


Vitality

by LunalitSol



Series: Signs of Life [3]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Disabled Character, Canon typical ableist and homophobic language, Drama & Romance, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, References to Canon, Sexual Content, discussion of sexuality, post season two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-05-25 18:26:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 92,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14982980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunalitSol/pseuds/LunalitSol
Summary: After things between Zach and Alex take an unexpected turn into decidedly non-platonic territory right before the start of senior year, they must figure out how to navigate their evolving relationship while also trying to juggle their individual recoveries, the complexities of their friendships with the rest of the tape crew, and the menace still lurking Liberty High School's hallways.Healing is never a straight, clear line.





	1. Like a Polaroid

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a longer multi-chapter fic. It starts after the events of my oneshot, Vital, but I want to note that both can also be read without reading the other. I will be referencing other works in the "Signs of Life" series, but likely not in any way that will be impacted reading this by itself. Additional tags will be added as we go along where necessary.

 

_Signs of Life_

Vitality 

**Chapter 1** : LIKE A POLAROID

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"I breathe in, I breathe out;_

_Count to ten and picture clouds in my mind._

_In this game it's all the same,_

_and talking didn't kill the pain_

_till you arrived."_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“What is up with your head today,” Zach’s mom was asking when he remembered that he should at least try to listen to her instead of the echoes of Alex's voice from last night. 

Zach shook himself and tried to smile in her direction without it being too bright. It must not have worked because she looked totally bemused, but at least she didn’t seem too frustrated with him. That was something.

“Do you have summer homework you haven’t done yet or something?” she asked, eyes narrowed and almost smirking, that look she got when she thought she’d figured something out and had one up on someone because of it.

His dad used to call it her ‘gotcha’ face. Zach was about ninety percent sure she wouldn’t have gotten this one, but there was still a split second where the ten percent sent his brain into a paranoid tailspin.

There was nothing to give him away right? It wasn’t like Alex had texted him about it. _Hey, that was some make-out session. Not straight anymore huh? You want to do it again today?_ Yeah, right.

In reality, the brief texts they’d exchanged after he got home went something like:

 **Zach** _Had fun at urs tonight. Again tomorrow?_

 **Alex** _If ur up for it sure. Me too btw. Night._

 **Zach** _Goodnight :)_

The conversation had been thrilling enough to feature in his dreams, but it wasn’t exactly so explicit that he thought his mom could know based on that. And sure there was the idea that moms just knew but that had never really been true of his before.

God, he’d made out with Alex last night. For like a solid hour after their first two kisses. What the fuck?

Just the thought of the words, of that first time when his brain felt like it would explode and he had just gone with gut instinct and their mouths had fit together for more than a minute- just the memory of the way Alex’s eyes had looked right before they came together again. His skin and Alex’s, the way they’d pressed into one another. Tracing over teeth and pulling at hair and just so much feeling and so much heat.

“Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey.”

Zach blinked, refocused.

“Ah, sorry mom.”

She looked unimpressed.

“Uh-huh. Look. This year is your chance to start fresh, okay? You’ll be a senior in a week. It would be so nice to avoid any drama, wouldn’t it? Stay focused Zach. Just this year and then you’ll be off to college. Keep your head down, play your games, do the work. There will be time for girls or whatever this is later, okay?”

“Right,” Zach answered her, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck hard enough to redden the skin there. It wasn’t worth the argument.

Yet.

He threw back the last of his smoothie and rested his hand briefly on his mom’s shoulder.

“I’m focused ma, I swear. I’ve got to head out to practice, though. And I’m hanging with Alex again tonight, so I’ll probably be back late.”

She frowned at him, reaching out as if to fix his shirt or his hair, but retracted her hand back to her side at the last minute.

“Just with the Standall boy?”

“Alex,” Zach told her.

He cleared his throat and simpered awkwardly, Alex’s mouth and blue eyes in his head again; the way his tongue felt on Zach’s; the feeling of the pulse at his throat under Zach’s palm; fuck, the sound of Alex’s breathing picking up in his ears like a low, pleasant buzzing.

“I don’t know,” he continued, trying to wrestle his voice back to normal when it came out strange, a little more low and throaty than usual. “Maybe some of the other guys will come over. We haven’t totally figured out the details yet.”

Her eyes were sharp on him even as she nodded acquiescence.

“Before one, alright? And call if you decide to sleep over.”

Sleep over. God, that would be…

Zach bit his lip. Smiled brightly at her again.

“Got it. Bye, mom. Love you.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

It was good to be on the field for real again, much as he could have done without a few of his teammates. Zach could keep his head in the game fine, but playing nice with another rapist wasn’t going to happen; so, he was pulling a fine balancing act, missing a few of the blocks he knew he could have made just narrowly enough to look convincing, but otherwise playing his best and trying to imagine like the running back was only a nameless freshman he was obligated to defend instead of human garbage.

This morning’s practice was a little lengthier than usual and by the time they’d been let out he was covered in sweat and grime, sore to satisfaction, not to mention about a thousand times more clear-headed than he’d been since his hang out with Alex the night before.

Alex. God.

Zach turned the shower on to hot, trying to focus on how the heat leached into his muscles, how the hard spray of water felt, then switched it to cold when that only led him to think of Alex again. The heat between them last night. The way sweat had beaded at Alex’s temple more and more toward the end.

The cold was a step better but not much. He needed to turn off his brain.

Zach pulled out his phone while toweling off his hair, absently glancing at the time before going to his messages. He had one from Alex asking about when he was coming over that he forced himself to ignore for now, opting instead for the three unreads he had from Justin.

 **Justin** _U got practice today?_

 **Justin** _Starts this week right?_

 **Justin** _NVM saw Monty’s snap. U wanna come over for lunch after nd hang? 12:30?_

That sounded perfect, so Zach shot him an affirmative before rounding up his equipment, then reopened his messages to reply to Alex with a question about when they’d finish dinner, even though he already knew the answer. His whole body was thrumming just thinking about it, feelings in his veins like a flashback, and he didn’t even know where to start breaking it all down or deciphering the big picture of how this would affect things.

Anyway, how was it possible to be so hungry in so many ways all at once?

Justin greeted him at the door to the Jensen’s house with a wide grin and, “Pizza gets here in twenty. Wanna help me convince Clay to game with us?” Then, a little more abashedly, “He says he’s not mad at me, but he still keeps making excuses not to hang out. Right now he’s catching up on reading a webcomic.” The last part was said with an eye roll that Zach couldn’t help but laugh at.

For the last several months, basically since Hannah’s memorial service, Zach had been bothered by how differently he felt with his two best friends. He couldn’t pin down why Alex and Jessica’s date to the school dance had put him in such a bad mood whenever Alex wasn’t looking, but her and Justin’s hookups when discovered had just filled him with protective anger- and, if he was being totally honest with himself, the tiniest bit of relief. Ultimately, he’d put the relief down to having a reason for his aversion to Jess and Alex dating, what he’d assumed was some kind of gut instinct because of a weird post-traumatic reaction to Alex’s suicide attempt or some shit.

That was, until Alex had paused the racing game they were playing, said, “Hey, so I like you. I just wanted to put that out there. Like, I’ve totally got a dumb crush on you. There’s no expectations or pressure or anything, other than like… in-game because you’re kind of getting your ass handed to you by offbrand Princess Peach”, and hit resume on his controller like he hadn’t just dropped a huge ass bomb on their night.

On everything.

Zach’s car had promptly gone off a bridge and the game was lecturing him by the time he got his hands to cooperate well enough to pause again and say, “Woah, Alex, what the fuck?” His brain a jumbled damn mess.

It was pretty safe to say there was a reason behind how differently he felt about Alex and Justin, and that it probably wasn’t the trauma.

Or was it? Was that a thing?

As if on cue, Justin belched and hit Zach’s side with his stupid, pointy elbow.

“Don’t mention Hannah or Skye, okay? Or Sherri. He’s, like, really sensitive about them.”

If Alex were here, he’d say something sarcastic in that off-the-cuff way he had down to an art form.

Zach just nodded like a dumbass.

“I heard that,” Clay’s voice called from in the room, and Justin threw Zach a panicked puppy-dog look.

As if Zach was going to help him.

Yeah, they were still best friends, but that didn’t mean his desire to avenge Alex for the cheating escapades of April and May was any less potent. He shrugged at Justin and pushed the door open, nudging his friend through it before him. Right away, Clay cast a look of irritation at his pseudo adoptive brother that Zach was hard-pressed not to grin over. It was going to be a fun time.

“What do you want Justin?”

“Uh,” Justin looked at him again, eyes wide and blue but with nowhere near the same persuasive power Alex’s had (and he’d gotten really good at not giving in to Alex, so Justin Foley didn’t even ping on his sympathy radar anymore). “Zach wanted to see if you were any good at Black Ops.”

“Black Ops?” Clay repeated kind of incredulously.

“Yeah,” Zach said and shrugged one shoulder. “Alex is still banned from shooting games and it’s more fun with three people.”

“And yet you think I want to play a shooting game? And you want to? Really?”

“It’s just a game, Jensen, geez,” Justin said but Zach could hear the doubt creeping in.

“Seriously, none of us here have done anything shady with a gun. It’s fine,” Zach told Clay. From the corner of his eye, he could see Justin doing that open stare thing he did when he was feeling guilty and tried to ignore the twinge of grim satisfaction that rose up inside him at the sight of it, instead continuing to make their case as agreed. “You’re hungry, right? You’ll get more pizza if you’re there to fight for it.”

Clay groaned at them, but he was already standing up; it wasn’t like they’d put all that much effort into convincing him, so Zach figured the dude was either still pretty soft if you weren’t Bryce-level evil or he actually wanted to hang out and just didn't want to admit it. Maybe both. Probably both.

“Fine, but only because leaving you two unsupervised with food, electronics, and alcohol in the house is like asking for disaster.”

“Hey-” Justin started, but Zach cut him off with a hand to the chest and his most charming smile directed Jensen’s way.

“You’re totally right,” he said. “Once Justin and I got a whole slice of pizza into the Xbox at Bryce’s. Easier than you’d think actually.”

“Jesus,” Clay grimaced. “How high were you? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. Come on.”

They traipsed downstairs, Clay insisting on being the one to set the game up while Zach and Justin got together some “non-alcoholic drinks” (thanks, Clay) and plates, plus answered the door for the pizza delivery when it came. Zach finally let himself check his phone again, specifically his messages with Alex, while Clay and Justin bickered over who got what slices and the necessity of washing hands.

 **Alex** _Prob 7. U could come for dinner @ about 6 if u wanted though_

 **Alex** _NBD if not_

Zach frowned at the texts, considering the offer. He kind of wanted to go, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t had dinner with the Standalls plenty of times by now- but was it different after last night?

 _“Are you really going to get weird about this, Dempsey?”_ he remembered Alex asking when Zach responded to his confession by basically losing all capability for coherent speech, and he hated himself for a second because, yeah, that was pretty much exactly what he was doing. He had kissed Alex and told him he was into him and he was still being weird about it.

“Seriously, Justin, back off. I’m taking player one,” he heard Clay say from the other end of the sofa.

Zach swallowed, shook his head as if to clear it, and sent Alex a reply affirming he was game for dinner before he could convince himself not to.

“Don’t be a bitch,” Justin retorted. “Noobs don’t get first dibs, and you’ve obviously never even played this before, Jensen.”

“Uh, yes, I have. Once.”

“Seriously? God, you’re lame.”

“Guest takes player one. There, done, chill the fuck out,” Zach interjected, rolling his eyes at them.

Much as he was glad to see Justin and Clay embracing their newfound sibling status by picking fights over dumb shit every time the opportunity arose, he was also tempted to just smack them both with the playstation remotes and tell them to get the fuck over themselves.

Then again, maybe he should take his own advice first seeing as he’d been going in fucking mental circles most of the day.

They were halfway through their second pizza when Clay’s phone went off and he paused the game, getting up as he answered the call with, “Hey, give me one minute.” Then told them it was Skye, he would be right back, and to just let his soldier die if they wanted to keep playing. Zach watched him go, lounging back in his chair and thinking.

Clay’s thing with Skye was strange, and Zach was pretty sure it had been doomed from the start because 1) Clay was in love with a dead girl still, at least at the time; 2) Skye was totally unstable and needed help Clay couldn’t possibly give her; and 3) he’d basically treated her like his second chance, like a Hannah 2.0.

None of that was true of him and Alex, right? Zach had maybe loved Hannah- he thought there was a good chance he had- but they’d had two months of a summer romance with nothing else to really connect them. Their friendship had fizzled with their breakup after having only been forged during that heinous, gorgeous, agonizing, cathartic, depressing-as-hell season of his life to begin with.

Alex, though?

In contrast, he and Alex had been friends since just a few months into sophomore year. There was a different kind of history between them than there had been with Hannah. Especially since the suicide attempt, Zach couldn’t picture not being friends, not checking in on Alex, not worrying and caring about him regardless of what happened or didn’t happen between them romantically (if that was, indeed, what they were headed towards).

And here was the bigger thing: maybe he had loved Hannah, but it hadn’t been enough to beat his fear of telling his friends about her. It hadn’t been enough for him to avoid fooling around with several girls after they’d gone their separate ways, hadn’t prevented him basically moving on both emotionally and physically. What they’d shared hadn’t even been enough for him to check in on her when she was obviously struggling. And it hadn’t been enough, somehow, for him to learn; because in the story of Zach and Alex, he’d made those same mistakes: failed as a friend and person to recognize the red flags, failed to worry too much until it was maybe too late. Yeah, Hannah would always matter to him, and her memory informed a lot of his actions now, but when he thought about why he was trying to change, why he cared and checked in a lot and risked his reputation to hang out with Alex Standall, Hannah wasn’t the reason; Alex was.

And, Zach reminded himself, Alex was getting help. Alex had been in therapy for months. He leaned on Zach, but he leaned on other people too, and he even tried to be there for Zach in the same way. Had Clay and Skye been like that? He honestly wasn’t sure, but it hadn’t looked like it.

Speaking of- Zach stood, wiping pizza grease off his hand with a crumpled napkin.

“Where you going?” Justin asked, almost absently, eyes not moving from his phone.

“Oh, bathroom,” Zach retorted.

Justin looked up at him, glancing between Zach and doorway he’d been about to go through.

“Bathroom’s the other way, man.”

“Right. I was just gonna check on Clay first, so…”

“Your funeral. Jess says hi, by the way.”

Justin was blushing when he said it, and Zach didn’t know whether to make fun or say something encouraging or punch him in the damn arm.

“Yeah, well. I guess tell her I said hi too or whatever.”

Justin’s face started to darken, and Zach glanced behind himself anxiously.

“Seriously? You’re still being a dick about this to her? Of all people, Zach, Jess?”

“Hey,” Zach snapped back, the nerves still ricocheting around his brain sending him from zero to a hundred at a faster velocity than a pitch from Jeff Atkins ever had. “I’m not being a dick, I’m just with Alex, okay? I mean, I’m on his side first. I care a lot about Jess and I get what she’s going through, but she’s the one who cheated.”

“So fucking what?” Justin had stood as he spoke, putting his phone down roughly. “She told Alex in fucking June man. They broke up in May. It’s almost September.”

“Oh you’re right, it’s been over two months. It’s all fine now.”

“You aren’t even involved,” Justin spat at him. “It’s just me, Jess, and Alex. Fuck, even Clay isn’t holding it against Jess, just against me, and he’s the one with the weird Boy Scout moral code or whatever.”

“Of course, I’m fucking involved, Justin,” Zach said, probably so loud now that he’d be interrupting Clay’s phone call. He felt a little bad at the thought, but not enough to back down.

“Why?” Justin, lip curled into an ugly sneer.

“Because it wasn’t just anyone you guys screwed over, asshole. It was my- Alex. It was Alex. He fucking shot himself only like nine months ago, Justin. Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Justin echoed back to him. “Using his suicide attempt? Low move, Dempsey. Wonder how Standall would feel about that. He’s supposed to be your best friend, right? That’s what you were gonna say?”

Zach just stared back at him for a long moment, the silence sitting like an anvil on his chest.

Why was he so bad at this, at standing up to and for people?

Why was he so good at being quiet even when he didn’t want to be?

Why did his voice always seem to abandon him when it was most important that he speak?

He remembered Alex yelling at him, hurt in his eyes, too many times. Just last night, when Zach couldn’t get the words to line up right after kissing Alex and his lack of communication made the other boy assume it was some kind of attempt at “letting him down easy”. Zach remembered just sitting there while Jessica asked for reassurance that Justin was telling the truth about nothing happening to her at her party and how most of them knew it was bullshit, but he’d gone along with it anyway. The box of polaroids. Bryce and Monty and Scott making fun of Alex right next to him over and over again. All of the guys saying shit about Hannah he knew wasn’t true. Pretending like Hannah was nothing to him to all his asshole buddies. Doing the same thing all over to Alex. Ignoring Justin’s calls because that was easier than facing him with more bullshit and impossible with the truth. Lying even to his own mom about where he was going, what he was doing, how he was feeling.

“No,” he told Justin finally, and he was kind of surprised how exhausted his voice came out. “I mean, he’s one of my best friends, but not like you dude. I swear.”

At least it was true.

Justin visibly deflated.

“Sorry, man. I’m still kind of on edge I guess. It’s weird, right? Me in this nice ass house, no real strings, no drugs? It’s weird. But look, I know you and Standall are close. I get it. I just… Jess is your friend too, and she feels really bad about how it all went down.”

Zach shrugged, looking away.

“I know. It’s not like I’m not talking to her..”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “I know,” though it didn’t really sound like he did.

“I’ve really gotta piss still, man, so I’m gonna,” Zach gestured back toward the hallway and Justin laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Geez Dempsey, go. Watch your damn aim, okay?”

“Fuck off, that was one time,” Zach retorted, but he was grinning as he flipped his friend off and finally made his escape.

 Clay was in his room with the door open when Zach found him, sitting in his desk chair and staring at his phone. Zach rapped his knuckles twice against the wall, and Clay spun around to face him.

“Hey. I heard you and Justin arguing, so I just came in here. I was going to head back down in a few minutes. Are you guys… okay?”

“Yeah,” Zach said, casting a glance around the room before coming fully in and standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. “It was just a dumb thing about him and Jess.”

“I heard.”

“Oh, cool.”

“Not really.”

Zach shifted his weight, eyes scanning over the bedroom again.

He considered himself and Clay basically friends now, like most everyone on the tapes that were halfway decent people. Between having to band together to try and take down Bryce (and now Monty) and bonding over shared trauma or whatever, it was pretty much unavoidable. Still, the truth about him and Hannah had cast a pall over all their interactions. Every time, Zach thought they had gotten past it one of them would say something awkward or passive-aggressive and... it was like taking three steps forward, two steps back- better and worse all the time.

Briefly, he wondered if telling Clay that he and Alex had made out would make him finally get over the whole Hannah thing. But more likely it would be the opposite, wouldn’t it? Clay would get protective and assume the worst in Zach and it would all go to shit again. Anyway, he still had little to no idea what any of it meant himself and wasn’t about to betray Alex’s trust by telling anyone else before the two of them had even talked about it; so, the point was moot.

“Did you, like, want something?”

“Uh, yeah.” Zach’s tongue felt like it was made out of leather. Dry and thick and choking him. “How’s Skye?”

“She’s good,” Clay said. “Why, you want her number or something?’

“What?”

“It was a joke,” Clay told him, like duh. Like _God, Zach, how dumb can you be?_

Zach rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, staring at a little robot sculpture thing on the desk.

“Right, yeah. So look, man, can I ask a weird question?”

“I mean, why stop now, right?”

Zach groaned.

Crap, why had he thought this was a good idea? What had he even meant to say? Just ask Clay how he knew his feelings for Skye were the real deal? Ask him if he knew their relationship was all hero complex and some desperate bid for a do-over while it was still happening? Ask him if he’d ever had the same feelings about other self-destructive people he was friends with like Jess or Tyler or fucking Alex? And if not, why?

Like maybe Clay could somehow figure out for Zach what it meant that he couldn’t stop thinking about Alex and wanting to be around him and look out for him and kiss him and make him happy in as many ways as possible. Like Clay could give him some clue how to navigate this strange friends to more transition that was even more complicated by the fact that they were both dudes. Fucking dumb.  

“I’m just gonna go.”

“No, no. Sorry. I’m in a weird mood.”

Clay rubbed a hand over his eyes and threw a poor attempt at a smile at Zach.

“Seems to be going around,” Zach said quietly, more to himself than to Clay.

“Yeah,” Clay agreed to Zach’s surprise. He looked almost sheepish. “I think it might be school starting so soon. It’s hard not to associate that place with everything that’s happened.”

Zach closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in. He knew exactly what Clay meant, though he’d been avoiding really thinking about it. Even on the field today, with the school looming right there. He’d been so relieved to be out on the field playing again; yet, at the same time, it was hard not to feel like all of the bad things that had happened, and all the bad things that still could, were there in his shadow, following him.

And maybe some of his own weirdness today wasn’t just due to the things that had happened between him and Alex. Maybe he kept coming back to the conflict not just because he was possibly really into this guy who was one of his best friends, but also because even that was nowhere near as hard to think about as what it would mean to be in school again.

Fuck maybe. He knew it was. He was so fucking scared.

“I know what you mean,” he admitted.

Clay’s stiff posture relaxed slightly, and he nodded once at Zach. Like understanding. Like solidarity.

And that was all he needed. They might not always get along, but, shit, it felt good to have a few people Zach knew he could be real with. It felt good to know they’d get it when he was.

“Come on, man,” Clay told him, standing from the desk and heading for the door. “Let’s get back. Who knows what kind of havoc Justin has wrought in our absence?”

“Wrought,” Zach repeated, laughing as he followed Clay downstairs to the living room. “Oh my God, Justin’s right. We do have to get you laid.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Dinner with the Standalls roughly translated actually meant dinner with Alex and one of his parents, sometimes even with just Alex alone. As far as Zach knew, before Alex had shot himself, either his mom would cook or his dad would grill or Alex would make whatever, but it was rare they’d all eat together at the same time. Post-shooting, the ritual had changed. Pretty much everything had.

Once Alex was finally home, he basically always had to be around someone, whether it was his parents or one of his friends- Zach, Clay, Jess, Tyler, Tony, and even Courtney and Ryan had all been in the mix to make sure Alex wasn’t on his own anymore. On top of that, his mom and dad had gone out of their way to rearrange their schedules so that two to three nights a week Alex and his mom and dad would all get to sit down together at the same time. Unlike other nights when any number of them were welcome over, those meals were a little more sacred, a little more personal.

So, when Mrs. Standall opened the door and Mr. Standall was visible not far behind her, standing at the side of their couch holding a beer, Zach was kind of surprised. Make that really. He was really surprised.

The deal was he’d had dinners with them plenty- but not these dinners, not the few meals Alex had with both his parents around. Zach wasn’t honestly sure who had set the boundary between the two of them, just that it had somehow come into existence. They both had some motivation: family time was something Zach considered of the utmost importance, and Alex could get embarrassed and secretive about the weirdest things. Hell, it may have just been another mutual, unspoken understanding. Zach thought he and Alex had a lot of those.

There was a chance they needed to start making their understandings spoken, though, if only to ensure they were actually on the same page. Zach had been taken off guard even more than usual lately.

“Hey, Zach,” Mrs. Standall greeted him warmly. “You’re right on time. We were so happy to hear you could make it tonight. We made steaks, certified organic of course, and some fresh vegetables. Steak is one of your favorites, right? That’s what Alex said.”

She was looking at him earnestly, and Zach wondered bizarrely if this was what it felt like to meet the parents. He’d never actually had to do that before.

Oh, Christ. What if Alex had told them they were dating? Were they?

It wasn’t like it would be a problem per se, but a little preparation would have been nice.

“Hey, Zach,” Mr. Standall called to him. “Come on in son. You want a cold one? I’m just kidding. There’s plenty of hemp milk.” He winked then gestured to the TV. “Alex is hiding in his room for now but game’s on if you want to watch. Hell, maybe that could get Alex to come out.”

Holy shit.

“Um, yeah. Well, thanks for having me. It smells amazing in here and that game offer is pretty tempting, but I’ll just go find Alex. Thanks, though. Again.”

Mr. Standall nodded at him, taking a swig from his beer.

“Make sure you keep the door open.”

Oh God. Was that usual? That was one of the normal rules, right? He honestly couldn’t remember.

“Dinner is just about done, but take your time if you need to,” Mrs. Standall added. “Today’s been kind of rough on him.”

Alex was sitting on his bed, headphones in, head tilted back against the headboard, eyes closed. Zach stopped in the open doorway at the sight, pulling a deep breath. His eyes traced over the angles of jaw, the lines of neck, the way Alex’s t-shirt was slightly askew over the jut of his collarbone. The blanket was crumpled up towards the foot of the bed, and Zach had to force himself not to concentrate on the narrowness of Alex’s body, on how he could see a little strip of skin between the hem of Alex’s shirt and his sweats. He’d seen Alex shirtless so many times now that it was easy to imagine- but so not the time.

There was really no denying the attraction. It wasn’t the heat of the moment. It wasn’t just thinking Alex was objectively good looking or whatever. It wasn’t trauma or guilt or a hero complex interfering with his sexuality. It was just Alex, and how he looked to Zach.

Zach carefully moved the door behind himself so that it was open but at a narrow angle. Alex had been negotiating the degree of closure allowed for what felt like so long now that Zach was pretty sure he could write the world’s weirdest geometry problem.

He approached the bed, and sat down next to Alex gingerly. From this angle, he was clearly asleep. Zach eyed the door and snagged the earbud closest to him, holding it up to his ear for a moment and nudging Alex’s shoulder with his own once. When Alex still didn’t really wake up, Zach jostled him again until, finally, his eyes cracked open and promptly caught on Zach’s above his.

“Holy shit,” Alex hissed. “How long have you been there?”

“It’s been a hundred years. The whole kingdom is different now, and I killed this huge ass purple and black dragon for you.”

“Ugh, stop. May needs to quit making you watch those movies with her. You’re so much less cool after.”

“Normally beauty sleep is supposed to help your temper,” Zach muttered. “What the hell are you listening to anyway?”

Alex rolled his eyes, moving stiffly to take the remaining headphone from his ear.

“How do you not know Joy Division by now? Whatever. You know, you weren’t supposed to get here until six.”

“Yeah, look at the time Standall. It’s like six-fifteen.”

“Fuck,” Alex groaned. “I’m sorry. Therapy today was pretty brutal.”

Zach’s nerves shot up like they always did when Alex was having a rough time, but he shoved them back down, concentrating. All his shit could wait a little longer.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I had a total fucking breakdown. And I’m fine now, but it wore me out. It’s pathetic.”

“Shit, man,” Zach reached out to him without thinking, laying his palm against the skin where neck became shoulder.

Alex’s eyes followed the gesture before moving back to look at Zach directly.

“I’m okay,” Alex told him. “Really, I just got overwhelmed. You know, the stuff with you, and school next week, and then I got a letter this morning. I guess technically it was from yesterday but I didn’t see it until today. Not that it matters.”

“A letter?” Zach asked. He hesitated, but let his hand drop to Alex’s, fingertips folding around the side of it.

Alex swallowed, eyes flitting to one of the band posters by the bedroom door, then down to their hands. He slowly shifted to hold Zach’s hand back.

“It was from Tyler,” he said after a beat.

“Oh.”

Yeah, Zach didn’t know where the fuck to even start with that.

Alex’s head tilted back again, his eyes closing. When he spoke, his voice was raw.

“I can’t stop feeling like it’s my fault. I know you don’t like him, and I get it. But it’s like I failed another friend. He wasn’t trying to guilt me or anything.” His eyes opened, staring into Zach’s. “He still considers us friends, so that’s good. And the center he’s in seems to be helping him. He just... wanted to tell his side of the story and it sent me into kind of a guilt thing. I should have done more.”

“That’s it?” Zach asked. “I mean, I get it. I don’t know if you could have done anything but… That’s all the letter was about?”

Alex pulled away from him.

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Zach murmured, watching him carefully.

“I’m so fucking sore,” Alex muttered. “I don’t want to move to go out there.”

“Both your parents are here,” Zach replied, and _what the fuck was he even doing?_

Alex’s brow furrowed like he was thinking the same thing.

“Yeah, well. My mom switched her shift.”

“Did you tell them about us?”

Well, he just did that. Fucking great timing, Zach.

Zach was pulled back from his thoughts by the movement of Alex’s shoulder against his, the sound of his laughter.

“Zach, what?”

“Uh, well. You haven’t told anyone?”

“Actually, I live-tweeted the whole thing. You didn’t see?”

Zach snorted, shaking his head.

“You don’t even have a twitter.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“Fuck you, Standall,” Zach grinned at him, then sobered. “Seriously, though. You didn’t…”

“No,” and just like that Alex’s face had closed off. Where their bodies still touched all Zach could feel was how he’d gone stiff as a board.

Alex’s hands were both shaking.

“Hey, I,” Zach stood from the bed, pacing to where the door was set ajar, then back to the side of the bed, and once more to the door, this time glancing outside of it.

“What’s up, Dempsey?” Alex asked.

Zach wheeled around, strode across the room, and stopped halfway to Alex’s side. He felt as though all the strange energy of the day had built up inside him like an adrenaline rush.

“I was only asking because we haven’t actually talked about it yet, dude. I mean, I don’t regret it.”

Alex stared for a moment then softened. His eyes were already warming back up.

“Ok. Help me up?”

Zach crossed the room to him in three steps, automatically sliding an arm around Alex’s waist to support him. Once Alex had gotten ahold of his cane, instead of letting go, Zach glanced again behind himself and back to Alex. His unoccupied hand went between them, brushing over the inside of Alex’s left wrist. Alex was staring, watching Zach as if transfixed, while Zach raised the damaged hand and, on instinct, turned it over, leaning to press a kiss to the pulse point. Alex shivered, drawing a quick, sharp breath. Zach swallowed, met Alex’s searing stare, and methodically slotted their fingers together.

Zach had no idea who started this kiss, both of them moving in to the other as one. It started as a hot, firm press of lips, and then Alex’s mouth opened and Zach’s did too, and everything was exploration. Alex let go of his cane again and leaned into Zach, and Zach let himself be moved, let his body help take Alex wherever the fuck he wanted to go; wherever it was, he knew it was where he wanted to be. His back hit the door, and it clicked closed behind him. His hands were firm on the small of Alex’s back, pressing in so hard he pictured little marks forming, red indentations that might not fade completely for an hour or more.

He clutched him harder at the image of that in his brain, breath catching and coming faster than before.

Alex’s good hand fisted into Zach’s hair, alternating between gentle tugs and firm pulls, as if grasping hard enough or in just the right way might sate the burning between them. He kissed his way to Zach’s jawline, dropping a little nip to his earlobe, then back to Zach’s mouth, sounds like the beginning of moans and cuss words climbing their throats, moving between them.

Too soon, Alex pulled back, one hand groping for the side of his dresser.

Zach kept a hand still on his back. He was itching for more, itching to slide a hand onto Alex’s ass and anchor them together somehow, or maybe to put his palm under that shirt, feel the living heat of Alex’s flushed skin, see how far the red on his face traveled. Maybe find the marks on his back and kiss each imprint. He was breathing so fucking hard.

“Dinner,” Alex said finally, and Zach stared at him.

“Like I’m a…”

“Oh God, fuck, Zach,” Alex laughed, still almost breathless. His lips were swollen, everything from his hair to his clothes in the best kind of disarray. “No, like we were supposed to be having dinner with my parents.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah,” Alex retorted, looking way too self-satisfied.

It kind of only made Zach want to kiss him more.

How long had it been since he last had sex again? He hadn’t realized how hard up he was until Alex fucking turned the world upside down on him.

“Should- should we… go out there?”

“Well, yeah. But, uh, I still need a minute to try and think really unsexy thoughts, not to mention look a little less like some giant just mauled me.”

“Oh,” Zach said. His heart was still soaring in his ears, his brain fuzzy with happiness and nerves and unending want. “Fuck, me too.”

“Definitely you too,” Alex told him. “Although your hair is still so perfect looking, it’s stupid. I pulled on it a lot, and it looks exactly the same.”

“Don’t sound too disappointed,” Zach teased him.

Really, though, Alex should see his hair first thing in the morning.

“Fuck that. Your genes suck.”

“You seemed to really like my genes a minute ago,” Zach pointed out. He stepped back from the door, giving himself the space to open it back to about a twenty-degree angle.      

 “I did. I do,” Alex affirmed.

He was still flushed, good hand smoothing over his hair. Zach’s eyes trailed over the scar on Alex’s head, and he swallowed the urge to grab him and kiss him frantically. Maybe push dinner back another thirty minutes so he could tell Alex over and over how glad he was that he was still around. How totally fucking grateful he was for their friendship, the bad parts and the good parts alike. How Alex had become so completely important to him, it bordered on ludicrous, and Zach didn’t even care because Alex was worth it for him.

He didn’t know if he’d ever totally get used to seeing the scars so plainly.

“I like your genes too,” Zach said. He hoped Alex could see in the darkness of his eyes all the things he kept trying and failing to say.

Alex smiled reflexively, more genuine than his usually were, and looked away from Zach.

“I don’t look too obvious, do I?”

Zach honestly wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think so. Most of the redness had abated from Alex’s face, and his hair looked, if anything, like he’d put some minimal effort into flattening bed head. Zach wouldn’t have guessed they’d just made out if he hadn’t been there. He kind of didn’t like it.

Zach wondered if Alex felt the same way. Like, yeah, he didn’t want Mr. and Mrs. Standall to figure it out (if they hadn’t already- he still wasn’t completely convinced), but he also wanted some kind of proof that this was all real. He wanted Alex to look at himself in the mirror, and see the evidence that he was wanted reflected, these memories they kept making as visible as the scar, as all the pain and hurt and loss that it recalled.

Zach wondered at what he might see looking at himself. If he could find all the places Alex’s fingers had touched.

When they got to the dining room, Mr. and Mrs. Standall looked up, smiling pleasantly. They both looked pretty tired.

“Hey! You boys get carried away?”

“Uh, yeah,” Alex said after a beat of his dad looking at him expectantly. “You could say that.”

“Good. That’s good. I’m glad you guys can talk to each other. You know, I never was too good at that with my buddies, not with the things that mattered. It’s a new generation, I guess.”

“A better one, at least with that kind of thing,” Mrs. Standall added kindly.

“Yeah,” Zach said, heart still beating hard as he went to sit at the table with them, Alex already slowly working to ease himself down into a chair. “Yeah, maybe.”

The food was lukewarm but well-seasoned, and Zach didn’t care either way. Under the table, he bumped Alex’s foot with his, smiling innocently when their eyes met.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Zach** _So that was fun_

 **Alex** _Always good to kick ur ass at need4speed_

 **Alex** _Again tomorrow?_

 **Zach** _Definitely. Can't wait. Goodnight x_

 **Alex** _Night x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Like a Polaroid" by Vardaan Arora https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPoqaWga5wc
> 
> I'm hoping to write and post a chapter every two weeks, more often if I'm able, but it will be played by ear to some extent. Current projections have this as being somewhere around 20+ chapters but we'll see what happens. Each chapter will be named for a song from my Zach/Alex playlist that I will link to here, as shown above. I am working off of canon events, and thus Monty will be in this story as an antagonistic force at the school. There will be references to all canon triggers including the sexual assault in episode 13, but no graphic description thereof. Please take caution and take care of yourselves. 
> 
> If you want to talk about Zach, Alex, and/or Zalex (or really anything 13RW), feel free to drop me a line at my hot mess of a general tumblr- lunalitsol@tumblr.com. Otherwise, I'm going to try to be better about replying to people here. <3 to you all.


	2. These Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: use of "R" slur; generally ableist, sexist, and homophobic language in the context of bullying; mild violence; and, finally, a semi explicit verbal description of Tyler's assault.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality 

**Chapter 2** : THESE WALLS

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"I can't escape walking down these halls, hard to find a place where there are no walls_

_and no lines begging me to cross._

_Only straight ahead, better move along._

_And I trade everything for this. And I trade everything for this._

_Why do I read the writing on the wall?"_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 

 **Zach** _Be prepared. PT tonight will prob be rough_

 **Alex** _dirty_

 **Zach** _You're the worst_

 **Alex** _xxx_

 **Zach** _I hate you_

 **Alex** _Same dude. Same. I'm the worst._

 **Alex** _That was a joke btw_

 **Zach** _great well btw_   _you're also the best and I couldn’t hate you if I tried_

 **Zach** _Does Jess have to design a banner about how amazing and inspiring u are? Bet she would if we asked_

 **Alex** _Pls no_

 **Alex** _ &don’t try to btw, promise u could. Its ok tho. _

**Alex** _im sorry. Joke was lame nd Im tired._

Zach read and reread the chain of messages.

He knew better than to push further, and he really didn’t want to, as badly as he felt about it.

Sometimes with Alex, it was like he was choking on his fear, on his helplessness. Like he was drowning in it. Zach wanted to do more, but he also couldn’t sit in the darkness for too long; he was terrified that it might begin to feel like home.

May, his mom, and his dad's memory were Zach's home. He had to remember that. As far as Alex went? Where he fit?

He was... Zach didn't know how to finish the thought. The words wouldn't arrange themselves clearly in his head, let alone on the dryness of his tongue. 

Alex was a category unto himself for Zach. Charted territory with unfamiliar terrain or maybe vice versa.

“What are you thinking about?” May asked.

“Nothing.”

“That’s bull,” she mumbled sullenly, and his eyes snapped up to her in disbelief.

“Language!”

May’s expression was a truly incredible imitation of their mom’s most unimpressed look. Her _‘you have got to be kidding’_ , with just a hint of ‘ _you better be kidding’_ , was both bizarre and right at home on his kid sister’s face. What was it with pre-teens and the attitude? Zach didn’t remember having that much disinterest in obeying the rules or being nice to family members when he was her age.

Of course, he’d heard his mom say the same thing about him last year (and most others), so maybe that was bullshit too.

“You’re such a hypocrite,” May told him lightly, rolling her eyes. “Checkmate, by the way.”

Zach looked over the board and groaned loudly. How had that even happened? They’d only been playing maybe thirty minutes.

“You seem really distracted.”

“I guess I am,” Zach confessed listlessly, slowly resetting the chess board. “I’m just not ready for summer to be over.”

“Me neither,” May said, pulling a face at the thought. “I wish mom would let me skip seventh grade.”

“Trust me, you don’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I want,” May snarked back, and for the dumbest moment he remembered Alex shouting back probably those exact words at him back in March.

There was something horribly jarring in just the concept of a similarity between baby May and Alex.

Alex who had hurt himself so badly; who was still holding more anger and sadness and awfulness inside him than Zach could stand to think about; who even now was still making little jokes and comments about how much he hated himself or thought jack shit of his own looks or personality.

And May, who had once been just baby May to Zach like that was her actual name, born only weeks after his sixth birthday- May, who he had watched grow, who he had always promised to look after, who he had told his dad's headstone he would protect and help any way he could with more certainty than he'd had about almost anything else in his life. 

For a second, against every fiber of his being, there was the image in his mind of May with razor blades or a gun or any number of ways to hurt herself.

Zach wanted nothing more than to bring himself back to the reality with _not my little sister_ , but since when did that make a difference in whether or not these horrific things could happen? After all, Alex was a little brother, wasn't he? 

“May,” Zach said, and his sister looked at him, eyebrows furrowing together at his suddenly serious, focused tone. “You know about my friend Alex, right?”

“Yeah, he’s the one that was in the coma,” May said slowly. “He had really weird hair. It was pretty cool, actually.”

Zach laughed a little at that, but it didn’t come out right.

“You’re meeting him at the gym for physical therapy tonight,” she added, like maybe he’d forgotten. As if he could possibly.

“Listen to me. If you ever start to feel alone or like you’re suffocating or you even just feel bad all the time, anything like that, you come talk to me or to mom or you call one of my friends or you talk to Aunt Lily, okay? It’s really important. And if whoever you talk to doesn’t listen, all it means is you go talk to someone else. Deal? I don’t,” and he swallowed, throat dry, chest hurting, “I don’t want you to feel ashamed or like keeping quiet makes you stronger somehow. Please.”

May stared at him but nodded slowly.

“That’s random, but… thanks, Zachy. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Zach murmured. He wasn’t really, but it was more about making sure she was good and taken care of than anything else. As long as his family and friends were safe, he felt like he could make it.

“Can we rematch?” May asked. “I really want to see how fast I can win. We have time, right? Before Mom gets home and you start getting ready to go?”

“We definitely have time,” Zach reassured her, grateful for the distraction, grateful for how easily she could still listen and then move subjects sometimes. “But don’t count on that win yet.”

Of course, she may as well have. By the time Mom got home, his sister had won two more matches and manipulated him into teaching her how to play the game ‘bullshit’ with a deck of cards.

While he was making sure his athletics duffel had everything he’d need, Zach thought again of his conversation with May and resolved to get Peter Standall’s contact information. His remaining obligations for the weekend were numbered what with school picking up Monday and all- there was PT tonight, Monet’s with the rest of his mismatched group of friends for the year on Saturday, maybe hanging out with a few of them after, and just church with his mom and May Sunday morning. He should be looking forward to it.

He wasn’t.

Every day that brought the start of the semester closer felt like walking up to a guillotine, every slow motion step too fast for what was coming. He knew what it would look like, what he would hear, how it would feel; but Zach couldn’t see the face of the executioner, couldn’t smell past the stench of old blood and bodies, couldn’t fight back with his hands tied. And he couldn’t tell if or when it would be his neck waiting.

Zach wasn’t sure what was worse- the sense of all the things that could go wrong breathing down his own neck or his friends’. And sure, they were the uprising as much as they were the doomed incarcerated, but it was his experience, especially today, that those usually became the same thing, anyway.

It made no sense that, in the midst of all this, he just kept wanting to hold Alex and have Alex hold him- yet there it was just the same, jumping out at him every chance it could.

If it were Alex bringing down the blade on him, he had to wonder if he could have moved from it.

He thought so.

He wasn’t sure.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

The first fight of the first day back started before the first bell. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it just so happened to be between Liberty’s resident jock rapist- Monty- and its resident “emo cripple”- Alex, A.K.A.  Zach’s kind-of best friend with benefits and kind-of unofficial boyfriend.

Not to mention, Alex had been declared his undisputed, absolute responsibility in the buddy system their group of friends had developed on Saturday around an assortment of Monet’s coffees and confections.

Now, within less than ten minutes of getting to the school, this. Go Tigers. Go figure.

Fuck.

Zach had literally been turning the corner to find Alex after what he thought was a minor miscommunication about how the buddy system worked with bathroom breaks when he heard Alex cussing, loud and angry. He spotted him just in time to see Monty’s hands on Alex’s shoulders shoving him against the lockers.  

The fuckhead’s mouth was in a sneer, but as Zach had approached he’d seen through rapidly tunneling vision how Monty’s lips were turned up, how undisguised his excitement for the conflict was. He barely caught how Alex leaned back into the wall for support as he swept his cane at Monty’s feet, timed just right to catch his ankle mid-step. They both tumbled down and, quick as a fucking snake, Monty was on top of Alex in the middle of a circle like it was a year ago all over, but with Alex even less able to defend himself.

Just like that, Zach didn’t even give a fuck about all the jostling bodies in front of him. He was a goddamn battering ram when he wanted to be.

He shoved forward until he was in the circle, hauling Monty off Alex and slamming his head back against the locker Alex had hit only moments before, pinning him there.

“Get off me, Dempsey,” Montgomery snarled. “I’m your fucking teammate. We can get another retard to suck your cock. Chill.”

The only thing stopping him from kicking the ever living crap out of Monty was the fact that he hadn’t checked on Alex yet and needed to verify he was okay, help him up, yell at him for his ridiculous lack of self control. Also, hug him, go completely off on him for this stunt, make out with him...

“You do not fucking touch him,” Zach growled at Monty. “You don’t talk about him. Don’t even look at him. Off the field, you’re not my teammate, you’re just trash. You hurt him in any way, I will break your arm all over again. Hell, you touch anyone, I will come for you.”

Monty smirked, shook his head.

“Don’t try me, Dempsey. You have no idea…”

“No. You have no idea,” Zach shot back, his arm going over Monty’s throat. “I know what sick shit you can get up to, but you don’t know how far I can go.” He made a point of looking down at Monty, using all his size to posture up and make himself very fucking clear.

“Zach,” he heard Alex say and just like that he was letting Monty go, dropping him even though he hadn’t even realized he had Monty off the ground in the first place.

Alex took his hand, let Zach pull him up.  

“Alex, what the hell were you thinking?” Jess hissed and Zach blinked stupidly over Alex’s shoulder at her, for the first time realizing the rest of their makeshift group had joined them.

He had no idea when that had happened.

“Alex, what the fuck was that?” Zach asked.

He realized belatedly he was still holding Alex by the arm and let go, stepping back. Ryan had gotten Alex’s cane off the floor and handed it to him, Courtney holding his backpack out for Zach to take.

“Fucking stupid, that’s what it was,” Tony said, the words somehow managing to sound more worried than hostile.

“Nah, it was smart. I knew Zach was on his way and he’d fuck Montgomery up. Totally worth it.”

“Hold the fuck up,” Zach snarled, looking from where Monty was now screwing around with a few of the other jocks down the hall back to Alex. “You did that on purpose?”

“Even dirtbags like Monty try to save their own skin,” Alex said with a kind of half-shrug, immediately followed by a wince. “Had to do something so he knew you could break him in half if you wanted and didn’t try to pull any more shit.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Zach snapped, scanning over Alex anxiously.

There were murmurs of agreement in the cluster of their friends. Justin reached out to prod at Alex’s shoulder from his side, and Zach didn’t miss how Alex gritted his teeth in response to the touch.

“Alex, we came up with a buddy system for a reason,” Clay said. “No-one goes alone. You can’t break from the plan before it even has a chance to work.” He looked like he was trying very hard to keep his voice light and controlled. Zach had to wonder if maybe he was being too harsh, if he needed to force himself to back down like Clay was.

Except, no, because the reckless shit was not cool. They’d been down this road before. It ended nowhere good.

Now,  Zach was fucking seconds from losing it already, and the day had only just started. Alex thought he was somehow making sure Monty knew they would fuck him up as if Monty cared. It was an assumption he’d made before, and Zach could still vividly remember pulling up to a fence in the middle of nowhere to find Alex sitting in the goddamn dirt, shamefaced and staring at the water like he wanted to throw himself into it. Bryce had cared about things like image and saving his own ass, keeping his name clean; it was his one rule to being in with him. Monty, however, had never really had that problem.

“He was talking crap about Tyler to his fuckin' buddies,” Alex snapped, looking around at them. “If he can do that…”

“Tyler’s not here, Alex. You basically just put a target on your back for no reason, you realize that right?” Jessica looked completely furious, and, for a moment, Zach couldn’t even remember that he hadn’t forgiven her for hurting Alex yet. It was so good to know he wasn’t alone in his growing rage, even if somewhere beneath it he understood Alex’s point of view.

“I already had a target on my back,” Alex retorted. His whole body was taut and shaking. “I’d rather start shit and make sure he knows what’s up than wait for him to try something.”

“Someone remind me why boys are like this,” Ryan said, directing the words more to his fingernails than to any of them.

“Guys, come on,” Sheri spoke up. “Class is starting soon, and it’s not worth it. It’s done now, right?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Clay said sardonically. 

“Guys,” Jess interjected just as Sheri and Alex both started snapping back at him, “Singh. Two o’clock.”

Everyone fell quiet as the guidance counselor approached.

“Everything okay?” she asked, pausing to survey them. Her eyes were penetrating and dark and Zach instantly felt guilty under them, though he had no idea what for.

“We’re fine,” Alex told her, looking around at them quickly. Zach had to really fight down the urge to laugh at how untrue that was. “My cane just slipped on something. It’s really a shame my friends were so helpful instead of recording it for me. Probably would have made a great meme.

Justin snickered and Zach planted an elbow between his ribs with what he hoped was some subtlety.

“It’s true,” Ryan said. “I even have the perfect caption in mind to start it off, but alas…”

Ms. Singh crossed her arms over her chest, looking them over, then nodded.

“I don’t believe you, but you all seem fine, so I won’t push it today. If any of you wants to talk, you know where to find me. Alex Standall?”

Alex nodded at her.

“Yes ma’am.”

“I was hoping to speak to you, actually. If you’ll come with me, I’ll give you a late pass for your first period.”

“Um, I’ll come too,” Zach said immediately.

“That won’t be necessary, Zach.”

“I’m supposed to help him between classes,” Zach said immediately. “His doctors had talked to the school and I’m like an aid-”

“I’m aware,” Ms. Singh informed him smoothly. “I’ll have someone escort him when we’re done. I believe you have the same class, and it would be much more beneficial for Alex and yourself if you were there.”

Zach swallowed hard, looking frantically at his friends, but they all seemed about as stumped as he was.

“I’ll be escorted, Zach,” Alex spoke up. “It’s fine. Seriously.”

There was a gentle undertone to the words, and Zach was instantly less mad at him than he’d been a minute before. Which was just so completely unfair.

He met Alex’s eyes, searching the blue of them, though for what he didn’t know.

“Okay,” Zach said finally. “I’ll see you in class then.”

“I’ve gotta head,” Courtney said instantly, like a spell had broken. “See you, Alex. Clay. Ryan, come on.”

A chorus of similar words, and Zach attached himself to Clay and Justin, knowing the class they shared was just kitty-corner from his own.

“Day one,”Clay said after the first bell had resounded through the speaker systems into the packed hallway. “Off to a great start.”

“Shitty,” Justin said. “I think shitty’s the word you were looking for.”

“Yeah, thanks Justin. Totally didn’t know that.”

Zach shook his head at them, a bubble of laughter behind his lips. Was every fucking high school like this?

In class, he busied himself with doodling shit on the paper with the class rules and expectations while the teacher droned, going over everything they had in front of them line by line. At about the halfway point of their class time, the teacher finally stopped and Zach made himself listen while she explained they’d be taking turns to say their names, something cool they’d done that summer, and where they were applying to go to college or get a job after graduation. The usual introductory bullshit they were put through, even though a solid ninety percent of kids in their class already knew each other well enough. Many of them more than.

It was almost his turn and almost the end of class when Alex showed up, the secretary at his side. He was visibly no worse for the wear, but Zach’s stomach still did a flip at the sight of him. He stood automatically moving part of the way to the front of the classroom to help Alex, but had no sooner taken hold of his arm than he was suddenly hyper-aware of the stares from all their peers and the teacher. He dropped his hands from Alex like he’d been burned, heart picking up speed.

He noticed Alex give him a look of irritation, a hot wave of shame curling up in his chest at the sight of it. What was he doing? He helped Alex all the time.

Just usually not when class was in progress and everyone was right there acting like they were now. Like he was creating some spectacle. He wasn’t good at that kind of thing. The only putting on of a show Zach knew how to do was in the game, and even then he personally preferred real skill over theatrics. He wanted his abilities and actions to speak for themselves. He felt self-consciousness spike up, but wrestled it back, glancing at Alex again as they neared the chair Zach had been in and the one next to it he’d thrown Alex’s backpack onto earlier.

His teeth were gritted slightly and he looked as though he were preparing himself for an ordeal of some kind. Like he thought Zach was just going to hang back and watch him try to maneuver everything, Zach realized.

 The shame grew.

“I got it,” Zach told him, grabbing the backpack from the chair and slinging it over one shoulder before pulling the chair out a little more. He rested a hand on Alex’s back, bracing him as he sat down.

“Thanks,” Alex muttered.

“What else are aids for, right?” he asked in return, maybe a little louder than he would normally. “I’m a glorified prop for my friend here,” he added to the teacher, throwing her what he hoped was a charming smile.

He took his own seat, glancing at Alex. His face was dark and tense and it made Zach feel like all his guts were on fire.

“Right,” the teacher said. “Well, let’s get back to our intro game, okay?”

Denise Zapata started speaking, and Zach took the opportunity to look again at Alex, but he was staring at the desk and the teacher and Denise and basically everywhere but back at Zach. Fuck.

Zach pulled a piece of looseleaf from the back of his notebook, barely noticing when the dude on his right, Eric or Elron or Aaron or something, started his intro. ‘ _I’m sorry_ ,’ he scratched into the paper. Then, _‘We both screwed up, right? Call it even?’_ and passed it to Alex. He watched from the corner of his eye as Alex read it, stared at it, and then proceeded to give Zach a narrow side-eye that could have just as easily been on a meme as the bullshit story Alex had told before.

Like he was thinking _You can’t possibly be that stupid, Dempsey._ Like _Fuck off Zach. What is the matter with you?_ Same, dude, Zach wanted to tell him, a dumb echo of Alex’s shitty joke a few nights before.

Someone cleared their throat and bumped into his shoulder. A-rod or what the fuck ever.

“Your turn, man,” the guy said.

Zach swallowed. What was he supposed to say? Oh, fuck, right. Name, summer thing, where he was applying or what he was going into. Some shit like that.

“I’m Zach Dempsey,” he told the room full of recognizable faces, all saying clearly _tell us something we don’t know_. “Uh, this summer I think my favorite part was volunteering to help with PT. I really liked helping my friend, Alex, so I got to assist a few licensed physical therapists and it was really cool and rewarding. Some of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” he elbowed Alex, “As for where I’m applying, I’m actually talking to a few scouts for baseball and basketball, so I guess it depends what offers I get for scholarships. I need a good program for marine biology. I don’t want to jinx it by naming names.”

The teacher immediately fell over herself reassuring him and praising his talk about volunteering, then turned to Alex, laying out what he was meant to say with an overly-gentle voice Zach immediately hated on Alex’s behalf.

“Alex Standall,” Alex said. “Zach and a few other friends drove me to a concert for one of my favorite bands as a late birthday thing, so that was pretty cool. And I’m not really planning to go to college or whatever so I don’t know. I don’t really have plans.”

Zach shot him a look, which Alex met this time. His eyes were challenging. Zach could see his hand twitching in his lap like he was fighting a spasm.

Between the fight and now this, Zach was getting damn close to taking Alex and dragging him out of school. Maybe spending nights at his place staring him down until he stopped lashing out in ways that made Zach want to have a panic attack for the first time in his life.

The teacher cleared her throat, her smile tight and fake, thanked Alex, and prompted the next person to start.

Zach was out of his chair at almost the exact second the bell rang, taking both his and Alex’s backpacks up and offering his hand to the other boy. Alex took it just as quickly, and when he thanked Zach the sentiment was a little more genuine than before. Some of the weight in Zach’s chest eased up at the sound of it, but only some.

“You have econ with Jess next?” he asked, more to make sure Alex was still talking to him than anything else.

“Yeah,” Alex affirmed. “And we trade off so you and Sheri walk to your history class or whatever together.”

“And then I get you and Sheri and Jess walk to gym together, where Clay and Justin will be waiting, and Clay and Jess head to their class… Did it have to be this confusing?”

“Probably,” Alex said, almost smiling at him.

Zach wanted to get all the way to a full smile before they parted ways, but also wanted to make it clear they had to talk at some point. Maybe. Probably. Even though he’d really rather not and Alex seemed fine now…

Zach rubbed the back of his neck a couple times and forced himself to focus.

“Are you going to be able to do the PT tonight?” he asked finally, trying to make the question seem casual.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, the thing with Monty. Your shoulder seems kind of stiff and like it’s harder for you to move that side.”

“I think I got bruised up a little maybe,” Alex admitted. “But it should be fine. You might just have to take it easy on me tonight.”

The words sent a jolt down Zach’s spine, images of ways he could take it easy on Alex popping up in his mind’s eye, despite the fact that the context was totally innocent.

“I could give you a massage,” he said before his brain could catch up with his mouth.

Next to him, Alex had colored and slowed a little. Zach immediately reached for him, but Alex moved back slightly, clearing his throat and darting a glance around them and then at Zach.

“Would that be okay?” Zach asked, lowering his voice just a little.

What Alex was thinking he couldn’t tell, but he swallowed hard and Zach’s eyes followed the movement of his throat before he remembered himself and looked away. He could already feel his blood heating up and starting to pool low in his body, a bad fucking idea in the middle of a school hallway.

What he would do if it were just them. If this place were empty.

But it wasn’t. He couldn’t afford to forget that.

“Uh yeah,” Alex’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. It was a little tentative, a little hoarse and husky. “That might be okay.” Zach wondered if Alex had been thinking what he was, happiness mingling with the arousal already surging through his bloodstream.

“Cool,” Zach told him. “So, uh…”

“We interrupting something?” Sheri asked, smiling as she approached them. “We can go get some water. Give you guys some more time.”

“That’s not necessary,” Zach retorted at the same time as Alex said, “Yeah, actually that’d be great.”

Jess laughed at them, her smile gently mocking.

“Uh-oh, trouble in bromance paradise? Clearly, you guys aren't on the same page.”

“I don't think we asked you, Jess,” Alex replied evenly.

And just like that, it was tense and awkward again. Zach was really over it.

“We should head,” Sheri said, nodding at him.

“Alright, uh. I’ll meet you after? Or we will. Outside Herrera’s class?”

Alex nodded. His eyes were totally soft when Zach let himself briefly meet them.

“Cool. So! Sheri, what lame introductory game did Stratford put you through?”

“Oh my God, don’t even get me started,” she said, rolling her eyes before telling him anyway.

He imagined Alex’s eyes on him all the way down the hall. The end of the day couldn’t come fast enough.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“We need to hone the system,” Clay said in the place of a greeting.

“Hi to you too,” Zach replied pointedly. He chucked a fry at Clay, who simply sat down across from him undeterred.

“Hi. We need to hone the system.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, would you give it a rest?”

Justin shook his head at Zach, undermined by the fact that he looked much more entertained than he did annoyed.

“We need to hone the frickin’ system,” Tony said, dropping down into the unoccupied space to Clay’s right.

“Thank you!”

Clay’s voice was clearly exasperated even though it wasn’t like they’d said no or fucking anything yet. On Clay’s other side, Alex was staring down at his food and looking thoroughly disgusted.

“Hey, if it isn’t the tapes gang! Crew? Task force? What do you call yourselves?”

Cyrus and a bunch of the other punk kids were suddenly around them, making themselves at home at their table.

“Hannah’s baby-back bitches,” Monty’s voice said from behind Zach, and he clenched his hand around one of the unopened juices in front of him hard enough to pop the fucker open, spilling suddenly everywhere.

“You want a repeat of earlier, Montgomery?” Zach heard Alex challenge.

“A repeat of me almost getting to kick your fuckin’ ass? How about the extended version?”

“What the fuck did I tell you earlier, Monty?”

Zach stood roughly, but Monty had both hands up in a mocking display of surrender and had taken a few steps away from their table. He was grinning, eyes moving over them.

“I guess freaks band together, but even you Zachy? We’re your team. Since when don’t you sit with us?”

“He got an offer for some better company.”

“Alex,” Zach said, practically growling.

“Oh, I see. You got yourself a bitch, and figured fuck the rest of us.”

“Bet he has Hannah’s picture on a bag so he can put it over Standall’s face when he fucks him,” Jamie told Monty, since apparently all his old friends other than Alex and Justin were pretty much shitbags.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Sheri.”

Monty looked her up and down appreciatively, and Zach was really fucking tempted to put his head through their lunch table.

“You and your friends need to move along.”

“Is that right? Hey, tell me something, you learn how to suck a good cock from the guards at that prison you went to?”

“No, no.” Sheri moved toward him, something of her old sashay on her hips, lips and eyes promising something dangerous. “Did learn how to make a good shank though. And how to make little boys back their entitled asses up.”

She handed Zach her lunch tray, turned,  kneed Monty in the crotch, and then sat down next to Zach and took back her food. Jamie and Trevor helped Monty  up, the three of them casting irritated looks over their group.

“Bitch,” Zach heard Monty swear as they walked away.

“That was fucking amazing,” Jess told Sheri, who smiled and agreed with her, wasting no time in claiming her newfound badassery.

“Don’t get me wrong, Sheri, that was awesome. But we’re running out of time, and we still need to amend our buddy system.”

“Clay,” what was probably five different voices said at once, varying in tone from reproving to fond to humored though Zach didn’t have the energy to even separate who was who.

Zach tuned them out, distractedly wiping a few napkins over the little juice he’d missed cleaning up. After about a minute, his text alert went off, and he flipped over his phone on the table to unlock it and check the message.

 **Alex** _Are you okay?_

Zach frowned down at the screen and almost immediately saw Alex hunch down and start another text.

 **Alex** _Is it about Monty?_

Zach shook his head, then typed the letters ‘ _idk_ ’ and hit send. Alex went to start typing again and Zach flipped his phone back over. Alex looked at him, went to keep typing, then stopped and looked back up as Zach’s phone pinged. Instead of picking it up, he slid the intact orange juice he’d brought for Alex across the table, then took a massive bite of his salad. No more texts came in.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“So are we going to talk about how today went?”

They were in the pool. Just the two of them, darkness all around other than a few spotlights. Zach kind of loved when they did the PT at night and no-one was even in the next lanes. Technically the pool was closed except for special cases this late.

His special case was on the water bike but had stopped trying to move for now, breath only just slowing to something like normal. As Zach had anticipated, he was wearing out faster- the toll of a couple nasty bruises around the joint of his right shoulder and a spattering of them on the left side of his back. Nothing too dramatic to Zach’s relief, but definitely enough that they were seeing an impact on Alex’s grip strength and endurance. Enough that Zach had spent the last twenty minutes doing everything in his power not to snap at Alex over shit that wasn’t his fault. The sight of Alex hurt had brought back all his rage.

“We don’t have to,” he told Alex.

“Bullshit, Zach. You’re acting weird. Like you’re mad but trying not to be. Or trying to hide it. You freak the fuck out on me if I try to pull that crap, and it’s a two way street.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who…” he trailed off.

Zach could never seem to get those words on his tongue without feeling sick for hours after.

“Who shot himself, yeah, no shit,” Alex snapped. “We are supposed to be friends at least though.”

Zach stared at the water between them, how it gently swayed and reflected light, how in spots it absorbed darkness.

“I’m mad at you,” he said, and he didn’t mean to say the words, didn’t even know if he meant them at all. Mostly, if he were being really honest, he was scared. School had gone about as badly as he’d expected, actually worse if he thought about it. But he didn’t want to think about it.

“It’s not like I’m over here singing your praises, Dempsey.”

Zach blew out a breath, as measured as he could make it.

“You can’t keep antagonizing Monty, Alex.”

“Antagonizing,” Alex said in a scoff. “He’s a fuckin antagonist. I’m not going to just roll over and let him do and say whatever the fuck he wants. We got rid of Bryce. That was part of the point.”

“You have to,” Zach said back. “I get it when it’s from the TBI but today was thought out.”

Alex was quiet for a long moment, then: “What if it were me?”

“What?”

“What if it were me? What if Monty had done what he did to me, and you had to see him in the hallways and he was joking about it? What would you do?”

“I’d kill him.”

Zach didn’t even have to think. When it came to the people he cared about, there were a few that he would do anything in his power to protect. Somehow, in the last year Alex had become one of them, but Zach had known that for a while. It was part of why he was so worried. He could destroy himself so easily if Alex were hurt.

“Exactly,” Alex said. “But I’m obviously not any good at killing.”

Zach shook his head, closed his eyes, tried to will away the images in his brain.

“You’re different,” he told Alex.

His voice was firm, brokering no argument, but that had rarely stopped Alex.

“How? Tyler’s my friend. I’m yours.”

“You’re more and you know it.”

Alex was quiet for a long time then finally sighed.

“Okay. What about a year ago?”

“A year ago?” Zach repeated dumbly.

He fully expected Alex to give him one of his _you’re exhausting sometimes_ looks, but instead he was just staring down at his hands under the water, elbows propped against the sides of the handlebars.

“Last year we were friends right?”

Alex looked at him when he didn’t say anything, so Zach nodded, dread and shame churning through his neck muscles.

“But we weren’t really close,” Alex continued. “We were good enough friends to hang out and know likes and dislikes and whatever, but you didn’t even know what my parents did for work or anything about my music taste other than you and the guys all agreed it was weird.”

“Alex, what’s your point?”

“Tyler and I were as close or closer than you and I a year ago,” Alex said, looking sideways at Zach. “Back then if Monty raped me with a fucking mop handle and left me to bleed internally and joked about it later and you heard, would you seriously have done nothing?”

Zach’s jaw was so tight it felt locked up.

“No. I’d… I’d still have killed him or close. But, Alex, I’m not-”

“Don’t,” Alex interrupted, voice like steel. “It doesn’t matter.”

No, Zach guessed. It didn’t. It wouldn’t have to him, and Alex had always been more bold, more willing to throw himself at things without doing the calculations of his own survival rate. Before he’d met Alex and known that of him, before he’d seen what the tendency could do, he’d never known he could admire and hate something so much at the same time.

“We still can’t have you putting yourself in danger every time Monty can’t keep his mouth shut,” Zach said finally. “There’s got to be another way.”

“Yeah, well, until you know what it is…”

“You still watch yourself with Monty. If he’s saying that shit, I can make him sorry. I meant what I said to him today. I don’t give a fuck if he’s my teammate. I can find a way to kick his ass. Even with the help of his steroids, I’m bigger and stronger. This is the kind of shit you can come to me for help with.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Alex said, looking over at Zach. “We’ll try that. I might fuck up.”

“Just keep coming to me,” Zach replied, reaching out a hand to rest on Alex’s arm.

He let his thumb swipe over the skin, smooth down droplets of water.

“And keep pedalling. We’re on another fifteen.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Zach** _Hey so we forgot something kind of important_

 **Alex** _??_

 **Zach** _well_

 **Zach** _You needed a massage to loosen up some of the muscles right?_

 **Alex** _Needed? Idk. It would probably help._

 **Zach** _I meant that I offered and would like to do it._

 **Alex** _True. Sounds nice. Let me know if there’s something I can do._

 **Alex** _Kind of pay u back, u know..._

 **Zach** _You don’t have to pay me back. I want you to feel good._

 **Alex** _Yeah and I want to make you feel good too_

 **Alex** _Don’t make me put a wink face Dempsey_

 **Alex** _it’s fine if u don’t want anything back tho_

Oh.

Zach’s brain screeched to a halt, his lips and mouth suddenly dry.

Oh.

He remembered suddenly when he’d been walking with Alex earlier, electricity in the air around them, pictures of what it would be like if it was just them in the school and he could just take Alex by the hand and wrist, hold onto him, push him against a wall like Alex had pushed Zach into his door a week ago, searing themselves into his mind. Like the memory coming back for him, heat started to pool in his stomach and pelvis.

Zach sucked his lower lip in between his teeth. It was ten at night which meant his mom was asleep and May was either asleep or pretending to be, and fuck, he’d been so stressed lately. Today had built tension into all his muscles that even football practice and PT hadn’t been able to help him work through.

He cast a glance to where his laptop sat open on his desk, then to the phone in his hand. His texts with Alex were still up on the screen, and, instinctively, he reread them, moving to lay down on his bed.

He still hadn’t really jacked off to the idea of a guy before. Sometimes they popped into his mind during, especially Alex, sometimes just actors like the guy who played Hook in the ridiculous live action Disney show his mom and sister liked or the dudes that were dating in that Shadowhunters show May insisted he watch with her, but for a long time he’d savagely shoved the thoughts away into the recesses of his brain, forced himself to refocus on shapely curves and tumbles of hair, of how it had felt with Hannah, of messing around with Allison, of his fling with Lucy at one of Bryce’s parties.

All he could think of right now was Alex.

And with what they were talking about and doing every time they were alone for more than ten minutes, screw it.   

Zach licked his lips and typed a response to Alex.

 **Zach** _Definitely want to. Friday? Could stay late_

That way they could start with PT and go back to Alex’s after. He’d have Alex sit on his bed with his shirt off, Zach kneeling behind him at first, squeezing lotion into his hands. Alex would tell him all the places he was most sore and Zach would rub over them, knead into the knots of muscle until they were soothed away, until Alex was letting out breathy sighs, biting his lip, his skin shiny and increasingly flushed. Somewhere along the line, the heat would grow and Zach would lean in, kiss Alex’s shoulder, put his lips to his ear, gently pull him to lay against Zach’s body, reclining into the space between Zach's open legs. His dick would be pressed against the small of Alex’s back, his hands freely wandering over his sides, the planes of his chest and stomach. Brushing down over the jut of his hip bones, the dip of his pelvis. Maybe lower…

Zach was cleaning himself up, images still throbbing beneath his temples, aching want in his bones, when his phone pinged with a new message. Alex.

 **Alex** _Could maybe spend the night if u wanted. Game, watch junk TV, relieve some tension idk_

The first game of the season wasn’t until the week after, so Zach had no obligations his mom could bring up when he asked. First week of school there was never much homework. He already knew that May didn't need watched.

 **Zach** _Sounds perfect. Shouldn't you be sleeping Standall?_

Zach was laying down, frowning at his phone when it finally went off again fifteen minutes later.

 **Alex**   _Too hard to fall asleep. Jacked off again. Much easier now. Goodnight._

Zach stared at the words in disbelief for about thirty seconds before he dissolved into laughter so hard he had to muffle it against his pillow. Well, if that was how things were going to be.

 **Zach** _Same dude. We’ll probably sleep much better Friday._

 **Alex** _Or not sleep at all._

 **Zach** _I’m good either way. Goodnight x_

This time Alex didn’t reply. Zach was still smiling when he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote courtesy of the song "These Walls" by Trapt. You can listen to the acoustic version here: https://open.spotify.com/track/4GptKelxcepUlPBMgDwhjK?si=oZJby-PWRUyi5xozCMWvpA
> 
> Thank you all so much for your comments and support. It was incredibly encouraging through this chapter. Questions/Comments/Concerns/Desire to rant about fandom stuff? Drop it here or in the ask box of my general tumblr lunalitsol@tumblr.com


	3. Delicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: Violence/physical assault; Mentions of Bryce and references to Jessica's rape.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 3** : DELICATE

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"This ain't for the best._

_My reputation's never been worse, so_

_you must like me for me."_  

 ⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

There was nothing quite like football practice right after a good rain.

Coach  had given the guys a nice, long speech about how close they’d come to spending their practice in the weight room for the second time that day, but how, apparently, God had other plans. Zach figured it was far-fetched that God would care enough about Liberty High’s shoddy football team to change course on the day’s weather when there were monsoons and mudslides and any number of natural disasters around to kill perfectly good people, let alone to stop far superior teams from playing. Nonetheless, Coach was insistent it was a minor miracle that it had been pouring the whole day up until five minutes before their practice was set to start, and Zach wasn’t about to argue aloud.

Anyway, he was grateful for the opportunity to get out into the crisp air and be just Zach Dempsey, tight end for the Liberty Tigers. No drama, no doubt- only sweat and the elements of the sport. There was something about the slick grass, about how much harder they had to focus on teamwork and nailing plays, about how mud stuck to his cleats and his skin. It was the stuff of boyhood magic, simple and dirty and cleansing and immense. His blood pumped crackling electric.

By the time they were done, Zach was filthy, and he was rejuvenated.

So much so, even Monty’s furious face couldn't put a dent in his good mood.

“What’s up, de la Cruz? What do you want?”

“What do I want?” Monty repeated, eyes narrowed in what Zach almost thought was disbelief. “I want you to get your shit together on the field, man.”

Zach smiled at him.  

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

Monty took a step closer to Zach as if trying to crowd in on him, and Zach automatically straightened, letting his shoulders square up. He continued to smile as he looked down at Montgomery, raising his eyebrows once.

“How do you think this will go man? I’m thinking not in your favor.”

Monty stared him in the eyes.

“I’m onto your game, Dempsey.”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Well, I don’t know what you're thinking, but I’ll tell you something Monty. You’re off your ass if you think I’m playing at anything more than what we’re here for. Football.”

Zach carelessly flung his locker closed, the clang of it filling the mostly empty locker room for a moment. He picked up his towel off the bench and scrubbed it over his hair a couple more times, then shot it into the bin of laundry against the far wall, pleased (if unsurprised) when it went in.

“You gonna keep this shit up when basketball season starts?”

Zach turned, grinning toothily at Monty.

“What- my shooting skills? Coach would probably prefer that.”

“The fuck ups,” Monty said, unamused. His loss. “This shit’s not cool man. Our team-”

“You’re joining the basketball team?”

Monty glowered back at him.

“You know what I mean. Jamie plays.”

“I know Barrett fuckin’ plays,” Zach retorted, sobering slightly. There were rapist or rapist-abetting shitheads in every sport he played, and it was really fucking frustrating.

He shrugged into his letterman, slinging his bag over his shoulder. Monty stood in his path, stone faced.

“I have somewhere I have to be,” Zach told him, and he sure fucking did. He’d been looking forward to this Friday night the whole week.

“We can work this out,” Monty said. “What do you want?”

“What do I- seriously, Monty?”

“Seriously. We’re teammates. We’re supposed to be friends.”

“Friends,” Zach scoffed.

He should maybe be pissed, but he was really just kind of entertained. Coward’s true colors and all that. He heard the door to the locker room open and close as the last straggler left them.

“Yeah,” Monty said. “Friends, Dempsey, geez. And now this? What’s the problem?”

“The problem,” Zach laughed. “The problem, asshole, is that you’re a rapist just like fucking Bryce, and I’m not in the mood to chill with rapists anymore. Oh, also, you treat everyone I’m actually friends with like crap. I have no reason to care about you anymore. The end.”

“This is about fuckin’ Standall?”

Zach wasn’t laughing now, and he was damn close to putting Monty on the ground. For all the aforementioned shit, and also because now the fuckhead was starting to kill his mood. He’d been in good spirits the whole day. That was not getting taken away by Montgomery de la Cruz of all people.

“You don’t say his name.”

He almost snarled the reminder, and Monty’s eyes immediately brightened, his mouth twisting into a mocking smile.

“It’s all about him for you now? Alex? Alex Standall. Alex.”

“Shut the fuck up, Montgomery,” Zach said through his teeth. “This is me and you.”

“No,” Monty mused, and Zach wanted to fucking kill him just as much as he’d ever wanted to kill Bryce. “No, I think it’s definitely more than that. What, his brain damage contagious? Or does he just give really good head?”

Zach nodded once, twice, then was shoving Monty back and back until he was slamming into the wall hard. His fingers twisted into the other jock’s hair, pulling his head up and back sharply, so that Monty was looking at him dead on. Monty’s eyes were hard, unflinching. He spat, and it hit Zach’s cheek with a wet sound that had sickness sitting in the back of Zach’s throat, but he refused to outwardly react.

“You only get so many warnings,” Zach told him.

He slammed Monty back against the wall so hard he thought he might have heard the fucker’s skull rattle, and Monty rebounded looking both livid and dazed.

“You’ll regret this, Dempsey.”

“Fuck off, Monty,” Zach snorted, giving him a final push toward the wall.  

“Don’t you wanna know why?”

“No, I really don’t.”

Zach swiped the spit from his cheek, readjusted his bag, and headed for the door.

“Say hi to Alex for me,” Monty called after him.

Zach smiled, turning around just long enough to reply, “I don’t think we’ll have the time to talk much,” and wink.

He heard Monty start to say something else, but the words hit his back as nothing; and he kept going, and he didn’t look back.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

By the time Zach had gotten to the gym, he wasn’t sure he could have correctly said who Montgomery de la Cruz was even if the right answer would get him a full ride at the University of Miami. The only name his body knew was Alex.

And there he was, already shirtless in the locker room, same swim trunks as ever, tapping the bottom of his cane against the floor tile while he waited.

“You’re early,” Zach observed. He couldn’t have stopped himself smiling if he tried.  

Alex looked up, warmth all in his skin and eyes.

“You’re in a good mood,” he replied in kind, gaze flicking to meet Zach’s then away. “Help me up?”

Zach was there before the question was half finished, closing his hand around Alex’s.

“Bruises are looking better. How are they feeling?”

“Ah, still a bit stiff. More the ones on my shoulder.”

Zach automatically looked over Alex’s shoulder, reaching to feel gently over the joint.

“That’s not too surprising. Just need to push through it at this point.” Instead of pulling away, Zach’s hand flattened and rubbed over Alex’s shoulder blade, then up onto the side of his neck, cupping there soft and firm. “You’re strong,” he told Alex. “You’ve got this.”

There was nobody around them, just rows of red metal, the wood of the bench and the walls watching.

He felt Alex’s hand on the inside of his wrist, twitching like he was trying to force it to move, to grasp. Zach let his fingers spread, pulling his arm up a little, and then their hands were loosely tangled between them. Alex’s other hand had risen to rest on Zach’s shoulder. He leaned forward, closed the space between their bodies, and the feeling of his cheek over Zach’s heart was like soaring.

“Thanks,” Alex murmured, turning as he said it so the words went to Zach’s chest.

“Yeah, well.” Zach tilted his head down without thinking, lips against the crown of Alex’s dark hair. “Don’t thank me yet. I’m going to run you ragged out there.”

Alex tilted his head back to look Zach in the eye, the blue of them so bright and deep Zach would happily drown in it, and smirked.

“Just out there?”

Zach laughed loudly and shook his head, carefully extricating himself from their embrace.

“Get your cane, man. You’re going to need it after.”

“Zach,” Alex huffed, grinning. “Good one.”

There were spots of red on his cheeks, and Zach wanted to live for a while in how his name could sound on Alex’s tongue, at least long enough to know every possible intonation as well as he knew the back of his hand or the roster for the L.A. Angels.

He wanted to make his home in this kind of happiness.

Zach ducked forward to land a soft kiss on the corner of Alex’s mouth, then another gently on the bow of his lips. It was brief and chaste and he revelled in how Alex pressed back to him for even those few seconds. Like Alex was chasing contact with Zach just as much as Zach was him, each of them kind of basking in the headiness of someone else’s want.

“Come on,” Zach told him, and he was amazed his voice came out so friendly and light when the casual physical affection had started his whole body humming.

The pool’s water was pleasantly cool, and Zach relaxed into the familiarity of it. He and Alex knew the rhythms of their time in here: the way Alex fit in his arms as they waded in; the way the spotlights made everything unshadowed shimmer and glow; the way the acoustics of the open pool made their words and breathing sound. It was easy to fall into the usual ribbing and conversation between bouts of cycling, almost like nothing had really changed between them.

Maybe it hadn’t. Maybe this was always what was there, and they’d just had to see it to expand into it.

When their hour was up, as promised Alex was sore and clearly physically struggling, though his good mood was thankfully only just beginning to flag. Zach lifted him onto the edge of the pool and clambered out after, letting himself lay next to where Alex had allowed his own collapse, their bare, damp arms pressed together. They both stared up into the black endless above them, Zach imagining random pictures in the stars while he listened to Alex’s breathing normalize.

“Let’s just stay here,” Alex said finally.

Zach looked over at him then back up at the stars.

“Nah.”

Zach stood abruptly, cocked his head at Alex, and extended his arms impatiently.

“Come on. Get your ass up.”

Alex scowled, but it had no heat to it.

“I’m not ready to move yet.”

“Uh-huh. Come on. The sooner you get up, the sooner we get back to your place, and I can give you that massage.”

Alex stared at him for a moment, then licked his lips and took one of Zach’s offered hands. Zach automatically bent to brace the other against Alex’s back as he pulled him up. He thought he heard Alex inhale a little shakily as he leaned into Zach’s shoulder and worked to get ahold of his cane.

“My parents were really excited you were going to sleep over,” Alex said conversationally once he was buckled in, and Zach had started driving.

“Oh yeah?”

“My dad was trying to convince my mom to get someone to cover her, so they could have a romantic night together or something? I don't know. They used to have like a date night a couple times a month but since my suicide attempt…”

Alex looked out the window.

Zach swallowed, glancing between the slump of Alex’s shoulders and the road, the tilt of Alex’s forehead against the pane of glass and the colors of traffic lights reflecting off his windshield.

“I offered to sleep over once before,” he said, voice low. “After you got out of the hospital.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

Zach nodded and resisted the urge to fidget as he stopped the car, looking at the red light ahead so hard it started to blur.

“It was a bad week,” Alex continued after a beat. “They didn’t think it was a good idea. Something about how easy it could be for me to sneak away and hurt myself. They didn’t want anyone else to feel responsible if something happened.”

Well fuck. Zach’s chest cavity felt as though it was getting slowly filled up with cement.

“You’re not that bad anymore, right? That’s why they’re not worried this time?”

In his periphery, he saw Alex pick his head up and look sideways at him.

“They’re worried, just not as much. I think I made it so they’ll be worried forever. Anyway, they said they’ve seen how much happier I’ve been getting. More normal.”

He kept his voice neutral, though Zach knew how much Alex hated that word.

“Green light,” Alex murmured, shooting Zach a smile while he cursed and hastily switched from brake to accelerator.

“So are they doing it then?” Zach asked when the post-cussing silence had stretched just a little too long.

“Oh no. My mom’s had to change shifts for me too many times, so she’s still on her scheduled double. My dad’s using the opportunity to go up and visit Peter though. He’ll leave once we’re all set up.”

“Oh…” Some of the cement feeling had left Zach’s chest but his heart was in his throat, beating hard. “So, we’ll be alone.”

It was a statement that didn’t need a reply but he saw Alex nod once anyway, then drop his head back to the window.

They were maybe two minutes from Alex’s house.

“Maybe,” Zach said and paused to clear his throat, looking sideways over Alex again, tracing the angles of his profile with his eyes and wondering what it would be like if he could do the same up close but with his tongue, “maybe if tonight goes well we could, like, do it once or twice a month. I mean-” he cut himself off with a cough, cheeks feeling like they were burning.

Beside him, Alex’s shoulders were quivering a little like he was trying to suppress laughter, and Zach could see just a hint of pink skin and dimple in the dim light.

“Like,” Zach made himself continue, speaking each word with deliberation below a veneer of forced nonchalance, “I could sleep over and your parents could plan to go out, take a night in a hotel together, that kind of thing.”

Alex didn’t look at him but from what Zach could see of his face, he had to be smiling a lot.

“That would be really nice,” he heard Alex say.

Zach was warm all over in a way he wanted to burrow into. He reached for Alex, hand landing on his thigh, and he let himself squeeze it once before moving to take Alex’s hand and squeeze that too.

“We’re here,” Alex said. His voice was rough and hot over the superfluous words.

Zach grinned at him and parked.

“I’m going to kick your ass at so many games tonight.”

“You’re off your rocker,” Alex told him. “Come on, get out and help me up.”

“How many times am I going to have to help you with that tonight, you think?” Zach asked in turn, keeping his voice low but easy, just an edge of suggestion to it.

They were both still laughing when he took Alex’s hand to pull him to his feet and even still  as they walked together into the house.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“I know I was a crappy cheerleader,” Jess was saying, “but I miss it. So, a few of the girls are trying to tell me I should come back now that Chloe isn’t on the squad. I don’t know if I can, though.”

Zach knew he should be doing a better job of listening. Jessica had tracked him down with Sheri, together pulling him from the hall into an empty classroom before Sheri ditched them to take over walking with Justin and Clay. Supposedly, it was because he was an athlete or something?

Frankly, Zach didn’t get why she couldn’t have just talked to Justin or Sheri or her friend Nina or any number of her friends in this school. Why did it have to be him?

“You seem distracted.”

Zach forced himself to look at her and try on a smile.

“Sorry. No, I get that. It’s gotta be hard.”

She didn’t look convinced.

“I feel like we never talk anymore, Zachy.”

The frustration was momentarily outweighed by guilt.

Zach remembered watching Alex kiss her at the dance last year, remembered kissing Alex Friday night, Saturday morning. He wondered distantly if she knew the little constellation of moles behind Alex’s right earlobe; how much he liked teeth on his shoulder, teeth on the skin of his hip; what it was like to trace his dick through his pants; what it was like to rut against it, to have Alex groan low in his throat and rut back.

He was well aware now that they’d never boned, but how far had they gone? How far ahead or behind was he?

“What are you thinking about?”

“Alex,” he answered honestly.

It was interesting to watch the guilt spread with just a couple syllables of name, like he’d been carrying around a contagion in his larynx. Her face fell.

“Oh.” She looked down at where she was holding her bag in front of herself. “I’ve been missing him today…” She sighed. “Why do I feel like you’re more mad at me than Alex is? You know he and I are still friends.”

“I know,” Zach told her. His stomach was turning.

Jessica cracked her neck to one side then the other and rolled away from him, trailing a finger over the desk one ahead of his.

“Look, I get being protective,” she said finally, and Zach thought back to Justin last year, how often Jess had defended Alex against him, and admitted begrudgingly to himself that maybe she did. “I do, and I’m glad you guys are such good friends. But you don’t have to protect Alex from me.”

 _Fuck you_ , Zach thought despite himself.

“I swear,” Jess finished.

_It’s already too late for that._

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?”

She looked concerned, and the guilt rose even more inside him.

Zach wondered how she would feel if she knew he was messing around with her ex- that her ex was messing around with him. That they had feelings for each other. That they were more than just good friends.

That they’d had these feelings simmering between them, or at least Zach had, since before her and Alex’s brief reunion.

“Yeah, of course.”

 _Saturday_ , he was saying in his head, _I had my tongue so far down Alex’s throat, I could have touched his tonsils if he had any._

Jessica sucked in a breath of air and blew it out hard.

“Do you have any advice?” she asked, looking both a little plaintive and a little fed-up.

Advice? _Maybe don’t learn how to read minds._

“What is it exactly that you’re worried about?” he asked her, and he was so fucking gratified to hear the words come out gentle, friendly, and a good balance of concerned but pragmatic.

“Bryce is going to be playing for Hillcrest, remember?”

“Oh.”

His stomach dropped completely.

Zach had remembered in general, sure, but it was another of those things he’d been refusing to dwell on. That and he’d only thought of it in the context of himself what with Jess not being in cheerleading and Justin only playing basketball, which Bryce didn’t.

“Yeah, exactly,” Jess said like she could read all his thoughts on his face- which, yeah, he really fucking hoped not.

Zach had believed he had a better poker face than that, and he’d honestly been musing over how much he liked making Alex grin and moan pretty much all day. He was, again, tempted to advise her against developing telepathy or paying him too much attention.

“Well… have you talked to Nina about it?”

He was floundering, and he knew it. Jess gave him a look like _are you really that dumb?_

“Of course,” Jess retorted, and her voice was saying pretty much the same thing as that look that was still on her face. “But I wanted to talk to you, too. You know, since you’ll be playing him.”

“Right, right… That makes sense. I just don’t think it’s the same?” Her expression was quickly turning toward hurt and furious, which was truly the last thing Zach wanted for her regardless of their current baggage, so he hastily continued on. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to seeing him, but I’m not, like, panicked about it. I mean, I think you’re the only one who knows if you can handle seeing him like that.”

She still looked angry, but not necessarily with him as much, her eyes momentarily like she was far away.

“No, I know,” Jessica said, and the sadness and vulnerability that flashed over her face hit him like a heavy wave just above the kneecaps.

She shook herself a little and took another step away from him. She looked about ready to run.

“You know, thanks Zachy. I’ll, um, talk to you later.”

“Wait up! Jess, wait.”

She paused by the door, not looking at him.

“If you decide to join up again,” he told her, “I’ve got your back.”

Her face turned just enough that he could see her clearly, that her eyes like hot caramel almost burning could flick over to him. She looked like she wanted to smile at Zach but couldn’t remember the right way to move the muscles in her face.

“Thanks,” she said, barely there, and then she was gone around the corner.

Zach stood more quickly than he’d known he could and made it to the door just in time to see Jessica vanishing from sight with what looked like Sheri at her side. Clay was standing there waiting.

“You guys talk?” he asked.

Zach blinked at him a few times while the words registered. This day felt like it was moving in slow motion. The days without Alex always did.

Again, his thoughts must have been clearer on his face than they were normally because Clay asked: “Have you heard anything from Alex?”

“Not till three,” Zach shrugged. “That’s when he gets out from the last doctor.”

“Cool. Hopefully, it’s going well... So, hear me out. I was thinking about our system.”

Clay spent the rest of their short walk to the cafeteria reviewing possible amendments with him. Zach made himself focus when he heard Clay mention a switch to digital tracking instead of needing a physical buddy at all times.

In the back of his mind was Alex, head tucked into the crook of his shoulder, breathing heavy; Jess, wounded and angry and far away; Clay with his robots and righteous anger; Justin, still struggling to stay clean, still struggling to make amends for his endless fuck ups; Sheri, still finding a balance between who she was before her stint behind bars and who she was after. There was May telling him checkmate; Ryan; Tony; Courtney. He had all these people to worry and care about, and he was grateful, he really was.

But beneath it all, there was Monty repeating Alex’s name with that gloating, cruel satisfaction in his mouth and eyes. Below the march of everyone he wanted to protect, there was a current, strong enough to sweep his legs out from under him if he misstepped. The sound of it was like water rushing, like far too many people laughing and echoing Monty’s entertainment, like all that could go wrong roaring in his ears. Even when it seemed like they might be on the mend and their forming bonds felt like a kind of lighthouse, there was the promise of danger still hanging out in all their shadows. There was darkness swirling where he couldn’t see.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“Yes! I fucking crushed you!”

Alex’s shirt had still been off, as had Zach’s. There was a nice series of red marks where Zach’s mouth had been a half hour before, alternating between biting and sucking on Alex’s shoulder. Zach had been pretty sure there was a hickey or something just behind his ear. Every now and then as they played, Zach had been looking Alex over and getting distracted by the places where his skin was still shiny from lotion, feeling hot and unfocused at the memory of kneading into Alex, of his hands getting to slide over so much of him in ways that had only made Zach ache for more.

“Don’t go getting a big head, Standall,” Zach had teased and Alex had snorted at him, flopping backwards.

“With this hole in it? Not likely.”

Zach had set aside his remote, looking over at Alex critically.

“Sorry.”

“I mean, you should be,” Zach had said, and rolled over so he was on top of Alex, straddling him. He’d leaned in, kissed him hard, continued matter-of-factly, “That’s not really a nice way to talk about your mouth, man.”

Alex had laughed loudly, all red cheeks and dimples and swollen lips, then pulled Zach down with his good hand, dragging him into another searing, wet kiss, fingers tangled up in his hair, heat everything between them.

“I really,” Zach had said, punctuating each word with a kiss down Alex’s throat, “like your head.”

At the base of Alex’s neck, he kissed harder, swirled his tongue over how the skin had reddened up, and then rose to tongue at an earlobe. Alex’s moans had been climbing slightly in pitch, his blunt nails digging into Zach’s back, the hints of fine stubble on his jaw the best kind of scratch under Zach’s unyielding hand.

Alex’s hips had been the first to move, a little instinctive undulation, the hardness of him seeking friction; and then, Zach’s had too, and they were grinding into each other, and it felt like it had been far too long for Zach to remember how thought could become such an overheated haze while everything physical was suddenly clear as hell and siren-call beckoning.

“Fuck,” Alex had groaned, and Zach echoed him, reached between them to scratch down Alex’s chest and down until he was brushing over the outline of Alex’s dick, feeling it through his sweats. Alex’s hand had promptly fallen from his hair, grasped Zach through his shorts, and they were still moving against each other, still kissing, still swearing.

Everything had blurred and sharpened to a point when the orgasm hit, his whole body contracting around the electricity of it. Zach had let himself roll only half of the way off of Alex, kissing him languidly, his body so close to boneless.

Alex’s eyes had been closed, eyelashes thick and dark and barely moving even as they made out some more, moved moans and ragged breaths between them. Eventually, they just lay together for a while until Alex made some smartass comment about the stick of things and how he tended to get help from his parents to do his laundry anymore, how there were some things even he liked to keep private.

Zach felt like cleaning themselves up in such close quarters, the reality of how much had evolved physically between them, should have probably been a big deal. He should be at least a little freaked. Maybe have some kind of identity crisis?

But all he felt was normal or better. All he felt, in that moment and the aftermath and the days that followed, was relief for all they’d done and excitement for all they could still feel and be and do from there.

Once they were cleaned up and changed, they’d decided to switch on a movie. Zach had brought along some candy and popcorn just in case, and relished the look on Alex’s face when he saw. They’d started out just lounging next to each other, kind of leaning into one another’s space, hands occasionally held when they weren’t eating their snacks (or throwing them at one another, inevitably); then, about midway through the film, Alex had started struggling to stay upright. Zach had pulled him in sideways, wrapped an arm around him, without thinking twice.

As funny as the B-horror flick had been turning out, Alex’s face pressed into the crook of his shoulder as he started to fall asleep had quickly been all Zach could focus on, and he didn’t even remember when he’d followed Alex’s example and passed out himself. What he did know and remember was that when he’d woken up at six-thirty that morning, he’d been so glad to find the whole thing was real, to find Alex still there, curled hot and alive against his side.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Zach was in his room studying and trying very, very hard not to text Alex when his mom found him.

“No PT tonight?” she asked in greeting, and he spun his chair to face her.

“No. Alex had like three appointments today, so he was really worn out.”

Alex had needed to cancel before, but usually he didn’t call Zach  and spend fifteen minutes on a self-loathing rant about how much his body sucked now. Zach was glad Alex trusted him enough to give Zach these unfiltered looks at how he was actually doing, but he’d been pretty much on tenterhooks since. He hated feeling like there was nothing he could do even though he knew that was kind of the point, that listening was all Alex needed from him when it came to that sort of thing.

“Hmm.”

She ran her index finger down the length of the dry-erase board on his wall, eyes tracking over the dates he’d noted there for the football and basketball seasons.

Zach had almost started to believe his mom mustn’t have had anything specific in mind to discuss when she said: “What about baseball?”

He stared at her in disbelief.

“What about it?”

“Well, Zach, you weren’t serious about quitting.”

A lump formed reflexively in his throat. Firm words- _yes, I was_ \- were right there in his brain and lungs and on the tip of the tongue, but they withered and died when he opened his mouth to talk. _Coward_ , his mind and muscles hissed at him.

When he didn’t reply, his mom turned and smiled at him. The look was forceful, though on whose part he didn’t- couldn’t- know.

“Have you talked to your baseball coach yet? I know I should email him. We want to clear the air.”

“I quit,” Zach said finally, the words like a swath of cotton stuck in his mouth.

Her smile faded slightly but only that. Her eyes were dark and warm in a different way than Alex’s were, like he could see in them the embers of her ever-present fear. One wrong move could stoke up a fire who knew how large.

“I know you said that last year, Zach, but the controversy is over now, and it’s your senior year. There will be college scouts looking at you. And, honey, you’re a tremendous athlete in every sport you try, but baseball has always been yours. Look around you.”

As if he had to. As if he hadn’t memorized every bit of the baseball paraphernalia that filled his room.

“I- Mom-” but he couldn’t get past that.

His mom picked up the baseball in the little glass case on his desk.

“Do you remember when your dad got this for you?” she asked.

He couldn’t cry.

“Yeah.”

She drew a breath and he heard the air shake on its way in. A moment later, he realized he was doing the same.

“Bryce isn’t there anymore,” she said. “You have no reason to quit.”

But he did. The Clubhouse still existed. Monty was still on the team. The coach was still covering for rape and steroid use and any number of other illicit things. He’d still tried to use the death of Zach’s dad to manipulate him.

“Zach,” his mom said. She was close now.

She bent slightly, cupped a cold hand over his cheek.

“We need you to get into a good school. You’re such a good boy, and I appreciate you trying to take a moral stand, you know I do. But we have to survive. You have to survive. You need to focus on your future now, Zach. Your participation in these sports programs has opened so many doors for you already, just think what you could be missing out on without them.”

“I’m still in football and basketball,” Zach told her.

His head was buzzing. His chest was hurting.

She sighed, pulled away from him.

“I’ll email the coach. If you could write a letter of apology-”

“What? Mom, I can’t do that. I have nothing to apologize for!”

His mom’s face was stern. Her eyes were like the darkness of a blown out bonfire.

“You missed an important event and made a scene. That was the wrong way to go about quitting to begin with. He’s more likely to speak well of you to recruiters if you come back on good terms. You’ll write an apology. By the end of the week, please.”

She paused then, a flash of deep sadness and fear blink-and-miss across her face,  

“I love you.”

The words were urgent, beseeching. He nodded and swallowed them down.

“I love you, too, ma.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Zach** _Hey, question._

 **Alex** _What’s up?_

 **Zach** _;)_

 **Zach** _Are you planning to come to the game Friday?_

 **Alex** _Idk. Bleachers are kind of tricky at night. Why?_

 **Zach** _Crap that’s a good point. Forget it, it’s nbd._

 **Alex** _Do u want me there??_

 **Zach** _Obviously, but I didn’t think about the logistics._

 **Alex** _I’ll be there._

 **Zach** _?? You don’t have to do that babe_

 **Zach** _dude*_

 **Alex** _No it’ll be cool. I’ll drag Clay and a bunch of the others along to help me._

 **Zach** _U seriously don’t have to_

 **Alex** _I seriously want to. Chill Dempsey_

 **Zach** _Is it too late for me to come over??_

 **Alex** _No._

 **Zach** _Be there in 20 x_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

They started off their season, as was the great Liberty Tigers tradition, with spectacular failure.

The night was hot, the sky streaked in a gradient of blue, purple, and pink, and the smells of potato, popcorn, and bacon grease were so thick in the air that they were only outweighed by that of the endless dirt and sweat. It was a potent combination, a thrilling one.

Zach could see May and his mom almost immediately before the game even started. May had made a sign with his name and some lame (albeit admittedly endearing) little rhyme- something about Zach Attack and on the snap.

It didn’t necessarily make sense but he was pretty sure it was the thought that counted.  

He didn’t have to look far to find his friends. Clay and Tony were seemingly helping Alex up the lower steps and Zach could only imagine what Alex had said to them before allowing the assist. They quickly gathered en masse in the section allotted for handicapable students, and Zach didn’t have to be able to clearly see their faces to know how they’d be looking challengingly at any adults that approached, daring them to say something about it. The gratitude filled him up again.

They had been scored on within the first twenty minutes of the game. Zach didn’t care. There was grit under his nails, exhilaration like a magnifier over his eyes. He was hyper-aware that Alex would be watching him, and it made all his senses acute. He already knew they were going to lose, but he knew just the same that he was going to play his ass off.

By halftime, it was evident Zach was the MVP on the field but that their team was overall playing poorly. Coach presided over them in the locker room like one of those ministers overtaken by the spirit of the lord, quaking and moaning and spouting nonsense like a litany with only occasional interjections of direct rebuke. Zach didn’t even try to hide his smile when Monty and Jamie were two of the five players drawing most of the coach’s ire. The coach didn’t notice, but he knew Monty did. He was glad for it, even if he knew he was basically playing with matches near a vat of gasoline.

It was what Alex would do, wasn’t it?

Zach had kind of liked the idea that he could take a little of Alex’s spark around with him. That maybe they were rubbing off on each other in non-physical ways too.

He seized the opportunity before they were back at it to stand at edge of the risers and look up at everyone he knew, to wave and trade shouted jokes.

The game was 22-5, in favor of the Panthers. He was still on top of the world.

When it was over, Zach hurried to get out of uniform, eager to see everyone. He knew they were planning some kind of celebration to make up for the lack of a big party to go to, and was beyond ready for the chance to let loose a little.

Zach had his shirt over his head when the hands grabbed him.

“What the fuck?”

Something hit his head- the wall?- and he was dazed momentarily. By instinct, his hands had started scrabbling, curling into fists and lashing out. The hands around him tightened, and he recognized there were at least four sets.

It was as flattering as it was worrisome.

He felt himself hit stone and fall, a second later a squeak hitting his ears, and then water.

He noticed the noise before the wet, but then it was everywhere. Someone kicked him hard enough in the ribs to bruise, but mercifully not hard enough to break anything. His shirt was pulled the rest of the way off and for a second it was gone and he was blinking into water trying to see. He could make out Monty’s stone face, but the others were wearing football helmets and his eyes were blurry and stinging. Zach swung and his fist connected hard enough with someone that they let go and he thought he heard the sound of a soft _oof._ Zach used the momentum to his advantage, slamming his heel into what he thought was someone’s knee. Their grip loosened just enough that he could slip free, but there was still two more sets of hands pinning him by the shoulders, and then his shirt was back, sopping wet and being wrapped around his face, stuffed into his open mouth.

It took about thirty seconds for the panic to set in.

Zach flailed furiously. He felt his foot connect with someone once, then again, and planted it down when no-one was holding his lower body, digging his heel into the slick tile. He managed to get an elbow upright against the grout and used all his body weight with the sloshing water to flip himself and, by default, the people that had been holding him. The shirt fell from his mouth, his whole brain fuzzy, and he took a second to cough up water, pull in air, before he was moving.

Zach hit the first person he saw like a freight train. Everything was roaring and racing and adrenaline pumping and freezing water still pouring down.

Hands went to grab him again and he pulled away, formed a fist and threw it, hitting someone in the gut.

“Go,” he heard Monty say. “I got this.”

Oh, he did?

Zach’s vision was tilting, red and hazy with rage. He had Monty against the wall under the shower-head a moment later.

“What the fuck is your problem?” He was screaming, but he didn’t care.

Monty’s lips had curled up, but he was otherwise impassive. Zach could feel the beat of his heart and blood in all of his body, the pound of it almost as loud as the water still falling.

“You gonna hit me?”

It sure as fuck sounded like an invitation, and Zach had pulled back to do just that when the undertone and expression caught up with him.

Trap. It was a trap?

“No,” Zach said through gritted teeth.

He had no way to know for sure, but not like this, not with Monty basically calling the shots, not when his ears were clogged with water and ringing and he had no idea who had left them behind. He could hazard a guess or two, but it didn’t matter right now.

He wasn’t Alex-level reckless. He just wasn’t.

If anything, Monty looked more pleased.

He leaned in to Zach as much as he could with Zach’s hand still bunched up in his undershirt, holding it hard against the base of Monty’s throat. Zach stood stock still, trying desperately to control his breathing.

“I wonder what Standall will do.”

Zach stared at him, blinking away water furiously.

It had to be a trap.

Did he care?

Zach had almost made his mind up to put Monty’s head so far into the shower wall that he wouldn’t be able to remember his own name, let alone Alex’s or Zach’s or anyone else on the list of people Zach needed safe, when he heard a throat clearing.

His hand fell from Monty’s collar and they both automatically adjusted themselves as if to make themselves look innocent and presentable- as if they had a snowball’s chance in hell.

The coach was hunched in the entry to the showers, squinting at them like they were pesky flies or something. His polo was half-untucked, and Zach was pretty sure there was a spot of drool still damp on the sleeve of his reflective jacket- so, he'd been nodding off when he was interrupted. Coach was decidedly less willing to put up with their bullshit right after he'd woken up.

If Zach had been doing anything, he'd probably have been given detention at least, maybe even suspended from the team. Fucking Monty.

“I was interrupted in my office and told there was a fight happening,” he groused at them, eyes narrowed. “What’s the problem here boys?”

“No problem,” Monty volunteered.

“Dempsey?”

It would be so easy for him to say yes, to describe the bizarre attack, the implicit threats.

“No,” Zach said roughly. “No problem.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Zach knew he should go in.

All his friends had congregated around him after he’d finally emerged from the locker room, a flurry of questions about how long he’d taken and did he see x, y, z happen alongside more commentary than he could keep up with. Ryan was making airy comments about finding poetry in sport like he thought no-one else could possibly understand the words he was saying; Sheri and Jess were dissecting the cheerleading routines with delighted savagery; Courtney was trying to talk to him about college scouts and competitive programs; Clay was awkwardly stumbling through congratulations for the win, not entirely succeeding in keeping a tone of irony at bay; Justin was there thumping him on the back, asking about plays; and Alex- Alex was quiet, just kind of watching even though he was the one Zach most wanted to talk to.

Maybe because of that?

They’d decided to carpool over to the Jensen’s house, and he and Alex had been alone in his car all of two blissful minutes before Jess knocked on the window and asked if she could join them instead of riding with Clay, Justin, and Sheri.

He didn’t know how to explain that all he wanted to do anymore was relax with Alex, lose himself in their physical sparks again like he had the other night, reclaim some of the few things in his life that were still easy and fun and good.

If he couldn’t have that, wouldn’t he rather go home and play some game with May? Hole up in his room and study or jack off to thoughts of last Friday for the fourth time that week...

“Hey,” Zach looked up at the sound of Alex’s voice. “What are you doing out here?”

Zach stared at him, licked his lips, swallowed thickly.

“Uh, I was supposed to grab something but,” he shrugged.

Alex’s eyebrows furrowed. He limped over to Zach, stood as close to him as he could get without touching.

It wasn’t enough, not by a long shot; and yet, somehow, it also was.

“Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?” Alex asked finally.

Zach shook his head, looking down at his hands on the porch banister.

“Okay,” Alex said easily.

It was already a little easier to breathe.

“Can I show you something dumb?”

 _Always, babe._ “Sure,” Zach told him. “I like when you’re dumb.”

Alex laughed and bumped his good arm against Zach’s.

“So this looks like shit, because I did it. I wasn’t going to ask Clay or whatever.”

“What does?”

Alex nodded down at his cane and tapped it slightly against the ground.

Zach frowned and was just about to ask Alex what the hell he was supposed to be looking at when he saw it- a paper taped toward the top of his cane with the number eighty-five written out in block numbers.

“That’s my jersey number.”

“Since sophomore year, right? I told you it was dumb, but I thought it might show my support, you know? It was more subtle than making a sign I couldn’t hold up.”

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Zach admitted to him quietly.

Alex grinned, then looked away.

“We’re hanging out tomorrow. For now, everyone in there wants to talk to the star player of the worst football team in California.”

How was it that he was already feeling calmer and warmer? He still kind of wanted to drag Alex to his car and maybe go park somewhere remote, but he also was suddenly able to picture going into the Jensen home, lounging about the living room with most of the people he liked best these days, talking shit to one another and playing video games or whatever else. The image was nice, kind of like… like the get-togethers he used to be able to count on but less bullshit, less lonely.

“There are peewee leagues, you know?” he asked, turning to face the door but keeping his eyes on Alex all the same.

“Oh, they were included in my assessment. Come on, man. You’ve got, like, marginal bragging rights.”

“Cool, every athlete’s dream.”

Zach felt himself smile again, and it was like- for a moment even the shadows were far away. It was just him and Alex and more genuine friends than he could have ever guessed he’d find before college, all waiting on him to get his act together and enjoy this moment with them. He was done thinking about it, done worrying, at least for tonight. Zach opened the door, braced one hand on the back of Alex’s shoulder, and led them both inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote from "Delicate" by Taylor Swift. Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCXGJQYZ9JA
> 
> Thank you sooo much for your comments everyone. They are really all impossibly lovely, not to mention beyond motivating. It's been a very busy few days, and I've been spending every spare minute writing, so I haven't replied to any of last chapter's reviews yet. I'll try to do at least a few, but if I don't respond for whatever reason please just know how enormously much your words mean. As always, feel free to join me in sin at my general/multifandom blog lunalitsol.tumblr.com. For what it's worth, I am always down to be sent prompts/reqs for shorter stories if that's a thing people want (and will do my absolute best to fill them, given this story, my two original WIPs, and the two mini-humans I serve daily). <3


	4. Stutter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: Vague reference to last chapter's attack.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 4** : STUTTER

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"Sunshine blinds you if you stare,_

_but now I see, yeah, crystal clear._

_So here I am;_

_You can take or leave me, but_

_I won't ever be anywhere but here."_

 ⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Good sides to how preoccupied Zach had been lately:

  * Alex ( _hanging out with him, talking with him, making out with him, getting off with or to the idea of him, texting him, dreaming about him, wanting him, feeling wanted by him- fuck_ );
  * That he was staying active ( _PT with Alex and messing around with him also counted there, but Zach had football and working out keeping him pumped and in shape as well_ );
  * That he’d been developing more real and balanced friendships ( _there was literally no pressure to lie about his sex life seeing as only like half of them had even had sex, no pressure to pretend like he didn’t give a fuck about his mom and sister, and it felt good to be supported without also feeling like he had one foot on the edge of a cliff_ ).



Bad sides to how preoccupied Zach had been lately:

  * Well….



Zach stared down at the test in front of him until the letters started blurring. They might as well, because they made no damn sense. He could pick up terms he kind of remembered from lectures, but couldn’t even make their meanings click. It was his senior year; what the fuck was he doing?

Alex. And football. And Alex. And working out. And Alex. And friends and a buddy system and Alex.

Fuck.

Zach filled in the few answers he was pretty sure he remembered when he squeezed his eyes closed and made his brain zero in on his cram session last night, but it was still only a third of the test if that. The short answer section was only about three questions- thank fuck this wasn’t a midterm- but they were each worth five points of the total fifty and the whole thing was pretty much a non-starter. He guessed on all his remaining questions and bullshitted the page essay to the best of his ability, but even as he did, Zach knew this was at best a C- effort.

If this was the precedent for the semester, he was well and truly fucked. Zach needed his academics for sports and needed both for college which he, in turn, needed for any hope of a future, not to mention to honor his family, to honor the legacy he’d been left, to ensure his family’s security.

He had to do better.

“How do you think it went?” Clay asked as he gathered his things up at the end of the hour.

Zach looked back at him knowing he looked irritated and that Clay didn’t actually deserve it. If he’d only had his old study group- but no. The trade off wasn’t worth it. He just had to suck it up and figure out how to balance everything better somehow.

“That bad? The, uh, multiple choice can be tricky, but I actually thought the essay question was… not terrible...”

Zach scowled at him, and Clay winced, looking at the clock.

“Ryan and Alex should be here any minute,” he told Zach. Like Zach could possibly not know when he was supposed to be seeing Alex.

For some reason, the thought only made him more annoyed.

“Did you just forget to study?” Clay asked, shifting his backpack onto both shoulders instead of just the one.

“No.”

Clay nodded, looked away then back and kind of awkwardly tried to smile at Zach. It was painful to look at, and almost funny and pitiful enough to weaken Zach’s shitty mood. Almost.

 “You know, I used to be a peer tutor-”

“Hey, who pissed in your breakfast? What’s up, Zach?”

Zach reached for Alex automatically, slipping an arm around his back.

Ryan had only been walking next to Alex, ready in case he needed extra bracing, but Zach was more cautious than the others- and more able to get away with it. Ryan shook his head at them, muttering some warm snarky thing to that effect under his breath, along with half a metaphor about a vase (a word he pronounced in that really obnoxious, fake European way). Alex met his eyes like they were both in on the joke of it; usually, they were, but Zach couldn’t bring himself to share the humor at the moment.

“Hey Standall. Don’t be a dick. I just bombed the hell out of the test in Pratters’ class.”

“Civics is such horseshit,” Alex retorted, his voice softening to conciliatory.

“I’ll have to ace the next ones to have any hope of saving my average. Not to mention all the other quizzes I keep fucking up.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex told him. “Fuckin’ sucks.”

“Clay, come on. Fascinating as the ‘bromance’ of the century is, the greatest Brontë sister awaits our discussion.”

“You think Charlotte’s the best?”

“You don’t?” Ryan looked at Clay aghast, and Alex’s hip bumped Zach’s in a way that he could tell was deliberate.

Zach rolled his eyes as Clay and Ryan almost immediately lapsed into a discussion of literature bull he couldn’t care less about. Regular english coursework was more than enough for Zach- he couldn’t even imagine how much he would lose his mind taking a lit elective like those two were.

“I know I’m not the greatest study partner, but I can still hold up a flashcard. Just for the record.”

The words were sardonic but soft underneath and sent a burst of warmth straight to Zach’s chest.

“I know.” Zach cast a look around them as they walked toward their next class, noting how no one was paying them much if any attention. He lowered his voice as he added, “That’s not really the problem. It’s more that it can be kind of hard… to focus. Around you.”

Alex kept his eyes trained forward, but his grin was everything.

“Just around me, huh?”

“Well, Justin can be pretty distracting. You know him, always asking about random shit. Next thing you know, it’s three hours later and you’re reading about some Triangle Fire that happened in the 1900s on wikipedia.”

Alex shook his head at Zach.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said after a beat.

Zach licked his lips, imagined what it would be like to push Alex against the door to their English classroom and kiss him fucking senseless. Maybe move with him so Zach was against the door like that time in Alex’s bedroom, slumped against it with Alex leaning into him heavily, their lips and tongues and skin all that existed in the world for a while.

The thing was: he had to figure it out. Just Zach did.

Alex didn’t have to do anything; but, the fact that he wanted to, the way he spoke about them like he cared just as much as Zach did about his future, like it concerned him too? Fuck if that didn’t make him feel a little less alone. Fuck if it didn’t make him want to press into Alex, to echo back that feeling into every inch of him Zach could get to. Fuck if it didn’t mean more to Zach than he could possibly ever say or spell with his tongue into heated skin.

Zach helped Alex to his seat almost reluctantly. He really wished he could just ask about skipping together or some shit, like Alex had done with Jess last year. Maybe go out. He’d love to take Alex somewhere, maybe drive to a dock or an arcade, go see a movie, hide out in one of their rooms, hell, even hit up the aquarium the next city over.

Alex would tolerate him pointing out all different types of aquatic life, even ask some questions or read the placards aloud in a voice either skeptical as hell or insanely suggestive until Zach couldn’t stop laughing. He’d kiss Alex in the low light of the shark tank, let Alex buy him ice cream and do his stupid bit with the spoon on his nose that he’d already shown Alex far too many times for it to still crack them both up like it did. He’d let Alex take over the music the drives there and back, give him crap for some of the weirder stuff in his library, and maybe probe a little on what some of the songs meant to Alex specifically.

They had such different taste, but Alex always had a lot to say about music they listened to together. He liked how his guard came down some when Zach asked him to explain a melody or set of lyrics or some weird line that was usually some even weirder reference. He loved how Alex talked about these things with him- the way his happiness made him a little more watchful and soft-spoken, but still funnier than he had any right to be. He’d trade barbs with Zach to balance the exchange of looks brighter than the California sun could ever dream of being, and Zach would feel like he could drive forever if it meant keeping that space and time between them alive.

Zach was brought back to the present by the dude that sat in front of him handing back a sheaf of papers- the essays they’d turned in the last Friday. Shit.

He felt Alex’s good foot settle against the back of his right ankle and wondered if he’d seen the grade on Zach’s before he passed back the pile less his own work. It was a D.

He should pull his foot away from Alex’s. Maybe cancel their plans to hang out after PT on Wednesday night. He should spend every waking minute he wasn’t in class or in a game (practice, legit, whatever) or doing his conditioning or helping Alex with his physical therapy on cramming, getting his shit together academically. He definitely shouldn’t be fooling around. This was no time to be thinking about fun, about hangouts and make-outs and all the Alex things he wanted to do. This was certainly no time to concern himself with his friends’ problems and rants and offers to help that would inevitably get bailed on. Like his mom had said- he needed to keep his head down and focus.

Zach pressed his foot back a little, returning some pressure to Alex’s toe. He wanted so much more contact right now.

As the teacher began writing out vocabulary words on the board, he slipped his phone from his pocket, hid it behind his arm on the desk, and sent Clay a text asking what he knew about dystopian novels, about editing for syntax and repetitive vocabulary, about the best ways to memorize civics bullshit without his brain going numb.

A moment later, his phone beeped to alert him of a reply far swifter than he’d expected.

 **Clay** _Thursdays after your football practice. My place. You & Alex only do PT M/W/F right? _

**Zach** _Yeah._

 **Clay** _We’ll have food. Bring: novel, textbooks for any classes that are a problem, and a pen._

 **Zach** _k. thx._    

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“So,” Alex said, then paused like he was trying to make up his mind or something, and Zach was instantly on edge.

They were lying side by side on Alex’s bed, less than an inch between their torsos. Zach had one arm behind his head, elevating his neck on top of the half of too-hard pillow he’d been allotted, the other between them, his hand folded over Alex’s and holding it loosely.

He turned his head to look at Alex, who immediately drew a breath, held his gaze a half-beat, then moved to look up at the ceiling. Zach’s eyes traced the lines of his profile, the angles of his jaw, as he felt his anxiety rise a notch.

“I guess I should just… I really want to say bite the bullet, but I feel like you might not appreciate that.”

“You’re right, Standall, I don’t,” Zach told him, staring hard at how Alex’s neck pulsed, the subtle rise and fall of his chest.

Just the fucking thought of guns was enough to make him want to grab Alex and protect him somehow. Shove them both away with music and snacks and video games and shut all the rest of the world out- kind of like he’d been imagining in class on Monday. It was as if the danger never stopped. Even in the best moments between them, there was the memory or lingering shadow of perils that Zach was still trying desperately to figure out how to fight.

Alex groaned.

“Now all I can think of are shooting metaphors. Why do we have so many of those? Anyways, look, I just- I don’t want to kill the vibe or whatever, but are we, like, dating now?”

Well, that was the last thing he’d expected based on how this conversation had started.

Zach pulled himself sideways, propping up on an elbow. He tightened his hand around Alex’s.

“That’s what this is about? Seriously?”

 “Well, yeah, I mean, we haven’t really defined things, right? But it’s been a while that we’ve been fooling around and you said you liked me too, and you act like it, or I think you do. But it’s confusing you know? Like, this isn’t just… an experiment with feelings or a friends with benefits thing. Is it?”

“No,” Zach said, then hastily continued, “I- I get it. I do. Um, sorry. If I’ve been unclear, I mean.”

“It’s cool,” Alex said, eyes closing.

Zach studied the way his eyelashes about brushed the very tops of his cheekbones, long and dark. Automatically, he found his gaze sweeping down to Alex’s lips. It would probably be inappropriate to kiss him right now, might come off like he was trying to avoid talking or whatever, but fuck Zach wanted to so badly. What had Alex said again?

Right.

Zach drew in a sharp, shallow breath, shoving back at the rush of lust, and made himself focus.

“No. I mean, it’s not cool.”

Alex’s brow furrowed and he turned momentarily to aim a critical look Zach’s way before returning to his previous position. Zach’s throat was dry when he swallowed, a pulse of heat low in his stomach, dipping toward his pelvis.

Goddamn why was this so- well.

“What I mean,” Zach forced himself to continue, “is I think dating is good. I, uh, probably haven’t been as clear as... What I’m trying to say is- I guess I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything with you. I don’t-” Zach paused, working to make himself weigh his words at least a little, to at least try to say what he was thinking right, “really have much experience labelling things. It always seems like- it’s just an invitation for drama, right?”

Zach squeezed Alex’s hand in his a little harder than he might normally, gathering his thoughts and courage. The physical connection between them was like an anchor.

“I prefer trying to stay present, too,” he admitted, forging onward. Their joined hands were trembling. “Just do what feels right in the moment without all the extra stuff. But with you... You’re not, like, an experiment or whatever. And, if I’m honest? Um, labels might make me nervous, but I want to have one with you anyway.”

Alex’s throat moved convulsively around a swallow that Zach did everything in his power not to think too much about. His eyes had cracked open and the look in them was kind of inscrutable, but Zach thought he saw the softness he liked so much.

He reached his other hand without thinking about it, brushing over temple and fine dark hair, resting it at the jut of Alex’s jawline. Alex’s good hand came up slowly, his fingers pressing into Zach’s, holding them there. Zach felt himself smile.

He couldn’t have denied this was deeper than just physical stuff even if he’d wanted to, terms of endearment constantly sticking to the tip of his tongue lately. Sappy shit about how he wanted to never leave when he was with Alex, how much he thought about him, how he wanted to always make him feel happy and wanted and good.  

“I totally like you. Like a lot like you. It’s just that it’s all..”

He picked his hand up to gesture vaguely, scowling, and it was Alex’s turn to smile.

“Complicated?”

“Exactly,” Zach said, relieved that Alex had so quickly picked up on the strands of thought Zach himself couldn’t totally keep track of. And he didn’t seem frustrated or even mocking of the idea, just like he got it.

His grip returned to Alex’s jaw, tightened briefly, then slid back to clutch hard at his neck. Alex leaned into the touch. Licked his lips.

Despite himself, Zach’s eyes shamelessly chased the movement.

Alex huffed a laugh at him, dimples and teeth showing.

“I really want to make out again,” he said when he was done, and Zach didn’t miss the way Alex was watching his mouth, darting looks down his body.

He wiggled his eyebrows a little, feeling like he could smirk if only he could stop smiling so much.

Alex shook his head, but his whole face was relaxed and too warm for Zach to be worried.

“But first, can we be clear? We’re dating? Like boyfriend and boyfriend dating.”

Zach gave him a look he hoped pulled off the aloof vibe he was going for. The fact that he was still kind of idiotically grinning probably didn’t help his case.

“I don’t know, Alex. Will you go on a date with me? We can go see whatever’s playing at the Crestmont Saturday.”

“Hell yeah,” Alex answered him, then almost as fast as his face had lit up with understanding of Zach’s dumb game, it was falling. “Shit. Will that be weird?”

Zach rubbed a hand over Alex’s right arm, not bothering to hide his confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Like… people will see us there.”

“Hey, hold up,” Zach said, horror dawning on him quickly. He tried not to think of Hannah but it was basically impossible, suddenly like he was looking into two sets of blue eyes instead of just the one. “I’m not looking to hide anything, Alex. I’m not… I can’t make that mistake again.”

Alex sighed, and then he was the one reaching for Zach, his good hand closing over Zach’s bicep, rubbing up over his shoulder.

Zach wished it made him feel better, but it was the opposite, fear and frustration and sadness twisting up inside him.

“Alex, I’m serious. I’ve already…”

“I know,” Alex said lowly. “I wasn’t- Zach, I want us to be together. But if you thought telling people you and Hannah were a couple or whatever you were was… complicated… we’re a lot more. And it’s not just about our friends and family. I don’t know about your mom and May, but Peter, my parents, and Jess have all known I was bi for years. Hannah knew. I think ultimately all our friends would be cool with it. None of them are who I’m worried about. Zach, the douchebags at our school, the jocks… it’ll be bad, especially for you. They’re your teammates. You have to be able to play and work out together and trust each other and all that shit.”

“Fuck them,” Zach bit out. “I don’t care anymore.”

“Zach…”

“Seriously, Alex. I-”

“Zach,” Alex interjected, his head shaking a little. “We’re already both targets for Monty and those guys. You’ve said it yourself. If you’re on the team with them, and they know we’re a couple...”

“I can quit the team,” Zach said but even as he said it he knew it was a lie and could tell Alex did too.

“I don’t care about telling everyone,” Alex said, eyes meeting Zach’s, blue electric and searing. “Look at me. Dude, you think I’m lying? Shit. Did it hurt my feelings to think you were ashamed of being friends with me last year? Yeah. Of course. It sucked.”

Zach felt sick with himself at just the thought. God, he was so fucked up. He kept hurting people he- fuck- people he cared about. He couldn’t stop being with Alex now that he’d gone there, now that he had the choice to keep doing what they’d been and more; but, likewise, he couldn’t do what he’d done to Hannah again, especially when he’d already done something close enough last year to Alex when they were only best friends. Essentially, everything Alex was saying was true, and he was stuck. He was fucking stuck.

“Zach, this isn’t the same thing.”

“Bull,” Zach muttered. “I’m making the same mistakes all over again. I can’t hurt you anymore. Alex, I can’t lose you.”

When he met Alex’s eyes, searched them, there was worry he hadn’t expected, warmth he wasn’t sure he even deserved, and the slightest bit of frustration that he got the sense wasn’t meant for him.

“Fucking hell, Zach. No, listen. Hannah wanted to be around other people, right? Like be brought around your friends and be together in front of whoever was around. I don’t give a fuck about that right now. I want to be with you. If you want to be with me, too, at least for now, being a secret is fine. I’m cool with it. I’m actually kind of into it. That means it’s not the same.”

When Zach didn’t reply, eyes closed, a circle of want and shame forming flames in his mind, Alex continued. Zach couldn’t look at him, but tried to focus on the words, to really listen to them like Alex had asked him to.

“If you’re against it for your sake, then I’m fine with telling people and dealing with the fallout. But don’t think you need to put yourself through all the drama and shit for me or to try and correct the past. I’m not your Hannah 2.0. This is different. We’re different.”

Zach believed that, he really did, but fear was still clogging up his throat.

He couldn’t hurt Alex again.

“Look,” Alex said again.

He sounded resigned. Zach hated it.

“I overheard some shit about you and Monty getting into it.”

Alex kept fucking surprising him tonight.

“Where? What did you hear?”

He didn’t realize he’d let go of Alex and pushed up off the bed until he was pacing. He couldn’t even look at Alex, fear keeping him tightly coiled and unwilling to risk Alex’s eyes seeing through him.

“Monty was laughing and talking shit about us. He said fucking with you almost made up for you missing blocks on purpose. Are you okay? You didn’t say he did anything.”

Alex’s tone on the last part turned lightly accusatory, and Zach could hear what he was thinking as easily as if he’d said it aloud. Zach would be livid (i.e. terrified) if the shoe were on the other foot.

But it wasn’t. And what happened in the locker room was more a cheap scare than anything. Hell, Zach had come away with only a bruise on his ribcage that wasn’t even as bad as the ones Alex had gotten the first day of school. He wasn’t going to be a bitch over a single bruise, some bullshit and some water.

“It was nothing.”

“Okay, but why does Monty think you’re intentionally screwing up on defense with him?”

Zach laughed, shaking his head. That, he could answer.

“Because I am.”

Silence.  

Zach finally let himself risk looking at Alex only to see him snickering soundlessly, shoulders shaking. Zach joined him, flopping down next to Alex on the bed, his head against Alex’s arm as they laughed together, as the ice that had been crystalizing inside of Zach seemed to crack and melt. He felt one of his boyfriend’s arms come up, drape over him and hold him close. Everything was warm again.

“So. Dating. Boyfriends,” he said aloud.

A shiver rippled through Alex he suspected had nothing to do with mirth.

“As long as it’s what you want,” Alex murmured.

 _Babe._ God, Alex.

Yeah, fuck, he wanted it so much in whatever imperfect way he could get it.

“We can still go to the Crestmont,” Zach mused. “We go see movies as friends. It’s not that much different.”

“If we want to makeout…”

“We look for an empty theater and sit in a back row. If someone we know comes in, oh fucking well.”

It was kind of like a compromise. It was the best he could do.

Zach thought he understood where Alex was coming from, what he was thinking. He definitely got that things at school would only get more dangerous for both of them if everyone knew right now. Alex was right- Monty and the other jocks would have a field day with it.

Even their stupid ever-evolving buddy system had its fault lines. If it was safer this way for Alex, for them both, and they could still keep being together, keep exploring all this potential blazing between them; then, it was the choice he had to make.

Anyways, much as Zach didn’t think he needed protecting, he could appreciate that Alex wanted to. He could let that idea keep him warm.

“Okay,” Alex said into his hair. “We can do that.”

Zach tilted his head back and pulled Alex to him, touched their lips together gently at first, then harder, harder, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss, to be as fully with Alex as he could be.

With his boyfriend.

He was always wanting more. He was always more than happy with what he had.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

The indoor pool at the rec center was mercifully not too crowded, its primary occupants the gaggle of middle schoolers watching dutifully as the last few of them finished their laps. May had her legs in the water, sitting beside one of the metal ladders as she waited for her turn, hair back in a ponytail and a look of concentration on her face.

Zach took a picture of May sitting like that for his mom, then turned the camera around for a selfie to send Alex with the water and reflected light all glowing in the background.

His boyfriend had morning shifts every Saturday at the Wallplex, his employment a parting agreement from one parent of Hannah Baker to the other, which was really just as well. Zach’s weekend mornings had long been reserved by his family.

Sundays were pretty much all about church and family brunches, working out, and doing homework, but Saturdays tended to find May on the hook for swim team or soccer or some choir thing to which Zach had the unquestionable honor of escorting her. After, they’d go grab lunch together and hang out just the two of them for a while before parting ways, with May either getting dropped at a friend’s house or at their own place if Mom was home. Zach knew he was supposed to think the whole thing of it was annoying and a burden or whatever, but he’d never really found it in himself to resent time with his little sister- with anyone in his family actually, even before his dad’s death.

Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t excited to get out of here or that he couldn’t also spend some time blowing up Alex’s phone.

Zach scrolled briefly up his message chain with Alex after sending his picture, rereading some of the texts, the increasingly familiar light longing starting to coalesce in his veins, to throb softly into all his muscles. He had just started to weigh whether or not he should open his phone’s gallery to look at a few of his Alex pictures when he heard the sharp blast of a whistle sound for the second time.

The water splashed as May dropped in, moving quickly to the starting point against the wall of the pool’s far side, and just like that she had his undivided attention. He whooped and cheered for her as she awaited the signal to start, relishing her pointed eye roll just as much as the sheepish grin she tried to hide against the water. Another whistle blow and May shot off like a fish, her form practiced and fine in his totally unbiased opinion. He cheered again when she completely resurfaced at the opposite end of the pool lane from where she’d started, waving and winking at some of her now giggling teammates. The coach was ignoring him, shaking her head as she reviewed May’s time and gave her a few tips or whatever, but Zach was pretty sure he was starting to crack her tough persona. At least she was no longer trying to scold him for being too distracting.

“You know,” May said after she’d gotten dressed and bid her teammates goodbye, “you’re more obnoxious than Dad ever was.”

Zach smirked, reaching over to wrap a hand around her still dripping ponytail and squeeze out some of the water.

“That’s pretty much the highest compliment you could ever give me,” he told her with teasing sincerity.

“I know.”

May slipped an arm around him and hugged their sides together quickly then pulled away, yanked her ponytail out, and shook her wet hair at him like a dog.  

“Was that necessary?”

May shrugged.

“Where are we going for lunch, Zachy?”

“I figured you could choose.”

It was generous of him given that he almost always picked where they went, but the week had him in a better mood than he maybe should be all things considered. Zach held the door for her and a couple of teens he vaguely recognized from school- underclassmen, to be sure. May threw her hair back again as she waited, then seized his arm and started into the parking lot with Zach letting himself get pulled along.

“Can I drive?”

Zach snorted at that, shot her a look, and made a point of tightening his grip on his keys.

“No way in hell.”

“Worth a shot. What about music?”

May let herself into the passenger seat and started fiddling with the bluetooth syncing while Zach got himself strapped in.

He barely noticed she had his phone until he heard a text notification, and his sister laughed loudly.

“Alex says, ‘that’s a good view but it’d be better if you were in the water’ and asked if the flexing is something you do every time you take a pic of yourself or just for him. It’s definitely every time. It’s so funny, like a tic or something. Do you want me to tell him that?”

Zach’s face was burning. It had to be.

Holy fuck, he’d had a secret boyfriend three days and he’d already screwed it up? How dumb could he be? What if Alex thought he’d done it on purpose?

“Give me that,” he hissed, grabbing his phone from May’s hands and about dying with relief when he realized she’d only seen Alex’s text via the notification and not gone into all their messages.

“Okay weirdo,” May rolled her eyes and looked out the window.

“And I don’t flex in every pic.”

“Yes, you do. If you know it’s being taken anyway.”

Zach groaned and tilted his phone away from her slightly as he tapped out a couple replies.

 **Zach** _Fuck you, you like it_

 **Zach** _Can’t wait to see you later. About to take May to lunch._

 **Alex** _Not today, but we’ll see what happens. Don’t flatter yourself too much Dempsey._

Zach turned his laugh into a cough. Fucking Alex.

 **Zach** _Ah so you don’t put out before the first date? My mistake ttyl_

 **Alex** _Maybe we can figure out H.J.s after the first date_

 **Zach** _tease_

 **Alex** _Have fun w/May x_

May cleared her throat, and Zach blinked at her, taking a solid ten seconds to remember himself.

“Crap. Sorry. He was, uh. We’re seeing a movie later, so he was suggesting some stuff and yeah. Where do you want to go?”

May’s eyes narrowed, but then she just hit the button on the dash to switch on her favorite radio station and told him the name of a local Vietnamese place Zach rarely agreed to go to with her. It didn’t even occur to him to argue the selection- he was just glad she wasn’t pressing him about Alex. Glad she hadn’t seen their messages.

Although…

Zach pictured for a minute just telling her he and Alex were together now.

He didn’t even know if she’d be surprised- May was always one step ahead of him and pretty much everyone else, hard to actually pull one over on and totally impossible to watch movies with because she loved to guess plot twists and sit there looking all smug every time he questioned where something was going. So, probably she’d just accept it and brag that she’d been waiting for them to figure it out. Then, she’d say something sweet just when he thought she wouldn’t, hug him and say she was proud of him and dad would be, too, and mom would be fine, if only eventually.

May would bug him about meeting Alex properly, and when she did they’d probably talk about shit like music composition that was over Zach’s head, maybe make fun of Zach together a little bit. Later, she’d hug him and ask how he always found people so much cooler than he was. Admit to him that it was all the more impressive because it wasn’t like he wasn’t pretty cool himself. And explain to him teasingly that what she was saying was that he was cool. Mostly. Zach would let her get away with it, even though he definitely knew what she meant when she pulled that kind of thing.

For a minute, he thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it wouldn’t have to be this big, stupidly dramatic thing. Maybe he could just tell May.

The minute ended, though, and what the hell was he thinking? May was good at keeping quiet as long as all she had was a theory, but she was still just a kid, a pre-teen, and as soon as she got confirmation of anything she’d become a ticking time bomb with the truth. Inevitably, she’d blow his cover, let something slip to their mom.

Mom was admittedly a wild card for how she’d take it, but one thing was for sure. When it came to the things she couldn’t bury, she would rant to her couple mom friends with some minimal discretion, and from there their kids would find out somehow probably. And then it would be all over the school. Just like that; gossip like wildfire.

It was worth it, for sure, and it wasn’t like he didn’t have a whole load of things he kept from his mom already, but he couldn’t help a pang of frustration. Alex had said his parents knew.

Realistically, Zach was aware that it was different. Alex had vaguely alluded to knowing he was bi since middle school, but Zach was still figuring things out. Calling Alex his boyfriend had been so much more easy than he’d expected it to be (hell, he actually kind of loved it), but words like bisexual still stuck cloying to his tongue. His mom would want to know exacts, and Zach had none yet to give her. He was working on it, but he wasn’t there yet.  

“Hey Zach?”

“Huh?”

Had he missed another message from Alex? Zach’s eyes anxiously sought his phone, but it was still in the cupholder where he’d left it. Still, maybe she was going to call him on his secret after all. Say something vague but certain, like just “I know,” and give him a look like _who do you think I am?_ Like _Zach, you’re not fooling anybody_.

“You missed the turn,” she said.

“I missed the-”

“The turn, yeah. Are you okay? Did that new study group you went to the other day like fry your brain?”

“Hah. Good one.”

Zach shot her a smile then swung a U-turn at the next intersection. For the next hour, that was that; he was focusing on what was in front of him and leaving the rest in the cupholder or glovebox or wherever the hell it needed to be. This hour was just Zach and May.

Thoughts of Alex and all the confusing sexuality stuff could come back to him later. Hell, if their texts and previous hang outs were anything to go off of, they would, definitely.

Zach smiled to himself, parked the car, and let himself glance one more time at Alex’s last text before putting his phone on silent and following his sister into the restaurant.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Justin was damn lucky he’d caught Zach in the two hour window he had between dropping May off at her friend Avery’s house and when he had to get ready for his date. He was even luckier Zach was in such a good mood, still buzzing every time he thought of Alex, of the word boyfriend, of getting to go out with his best friend and hold hands in the dark and do whatever the fuck they wanted until as late as midnight (provided they were checking in with at least one of Alex’s parents regularly). There was no way they’d make it to his boyfriend’s curfew, but every possibility sent a little thrill down Zach’s spine, no matter how remote.

Zach’s knuckles had barely finished a second rap on the door when his other best friend opened it, their fists automatically bumping in greeting.

“Man, I’m so glad you were free.”

“Yeah. So, uh, what’s the big emergency?”

“Get your ass in here,” Justin demanded, looking anxiously around the stoop.

Zach raised his eyebrows but came in anyway, scanning over the living areas he could see from the entry. One of the usual three Priuses had been out front, but fuck if Zach could tell who it belonged to. Go figure, there was no-one but Justin in sight to let him know either.

“It’s just Clay’s mom that’s home,” Justin said, evidently able to guess Zach’s train of thought as easily as if it had been written on his face. “Ours, I guess. You know, technically. She’s in the study now working on a case or some shit like that.”

“Cool. So, what’s up?”

“I have a secret to tell you.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“If it’s anything about drugs, it’s not a secret I’ll keep,” Zach reminded him.

After Justin’s last relapse, he’d gone about two or three months before Jess figured it out and told Zach, who told Clay, who lectured Justin and wasted little time in ratting him out to their parents. He’d been clean and working with a teen NA type group or something since mid-July, and Zach was pretty sure he had to know that if he’d slipped again, none of them were going to keep it quiet.

“Shut up. No. It’s nothing like that, geez.”

Zach stared back at him expectantly.

“What’s up, Justin?”

Justin shook his head and beckoned for Zach to follow him into the living room, then to sit down on the sofa.

If this kept up, Zach was going to get very impatient very quickly.

“Words, dude. What’s the deal?”

“I’m going to blow your freaking mind, that’s the deal. Are you ready?”

Justin looked like he was waiting for a response but Zach had none. He was, indeed, ready- though his desire for Justin to just spit it out had more to do with wanting time to move a little faster toward five o’clock than it did interest in this mysterious secret.

“So, Sheri. You know Sheri, cool as hell, total badass, hot as fuck.”

“Yeah, I know Sheri, dumbass.”

“I’m making a fucking point,” Justin retorted, but he didn’t seem all that offended or concerned. If anything, it was like he was somewhere between self-satisfied and hyperactive. “But if you’re going to be that way, fine. I’m just telling you: she likes Clay.”

This was what he’d been called over here for?

“And?” Zach asked.

“And,” Justin scoffed. “Sheri likes Clay. She like likes him. Clay. My straight-laced brother from another mother.”

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t realize we were in seventh grade again.”

Justin glowered at him.

“If I wanted the sarcasm, I’d have gone to Alex or Jess or fucking Clay himself.”

“Man, Justin, Sheri’s been into Clay since last year. Maybe longer. Why do you care so much? Is this like a get Clay laid operation or something?”

“A get Clay what?”

“What the shit, Jensen? When did you become a fucking ninja?”

Clay was standing in the doorway, door still open, looking totally bemused. Behind him, the day looked clear and crisp and bright, and Zach wanted nothing more than to ditch the both of them, barrell past Clay’s spaghetti arm in favor of early autumn air and at least showering before he went to pick up Alex.

“Hey, where were you?” he asked instead.

Clay’s eyes narrowed suspiciously but he held up his arm just the same. For the first time, Zach actually noticed the few bags over it- looked like a video game place and some comic books?

“I thought since people were coming over so often I should grab some entertainment. I also got a haircut, but I’m guessing you can’t tell.”

“No, it, uh, it looks good man,” Justin said, flashing Clay his more disarming, devil-may-care grin, as if either of them would be fooled.

Zach shook his head at him, amused despite himself. Clay was right, of course; his hair looked like the most that had touched it was a light breeze.

“Cut the crap, alright Justin? What the hell were you two talking about? Zach?”

Clay came the rest of the way into the house, closing the door hard behind him and dropping the bag of video games unceremoniously to the floor, taking care to set his bag of new comics, however, on the little table nearby.

“It’s the fucking Priuses,” Justin said, like _aha!_ “Like why the fuck do you need a car that quiet? Why do you want one? It’s just to sneak up on people. It’s like… what was the kids show with the little girl and the sneaky fox?”

“Justin just figured out that you and Sheri are into each other,” Zach told him, then turned to Justin. “Man, can you fuckin chill?”

Justin groaned.

“No, I’m not fucking allowed any more.”

“I didn’t say smoke up, I said chill.”

“You know what?” Clay asked loudly. “Forget I asked. And stay out of my business.”

“Jensen, hey hold up. You like Sheri back?”

“Does it matter?” Clay asked, eyes narrowed incredulously.

Zach had rarely seen Justin back down so swiftly before.

“No, whatever. I don’t care. It would just make all our lives easier if you were getting some. But no worries, brother, I’ll butt out.” A stagnant pause, then: “Would you guys stop looking at me like that?”

Clay did, instead turning fully on Zach.

“Since you’re here, how much time do you have?”

“Uh, not long. Why?”

“Not long,” Justin repeated. “Why? You got a hot date you’re not telling us about, Dempsey?”

“Ignore him.”

Zach looked briefly at Justin, then snorted and shook his head at his friend. Justin was the last person he was concerned would figure anything out. They were on pretty even ground with academics and Justin was even pretty smart when he wanted to be, but leaps of logic had never been his thing, especially when they ran counter to what he already believed. Like that Zach was straight, for instance. Clay gestured for Zach to follow him up the stairs, Justin giving them both the finger before grabbing the bag of video games and starting to dig through it.

“So, I went through your notes for history and corrected some things, then went ahead and annotated the next few chapters of _Brave New World_ for you. That should help you out. If you have questions, text me or Ryan, otherwise we’ll go over everything next Thursday. That worked for you right?”

Zach nodded, flipping briefly through the book in his hand.

He hadn’t exactly expected more than just Clay and maybe Justin on Thursday, so coming over to find multiple cars in the street in front of his house as well as pretty much all his friends taking over Clay’s room was a surprise, rapidly a welcome one. Having more than just him asking questions and wanting help took some pressure off, and it was kind of cool how spread out all of them were as far as the subjects they excelled with and those that were a struggle. He’d missed Alex, who spent pretty much every Thursday after school in therapy or support group, but he’d also been able to focus and get a lot of work done. He’d even been able to help Tony and Ryan with some of their Anatomy work. It was more reciprocal than his old study group had been, more like a team effort. He couldn’t even  begin to say how grateful he was really.

“Thanks again,” he told Clay. “For the book and the… everything.”

“Yeah, well. It’s no problem. It’s actually… it’s nice not to be the only one good at science. I mean, Tony’s good with some of it, but,” he cut himself off with the _whoosh_ of an exhale, tapping his knuckles together awkwardly. Hannah used to do that too, Zach remembered. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Zach reassured him. “Totally. So, listen, about before-”

“Don’t,” Clay interrupted him. “Look, Justin’s being an idiot and spinning out. I’m guessing he just didn’t tell you because of Alex, but he asked Jessica again if she would be his girlfriend and got a pretty definitive no.”

Oh, shit. Well, that explained a few things. He should probably feel bad, or at least sorry, for Justin; however, Alex was in his head again, and he just couldn’t bring himself to. Which, according to Clay, was exactly why Justin hadn’t told him. That part, Zach almost did feel badly about.

Almost.  

“Are they going to keep flirting and screwing around?” he asked when he found words again.

Clay shrugged.

“I don't know. I don’t really want to know.”

“Right.”

He got that for sure.

“Well, I’m gonna get going. Thanks again. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Yeah, sounds good. Um, also… that thing about Sheri? Don’t, like, say anything to her, okay? It’s just, I’m kind of trying not to be in anything right now. Romantically or whatever. It’s just after Hannah and Skye, and all the shit that went down, I’m trying to just focus on myself. I don’t want to start anything just to end it or whatever.”

Zach’s chest kind of ached when he pulled in a deep breath and forced a smile in Clay’s direction.

“Yeah. Yeah, no worries. That’s probably really smart. I won’t say anything.”

Clay visibly relaxed some and this time readily waved him off. Zach barely stopped to yell a goodbye in Justin’s direction. As soon as he got the door open, there was nothing but the light and the rest of his day waiting.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Alex** _Hey, I went ahead and bought tickets for the movie online in advance fyi_

 **Zach** _shit I was going to cover that. Can cover mine?_

 **Alex** _the fuck you will._

 **Alex** _But you’re buying me so much candy_

 **Zach** _I was also planning to do that_

 **Alex** _Best laid plans dude._

 **Zach** _Fine. Split an icee too maybe?_

 **Alex** _Fuck yes_

 **Zach** _Awesome. I’ll be there to pick u up in 30._

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Alex opened the door laughing.

“You said thirty minutes, Dempsey.”

“And?”

“It’s been less than twenty.”

“I got bored at home waiting,” Zach confessed shamelessly. He glanced backwards at the car in the driveway, then between Alex’s eyes and lips and what he could see of the house over his shoulder. “Your dad’s here?”

“Yeah. He’s in his office. He brought home like a mountain of paperwork. It’s ridiculous.”

“So,” Zach glanced again over Alex’s shoulder. “Is there a window in that office?”

Alex caught onto his game and the smile that flashed over his face was blinding, albeit gone as quickly as it had come. What was left behind was somewhere between the softness, the warmth, and some place colder, like a wall had gone up to take some of the power from the happiness and the wanting. Zach knew better than to address it. That kind of thing was beyond him.

Besides, Alex was still leaning a little against the door frame, wearing jeans Zach well knew had been a lot of effort to get on and would be potentially miserable to take off at the end of the night.

Of course, maybe he could help with that part. What else were boyfriends for, right?

“At the theater?” he asked, trying to put effort into keeping his words vague in case Alex’s dad chose to come see them off.

“We’ll see. Car might be better.”

It was for that reason precisely Zach had planned a drive after the movie to some nature reserve or whatever. Still. Zach let his gaze sweep over Alex conspicuously. Heat flared in his stomach when he saw Alex do the same. The hesitation from before had almost vanished and the blue of his eyes was just heat. Zach imagined his own had to be visibly dark with excitement. However Zach looked, Alex seemed to like it. That was more than good enough for him.  

“I know I was early, but are you ready to go?”

Alex nodded, grinned at Zach in a way that was maybe kind of anxious but mostly just happy. Eager, just like he was.

“Definitely.” Then, he smirked, “Sure you don’t want me to drive?”

They nudged into each other, and Zach’s arm went around Alex like it always did.

“Nice try babe. Still not happening.”

Alex snorted and muttered something that sounded snarky, and Zach couldn’t wait to kiss him, even as he did.

They had time. After all, there was all night before them, hours and hours of just Zach and Alex. Zach and his boyfriend.

This was already worth it.

Zach took Alex’s hand and held it in his the whole way to the theater. Neither of them faltered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote are from "Stutter" by Marianas Trench. You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxtfsX722Yk  
> It also occurred to me that y'all might appreciate the link to the whole Zach/Alex Spotifty playlist, so you can find that at https://open.spotify.com/user/12123822118/playlist/3mWd4b6YwnPDUrE1xwqApg?si=sDkIs8FzQzWYl2ivUYnxhQ. It's collaborative (meaning you can not only follow it but also add to it) and ever-growing.  
> As usual, you can find me at my ridiculous tumblr if you want (lunalitsol.tumblr.com). Anyways, thanks again for all the feedback!! I'm definitely going to go through and try to reply over the next few days. A few came in right around my birthday on the 1st- let's just say best.gift.ever. Unfortunately, my little ones and I all got sick over the last few days, so this was slightly delayed at getting finished, and basically every time I was writing anything it was this (I thought people might prefer that to my replies). I do want to reassure everyone that I didn't use archive warnings for a reason. No-one will be getting seriously hurt in this fic. It exists primarily to follow the uneven path of recovery and the beauty and difficulty inherent in having a romance blossom concurrently. I hope this chapter was a bit of a nicer one for you guys. Next chapter is date city! ;) Love to you all <3


	5. Mutual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: Mentions/discussion of Tyler alongside allusions to all associated canon events; appearances by Monty & Bryce; references to domestic abuse; verbal taunting; descriptions of physical violence (see asterisk in end notes if reassurance needed); references to past drug abuse; references to Zach's attack in ch3.  
> 

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 5** : MUTUAL

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"I want you close to me._

_I want you close; I want you closer._

_But when you're here with me_

_it's hard to tell just what you're after._

_You say_ _you_ _want all of me today but_

_tomorrow's not the same._

_My feelings never change."_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

The movie was more interesting than Zach expected it to be, but still not half as interesting as the company.

Every time he started getting pulled into some action sequence, Alex would lean over, breath hot on Zach’s ear while he made some joke about the music or “how many lawsuits would happen from that shit in real life” or how things might look to a stoner watching the news report at home, and Zach’s blood would start that tingling simmer under his skin while they laughed together.

It was the same deal pretty much when things turned steamy on screen, breathy jokes setting his skin on fire; Alex’s hand leaving his grasp to land atop the middle of Zach’s thigh and squeeze it slightly; Zach’s heart throbbing into his sinuses, slipping all the way down to his feet, at the sensation and the possibilities it promised. Zach had retaliated by reaching toward Alex’s lap, putting his hand into one of the bags of candy right there at the top of his leg and taking his time getting a handful, all the while watching how Alex bit his lips and licked them and didn’t even try to mask how turned on he was. Aloof was no longer an Alex Standall specialty, but Zach wasn’t convinced it ever truly had been anyway. He liked that he could see every glimmer of lust, every ember of joy and affection, every spark of entertainment, every curling of anxiety. When Zach finally had the candy in hand, he divided his time between eating some and teasingly tossing the rest toward Alex’s mouth.

Around them, the theater was mostly empty, the few couples and stragglers all strangers and more wrapped up in each other than the teenagers in the back row.  

When there was maybe ten minutes left of the movie’s run-time, Zach leaned over, letting his lips just barely touch the shell of Alex’s ear and made a point of whispering heated things like an idiot about what the plan was after they got out of there.

Zach knew he was lucky when it came to Alex. His boyfriend didn’t seem to care if he sounded dumb or if he wasn’t half as smooth as he pretended to be, and the understanding of that was practically incandescent inside him. He was lucky Alex liked him so much; lucky for his wanting Zach; hell, lucky Alex was there to lean into him at all, that he was alive and talking and mostly still himself. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever felt so fortunate to have any other person in his life, at least while they were still in it. It was harder these days to take Alex for granted than not to.

“This is so much easier than I thought it would be,” Alex murmured almost absently in response to his flirting, their cheeks an inch apart.

He looked happy and afraid.

Seeing that, Zach wanted little more than to move the armrest out of the way and hold Alex closer than he’d so far been able. He forced himself, instead, to look around them, to ensure no-one was watching, if for his boyfriend’s sake than nothing else, and finally dropped a kiss on Alex’s lips for just for a few seconds.

If he let himself go longer, he wouldn’t stop without Alex telling him to, and right now he wasn’t sure either of their self-control would intervene once those reins were let down. Besides, in probably half an hour he’d have them somewhere they could pretty safely open the floodgates for a while.

It was about the balance, right?

It helped that Zach was liking this secret, this dance of subtle gestures and teasing and something that was just theirs, more than he’d expected he could post-Hannah. He thought maybe knowing it was what Alex wanted and knowing that he’d claim Alex as his publicly and absolutely if it came down to that made all the difference.   

After the movie, Zach assisted Alex getting up and wrapped an arm around him to help maneuver them both safely down the stairs. He should maybe have pushed more for them to have just taken the accessible seats, but Alex hated the exposure of those to begin with and had made the very valid point that there was no messing around without getting noticed there, maybe not even holding hands. Anyway, it was just as well- Zach was down with whatever gave him an excuse to touch Alex more.

“I’m good now.”

“What?”

Alex stumbled a little as he pulled free of Zach’s hold practically the second they hit the landing, leaning heavily on his cane, darkness flashing over his face. He spat a few cuss words at himself, then winced and pulled in a deep breath. Zach could practically hear the count of it, could see the numbers in the tension through Alex’s shoulders, the hard clench of his fingers flexing over the handle of the cane, the way his bad leg was trembling and kind of hovering above the ground. All of Zach’s instincts were to wrap Alex up again, but he knew better. Alex had to do this part himself and, just as importantly, he clearly wanted to do so. After two minutes of standing there, making himself wait, forcing down all the desire to _do_ that was churning around inside him, Zach saw Alex’s shoulders loosen minutely. His breath was still somewhat shallow and uneven, face splotched white and red, but the flare of anger had seemingly gone out.  

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered. His cheeks were burning. “You were just being nice and doing the same things for me you always do. I got nervous and overreacted. You deserve-” he exhaled hard instead of continue, face twisting. Zach was watching him carefully. “We’re going to have a good night,” Alex said firmly, eyes on the ground. “It’ll be fun. I’m good now. Let’s go.”

When he started walking again, there was still half a foot between them, his gait unsteady.

Zach stuck his hands in his pockets with the stowed candy leftovers and ticket stubs to prevent himself reaching for Alex. Again, he was grateful Alex cared enough that he had worked to implement calming tools without being prompted, that he wanted them to have a good time, and that he was choosing to move forward with their night with at least a semi-positive attitude. Hell, six months ago Alex would have still been on a crusade against himself and possibly trying to instigate a fight with Zach. Nonetheless, there was aching in his lungs like he was holding his breath, worry and want dousing his nerves like cold water.

He could feel the showers pounding down on him again for half a heartbeat. Freezing and hard, absolutely relentless. Could hear Monty’s taunts in the back of his head.

No. Fuck that.

Zach looked over at Alex, forcing himself to stay here, stay present. If Alex said he was good, Zach had to believe him. He just did. That was the deal. They talked, and they trusted, and that was that.

“You can help me,” Alex told him

He was still staring straight ahead at the double doors to exit the theater but obviously had either felt Zach’s eyes on him as they went through the lobby, or maybe seen them in his periphery. Zach had to wonder if the itch to hold Alex that was so tangible to him was perhaps as plain and solid on his face. Whatever it was, he didn’t need to be told twice.

When Zach’s arm went around his back to brace him, Alex leaned in to the touch.

Outside, the air was warm, the leaves golden and mired in shadows of encroaching dusk. The damaged pavement and gravel were harder to navigate in the dimming light, and Zach watched where he stepped vigilantly. On instinct, he gripped his boyfriend tighter to his side as they picked their way disjointedly toward where Zach’s car was parked, thankfully getting no resistance. As the darkness grew and the people still in the lot became fewer and further between, Alex’s head dipped toward Zach’s shoulder, brushing against the top of it. Zach pulled their bodies as close together as he could.

He wondered if he could kiss the top of Alex’s head without them tripping, and when he couldn’t be sure, settled for making himself wait the thirty seconds it took to reach the car door. Zach’s lips brushed over his boyfriend’s hair, pressing softly down as he helped him into the passenger seat. When he pulled away, Alex smiled, a little wan, and grabbed for Zach’s hand, skimming his own lips over the top of it before he released Zach to go around and get in the driver’s seat.    

“Do you know where you’re going?”

Zach finished buckling his seatbelt and looked over. The night was really setting in outside, the sun all but gone below the horizon with shades of pink and purple barely visible through the insurgence of dark sky. The stars he could find were pinpricks, few and far between. A street lamp by the parking space behind theirs reached just far enough to cast aglow the slope of Alex’s chin tilted up, the way his hair skirted the top of his temple, the way the shadows deepened the hollows of his cheekbones and thickened the fringe of his eyelashes. His lips were ajar, enticing in the half-light.

“Pretty sure,” Zach told him. Then, only a little reluctantly, he added, “Unless you’re too tired?”

Alex opened his eyes and turned his head, still tilted, to peer at Zach. He definitely looked worn out, but his eyes gleamed despite the darkness.

“No way. I’m not that lame. Could use some sugar though… you know, if there’s any left you’d like to share.”

Zach laughed, automatically reaching into his pocket and seizing a half-full bag of sour skittles, as well as an unopened package of licorice.

“Fuck yes,” Alex murmured. “That’s so hot.”

“Don’t tell me all it takes to get you turned on is junk food.”

“Are you giving me that or not?”

Zach snorted, tossing the candy at Alex and shaking his head.

“Now, I was going to have us grab shakes to take along to the park, but are you sure that’s not too much sugar?”

“Too much sugar,” Alex huffed, closing his eyes again as he popped a few of the sour skittles in his mouth and moaned around them. “Ninety percent of my diet is sucrose-free, dye-free, and disgusting. The limit does not exist when it comes to sugar.”

“The limit definitely exists.”

“Not tonight it doesn’t,” Alex retorted. “Milkshakes have calcium anyway. You want me to be big and strong, don’t you? Or does the idea of competition scare you?”

His grin was sly, and Zach almost missed how Alex’s eyes opened a crack to see his reaction.

“Your mom will kill me if she ever finds out.”

“If she finds out, she’ll never let me eat anything good again or be out of her sight, and that’s worse than death.”

Alex shuddered a little, grimacing, then opened the bag of licorice with his eyes closed like a fucking magician. He stuck one in his mouth, speaking around it to add, “I guess it’s good we both know how to keep a secret.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“So… who was it?”

They were at the gym, Zach’s back flat on the bench and Justin only half visible beyond the bar looming above him.

Zach flexed his hands around the bar, squinting at his friend.

“Who was what?”

“Really dude?”

When Zach continued to stare him down, Justin rolled his eyes, head shaking. His amusement had swiftly taken on an edge Zach couldn’t fully pin down, though there was some hurt to it, some frustration.

“The chick that put you in such a good mood,” Justin said, his voice kind of faux flippant. “What- you sneak off during the post sermon brunch? Get blown between the empty pews? Tell some private school chick you wanted to show her Hymn sixty-nine?”

“Shut up,” Zach told him, all offhanded like. He realized he was still kind of smiling but couldn’t bring himself to care.

After all, he couldn’t get his date with Alex yesterday out of his head. The movie. Candy in the car. Music and milkshakes and making out under the stars. Their hips pressed together in the passenger seat, top down, cooling air on the heat of bare skin and sweetness passing between their tongues. Only one real date and he was already in this so deep.

Zach couldn’t wait for the next one.

For now, though, the memory was still buzzing through his muscles and brain, leaving a humming of adrenaline, a want that pervaded. Alex’s hand in his under an armrest, his fingers clenching into the back of Zach’s neck in the car, the fresh air and bass thrumming and wet grass and wet mouth- it was all still with him, but like an echoing that had all other sounds coming in sharper. He could focus here, push himself and work-out with his friend, and all the while still have the happiness pulling at his face, singing through his brain.  

“I think I’m good for another rep, man.”

Justin grumbled at Zach but counted him through another set of lifts anyway.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Zach** _SO guess who I dreamed about again last night_

 **Alex** _Clay’s dad?_

 **Zach** _?? no why did you_

 **Alex** _lmao no_

 **Alex** _those dreams stopped a while ago_

 **Zach** _well that’s_

 **Zach** _are you fucking with me???_

 **Alex** _So much, yes._

 **Zach** _I was doing a cute thing_

 **Zach** _and you ruined it_

 **Alex** _Sorry babe_

 **Alex** _dude*_

 **Zach** _lmfao you win._

 **Alex** _So, you wanna come over and try to win something? Even the score?_

 **Zach** _Gotta study some more._

 **Zach** _But are you still free in a few hours??_

 **Alex** _Of course. Gotta hear about that dream, don’t i?_

 **Zach** _Well, if it’s in person I can maybe show u some of it  ;)_

 **Alex** _definitely free. Suggesting my mom use that time to run errands... C u soon xo_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

There was nothing that could make Zach want to avoid rocking the boat more than his recent streak of wins- from getting together with Alex, to beating the fuckhead football team from Madison last week, to finding a group that actually consistently studied and worked well together (as well as subsequently getting his first ‘A’ on a Civics quiz since the start of the semester). It had gotten to where he could almost feel normal. He could almost forget how shit things had been at this school in the last month, let alone the last year. It was maybe a bit like playing with matches, but, fuck, it was nice. No drama, minimal pressure, just the feeling that everything might be stabilizing and coming together. Finally.

Maybe that was why he was getting so sick of hearing the name Tyler today.

Alex, Clay, Tony, Ryan, and Sheri were all of one mind pretty much when it came to him, uniformly trying to be understanding and supportive, and the relative Tyler subjects varied, but simultaneously circled back to the hearing next month and the letters they’d been receiving. All of them but Tony had been writing to Tyler at the center, sending him reassurances and gentle questions about his mental health, about how he was processing things, about what the lawyers and therapists and caseworker and his parents had to say. Zach had known that, however much he tried not to think about it.

It just- it was just so much shit. Like, Zach got it; he really did, especially after his and Alex’s talk about it that first day of school. And he felt bad for the dude, but for fuck’s sake, they all had so much shit already on their plates from things and people more deserving of their care and attention. Tyler had almost shot up their school less than six months ago; he’d stalked Hannah; he’d taken those horrifying pictures of Alex in his coma and had the audacity to give them to him in that fucking grotesque little photo-book he’d caught Alex crying over. Shit, Zach still half suspected Tyler had taken those pictures of May. Obviously, the dude was troubled and couldn’t be underestimated.

It wasn’t like he was alone in his skepticism or his disinterest in becoming a champion for the cause of Tyler Down, but Zach disliked them being sequestered to different sides of the debate at all, and especially disliked that his company on that side amounted to Justin, Jessica, Cyrus, and Courtney. Basically a quintet of bickering and drama that he was already more than over.

He had few options, though. Alex was totally fixated on the Tyler stuff today and, as much as he really fucking liked Alex ( _really, really, really fucking liked Alex_ ), Zach couldn’t deal with the incessant talking and the bad crap that kept coming back up with it.

So he tried to change the subject. And he tried to change the subject. And he finally tried to kind of defend his position and, when Alex’s eyes went cold on him, he tried to change the subject again. Nothing was working the way Zach wanted it to.

They were all well past frustrated by the time lunch came around. Alex was too tense and too quiet, and all of Zach’s nerves were ricocheting around inside him like a thousand frantic steel butterflies.

“Look, we have to show up for him,” Clay was saying. “He needs it.”

They were all clumped together in the lunch-line sans Cyrus, who had ditched them after the sixth time someone had launched into a speech about what Tyler needed or didn’t need. Zach was really starting to think he’d had the right idea.

“I don’t care what he needs right now Clay,” Courtney snapped in a low voice, voice wavering on the end. “I was there for Hannah in court because she was good. She deserved it.”

“Tyler is good,” Alex muttered.

A few of them threw him frustrated looks but otherwise didn’t respond.

Zach’s head was starting to pound.

“Well, you should care what he needs,” Clay said in that moralizing voice Justin was always mocking. “And maybe he can be good, but not if he isn’t given the chance.”

“Sure. Then, maybe we can recruit Jamie and that other asshole to be friends.” Jess rolled her eyes. “He’s a creep. The end. He was a creep before he was... you know… and he’s still one.”

“I thought we believed in redemption these days,” Ryan remarked to Tony like he somehow thought the rest of them couldn’t hear him- or didn’t care whether they did or not.

Tony shot him a look of warning undermined by the fact that his lips kept twitching, obviously fighting a smile.

“We’ve all made mistakes,” Sheri added. “But we don’t know what he’s like with people backing him up, and that boy will get eaten alive by the court.”

“Oh please.” Jessica’s face was twisted and angry. “He’s a straight, straight-laced, white boy nerd, and he’s not poor. He’ll get enough pity from the judge, just like when he went in the first time.”

Sheri shrugged. Her eyes were momentarily haunted.

“Maybe. But I’ve looked it up. Guys getting hurt like he did... it’s not good. Especially with his history.”

“There’s only so much we can do.” Justin’s shoulders were stiff and hunched slightly. He kept rubbing his thumb and index finger together the way he did when he was itching to go get high.

Couldn’t they all see how dumb it was to keep beating this dead damn horse? They weren’t getting anywhere but backwards, and maybe that wasn’t such a huge deal for Clay or Ryan or Courtney or even Zach, himself, but when it came to Justin and Jess and Alex?

This was dangerous fucking territory, and here they were walking straight into it. All Zach wanted was to run away in any other of a thousand directions. All Zach wanted was to make them shut the hell up about the worst of what had brought them together. All Zach wanted was for everything to feel stable and secure and normal for even a little while longer. Was that really too much to ask?

Was it really only three days ago he’d been on top of the world, just him and Alex and the constellations casting them in stardust?

“Are you good?” he asked Alex, trying to be quiet.

Alex’s forehead wrinkled then smoothed out. He looked like he was only half there, the other half somewhere far away or maybe just so far inside his own head even Zach couldn’t find all of him. Zach’s heart had moved into his throat. He could feel its pounding in every cell he possessed.  

If fucking Tyler of all people made Alex regress…

“Are you?” Alex asked. He sounded like he was trying to be bitter or sarcastic or some shit, but was mostly just searching.

For what, Zach didn’t know, not really. He could only shake his head in answer, and Alex’s eyes went soft looking into his. Zach wanted to kiss him just as badly as he wanted air, longing coagulating in his lungs and brain like drops of water forming an onslaught, unrelenting.

Of course, between Alex and air, he could have only one for the moment. It wasn’t fair he couldn’t just be fully with Alex all the time and not have to concern himself with the potentially dangerous consequences, but none of this was fair, none of it ever had been, and it did them no good wasting time agonizing over that now. He could hash things out with Alex tonight, could kiss him and tell him how whatever poison was running rampant in his mind was bullshit. Just not right now.

He’d take what he could get.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later. Need some air.”

Zach thumped Justin on the back once, carefully avoiding doing more than give his boyfriend a half-hearted smile, and started to head away from the lunch line.

“Make sure your phone’s sound is on,” Clay called after him. “Alex and I will both be checking in with you!”

The buddy system stopped for nothing and nobody. Zach rolled his eyes but turned to bob his head in understanding and wave one more time. Within less than thirty seconds, not even Alex was looking at him and the group was clearly arguing again, the cafeteria workers and other kids around them looking on with evident annoyance. Zach hurried toward the doors leading outside, his relief growing with his inertia, and was just shy of freedom when a few of the guys from the team intercepted his path.

“Dempsey, what the fuck man? Where the hell have you been?”

Tyrone Hampton was flocked by Scott Reed and Hector Espinoza, all wearing familiar shit-eating grins.

“I saw you at practice this morning,” Zach told Tyrone pointedly, though he could already feel the pull to grin back at them. And, hell, it was just Tyrone, Scott, and Hector, all pretty harmless as far as the other Liberty jocks went; why was he even trying to fight it?

Right.

“Where’s de le Cruz?”

“Shit,” Hector snorted, eyebrows going up at Zach. “He’s out for the week. You didn’t hear?”

Scott smiled at him, the expression only a little strained.  

“He and Walker got in a fight.”

“Bryce?” Zach was so surprised he forgot to keep up the attitude.

“You still got beef with both of them, right? You wanna see the video I got?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

Fuck, he’d pay to see either of them get punched. A video of them fighting for free? Talk about Christmas come early.

Zach followed them back to their lunch table, barely noticing the other jocks joining them as Tyrone got the video pulled up on his phone. That was, until Jamie’s voice was in his ear.

“You should’ve been there man. Fight was fucking insane.”

“Yeah, Dempsey. Good to see you over here. Thought we lost you to the freak side.” Chris nudged him and traded high-fives with Jamie and Trevor.

It was a kick to the balls to hear their dickish riffing now, right when he’d let himself relax into something else familiar. Zach was about ready to ditch them and go back to his friends, even considering fucking kissing Alex in front of everyone- maybe that would get everyone in this forsaken school to shut the hell up for ten seconds- but then Tyrone was waving his phone in front of Zach’s face and he could hear Bryce talking.

The screen was a blur of colors and movement, nothing very distinguishable. Bryce’s voice was overlaid in the sounds of static and light wind. Zach automatically took the offered phone and held it up, eyes all but glued to the screen.

_“-the hell are you doing here Monty? Seriously?”_

“Is that Bryce?” Justin had come up behind them, sounding incredulous. Zach spared him a glance just to make sure he didn’t look too freaked before his attention went back to to the video. They hadn’t even gotten to the action yet, and Zach was already captivated.

_“You invited the guys!”_

_“That didn’t include you, Montgomery. What part of ‘I’m done with you’ do you not understand? Do I need a restraining order to get it through your damn brain?”_

_“Seriously, after everything I’ve done for you?” Monty’s voice wavered, then became lower, all but lethal. “You can’t just ditch me, Walker.”_

Bryce’s answering scoff was just a tiny sound, more like interference than anything else, but Zach heard it like he was right there. He thought he’d have recognized it even without seeing Bryce’s lips take on the familiar motion, disdain and annoyance in all the lines of his face.

The video had steadied out somewhere around the threat of a restraining order, Bryce’s whole face and most of Monty’s visible. They were framed in the picture by jostling shoulders, the Walker’s pool house looming between them, the water of either the hot tub or pool glinting in the glimpse of space behind Bryce’s leg.

_“Get the hell off my property.”_

_“Call the cops,” Monty taunted back. “You think I give a rat’s ass? Do you realize the things I could tell them?”_

_Monty came forward slightly, reaching for Bryce’s shoulder, and Bryce grabbed his wrist, face grim._

_“You don’t want to threaten me Monty.”_

_“No, I want us to be friends again. Why is that such a problem for you?”_

_“You want the whole list?” Bryce rolled his eyes and let go of Montgomery. There were stifled snickers in the background. “I’m done. We’re done. I see you here again, and I’ll have you arrested. How do you think your dad will like having to bail you out?”_

_Monty’s face tightened, and he laughed in Bryce’s face, the tone of it mirthless._

_Then, just like that, Monty launched himself at Bryce, fist going hard into the top of a cheek._

“Oh shit,” Justin said.

Zach barely heard him, but his head echoed the words anyways, over and over as the video continued. His adrenaline was spiking back up just watching this play out. How had he not heard about the fight before now?

_Bryce stumbled, then squared up._

_“Leave,” he reiterated, eyes dark._

_“Fuckin’ make me,” Monty said, shoving into Bryce’s shoulder. “What’s the problem, Walker?”_

_“You, Monty.”_

_Monty smiled at that, all his teeth showing. Like a shark or rabid dog._

_“I’m the most loyal you got and you think you can throw me away?”_

_Bryce’s hands moved quick as lightning, knocking Monty’s off of him and then pushing him in return, hard enough that he went crashing back into the wall of the pool house. Bryce went to turn and walk away, muttering something indiscernible, and Monty came rushing back at him, his whole face lit up as if he was only now fully awake._

_Monty drove Bryce back and down, both of them hitting the ground hard. Bryce’s hand went to brace against the pavement but bent oddly, the crack of it just barely audible before Monty’s fist thunked into his temple. Like a flip had switched, Bryce seized Monty’s wrist as his arm pulled back from the hit, squeezing and twisting around it then throwing Monty to the side. He was on top of Monty a second later, an elbow grinding into the base of his windpipe, his good fist slamming into Monty’s nose once, twice, three times. The blood was growing, both of them stained in it. On Bryce, it was like a petty inconvenience, barely noticed. Zach could already envision him rolling his eyes as he tossed the clothes in the trash or at the bin of laundry for his maid. On Monty, however, it was like the linchpin he’d been missing, like his hunger and power both grew sharper with the smell of iron hanging in the air._

_Monty grabbed Bryce’s head and yanked him down, their skulls clashing into each other. Monty’s rebounded slightly against the stone ground, but he didn’t even seem like he noticed, his hand already extending out and grabbing at Bryce’s eye. His nails left bloody scratches from just below the eye socket and Bryce moved back, hissing and shaking his head in a mocking reprimand as he stood over Monty._

_“You’re a fucking lunatic,” he said, and stomped a foot down on his rib-cage, then kicked it solidly in about the same place._

_Monty’s lips were a hard line, flecked with blood._

_He stood as well and promptly threw himself back into Bryce, knuckles catching him in the ear and glancing off the ridge of his cheekbone. His fingers curled into Bryce’s collar and Bryce’s hands both rose, even the one that was obviously broken somehow, thrusting into Monty’s face, pushing his head back. Monty twisted, throwing off the force just enough to keep on his own course, and shoved the weight of his body into Bryce’s. Bryce shouldered him back, and their legs were pressing and tangling and one or two of the spectators started shouting- as if either of them would be able to hear a damn thing they said. They hit the water in Bryce’s hot tub with a splash._

_“Shit,”someone said. Someone else was laughing. The guys resurfaced, blood starting to dilute the water._

The video cut off.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Mom** _I reached out to your baseball coach while I was at your school this morning. We had a great chat :) He said he was very impressed with your letter!! Thank you for listening to me on that one. It seems like it may already be paying off! The head coach said they’ve had three recruiters contact them about you. Now to just get those grades up!! What are you doing tonight?_

 **Zach** _thx. Ily too mom. Wednesdays I do PT w/Alex then hang out at his place for a while, remember?_

 **Mom** _You could skip it tonight, couldn’t you?_

 **Zach** _I’d rather not blow him off. PT is good for my college apps too._

 **Mom** _OK well that is very smart._

 **Mom** _Proud of u!!!_

 **Mom** _Tomorrow?_

 **Zach** _Tomorrow’s my study group. Could aim for something before or after_

 **Mom** _You sure you can’t skip the Standall boy tonight?_

Zach stared at the question, typing and erasing and retyping his answer over and over again.

He wanted to be around Alex.

But this was his family. His _mom_. If she asked more than once or twice, he usually obliged out of respect for what was important to her. He had to do right by his family.

Of course, Alex was his boyfriend, and they needed some real time together after all the Tyler stuff the last couple days. Alex had been kind of off since even before lunch, even before Zach ended up eating at his old table. And Alex was important to him. Not doing right by Alex wasn’t an option.

Zach was just about to send the text telling his mom that he was sorry but sure when a new text notification popped up from his boyfriend. Speak of the devil or something… Zach’s thumb automatically slid up to open it.

 **Alex** _Hey so I’m feeling like shit. Not gonna make PT 2night_

 **Zach** _Seriously? R u sure?_

 **Alex** _sorry._

 **Zach** _Hey no worries. My mom was asking about college stuff tonight anyway._

Zach cast a look around the locker room. Only two of his teammates had gotten in so far, and they were both pretty occupied with a conversation about cheerleaders. As a whole, they still had another ten minutes to loiter around the bus pick-up or in the courtyard or wherever they wanted before they were meant to start getting ready for the day’s practice.

 **Zach** _I’ll miss you._

 **Alex** _That’s dumb_

 **Alex** _But me too tbh_

 **Zach** _You’ll miss you?_

 **Alex** _Oh yea. I’m a terrible narcissist. You knew that right?_

 **Zach** _I did yeah._

 **Alex** _you’re about to start practice?_

 **Zach** _Just getting changed._

Zach grinned and finished taking his shirt off, then sneaked a quick picture of himself and sent it along to his boyfriend.

 **Alex** _Well my narcissism has officially been cured_

 **Alex** _definitely going to miss you._

 **Zach** _Still sure about PT?_

 **Alex** _Still sure babe. Ur tempting though_

 **Alex** _The most physical exertion I’m up for is maybe jacking off  now_

 **Zach** _Glad to be of service ;) x_

 **Alex** _Cocky of you to assume you’re the reason_

 **Zach** _Cocky_

 **Alex** _Have something you want to say Dempsey?_

 **Zach** _More like something I want to do_

 **Alex** _Hand tired but u should elaborate on tht l8r_

 **Zach** _shit yeah sorry_

 **Zach** _Wanna make sure you can still use that ;))_

 **Zach** _I’ll call you when I get out of here ok?_

 **Zach** _ <3 _

**Alex** _k_

 **Alex** _ <3 _

“What has you looking so happy, Dempsey?”

“Probably getting laid. How is Standall by the way?”

“At least that’d mean someone on this team is getting some,” Tyrone shot back at Chris and Jamie, then sidled up next to Zach.

He tried to make the switch to his Instagram feed inconspicuous.

“Brotha, we gonna kick ass on Friday or what?”

Zach smirked and started pulling on his shoulder padding. He could already see the crowd in his head, see his family and friends and boyfriend holding up their embarrassing signs. He could smell that potent cocktail of field and sweat and concessions. He could feel Alex’s lips on his as soon as they were alone later that night. The happiness and adrenaline and release of Fridays had him playing better than he ever had before.

And this game, he wouldn’t even have to deal with Monty.

“We’re gonna destroy them,” Zach said to all his gathering teammates. “But first, let’s kill this practice. Tigers!”

“Tigers,” the guys all hollered back, then promptly started thumping at each other and horsing around.

Coach stepped in with the word still hanging in the air, looking more awake and pleased than he had in weeks, and immediately started laying out plays. Without Monty in the room, Zach could barely even feel bothered by the other jackasses on the team. It was like- even with the bit of drama earlier, he kind of trusted his friendships would be fine; the majority of the guys were being chill; fucking Bryce had a broken wrist and Monty had a broken nose and whatever else; he was being fucking scouted and turning his grades around. Hell, it was kind of like everything was feeling right in his world again.

Damn close, anyway.

Zach rapped his knuckles three times on the wooden bench in the locker room on his way out to practice, his heart beating momentarily into his ears.

Wouldn’t it be great if he could keep this streak of good luck going a bit longer? Wouldn’t it be great if the foreboding he was starting to feel could dissipate from his gut? If it could mean nothing at all?

How was it that Zach could be so happy even as he kept waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop?

The air outside was mild but crisp with grass and sweat and slow fading sunlight. He took in a lungful, held it, and, slowly, let it out.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Zach’s hands were all over Alex. He could barely keep track of them anymore.

It was a Saturday, the sun still high overhead, the thrill of victory still heady in his veins from the day before.

Zach had driven them to the tiny parking lot closest to the  clearing they’d found toward the end of last spring and had his right arm wrapped around Alex’s waist the whole walk from his car. Like always, he had slung a backpack over his left shoulder with their usual supplies bundled inside (a big blanket; portable charger; bluetooth speaker; spare set of headphones, a couple books), and there were two condensation-smothered shakes held between his torso and the crook of his elbow. Alex had insisted on carrying _something_ , so had the top of the to-go bag from their favorite burger joint crushed between his fingers and the handle of his cane. Thankfully, the trek was only about ten minutes, and, as per usual, the ambling families and groups of friends had stuck to the main chunk of trail, foregoing the little drop off into a seemingly obsolete sidetrack.

Zach kind of loved that: the consistency of behavior, of how most of the time they could expect this place was just theirs, how they had this place and each other to begin with.

Their spot was a small oasis overlooking marshes and valleys, sparse trees dotting the waterline, a thicket of tumbleweeds and wildflowers grown over most of the walkway. The first time they’d been there, Alex had been tired from the trail, throwing out increasingly caustic suggestions of what they could be doing instead of taking “these fucking walks”, alongside warnings about how soon he was going to just sit down in the middle of the dirt trail and tell anyone who looked at him about how they could fuck themselves. Zach had just barely spotted the picnic table and spread of grass between the angle of the path’s winding and the obscuring nature, but it had been enough for him to act. He’d said, “you asked for this,” and picked Alex up, battling his way through to the clearing with Alex partially over his shoulder and whispering a litany of curse words and death threats in his ear that had sounded too grateful, too warm, to bother him.

Zach was pretty sure that had been sometime in May, just a week or two before school let out and a just a week or two after Jess and Alex’s breakup.

He’d still been up to his eyeballs in denial then, but that first day in the clearing was also the first time he’d let himself really imagine kissing Alex. He’d gone home that night feeling guilty and unsure, itching to talk to Alex or someone about it, and had made himself jack off to some girl-on-girl stuff purely so there was no other guy in the mix to get himself bent out of shape over. After, feeling only more frustrated and ashamed than he had before, he’d spent the better part of an hour reading sexuality labels and definitions and so-called discourse, all the while trying to remind himself of the abundant reasons he had to think these things of Alex while still being straight. Or heteroflexible, even, maybe, though he admittedly hadn’t found a firm answer on if that was really a thing. Either way, he’d gone over his list countless times that night, until he could almost believe it was all legit.

In retrospect, it was kind of hilarious. That was only a little more than four months ago, and here he was: mouthing over Alex’s jaw and neck, one hand up under his shirt, the other holding onto his ass while they pressed against each other. Alex’s good hand was on Zach’s ass as well, his weaker one tucked against bare hip just under the rim of denim, fingertips sprawled and quivering slightly against the dip of Zach’s pelvis.

They were hard against one another, everything hot and still milkshake-sweet, and Zach couldn’t even think straight, and it was so damn clear in retrospect the main reason was that he wasn’t.

It was natural being like this with Alex- all roaming and pressing and heat and instinct. Like they each knew the tempo before the notes had time to hit the air. Alex’s forehead found his, leaned into it. They were both sweaty, skin slick and sticky, but Zach couldn’t begin to care. Their lips were at most half an inch apart, breath heavy and mingling. Zach could feel the flutter of Alex’s eyelashes against his skin, and he relished it before it was gone. Alex’s head dipped and he kissed down Zach’s cheek, finding his mouth with his own already open.

The kiss was lazy, easy, but it still tasted like lust, all cherry and chocolate and slow, sweet melting.

A while later, they were curled up against each other on the blanket, a bag of fries and headphones all there was to the space between them. Zach’s fingers were idly drawing shapes on Alex’s side beneath his cardigan and T-shirt layers, memorizing the way the skin felt like he hadn’t already. He liked how different Alex’s body was to his, how the basic anatomical stuff was such a small part of the overall. It was the kind of thing that had never been remarkable until suddenly it was.

He knew how Alex moved, knew the acne that cropped up in light clusters on his chin and the very top of his forehead, how he got unexpectedly shy about the strangest things. He knew the lines left behind by the gunshot wound, knew how Alex looked when he couldn’t breathe, knew how Alex tapped out rhythms when he was anxious. He knew how Alex’s skin looked under water and moonlight, how deep his dimples went when he was laughing or smiling on pure instinct, knew how hard his fingers grasped on to skin when he was being kissed.

He hadn’t known the little network of moles tucked behind an earlobe until about a month ago. He’d only just found out how sensitive Alex was on the back of his neck. Zach kept finding new angles, new points of softness. And while he’d known how much he liked the contrast in their sizes for way longer than the last year, he was rediscovering all the time how good it felt to be able to wrap so much of himself around his boyfriend.

Like now, each of their bodies curved around the other where they touched, automatically adjusting to what seemed like it might make the other most comfortable. Alex’s good hand was splayed against the pulsepoint in Zach’s neck, fingertips soothing thoughtlessly over the shell of his ear, the skin behind the top of his jawline. Alex’s eyes were closed most of the time, but every now and then, Zach caught the blue on him, intent, shining, that ever present undercurrent of fear rippling out into him; and, then, there was just the darkness of his eyelashes and the breath they kept passing between them, deep, like neither of their lungs could get full enough. The swell of the music in the headphones.

He could feel the rise and fall of Alex’s chest this close. It was easily one of his top favorite things.

“Joy Division?” he asked Alex, not even trying to turn it into a joke like he normally might.

Their little clearing was feeling increasingly sacred.

Alex’s smile was soft and dimpled, utterly instinctive. Zach kissed him, took the “yeah” right off his tongue with a curl of his own. Alex pulled at him and Zach pulled back reflexively, somehow dragging them both closer. They kissed for a minute, just lazily pressing into one another, relishing the focus of it, the singularity of their mouths and breathing and heartbeats. Then Alex bit softly at his lip and pulled away just enough to stretch his neck up, resting his chin against the side of Zach’s head. Zach could feel his adam's’ apple against his cheek, the tautness to his throat. A moment later, they both moved to kiss again, deeper than before but still easy, languid.

Zach had rarely felt so relaxed with another person.

This time, Alex’s head tucked against his shoulder, and Zach drew him as close as he could.

In his ears, a new song had started. Zach looked at Alex instead of the Rorschach clouds, and Alex looked openly back at him.  

“Did you tell your parents when to expect you back?” Zach asked. He’d posed the same question in the car ride there but couldn’t remember the answer right now. Hell, he couldn’t remember much of anything from before today, from before they’d gotten to the park and he’d had Alex so completely in his arms.

Alex seemed like he understood.

“Said I’d be back by curfew if not before. We could game in my room for a while tonight.”

“What if you came over to my place?” the question was out before he could stop it. He couldn’t get the image of what Alex might look like on his bed to leave. He’d never had someone he was with in any sexual or romantic capacity in his room before.

“Your mom kind of hates me,” Alex murmured, but Zach could see the interest beneath the hesitation.

“She’ll have to get over it,” Zach shrugged. “I’ll tell her we’re studying or something. She and May are doing a mother-daughter night out thing, anyway, since I was planning to spend the day with you.”

The look on her face when he didn’t bring up anyone else coming along flashed briefly in his head. She’d probed, tried to suggest his other friends, especially from the team, had to want time with him, but Zach was lying about enough right now. It wouldn’t get them anywhere if she wasn’t at least aware of how much time he spent with Alex, even if she just thought it was as friends. He was hoping that might somehow prepare her for the day she’d inevitably be told the truth about his relationship, however much of a long shot that was. The way her face had subtly pinched at Zach’s firm reaffirmation of his plans, trapping her tongue from continuing and risking getting more information about him and Alex, had followed him all the way to the Standall’s house.

She very well might have an aneurysm the day he came out.

It wasn’t funny, but Zach kind of laughed anyway. It was like none of that could touch him here; there was only Alex and the stuff of the little clearing, just theirs, and the stuff of their time together, that could.

“What’s so funny?”

“I like this one. The song,” Zach told him. It was true enough. The sound was a little more mainstream than some of the other music Alex played, and the strains of it sounded less sad or angry. Actually kind of romantic.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” Alex grumbled, but Zach could feel him smiling.

“I like the other stuff too,” Zach said, only a little teasing. “Some of it anyway. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to add stuff to my music library so we aren’t always killing your phone.”

Alex pulled away from him enough to effectively stare.

“Won’t that get annoying to sort through my stuff? It’s okay to have just your music. Even if it’s crappy.”

Zach rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket, handing it to Alex.

“I have like ten songs I’ve saved, plus a playlist I sometimes listen to when I go running or work out alone. I didn’t even make the playlist, so I don’t care. Besides, your ridiculous emo songs kind of make me think of you.”

Alex laughed loudly, then held the phone back out at him.  

“You need to put in your passcode, dumbass.”

“What a sweet pet name. I have the best boyfriend,” Zach retorted jokingly, then rolled onto his back. “Passcode is twelve-ten.”

“Your birthday. That’s… no offense, but that’s hilarious.”

Alex’s eyes were fond on him. It was almost like he didn’t want to look away.

“Yeah, well, every time I do something complicated for a password, I forget it,” Zach confessed. “I got locked out of, like, six different email accounts, two phones, and an old iPod before I learned my lesson.”

Alex snickered some more. His face was alight beneath the sun.

“My dumbass,” he muttered, shaking his head and holding Zach’s phone up in front of him.

“Yours,” Zach agreed under his breath. For a moment, it was like the sun had come down just to live inside his chest, to radiate out between them.

Alex groaned loudly as if in terrible pain, and Zach was on the verge of launching into an interrogation about what was wrong, what was hurting him, when, he realized Alex had pulled his music library up and was reacting to it. He promptly burst out laughing. Alex shook his head at Zach, his expression one of dismay but flickering with humor all the same.

“There are six songs by mainstream hip-hop and rap artists, one by Journey, and two by Taylor Swift. I’m going to have nightmares about this.”

“Better that than Clay’s dad,” Zach mused and laughed harder at Alex’s deadpan stare.

“Those weren’t nightmares,” Alex shot back at him after a beat, then lapsed into laughter himself.

Zach pulled Alex into the arc of his arm on the thin blanket, looking back up at the sky once he was settled with his head tilted back against Zach’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe we smushed all the fries,” Alex complained. He didn’t sound too upset. “They’re stuck all over me. I wanted to eat those.”

“You still can,” Zach reassured him, snorting when Alex mumbled back, “Gag much? Gross.”  Zach reached without looking, plucking one off Alex’s hip and tossing it in his mouth.

“Mmmm. Salty.”

Alex moaned through more laughter.

“That’s horrible. I’m not eating any off of you.”

“That’s fine. We need to leave for dinner in like an hour anyways,” Zach reminded him.

“And then back to your house.”

“Exactly.”

“And your bed?”

Zach smirked, glancing at his boyfriend then back at the glare of light through the clouds.

“And my bed.”

He really fucking loved his Saturdays.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Alex** _im exhausted but thank u for today_

 **Zach** _dude, thank you. It was nice just getting time together, no drama_

 **Zach** _And the handjob didn’t hurt_

 **Alex** _don’t think they’re supposed to Zach_

 **Zach** _lol_

 **Zach** _;) ;)_

 **Alex** _i do agree tho. On both counts_

Zach looked up at the sound of his door opening. His mom looked in at him, her face the usual mix of fond and chastising.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Zach made himself yawn pointedly before he answered her.

“I’m working on it.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“You’re on your phone.”

“I was just telling Alex goodnight. And reading something.”

Karen Dempsey’s eyes narrowed. She came the rest of the way into his room and sat down on his bed.

“Is he doing alright?”

“He’s great,” Zach told her automatically. All his guards were going up, senses on high-alert.

The women in his family were perceptive to a fault. Usually it was countered with his mom by her absolute need for things to be okay, and to be quickly fixable when they weren’t. She buried things she didn’t want to deal with quickly and resolutely. It was just what she did, what she’d kind of always done even if it had gotten worse in the aftermath of his dad’s passing.

“Are you sure? He seemed tired, and, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting to see him here tonight.”

“He was tired,” Zach conceded. “We had kind of a long day. But, otherwise, you know, he’s good.”

She hmm-ed, looking thoughtful.

“You did have a long day. Do you want to tell me about it?”

_What?_

“I’m kind of tired,” Zach told her apologetically. Even he could hear the edge of wary confusion in his voice.

“Then maybe put away the phone, huh?” Teasing and stern now. Always dueling sides with her.

“I will,” Zach promised.

She stood, then hesitated, reached to run her fingers through a little of his hair.

“Do you… Is there anything...else?”

Zach’s heartbeat hammered in his head.

“Not really.”

She nodded once, then twice, and threw a smile at him that was at least half-forced.

“Okay. Goodnight. Make sure your alarm is set. You’ll never fall asleep staring at that phone of yours.”

She left his room without looking back.

“Goodnight,” Zach told his closed door quietly. Then, picked his phone back up.

 **Zach** _Are you still awake?_

 **Alex** _Ya_

 **Zach** _My mom might know_

 **Alex** _?????!_

 **Alex** _About us????_

 **Zach** _Yeah. Maybe? Idk_

 **Alex** _Are u ok?? Do u need to talk??_

 **Zach** _I’m okay. She didn’t call me on it, but she asked a few questions about you and idk I think if she doesn’t know already she’s almost figured it out_

 **Alex** _shit_

 **Alex** _You know you can tell her. I’d never ask you to keep anything from your family._

 **Zach** **_<_ ** _3_

 **Zach** _I know. Im worried she might tell other people tho. She probably won’t say anything if she doesn’t know for sure and it’s not like she even knows Im bi or whatever_

 **Alex** _Still. If u need to talk, call me as many times as it takes to wake me up ok_

 **Zach** _ok. Thank u <3 <3 Maybe next week or next month or something I’ll tell her lol. Get some sleep babe _

**Alex** _u too_

 **Alex** _dude_

 **Alex** _babe*_

 **Zach** _Stfu. I’ll talk to you tmrw. Goodnight_

 **Alex** _Night xo_

 **Alex** _p.s. Regularly scheduled drama resumes on Monday. We prob need to talk about the Tyler thing_

 **Zach** _:/ I know. In PT we will. I_

 **Zach** _it’ll be ok._

 **Zach** _Kind of think we can get through anything_

 **Alex** _sleep._

 **Alex** _but same <3 _

Zach thumbed down to check his alarm even though it was literally always set, then went back to Alex’s texts. He re-read their messages until he finally fell asleep, and even though he was anxious about the stuff with his mom and talking through things and, hell, Monty coming back on Monday, his sleep was good. Like their clearing, lately his dreams were reserved for just him and Alex.

Despite all the stuff that was still unsteady, he was happy. Zach really fucking liked Alex, and he could feel how much Alex really fucking liked him too.

He was good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *violence being seen secondhand, not directed at anyone we care about. I think.  
> This chapter's title and quote are from "Mutual" by Shawn Mendes. You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYC1z2fkqAs  
> FOR THE RECORD, with this chapter Vitality has hit 112 pages (not including pages written of future chapters). We're like a quarter of the way through my plan lmao. I am so beyond grateful for each and every read, kudos, follow (here or on my tumblr), bookmark, and comment. If I haven't replied to you yet, please know I've read and wanted to respond and am still working my way through the few times I get a chance to do so.  
> Just in case it's not already obvious, there's some conventional plot stuff cooking, but by and large this story is meant to be kind of languid and very much character driven. Drama will happen inevitably, but the plot arcs most central to Vitality are internal ones. I just want to make sure I'm not boring anyone too spectacularly. At any rate, I'm sending all of you good, warm vibes. Be safe. Be kind to yourselves. So much love from me to each of you <3


	6. A Song For the Birds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: Some description of anxiety/depression/suicidality; allusions to aftermath of Hannah's suicide; some possibly ableist/ignorant language.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 6:** A SONG FOR THE BIRDS

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_“Call out my name, I will find you._

_If you’re reeling, I will find you._

_Your burdens lifted; now they are mine._

_Oh, mine._

_Darling, stand up tall and know I’ll champion all_

_those things locked in your dungeon._

_Nothing you could say could ever make me flinch.”_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Alex was moving diligently on the water bike, maybe a foot and a half between them.

He was pushing himself, Zach could tell, and he suspected it was for the same reason he was, himself, so focused on the details, the numbers, the statistics, the sway of the water around them. Every time the beginnings of that serious conversation they’d agreed to have would start to edge their way up his throat, Zach’s eyes would trace over his boyfriend; instead of saying the words he knew he should, he found himself swallowing them back down, at their side a pulse of lust that left his stomach warm and his body wanting.  

The pool shimmered around them. Alex’s jaw was taut, as was the rest of his wiry frame. His lips were red, slightly pinched with the exertion, profoundly kissable under the mixing light and shadow.

It made Zach ache to stop and open them up with his tongue. He’d kissed Alex enough by now that he could so easily picture it. So easily, he could see, almost like it was happening already. He blinked the changing scene back, forcing himself to stay as he was, to drink this moment in.

Zach wondered if this place was empty enough that he could reward his boyfriend’s hard work a little more intimately than he normally did. There was a weird contrast of ease and tension thick between them, and all Zach wanted was to breach it; preferably, by blowing at the water that had collected on Alex’s shoulder and then kissing over the rise of goosebumps, tasting the chlorine on Alex’s skin. He wanted to lick up Alex’s neck, bite his ear, maybe rub him through those swim trunks.

He wondered exactly how much his hand could get away with doing underwater.

Almost as soon as the thought swam through him, he could see his hand on his boyfriend, feel the terrain of skin under his fingers, under his mouth. He could feel the bubble of stifled moans against the hollow of his throat, teeth on his ear. Then, as quickly as it had come, the too-real vision ebbed away, and he was standing where he’d been, stomach contracted around a ball of longing. He watched as Alex faltered, muscles locking up, and Zach automatically grabbed him before he could go under, holding him as he swore and re-found his hold on the bike, head tilted sideways against Zach’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Zach asked quietly, lips against Alex’s hair. The words seemed to reverberate.

Alex groaned and pulled away. Under the languid swirl of blue and white water, his hand trailed to rest, palm down, on Zach’s lower stomach.

“How much longer do we have?”

Zach licked his lower lip then sucked it in between his teeth. He could easily check the time, but instead let his hand break the surface of the water and find Alex’s hip, thumb rubbing slow circles from the jut of bone toward the plane of pelvis. Alex closed his eyes, inhaled deeply. Zach could feel the pull of it all the way into the skin beneath his fingertips. He could feel himself smiling in his chest. Alex’s eyes opened again, looking back over him with the warmth and vulnerability Zach was becoming increasingly familiar with, a beckoning in the blue like the lick of flame at the start of a campfire.

“So, we should get out of here.”

Alex tried and failed to look like he needed any convincing, but Zach went on anyway.

“There are plenty of other ways we can work on your grip and endurance.”

“And balance?” Alex asked skeptically. His teeth closed over part of his lower lip.

Zach could definitely picture how that might work. In fact, countless scenarios had flitted, maybe three-quarters-formed, just behind his eyes at the question, each materializing almost tangibly around him.

He forced himself to exhale through his nose, studying the refraction of light off the water between them, and grounded himself further in the feeling of the pool floor beneath his heels.

“I know we’re supposed to talk,” he offered, the first time either of them had referenced it directly since the hazy car ride to school that morning.

Alex’s eyes were following the slipping drops of water from around Zach’s pecks down toward his abs and the pool’s surface, the blue of them burning.

“Fuck it,” Alex told him, his voice far more casual than the rest of him.

“It can wait,” Zach agreed.

He was aching, muscles humming like his whole body was expectant.

“You should join me,” Alex said.

He was everything electric, looking Zach directly in the eyes.

“Join you,” Zach repeated.

“On the bike,” Alex told him. And Zach was there, pressing Alex into the handlebars, arms wrapped around him, nails in his side and Alex’s in his back and Alex’s tongue on his.

Everything was moving faster and slower and Alex was moving against him just off-beat; and still his Alex was all Zach could ask for even as it dawned on him that he was dreaming.

It could so easily be reality though.

Zach’s hand rose to fist through Alex’s hair, and he kissed the place on his head where his scars were almost flickering, there one second and gone the next. He pressed harder against his boyfriend, dragging their hips together and watching the water ripple from the grind of their mutual erections.

Momentarily, it all began to dissolve away, but Zach fought it. He wasn’t ready to leave this. He kissed over Alex’s jaw, sucked on his throat, said his name over and over again and let the syllables of it wash over them both.

The universe was Alex and skin and water and both their heartbeats in his ear, in his chest.

“I think I might be falling in love with you. With this,” he told Dream Alex, holding him as tightly as he could, since there was nothing here to lose but this odd echo world that didn’t actually exist.

He thought he could hear Alex saying something like “ditto” between little gasping breaths, between teeth he couldn’t quite feel nipping at his neck.

In his ear, Alex’s voice mumbled his name and then morphed.

“Welcome to your tape, Zach,” Hannah said. Breath hot on his neck, curls of her dark hair suddenly beneath his palm. “Is that me shaking,” she whispered, and as the words touched his throbbing ear, he could feel her smile, feel the water rushing away, “or you?”

This time, when the dreamscape started to dissipate, Zach didn’t fight it.

Somehow, he realized as he shut off his alarm and forced himself shaking to his feet, forced himself over to stare at the calendar on his wall, somehow he’d not registered what else came with this Monday.

In just over a week, it would be a year since they’d lost her. October ninth. Eight days.

Everything hurt. He forced himself past it, going for his phone and barely even stopping to register what time it was before he clicked into his text messages and opened the ones with Alex.

 **Zach** _It’s October._

The minutes went like hours. Not even five minutes, but it felt like so much longer. He’d almost decided to try calling, anxiously flipping his phone around on his bed, when a notification of reply from his boyfriend came through.

 **Alex** _good morning to you too._

 **Alex** _it is. It’s also 5:30 am nd my alarm is for 6:30._

 **Zach** _Shit sorry._

 **Alex** _It’s fine I’m up but what am I missing?_

 **Alex** _It’s a little early to go Halloween shopping._

 **Zach** _Hannah_

 **Alex** _I’m calling you in 1 min_

Less than a minute later and Zach was staring into real Alex’s shadowed eyes.

He thought their blue was slightly different than Hannah’s but he couldn’t be sure if he was right or not. Maybe he was just forgetting how hers looked outside of pictures.

“I was waiting the whole last week for it to hit you,” Alex admitted. It was half the worry of a boyfriend, half the commiseration of a friend who was grieving too, and Zach was equally grateful to both sides.

“Everything’s been so crazy and stressful, but I don’t know why it didn't sooner,” Zach admitted. He kept his voice low, mindful of the fact that his mom and sister were probably still sleeping.

Even if they weren’t, the last thing Zach wanted was to have to worry about being fine for his mom right now. Hell, even for May, because no matter how cool she was, being her big brother came with its responsibilities, if only in his mind. The one to shield her from the force of his emotions was perhaps the most akin to a double edged sword.  

“With my dad, I was counting down pretty much the whole year,” Zach admitted, and he couldn’t be sure if the confession was more to himself or to Alex. “Every month was one closer to the day or one week or- I know it was my dad, but Hannah…”

“It’s different,” Alex said simply after a beat. His features were still mostly cloaked by the darkness.

“But you’ve been thinking about it?”

Alex was silent. Zach thought he could see his fingers twitching against his scalp in the dimness.

“Do you want to go out with me? Like on a run or… or a walk or something?”

“Whatever you think will help,” Alex answered finally. “I can go or if you want to ask Justin, I can catch a ride or whatever.”

He entertained the alternative option for all of five seconds.

“No, I- I want to see you. I’ll write a note for my mom and come pick you up. Will your parents be cool?”

“Well,” Alex groaned a little under his breath and Zach could see him forcing himself to fully sit up, “Mom’s still at work I think? And my dad’s always up freakishly early unless it’s a holiday, so I’m sure I can just tell him.” Alex made a sort of dull snorting sound and added with a tone far too ironic for this early in the morning, “I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see me up and going out to exercise like a normal guy my age. Or something.”

Zach frowned and tried to catch Alex’s eye, maybe get a better read on him, but he’d leaned away from the phone screen almost as quickly as his sentence had finished. Zach thought he could hear the rustle of bedding as Alex probably prepared to stand.

“So I’ll see you in… thirty minutes work?”

“Yeah, however long is fine,” Alex answered, his voice tinny with the newfound distance. His room abruptly filled up with light.

“Okay.” Zach opened his mouth and closed it back up again wordlessly. So much of his dream had left already, turned itself into a fractured haze of horniness and romance and all-encompassing horror at the end, but there were words pulling at him somewhere inside.

He couldn’t pin them down.

“You’re the best,” he told Alex. He kept the line open just long enough to hear Alex’s answering huff, the sound simultaneously pleased and disbelieving.

Zach rubbed over his eyes, looking again at the calendar, then grabbed the clothes he’d set out for the day, stuffing them into his bag and instead grabbing sweats and a tee, taking them into the bathroom to throw on while he went about the rest of his morning routine. When he was done, he went to the desk, making sure he had all his homework in order for the day, and then checking his email. He had five email chains going with anywhere from sporadic to frequent communication with a contact from each of USC, Calstate, UCSC, University of Miami, and Caltech, but only one had apparently replied between last night and Zach’s early wake-up.

He opened it as if from far away.

Zach read the email, the silence of his room pressing in on him. He read it again, scanning more closely over the three paragraph body, then a third time, just to be sure the words were still the same. Finally, he minimized the window, drew a deep breath, and left to go pick up his boyfriend.  

Ten minutes later, Mr. Standall opened the door with Alex standing just behind him looking vaguely mortified.

“Zach! Alex tells me you boys are going for a walk, and that’s why he’s up early but won’t eat breakfast. Is that right?”

Zach shot a look at his boyfriend then smiled brightly at Mr. Standall. He hadn’t even thought of breakfast.

“Yeah, I was going to have us stop somewhere for food,” he lied.

Mr. Standall crossed his arms over his chest.

“Is that right? And you’ll still make it to school?”

“Of course,” Zach reassured him hastily, darting another look at Alex.

So much for throwing together a perfect plan on the fly.

“Great. Well, I haven’t had a proper breakfast yet, myself, and I could definitely use the exercise,” he chortled a little, then looked more seriously between Zach and Alex. “You boys don’t mind if I tag along, do you?”

“Dad, seriously?”

“What?” Mr. Standall asked. “It’s not every day my boy is up and at’em so early. Not much for mornings, Alex,” the last part was directed at Zach, a kind of conspiratorial tilt to his mouth and twinkle to his eye.

Zach didn’t think he’d ever seen Mr. Standall look so pleased. The first time they’d met face to face hadn’t exactly left a lot of room for hi-jinks and razzing about normal stuff.

“Uh. The more, I guess the merrier?”

“That is a great attitude. You hear that Alex?”

“Yes sir,” Alex grumbled, sending a surly look Zach’s direction.

“Great,” Mr. Standall said, winking at Zach and reaching over without looking to tousle his son’s hair. Zach swallowed hard, shoving his hands into his pockets.

He remembered his dad looking him in the eyes, reaching out to smooth down his rumpled hair then dropping a hand to squeeze his shoulder, grounding them both in the moment with an easy, sure touch. Mr. Dempsey’s version of comforting had been all brief, deep sentimentality mingled with sly jokes and small but solid gestures of physical contact.

Mr. Standall sometimes reminded Zach so much of his dad with how much he cared- but the humor was more obvious, the authority he carried not of the same quiet brand as Zach’s dad’s had been, and he was clumsy with his words, especially when it came to Alex, in a way Mr. Dempsey had virtually never been. There was an element of recklessness to how all the Standall men spoke, especially when their feelings were involved, that was totally counter-intuitive to Zach and what he’d seen from both his parents, his dad in particular.

Nonetheless, there were still the moments like this one where a gesture of silent, sincere affection would take him back, momentarily closing up his throat.

All his wounds felt raw today, right on the surface. That probably wasn’t helping.

“You boys want to hop in the cruiser?”

“Actually, dad, maybe we could drive separately? And meet up?”

The sheriff put his hands up in mock surrender.

“Alright, buddy, I can work with that. Where we headed first?”

Zach told him what park to head to, fighting back the urge to bail and just go on a solo run. His body was thrumming with the need to move, but even having Alex in eyesight was helping to at least keep his breathing in check and prevent his brain from going totally off the deep end of last year’s shithole.

He helped Alex into the passenger side of his car while Mr. Standall went to snag his keys and lock up the house, letting his hand linger on his boyfriend a beat or three longer than he might have normally.

Life was too short not to savor every touch he could.

“Sorry about that,” Alex said almost as soon as Zach’s ass had hit the driver’s seat. “If I’d thought he might invite himself along I would have just snuck out.”

Zach smiled automatically at the thought, shaking his head a little.

“Always the rebel without a cause, right?”

“That is me,” Alex muttered back, the words laced in irony, then looked away from Zach and out the window. “You’d be my cause though, technically.”

Zach stared at him for a moment, imagining his heartbeat as loud as the radio.

By the time he’d switched the car into reverse, Mr. Standall was almost to the door of his cruiser. Zach could feel the sheriff's watchful gaze prickling up the hair on the back of his neck, but he could barely bring himself to care, tangling his fingers with Alex’s as soon as the Standall home was in his rearview.

It was October. This time last year, the world had turned itself upside down on him again and again. His dad, Jeff, Hannah, Alex. Something about the changing leaves and changing winds and how nothing in this world was solid.

Alex’s hand shifted in his, fingers flexing. He turned on the bluetooth, connected it to his music, and reclined his head back against the passenger seat. The feeling of his eyes taking over for the feeling of the sheriff's.

“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked quietly. “Hannah?”

“You, actually. And Hannah, too, I guess. Mostly you.”

“Sap,” Alex muttered, and Zach laughed, held onto his hand tighter.

By the time they’d gotten out at the park, it was a quarter after six in the morning, the air just slightly chilled, the path ahead virtually empty.

“You guys think twenty, thirty minutes will do the trick?”

Zach stretched an arm across his chest, cocking his head to the side to crack his neck, and consciously restrained himself from the urge to put a hand on Alex, brace him by the back or shoulder, entwine their fingers.

He could do thirty minutes. Just long enough to clear his head some, to feel his pulse pick up for reasons entirely within his control. Just long enough to measure out breaths of natural air.  The thought of dirt and stone and music and sweat and the even pound of his feet on ground sent a thrill of adrenaline down his spine and into his muscles.

“Thirty sounds good.”

“Don’t worry about keeping pace with me,” Alex added, and Zach noticed his hand twitching like he was trying to control himself from reaching out just as much as Zach was.

For some reason, that thought instantly made him feel warmer, a little closer to content.

What he wouldn’t give to blow off school and just spend the whole rest of this day out here, warming each other up.

Unbidden, the foggy image of Alex in the pool with him, reaching for the waistband of his swim trunks, whispering in his ear, ebbed back into his head, and the next thing Zach knew he was running. Running. Running.

He left the rest of the dream scattered to the wind.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 _Monet’s is pretty crowded for seven in the morning_ , Zach thought.

He’d gone off to switch into clothes that were a little less sweaty, and then grab them all a table while Alex and his dad ordered food and coffee for the three of them. He kept taking out his wallet and turning it over between his fingers before sliding it back in his pocket. Taking a breath, scanning over the front counter, and pulling it back out again. Rinse repeat.

He’d tried to leave it with Alex’s dad when they first came in, prompting a smile from the man and a nod that somehow told Zach all at once that the gesture was understood, respected, and absolutely futile.

“I have more than enough,” Zach had tried anyway, and Mr. Standall had laughed once, deeply.

“Put it away, son. You’ve done more than enough for my boy- and put up with more than enough- for me to buy you some breakfast. Just tell me what you want.”

Alex’s stronger hand had been curled into fist around the edge of the counter, his head tilted down. Zach couldn’t fully read him, standing there in shadow and profile, not well enough to be satisfied that everything was alright, but he’d forced himself to let it go, give his order, and go about his business anyway.

At least Alex’s dad was trying.

At least he was there.

“Hey, put that thing away. My dad catches you with it out, who knows what he’ll say next.”

Alex was smiling at him in that subtle way he had, like he was holding back, like there was some great joke only the two of them were in on.

He slipped into the chair next to Zach, nudging into him with a shoulder, and pulled his drink in closer to his torso, blowing at it idly.

“What is that?”

“Uh,” Alex looked down at his drink then shrugged on one side, his good hand wrapping around it. “The barista mixed a couple of the mocha flavors for me. They’re kind of using me to experiment now that I’ve done the whole menu.”

“They’re spoiling you. What is that, the whipped cream recreation of Mount Kilimanjaro?”

Alex laughed aloud, his smile turning more obvious and a little crooked.

“Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Dempsey.”

“What exactly do you think I’m jealous of? Oh, awesome, thanks Mr. Standall.”

Zach took the offered food and iced coffee, hand almost straying back toward his wallet before he thought better of it, then looked pointedly back at his boyfriend.

“The whipped cream,” Alex said easily.

“You know, we could have gotten whipped cream on yours if you wanted it. I’m sure we still can.”

Zach fought the urge to roll his eyes. Not everyone had Alex’s obsession with all things unhealthy.

“No, I don’t really like it usually. I don’t know why Alex thinks,” he interrupted himself with a hard swallow, watching Alex nonchalantly dip his finger in the whipped cream and suck it off.

_Oh._

“Alex, watch your manners kid. You’re lucky you’re having that much. If your mother finds out…”

“I won’t say anything if you don’t,” Alex retorted, wiping his mouth and eyeing his dad suspiciously.

Zach realized he was still staring and dropped his gaze, clearing his throat and spearing a clump of egg white with his fork.

“So, Zach, thank you for getting us out of the house this morning. What you did to convince my kid to leave the house, let alone get fresh air and some exercise in,” he traded words for a short chortle and then a long drink of his own coffee.

Zach paused, looking the man over, then turned his eyes back to his plate, picking up his knife to carefully slice up a strawberry. He needed something to do with his hands.

“Yeah,” he found himself saying after a moment. “I really wanted the company I guess. It was pretty awesome of him to agree to come out with me. Like, to the park and everything. Alex is,” Zach stopped, unsure what he could say that would be enough to stand up for how great Alex could be, how much he might surprise people if they stopped trying to box him in to what they thought he was like or expected from him- but that would also not be too much, not risk giving them away or, worse, losing the favor he’d somehow managed to curry with his boyfriend’s dad.

Instead, Zach settled for switching gears entirely, eyes landing on the perfect potential distraction.

“Hey, is that Courtney?”

Hearing her name, Courtney perked up, eyes finding them, and waved, then said a few quick words to her dads and made her way over to their table.

“Hi guys! Mr. Standall, it’s good to see you under better circumstances,” her smile was frighteningly genuine, her eyes keen and interested, and Zach was suddenly not sure calling her over had been the best idea for a distraction.

After all, Courtney was smart and perceptive and very, very bad at keeping secrets that weren’t her own.

“Good to see you too, Courtney. Does your family eat here for breakfast often?”

“Oh, all the time,” she smiled. “I haven’t seen you guys here in the mornings before. Start of a new tradition?”

“We just got an early start today,” Alex said. Zach didn’t have to look at him to know the smile in his voice was forced.

“Well, you should think about it. There’s a lot of research that shows a good breakfast is one of the keys to starting your day off on the right foot. And eating together with other people benefits bonding. Not to mention,” she paused before continuing, clearly trying to highlight what she thought would be the most pertinent and persuasive of her points, “it can help offset or decrease symptoms of depression.”

“Really, Courtney?”

“You know, Alex’s mom had read that, too, about eating breakfast.”

Alex grumbled something under his breath that sounded an awful lot like “for fuck’s sake” and took a deep drink of his coffee, his hand quivering a little on the table’s edge.

Zach couldn’t help but be torn between echoing the sentiment and chiming in about how good an idea it was.

Mr. Standall waved at Courtney’s dads, then stood and excused himself to go make small talk with them. Courtney sat on the edge of the newly vacated chair and smiled at them, her enthusiasm coming across just a touch too strong to be completely real.

Zach guessed the underlying tension from last week was still at work, even away from the confines of Liberty. Or maybe it was the weight of the month he was still feeling.

To think, he used to actually like October.  

“Tamika should be here soon,” she told them when the silence had gone a bit long.

Zach was pretty sure he’d been trying to come up with something to say, himself, before Alex’s foot bumped into his and he started stirring more sugar into his coffee. He was somewhere between wondering if addict jokes were inappropriate now, even about sugar, since one of his best friends was one, and waiting to see if Alex was going to start suggestively licking the spoon next.

He was pushing all kind of buttons and lines this morning, and all Zach wanted was to keep watching him, to see what he did next. Maybe…

Before the fantasy could go much longer, Alex threw a straw wrapper at him along with a strange look.

“Tamika’s pretty cool,” Zach offered.

Courtney rolled her eyes at him, but it was more playful than passive-aggressive.

“How are things with you guys?” Alex asked, genuine interest in his voice.

When Zach glanced at him, he could see the same thing in his eyes.

Courtney seemed to get the same impression, and Zach noticed her posture relax slightly.

“They’re really great, actually. Our families get along, which was huge. It’ll be six months soon! And luckily, our six month anniversary is on a Saturday so we’re doing a day trip for shopping and then dinner at this amazing looking restaurant.” Courtney’s face softened a little, voice sobering slightly as she said, “What about you Alex? How are you doing after everything with Jessica? I wasn’t sure if the two of you were going to try again since she and Justin aren’t happening…”

“Uh,” Alex looked a little taken aback, and Zach couldn’t stop himself from staring.

“I’m sorry. I know if it was me, I wouldn’t be able to do it, but you guys are still so connected.”

“Connected,” Zach repeated. “Like friends, maybe.”

Courtney ignored him.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Courtney said.

Alex shook his head and pulled his cup of coffee in even closer to his chest.

“No, we’re better off as friends. Probably always have been. I think we’ve both moved on.”

Zach forced his eyes back to Courtney just in time to see a gleam in hers get brighter. And, also, to spot Courtney’s girlfriend about to come through _Monet’s_ front door.

“Oh,” Courtney said. “Who with? Do I know them?”

Alex took a huge gulp of coffee into his mouth rather than respond, and Zach took advantage of the moment to take over on covering.

“Hey, Tamika’s here.”

Courtney grinned, instantly sidetracked, and bid them quick goodbyes before rushing to her girlfriend, pulling her into a hug and kiss.

Zach watched them. He could feel Alex, so close but still not close enough, doing the same.

He’d felt a lot of things toward Courtney before, especially over the last year, but never once had Zach been jealous of her.

Apparently, there really was a first time for everything.

Alex’s dad came back to them, sitting heavily in his chair, and looked between Zach and Alex.

“What’s with the faces? Don’t tell me this is still about the whipped cream.”

Alex snorted, and as soon as Zach remembered what Mr. Standall was referencing he did the same.

“Totally,” he told Mr. Standall. “He’s insisting it’s got its own category on the food pyramid.”

“It’s the top line,” Alex agreed. “Right above sour candy and hemp milk.”

They’d made up their own versions of the food pyramid during the summer, mostly because they’d had to have a genuine review of nutrition that day, and it had put Alex in a crappy mood, as well as a little because Zach for whatever reason had wanted to know what Alex liked and wanted him to know the same about Zach in return. They’d started with the traditional pyramid, naming where favorite foods went, then started adding categories for things that deserved their own slot. By the end, Alex’s was a ridiculous number of lines, Zach’s about half the size, and they were ripping on one another’s choices mercilessly, Alex’s bedroom filled up with the sound of their laughter between digs.

It had been months but Zach could still remember Alex writing hemp milk next to sour skittles and making jokes about how the tastes kind of aligned in all the worst ways.

Their first kiss had been maybe two months after that. Maybe a little less. He’d stayed up late that night texting Alex jokes to wake up to. He’d thought then that it was because of how he’d always considered Alex the funny one between them, and it was nice for Zach to be the one getting laughs.

His crush on Alex only got more obvious thinking back. Zach sometimes felt dumb as hell about it, but he figured he was better late than never when it came to most things, and especially when it came to Alex.

“Good one,” Mr. Standall said, lips pressed hard on one side of his mouth and turned up, a little softer, on the other. “So, Zach, do you have any news on the college front? I’m sure you’ve been in contact with scouts for a while with your talent.”

Zach remembered suddenly the email he’d gotten this morning and how he’d wanted to talk to Alex about it.

“Yeah, I’ve been in touch with some schools since freshman year actually, and I’ve got my selections narrowed down to five places I’m in touch with that have at least a decent program for my degree.”

“You know what your degree is going to be in?” Mr. Standall looked kind of pleasantly surprised. “Peter didn’t have his pinned down until he’d already been away almost two years,” he added. “And Alex…” he chuckled, then sobered, swallowing.

He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t really have to.

“So,” Mr. Standall brushed a napkin over his mouth and smiled again, the expression somehow only seeming a little forced. “What are you looking at majoring in?”

“Marine biology,” Alex and Zach answered simultaneously.

Zach grinned at his boyfriend, and Alex met his eyes, the skin at the top of each of his cheeks flushed light red.

“Actually,” Zach looked at Mr. Standall briefly then let his eyes focus primarily on Alex as he delivered his news, “I got an email this morning from one of the recruiters I’ve been talking to telling me off the record an official offer letter is in the works. It’ll probably take a while to be approved and sent, but...”

Alex’s brow furrowed a little, his lips parting like he was going to guess the school but the words had left him at the last minute.

“It’s not my top pick or my mom’s,” Zach told him easily, knowing that would possibly help him but just as possibly lead nowhere. “But one offer might help me get another, especially if I can make it really clear how interested I am. So, I was thinking a road trip would be cool. Maybe you could check out a couple places with me. I haven’t done an official visit to USC yet.”

“That’s the one you want,” Alex said automatically. He was staring, and Zach could practically see his thoughts spinning. “Google maps said it was almost seven hours away.”

“That’s a long trip,” Mr. Standall added carefully.

Zach knew that. He’d been thinking about this, about wanting to take Alex with him as well as maybe a few of their other friends, since last year. The fact that it wasn’t a short distance was half the point. He couldn’t help but think the space from this town would do them all some good.

“It wouldn’t be until maybe December,” he said, speaking fully to Mr. Standall for the first time since they’d broached the subject of school. “Plenty of time to plan.”

Mr. Standall seemed to consider him for a moment, then his son for much longer.

“Okay,” he relented finally, looking away from Alex and down at his food. “Let me think about it, talk it over with Alex’s mom. You would need to make sure you boys aren’t missing school. Alex already misses enough with appointments, and then you kids skipping on the ninth this month. You don’t want to get too far behind.” He drew a hard breath and nodded, stern expression lightening up again. “But I’ll talk to Carolyn about it and see what we can do.”

Zach only just managed to get himself to nod and thank Mr. Standall, eyes on Alex again.

As suspected, while Zach may have avoided thinking about the impending anniversary of Hannah’s death, to the point of totally forgetting it was so soon, Alex had not only remembered it, but had been considering the date enough that he’d already arranged to miss classes. Apparently with Zach in tow, and, hell, who knew how many more of them.

Alex met his gaze evenly for a second, then looked away, tapping unsteadily on his leg while he drained the rest of his mug.

The sensation that there were all these things he was missing prickled at the back of his neck and down his spine. It was like rippling water, like cobwebbing light and darkness, like a dream world he kept thinking he had figured out before the rules all got switched up on him, the pool floor pulled from beneath his feet. Before the faces and voices and touches changed.

How much was there under the surface of things between them? How much was he still not seeing?

On their way to Zach’s car, Alex leaned into him.

“You’re overthinking things,” he said quietly, looking into Zach’s eyes, both their hands on the handle for the passenger door. “Not something I ever thought I’d have to say to you of all people, Dempsey.”

Alex’s pinky extended to brush against the side of Zach’s palm.

“I just want you to talk to me,” Zach said, maybe a little desperately.

Alex drew himself up a little against the side of the car, like he was puffing up for a fight or something, then deflated just as quickly.

Zach wasn’t sure why, and it bothered him almost as much as the rest.

“We’ve got a long day ahead of us,” Alex said instead of any real reply. “Do you want to head?”

Zach sighed and nodded, helping Alex into the car and going around to the other side.

He barely noticed the music on the drive to school, but just before they pulled into the parking lot felt Alex’s hand slide into his, squeezing. He took a slow, measured breath in and let it back out, reclaiming all his senses as he parked and focusing everything he had on the inside of his car, the music and the warm stream of air coming through the vents and the boy next to him, holding his hand. The strains of song in his ear were familiar, somewhere between contemplative and upbeat. Alex’s eyes on him were a little afraid, a little wary, but completely unwavering, and Zach looked back at him just as intently. He could see Alex working up to talk, and they had a little time, so he could wait.

Only thirty more seconds and the music swelled then sank into end chords and Alex’s voice took over.

“I tell you more than anyone else I know, other than maybe my therapist, Zach. You’re one of the most important people in my life. But we had different relationships with Hannah, and we had different experiences when she died. For me- I’ve been extra aware of this month because I had to be.”

Alex swallowed and Zach held his hand tighter.

“They’re making me talk about it nonstop, pretty much, because there’s all these anniversaries that are triggering or whatever. And I hate that word but- Anyway, they aren’t exactly wrong. But I think it’s probably better for you if you’re thinking about this stuff at your pace, not mine.”

“If you’re thinking about it, then I want to be too,” Zach said after a moment. He was both touched and very concerned. “No censors, remember? If you can tell me about how much you’re jacking off, you can tell me when something like this is making things harder on you. Or when you’re planning on us skipping a full day of classes.”

Alex grinned at the last part, a little bit wicked.

“I only planned on us skipping, not what we’d do. So, whatever you want to do, like to honor Hannah- or to distract ourselves from her for a while…”

Zach could feel his eyes widen as he considered it, leaning toward Alex, and then the door opened behind Alex, and Ryan Shaver stared in at him, at them both, looking completely unimpressed.

“Get out, losers. As obvious as you two have been, this is maybe a little much. I know the kids here are dense, but even they’ll catch on if you start making out in the parking lot.”

Alex swore under his breath but pulled away from Zach and let Ryan give him a hand out of the car. Zach swore more loudly, seizing both his and his boyfriend’s backpacks and yanking his keys from the ignition. He only just managed to stop himself from slamming the door on his precious car.

“What the fuck, Ryan?”

“Uh, you should be thanking me. I just saved your secret… whatever this is.”

“Relationship,” Zach said through gritted teeth.

“Relationship, then. Where’s the gratitude?”

Zach was about to tell him exactly where he could find the fucking gratitude when Alex bumped his cane into Zach’s leg and gave him a pointed look, then turned back to Ryan.

“Thanks Ryan. Now please back the fuck off.”

“No thanks,” Ryan chirped back, expression smug. “You know, I’ve been all but one-hundred-percent you two were sneaking around for a month now, but confirmation is so, so sweet. Anyway, you now have the honor of walking me to class. Here, Zach.”

Ryan held out his bag toward Zach, and Zach wanted nothing more than to take his expectant arm and cram it down his throat instead.

“You can carry your own bag.”

“So can Alex.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, can you please,” Alex snatched Ryan’s bag from him, and Zach felt his jaw drop a little.

“What are you doing?” he hissed. “Alex, he can carry his own shit. People will think you two are-” he cut himself off at the aggravated look Alex was sending his way, scratching hard at the back of his neck as he floundered, trying to find better words, any words, to convey what he was feeling without sounding like a total jackass.

Ryan snorted, crossing his arms.

“Oh sweetie, like we would ever. I like muscles on my men, thanks.”

“Go to hell,” Alex snapped at Ryan, then blew out a hard breath. “I am this close to ditching both of you.”

Ryan turned serious on a dime, if only for the moment.

“You know you can’t. Monty’s back, and he is,” Ryan paused, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. “That mongrel pile of shit is more rabid than ever, ok? Trust.”

This had to be the most Monday Monday to ever... ugh.

Zach held out a hand to take Ryan’s bag from Alex, whose face screwed up with irritation even as he complied with the unspoken request.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure no-one else has figured you out,” Ryan offered, almost kindly, as they made their way to the main entrance. “It’s really a minor miracle, considering how often you check each other out. Especially Zach, my God.You would think you’ve never seen an ass before.”

Alex made a little choking sound, spluttering laughter.

“You’re barely better,” Ryan advised him. “I mean, really, I thought you mooned over Jessica and Clay. The art of subtlety is totally lost on the two of you.”

Alex laughed harder, while Zach stopped in his tracks to gawp at them.

“Clay? I thought that was a joke!”

“Clay’s dad was the joke,” Alex corrected him, pressing his lips together, eyes gleaming.

“Oh, Clay’s dad is no joke.”

Ryan sighed kind of dreamily.

“I don’t understand anything anymore,” Zach groaned under his breath.

“Anymore,” Ryan echoed, clicking his tongue and shaking his head a little, condescension once again coming from every pore. He reached over to pat Zach’s back, barely faltering when Zach responded by shrugged him off and veering slightly further from reach.

They just barely made it to class before the bell, and as soon as the teacher had gotten through roll call, Zach let his head drop onto his desk.

It was only the first day of October, and he was already exhausted of it. Or maybe just plain exhausted.

The dream sprang up again behind his eyelids, Alex twisting into Hannah. Blue and blue and blue and blue. Zach dragged his eyes open, scraping a hand through his hair.

On second thought, he was wide awake.

A paper, folded twice over, landed on the desk in front of him, “Open Me” scribbled on the front. Inside was a crude, quivery rendering of hands with a ‘J’ between them, and then beneath that something that looked somewhere between a colony of broccoli and a whole bunch of misshapen penises, which he figured out after a minute of squinting examination was supposed to be a clump of trees. Like their spot off the trail, maybe? Beneath that, “Raincheck on PT for something better? Check one,” and then three little tilted boxes with yes, no, and maybe next to each respectively.

Zach was shaking with silent laughter despite himself. He glanced behind him to see Alex studiously flipping through the textbook, though the only movement of his eyes was a quick darting to catch Zach looking at him, and then back down to the text, lips quirked a little further up than they had been before.

Zach checked yes without much consideration, relief flooding him at the thought of not doing their PT tonight.

Something about doing it the same day he’d had that dream, on top of everything else today, had been wrecking on his nerves, despite having not let himself think much about it yet.

He folded the paper back up and held it out to Alex behind him, hyper-aware of their fingers brushing as Alex took the note.

Maybe it wasn’t all that surprising Ryan had figured them out; right now, Zach didn’t care. He couldn’t.

He spent the rest of class doodling versions of the clearing while struggling through their assigned reading.

Maybe, with the right people by his side, maybe this month wasn’t a total lost cause.

There were blue eyes in the back of his brain, Hannah’s one second and Alex’s the next, and Zach thought, despite himself, that maybe what he needed was both the right people and possibly a therapy session of his own.

And a good, old-fashioned hand-job or two. That ought to do the trick.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“Have you been studying at all?”

They were in Clay’s room: Zach lounging on his bed, Sheri laying on it in the opposite direction with her feet propped up on Zach’s leg, Clay in his desk chair, Justin on the futon, Jess and Ryan cross-legged on the floor, and, finally, Tony, standing next to the desk and looking for all the world like he had no clue what he was doing there.

“Yeah, I’ve been studying,” Zach said, irritated at the suggestion even though it was pretty dead on.

His studying lately had mostly amounted to staring at words without digesting them for fuck only knew how long, eventually deciding to go for a run or go to the gym or go to Alex’s or even coax May into various games. It was only Thursday, and he had seen Alex to hang out and fool around four times, gotten his ass handed to him by a twelve-year-old in two games of chess, and spent approximately eight hours in exercise on top of his normal routine.

He’d managed to finish a worksheet and bullshit his way through a two-page essay yesterday, and had promptly rewarded his efforts by heading over to the Standall house, even though he and Alex had already spent a solid hour making out and listening to music after PT that night.

If Clay wanted to know how many ways Alex could make Zach crazy, he could answer that pretty extensively, no question. He’d sure as hell studied the way Alex reacted to Zach’s hand on his dick, if that counted, and could probably pass a standardized test on how Alex jerked him off, how he sounded when he was turned on, how his eyes looked when he was blissed out after an orgasm or how his body relaxed against Zach and the sounds of music when they were alone together. He could fill a word bank with Alex’s fond trash talk from all their gaming. He could easily fill in blanks on bands, and favorite foods, and the places he could touch or kiss to get the most immediate reaction. He was pretty sure he could fill the space of an essay question with all the things he wanted to do to Alex and with him.

Like he could read Zach’s mind, Ryan snorted quietly and repeated the word studying smugly under his breath.

Zach wondered how everyone else would feel if he took the thick anthology of poems Ryan was currently combing through and hit him over the head with it. He settled for flicking an eraser in the other boy’s direction, grinning sheepishly at Jess when Ryan’s hand moved and the eraser bounced off her knee instead.

Jessica smiled sweetly and chucked the eraser back at his head.

“Man,” from the futon, Justin let out a groan and dropped his binder and textbook to the floor in front of him, “Jensen, this is not working.”

Clay leveled an exasperated look back at him.

“We’ve been in here less than thirty minutes. Only Sheri, Tony, Ryan, and I seem to even be trying. That’s half of who’s here. It’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but Tony is basically just standing there,” Jessica said, sitting up straighter to stare Jensen down. “He doesn’t count. Sorry, Tony.”

“You should be,” Tony told her, though he was kind of smiling. He turned to look at Clay. “It’s true. I’m supposed to be thinking through my outline for that history paper, but I haven’t thought about it since we started. Let’s be real here. Not one of us are on our game today.”

“Uh, what about me? Am I, like, chopped liver or something?”

“No,” Zach reassured Clay immediately. “But you have been testing me on the wrong set of flashcards. Those are from the last exam.”

Sheri rolled off the bed and went to Clay, resting a conciliatory hand on his arm and using her other hand to gesture at the book she’d abandoned by the bedpost. There was a comic tucked inside it.

“Sorry, Clay, but I’ve been reading that instead of my assigned book. Ain’t nobody got the patience today. You fought the good fight but honestly, I think Courtney had the right idea.”

Zach silently agreed with that.

Courtney had excused herself from their usual studying to go to a therapy appointment. She normally had one a month but had apparently double booked for October and November, because she, like Alex, had been taking preemptive measures against the upcoming dates. She’d cited some research when she told them at lunch the day before, looking meaningfully at them all, but particularly lingering over Jess, Alex, Justin, and Clay, as she unpacked her sandwich and phrases like “the anniversary effect”. Alex had elaborated with his take on some of it during their PT session, mostly just admitting it wasn’t total bullshit or really bullshit at all and changing the subject when Zach tried to probe much further. If Zach thought that his mom would be at all supportive of him seeing someone...

Clay pinched the bridge of his nose, then sighed and turned to Ryan, who raised two hands in mock surrender.

“Hey, I’m actually reading these poems. Just, not for school.”

“Also,” Tony tapped Clay on the arm, looking benevolent as ever, “It’s not actually my turn to pick the music, either. I just kinda went with it. Zach didn’t mind, did you Zach?”

“Not really,” Zach shrugged.

Sure, his Spotify library had grown considerably with Alex more and more in his life, expanding to encompass both Alex’s very particular taste, as well as more of his own (mostly at Alex’s casual but persistent prodding). He’d even found that sometimes, if he was having a hard time relaxing at night and jerking off wasn’t working to help, a couple songs that reminded him of his dad or his childhood or Alex, coupled with some of the breathing techniques he’d read about online, could ease the tension enough that he could go to sleep- and usually sleep better than he had been.

Nonetheless, he’d never have Alex’s ability to listen to music and think- and do little else for hours. Even just gaming for more than an hour at a time made Zach antsy.

He figured it was another way that they kind of balanced each other out. Alex could help him concentrate and listen and find new ways to think about and experience things; Zach could keep Alex from getting stuck, from shutting too many things out, from getting too lost in his own head and the things he used to distract himself from it.

Still- Zach doubted he’d ever be into music for its own sake enough to concern himself when someone else wanted to pick what was on, with the possible exception of messing with his sister.  

“Okay.”

Clay sucked in a breath and leaned over in the chair to rest his chest closer to his knees, his forehead against the knuckles of fists.

“Look, I know it’s weird right now, but we can’t slack off. This is senior year.”

“It’s one week,” Sheri said. Her voice was gentle.

Clay’s mouth did a kind of exaggerated grimace thing, but at least he didn’t bother arguing,

Jessica stretched out her legs and arms in front of her, and Zach thought he could hear a few of her joints popping in the tense silence that had quickly taken over the room.

“This is usually where I’d suggest getting high,” Justin chimed in helpfully after another belabored minute had passed.

It did the trick of breaking the stagnancy, anyway, and Clay immediately rolled his eyes, while Jess muttered something Zach couldn’t quite make out- though if Ryan’s surprised huff of laughter in response was anything to go by, it was probably some kind of jab. Tony leaned over to sock Justin lightly in the shoulder.

“Hey, I didn’t say do it. And, anyway, I’m the only one here who can’t.”

“Not the only one,” Tony said easily. “No way in hell am I risking that.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Sheri inclined her head slightly at Clay, and then at Zach, Jess, and Ryan. “You guys could probably use it though.”

Why he was being included was kind of beyond him, but Zach made a point of scoffing loudly and glancing at his watch.

“Come on, Zachy,” Jess said, her voice a little coaxing but mostly just teasing. “Get high with me. That’ll solve all our problems for a while, right?”

“Nobody said that,” Justin groused. “And it would probably help. But what do I know, right?”

“Everyone in here needs so much therapy, I swear,” Zach hadn’t even meant to say it aloud. Talk about an instant regret.

If Zach had been in his old study group and said something like that (with any seriousness anyway), he could only imagine the kind of comments he’d have gotten. Some kind of shit about projecting, and probably a lot of mocking about how he’d been spending too much time around Alex, maybe some awful innuendos about playing therapist with Alex getting to his head- or to both of them. For a second, Zach was waiting for it, holding himself in anticipation of the remarks and how he would respond to them, especially if his boyfriend were actually pulled into it.

But his friends were just looking at him.

And then, Justin laughed and said, “Yeah, duh, Dempsey. Like it was a mystery,” and laughed some more and shook his head and flicked a tiny folded paper at Zach like he was aiming a football between goalposts- a.k.a. Zach’s eyes. It bounced off the bridge of Zach’s nose a second later, and Jess elbowed Justin in the shin, even as she complimented his aim.

“You know,” Sheri said after a moment, “I see a professional every once in awhile, and honestly I think everyone should. But there’s no-one I trust like the people in this room, even if it’s because I know the kinda lies your asses tell.”

“There’s something to be said for the bonds forged in fire,” Ryan announced, like it was somehow meant to be deep. “I know it’s cliche, but it’s true.”

“Shut up,” Tony told him on behalf of the rest of the room.

His voice was blunt but fond. A take-no-prisoners brand of kind.

“It’s true,” Jess said reluctantly.

“So, what?” Zach found himself asking, looking around at them. “We just talk to each other about all our feelings?”

“It’s kind of like my group therapy,” Jessica mused to him.

“Or my addict group. About as troubled too.”

“Seriously,” Clay grumbled in Justin’s direction, then sighed. “Okay, maybe you guys have a point. But talking to each other can’t replace talking to a licensed professional.”

“No, but it doesn’t have to,” Ryan said, like it was obvious. “Even if you can’t get into a proper therapist, we have guidance counselors for a reason. I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but Singh is a lot more equipped to handle this kind of thing.”

“Had to be after how they fucked up with Porter,” Sheri interjected, as always right on the fucking money.

Ryan nodded in agreement.

“Anyway. The point is it doesn’t have to be either/or. We should be taking support anywhere we can get it. I wouldn’t call this group a judgement free zone or any of that, but we should still be talking to each other. I mean, if we don’t have to deal with things alone, right?”

“Yeah, totally. It couldn’t hurt.”

Jess looked directly at Zach, then at Clay.

“So,” she continued after a moment, tone both questioning and expectant. “Is everyone skipping on Tuesday? I know Zach and Alex are, and I know I am. Separately.” She shot Zach another look, this one sideways and something he couldn’t completely define. Critical? Jealous?

He deliberately made himself look away, focus on the clock, on the ceiling, on the drawings that spanned the walls.

“I can’t afford to,” Sheri admitted. “I missed too much school last year as it is.”

“I’m not either,” Ryan told them. “I considered it, but then I thought, what good would that do? Chad’s been working with me on a way to honor Hannah at the school.”

“I’m skipping,” Justin said. “Mr. and Mrs. Jensen told me they wanted me to. Mrs. Jensen was worried about how it would affect me being in recovery.”

He said the last part with an undertone of wonder Zach had been hearing more and more lately. It was the same way he used to talk about how _Jessica Davis_ wanted to be with him or when the first basketball coach had accepted _him_ on the team.

“Same,” Clay said belatedly. “Not exactly the same, of course, but, you guys know.”

Tony added in that he was also missing the day, probably spending a good chunk of it boxing with Caleb, offering that any of the rest of them would be welcome to join. Their discussion of plans spilled into a discussion of how the deadlines for assignments had suddenly become lax in several classes, like they had around the anniversary of Jeff’s death for anyone that had known him. Criticism of the few tight-ass teachers that had reacted by cracking down on deadlines instead came next. Clay and Sheri were both worried about their grades, and so was Zach. Jess couldn’t focus on her grades or her application essays for college or almost anything else lately. The flashbacks had been bad for the last few months, she confided. Tony and Clay both echoed the sentiment, and suddenly, they were getting the story of how Tony had been there when they put Hannah’s body in the bag, how he’d probably just barely missed her. He wasn’t sure, but he thought about it a lot. Especially lately.

Zach didn’t know how he hadn’t known.

He did know that, as much as he needed to buckle down with classes and school, these people, his friends, had been right. It was one week. Not even- there were five days now until the anniversary of Hannah Baker’s death. Homework might need done, but it was clear that talking needed done a lot more.

He couldn’t let himself forget what silence had done to people he loved.

There was something about talking, about reinforcing this sense of solidarity, making it almost ironclad, that took a weight off of Zach’s lungs and centered him. It was like the feeling when he caught his breath after a good, long run.

Somehow, by the time he was leaving for dinner with his mom and May, Zach felt much better. More like he understood things. More like he was seen. More like he could make it through October ninth and November ninth, and the rest of the year, and the next. That night, Zach pulled up his study guide for the upcoming civics test, and his gratitude was bone deep when the words were still and clear in front of him. For the first time in two weeks, it was like he could concentrate.

He got through a good three assignments before the feeling faded enough that Zach decided to call it.

That night, Zach dreamed he was swimming.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Alex** _So about Tuesday_

 **Zach** _Don’t tell me you’re bailing on me to hang out with Clay_

 **Alex** _Oh my god_

 **Alex** _for fuck’s sake Zach I thought you were serious for a second_

 **Zach** _:))_

 **Zach** _So you can dish it but you can’t take it_

 **Alex** _I can do both, pretty versatile_

 **Zach** _I have literally no good response for that_

 **Alex** _Well maybe you shouldn’t start what you can’t finish_

 **Zach** _I feel like we’re getting off track lol_

 **Zach** _But can we come back to this track another time??_

 **Alex** _100% ya. So what were you thinking?_

 **Zach** _Are you sure you’re cool with me planning the whole day?_

 **Alex** _yes. Whatever you need. My biggest thing was wanting to be with you tbh_

 **Zach** _Okay_

 **Zach** _How are you doing?_

 **Alex** _Idk. Could be worse. Could be better._

 **Alex** _you still seeing Singh Monday?_

 **Zach** _yeah_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Since the buddy system had gone digital, Zach was almost always getting flooded with notifications.

It had been unusually quiet, though, today. Like they’d all gone off the grid.

Zach rubbed his palm over his knee a few times, squeezing it through the denim. He’d hit it on Alex’s desk during some heavy making out on Saturday, and a nice bruise had formed right at the top of the kneecap. It barely hurt but the dull ache gave him something to focus on other than how strange and wrong it felt being here, in a hard-backed chair in the main office, staring at the name placard labelling Singh’s office with not one of his friends in sight.

It wasn’t even like the day had been all that bad or dramatic. If anything, it had been the opposite, so completely uneventful that, at least to Zach, it was kind of eerie.

He’d take it, of course; after all, Zach had never really been one to rock the boat. He would if he had to, but usually he could rely on the people around him to shake things up or cause a scene even when it wasn’t necessary, and especially when it was.

Today, though…

Alex had backed down from a fight with Monty earlier. The fuckhead had literally started baiting him in the halls, and Zach had seen the reply wanting to snap out of his boyfriend, had seen how coiled up he’d gotten so quickly, had seen all the pent up fight surge- and then Alex had looked at Zach, and he’d asked if he wanted to go another way to their next class. He’d spent the first minute of their walk practically quivering with suppressed rage, but he was warm with Zach and even wrapped a hand briefly around Zach’s forearm just outside the classroom as he promised he had things under control, he was fine, and that the only things Zach should be worrying about were his meeting with Singh and whatever his plan was for them tomorrow.

It should have made him happy, shouldn’t it? He didn’t want Alex battling things out with every jackass that taunted him or looked at him wrong; it was dangerous and impractical. Hell, it was usually just playing into the other person’s hand.

And hell, he _was_ glad in some sense.

But it had still been nagging at him, just like the rest of the silence, the lack of activity in the group chats, the wholehearted way they’d all embraced distraction at lunch. For how heavy their studying time had been, maybe Zach should just chill and take the reprieve at face value. God knew, he definitely wanted to.

No such luck.

“Zach Dempsey?”

Zach looked up, and the guidance counselor smiled in a cool way that didn’t quite touch her eyes. She seemed genuine enough, but smart and detached and with a bureaucratic air that made Zach think they’d just gone for the opposite extreme of Porter.

There had to be some kind of balance, but it was like no-one wanted to put in the work to find it.

“Come on in,” she said as Zach stood and approached her door.

He wanted to fidget or maybe leave. What was he doing?

Talking to his friends a little bit, mostly about their feelings and not his- that was one thing. This was way too fucking much of another. Maybe his mom was right. Maybe he didn’t need to talk.

What would wallowing solve? It wasn’t like Singh or anyone else wanted to hear him ramble about how afraid he was or how lonely he’d been once or how much of the time he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. How still, even now with a thousand reasons to live and almost none not to, there were moments where he wondered what it would be like if he didn’t have to keep managing things, or how quickly the world would move on without him in it.

It really, honestly, wasn’t as bad anymore. A solid ninety-five percent of the time, he wanted to be here, soaking everything in, living as fully as he possibly could. He even took more and more risks now based on that. Zach wasn’t as bad as Hannah or Alex or even Clay or Jess. It was dramatic to think the occasional ten minutes where he felt like he was drowning and like he would do anything for that feeling to end or the periodic nightmares or even the anxiety he had about how easily he might lose more people he loved, it wasn’t like any of that was important enough to talk about. It certainly wasn’t comparable to how Hannah had been in even the last months of her life or Alex’s dark days both pre-shooting and post. It wasn’t like he hated himself or didn’t see his own worth or a future where things might be better.

It just sometimes felt like he was swimming through mud or quicksand trying to get there, and at times the exertion was too much, the sight of land or oasis like it was too far away.

Zach didn’t expect the tears, especially not this quickly.

Singh let out a soft sigh, sympathetic in the space between them, and came around her desk to hand him a box of tissues.

“You were in a relationship with Hannah Baker, weren’t you?” she asked quietly.

They hadn’t ever really defined what they were. Friends. Friends who kissed. Friends who had sex once and then a whole bunch more times, and also made out and held hands and maybe possibly loved each other, at least as best they could at the time.

The tears were on his cheeks now, and almost as soon as he’d brushed them off new ones had taken their place. It was noiseless and effortless, but he was crying, and he was nodding.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“How did it go?”

Alex was on the water-bike, forehead on the handlebars. His bare shoulders glistened under the water and moonlight. Zach put his hand out on one, hoping to steady some of his boyfriend’s shivering.

The California air was still pretty warm in early October, and the gym carefully watched the temperatures, but they’d be moving to the indoor pool soon. Even Zach was starting to feel slightly chilled when he stood in one place too long, and he’d found Alex got cold a lot more easily than he did.

“It was good,” he said vaguely.

It had been; Zach had talked more than he’d meant to, but the guidance counselor had proved more perceptive and kind than he’d anticipated. She’d given him some information on places he could go to and pay for services like outpatient therapy and even a psychiatric evaluation if he wanted or thought it might help.

“You can usually go about as much or little as you’d need to,” she’d told him. “Especially if you have the financial resources, but even then, there are a lot of programs in place. You’re going on to a university, right?” And then went on to talk about how often schools had connections to services in their area, and sometimes students could get a different rate or a certain number of appointments free. Sometimes that wasn’t the case, but she claimed a lot of the good schools, especially in progressive areas, were making an effort to take their students’ mental health more seriously.

There were awkward moments, but on the whole, she hadn’t treated him like he was wasting her time or like she didn’t want to listen, and that alone had been a big help.

“I’m really glad you did that,” Alex said, leaning back into Zach’s touch and craning his neck around a little so their eyes could meet.

Zach’s hand slid carefully down from Alex’s shoulder down the slope of his back, wet white skin and goosebumps. Under the water, he was warmer, but not by much. Zach let his fingers splay over Alex’s hip, flexing just a little into the space where the skin began to dip.

He liked how natural this felt. How easy it was to just be together.

“Do I get to know what we’re doing tomorrow?”

Zach laughed at that. His heart felt like it was humming.

“There will be walking,” he advised Alex, grinning at the groan his answer evoked. “It looks like it’ll be nice out, so if that keeps up we’ll spend some time outside. I was thinking we could just spend some time in places that remind us of Hannah for a while, then we can try to do other things just for us.”

“Other, at-home, in-bed or on-my-desk type things?”

“We can see where the night takes us.”

Zach squeezed around Alex’s hip and winked, then let go and glanced at his watch.

“So, what I’m hearing is we can take it easy tonight to make sure I have lots of energy tomorrow.”

Zach grinned at the weak attempt. Even if Alex had tried harder, they’d slacked off enough lately.

“It’s getting cold as shit,” Alex tacked on, like that would help his case.

“I’ll warm you up when we’re done,” Zach reassured him. “Come on, Standall. Gotta get those muscles up.”

Alex scoffed but geared up to start moving again anyway. Zach let himself get closer than he might normally as he started the timer once more. The strangeness of the day had faded almost as soon as they’d met in the locker room, the last of it washing away in the familiar reality of the pool, the reflecting light, the way their bodies interrupted the water, and the sound of their voices filling up the emptiness all around.

He was so grateful that this wasn’t a dream.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote came courtesy of "A Song for the Birds" by Eisley. You can listen to the acoustic version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSz_xb5QccA
> 
> I am so sorry for the long wait on this chapter. Not to get too personal, but unfortunately, I've been in some dangerous, crisis type circumstances since the end of July and that obviously affected my ability to write. I believe things are calming down some for now, so hopefully my writing will pick back up at least somewhat. I have a fair amount written of the next chapter, so I'm optimistic there. At any rate, thank you guys so much for your support and kind comments last chapter and all the previous ones. I hope I haven't lost all of you and that those who come back to read this chapter enjoyed it. Take care of yourselves, and as always feel free to reach out to me via my tumblr (lunalitsol) or here. <3 to all of you.


	7. Hold Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: Some imagery around Hannah's suicide and Alex's suicide attempt; homophobic slur; some discussion of sex; references to religion, parental death, and miscarriage; allusions to past drug abuse, recreational drinking, & recreational marijuana use.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 7** : HOLD EACH OTHER

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_“Everything looks different now;_

_all this time my head was down._

_He came along and showed me how to let go._

_I can’t remember where I’m from. All I know is who I’ve become,_

_That our love has just begun, like,_

_oh, something happens when I hold him._

_He keeps my heart from getting broken.”_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

To say Zach’s mom was unhappy about his planned truancy for Tuesday, October 9th, 2018 was a vast understatement.

He’d told her Sunday morning right before they left for church in hopes the time with her friends (not to mention God) would help her process it and understand where he was coming from. Instead, she spent the drive to family brunch stewing over how it had apparently prevented her from focusing on what she’d wanted to, and how she could only hope the prayers she had managed to make would find their targets (complete with pointed looks sent his way at the last part).

When he didn’t cave, Karen Dempsey then spent the duration of their meal trying to take back control of things, adamantly ordering the drinks, then food, for both May and Zach- and, of course, only ordering according to what she said they should eat without regard for their opinions. Zach had been forced to spend the better part of two hours poking at the lumpy, gravy-smothered biscuits his mom totally knew he hated before they were allowed to leave, by which point all three of them were in foul moods. May spent the car ride home glowering alternately at Mom and Zach, and Zach clenched his hands over his knees and counted out breaths until they got to the house and he could get in his own car, leave this massive, bullshit overreaction behind in favor of his usual workout and studying.

At least, he knew May would forgive him for bringing Mom’s passive-aggressive wrath down on the both of them. Mom, herself, though… she had to get over it eventually. Right?

Later that night, Zach’s mom came in to request his phone and look through it. He had handed it over automatically, heart in his throat, knowing with absolute certainty that she could open his texts with Alex and so easily know that they were together, not to mention that he was planning to see the school’s guidance counselor the next day.

Karen Dempsey had stared at him, holding his phone in her hand, eye contact unwavering. She’d moved as if to bring the phone closer to her face, but had barely glanced at his lockscreen before she handed it back slowly, methodically, examining how he stood and held his breath and watched her. She had given it back to him without going through it, but that barely mattered. The point was she could. The point was she knew he was hiding things, and that at the end of the day she could still hold out her hand and have all his secrets if that was her want. She could have almost anything he had to give.

He still wasn’t moving on his plans for Tuesday.

Monday after PT with Alex, he’d gone to finish up an assignment, check his email, double check the weather for the next day, and found his mom sitting on his bed.

“Are you still not going to school tomorrow?” she asked.

She was staring at the picture Zach had framed and put on his desk a week or so into June, the one of all four of them from his cousin Ali’s wedding three years ago. May was such a shrimp back then, and Zach had been almost gangly, his muscles a lot less impressive on the heels of a major growth spurt. He hadn’t cared. The sun was shining on the vast lawn behind them, and both his mom and dad were smiling, his dad’s like he was just barely stopping a laugh. May had said something that had Zach in stitches not long before, what exactly he couldn’t remember now, and the happiness and humor had sewn their bodies close together, their expressions all light.

“Yeah,” Zach said. An apology was right on the tip of his tongue but he bit down on it, sucked it back into his lungs with a deep breath.

He wasn’t sorry, and he was tired of claiming he was and of telling all these little lies to the people he cared about- but especially to his mom.

“That Standall boy has been a bad influence,” she said quietly. “I knew he would be.”

Zach shook his head, inwardly wincing.

“He’s really not. He’s...” Zach went to his desk chair and tried to force himself to face his mom. It was like she didn’t even want to look at him, and over what?

“He’s so good for me,” he told her anyway.

Her whole face contorted for half a second, but then it smoothed out once more. She nodded, rose her eyes to look at him.

He had no idea what she was thinking.

“One day,” she said. “You’ll be okay,” and he wasn’t sure if that was more for his benefit or hers.

“Yeah, it’s one day,” he agreed. “I’ll be fine. I’ll be with Alex for most of it, but then we’re meeting up with everyone else for dinner. I’ll get home by curfew.”

“You’re not missing the next ninth. In November. That was when he did it, right? You will be in school that day, no argument,” she said it like it was a promise and a threat and a big, desperate question all rolled into one.

Zach felt his lips press into a line, unwilling to argue or concede even though he already knew what his plans were.

After all, yeah, Alex had shot himself last November ninth, but it had been late at night, and Zach hadn’t known until the tenth. No-one but Alex’s dad had, he was pretty sure. That wasn’t to say the anniversary of the day it had happened wouldn’t be hard, just that being in those halls exactly a year from when he’d heard the news would be harder.

And Zach happened to know the tenth of November was a Saturday this year, which meant there’d be no school but plenty of Alex anyway. Zach had been thinking about it a lot the last week- the anniversary of Hannah inextricably linked to Alex and through them both to Zach. The more he’d considered the dates coming up, the more he’d realized that the tenth put more of a pit in his stomach than the ninth did where Alex was concerned. He’d been wondering if he might even drag Alex along to whatever May’s activity that morning was. It was about time they got a proper introduction… Zach may have dropped the ball in his efforts to avoid the anniversary of the day Hannah died, but he wasn’t making that mistake again. Thankfully, the calendar had just happened to align unbelievably well with Zach’s hopes for next month.

His mom clearly didn’t care enough to have thought of any of that, though, and Zach wasn’t about to show his hand and possibly piss her off all the more.

She stood from his bed, one hand lingering to smooth the wrinkles away from where she’d been sitting, then started towards the door. Zach’s hopes that they were done were dashed when, instead of leaving, his mom paused at the calendar hanging on his wall, eyes tracing over the denotations of sports seasons, of home and away games, and of qualifying matches. He’d circled the game of Liberty versus Hillcrest three times in red. It was coming up quickly.

“You know,” Zach’s mom said after a moment. She’d been tracing her index finger over one of the circles surrounding the Hillcrest game, but turned halfway, so she could look at him again. “I went to work on the anniversary of the day your father died.”

“I know,” Zach said. His voice was flat.

Of course he knew. As if it hadn’t been hard enough already, Mom had worked and even stayed on the clock later than usual. Zach had held May while she cried after they worked together to recreate one of Dad’s favorite meals. They hadn’t been able to eat it, nor to throw it away. Of course, the next morning they’d found the food half-eaten, the rest quickly dumped out by mom when still neither of them wanted it.

The worst part was that he knew she wasn’t trying to be cold or hurtful. Zach knew his mom loved them. He knew how much she’d adored his dad. It was just that in Karen Dempsey’s world, nothing stopped for grief or any other feeling there might be. She could get out of work early for a sports game or competition, could even miss entirely for any number of other engagements, but for sadness? For the emotional health of herself or someone else? Negative emotions weren’t something to sit with; they were something to get through. Especially if they might inconvenience someone else or hamper the achievement of your goals. Happiness was built by action and ignoring sadness until it evaporated. Grin and bear it and if you don’t have anything nice or constructive to say, then you don’t have anything to say at all.

Zach felt ill and overwhelmingly sad and deeply angry. This repression was stitched into the fabric of all he knew, but it was everything he didn’t want. At least, not any more.

If he didn’t talk, he’d explode. If he couldn’t feel, he’d drown in going through the motions. He needed more. He wanted more.

“I feel like I don’t understand you anymore,” Zach’s mom confessed, and the edge of hidden anguish in her voice was like a knife to the heart. “Zach. You’re so strong and capable. You’ve always done what you have to do. Your work ethic- honey, it’s made me so proud. Even when things are a struggle, you persevere and find a way forward. You’ve been becoming an admirable man. I just don’t want to see you throw that all away on people who aren’t going the same places. I know you cared for Hannah Baker... But it’s not your fault that girl died, and it’s not your responsibility to save all the people like her. You know, Zachary, where your priorities belong. Are you really helping yourself and your family like this? Think about it, please. One day can multiply so quickly.”

Zach stared at her mutely. His ears and eyes were burning.

“I know that the Standall boy, that Alex,” she said his name like it was something foreign and slightly sour and entirely beyond comprehension, “means something to you. But I don’t understand it. And you could try to help me and I… but I don’t think I ever will understand. As far as I can tell, Zach, he’s only completing the destruction that Hannah Baker started.”

It clashed so sharply with how he saw Alex and himself that Zach found himself responding finally, words jarring loose from where they’d been stuck somewhere between his lungs and heart.

“You think I don’t know that you don’t understand? You know what, I don’t even want to try to explain anything about him or how much good he’s done for me. It’s not worth it. I’m telling you, I need tomorrow; I need to not be at that school, mom, and I need to be with Alex. And that’s what I’m doing. I won’t bother trying to change your mind about Alex and me; that’s pointless, clearly. But stop trying to change mine.”

Mrs. Dempsey was staring at him as if she couldn’t believe he was there, let alone that he was talking back to her.

Zach so rarely did that.

“I-”

Her voice faltered. Her eyes were bright in a way Zach knew meant she wanted to cry, even if she wouldn’t.

“Please go,” he said, looking away from her.

“You know how much I love you,” his mom said. There was another sound, like she was going to say more but changed her mind at the last second, and then her footsteps came instead, and, finally, he heard the click of his door closing.

Zach waited a minute. The blood was pounding in his brain. In his ears, the silence pressed so hard it was like a muted roar. He waited, and then he stood, and he went to his bed, and he threw his fist into his pillow as hard as he could, and then he did it again and again and again. Breathing hard, Zach grabbed the pillow and held it to his face for another minute. He was going to yell into it, but instead he just let it sit there, opened his mouth into it, let the cloth absorb his ragged breathing until it finally began to regulate. He pulled it back from his face, the movement still kind of sharper than it should be, and threw it back down on his bed.

He didn’t-

Zach blinked several times, scraping a hand across his forehead, then the back of his neck, and tried to remember what he’d been planning to do. A task- that was what he needed. A task.

Zach kicked his desk as he crossed by it for good measure but was able to stop himself from putting too much force into it. At least, he could feel his self-control coming back, slowly but more and more.

He went to his backpack and overturned it on his bedspread, sorting through things quickly, removing old papers and broken pencils alongside a few other unnecessary odds and ends, then replaced the contents more in order than they’d been before. After, he moved to putting away some clean laundry he’d stacked in his closet instead of deal with the previous night. Everything was coming in clearer now, but when he even began to go back over some of what his mom had said- he couldn’t deal with that. It was too much, especially tonight. He had to focus on getting set up so he could just breathe through tomorrow, be with his boyfriend and the rest of his friends, and move forward from there.

Zach went ahead and did some stretches, then dropped into a few sets of push-ups to try and get out some of the energy that had collected along his muscles.

What he really wanted right now was to go for a run, blow off some steam. But it was late, and his mom really hated when he-

Zach stopped. He looked at the door for a long moment, his mom’s face flashing in his head, how she’d looked right before she left like she wanted nothing more than to reach him but had no idea how or where to start. And then he remembered what she’d looked like when he came in, when they were arguing, when she called his boyfriend and Hannah both bad influences.

Why the hell was he taking what she liked into account anyway?

Zach let the question build up inside him for all of five seconds before he was seizing his phone, checking the time, and calling the first person he thought of- or, well, the first who would actually be able to run with him.

“Zach man! What the fuck is up? You never call this late.”

Justin sounded simultaneously exhausted and totally wired. Lately, Zach knew the feeling.

“I was thinking of going for a run,” Zach told him, unable or unwilling to bother with preamble, “You wanna come with?”

“It’s almost ten at night,” Justin retorted, then paused and added, “Fuck yeah. That actually sounds great. Do you want to meet somewhere? Honestly, I’d love to get out of this neighborhood for a bit.”

He made a kind of shuddering sound, and Zach nodded even though it wasn’t like Justin could see. He understood either way. He could use some distance from their usual spaces too.

“I’ll come pick you up. I can be there in five.”

“Sounds good,” Justin said. “See ya, Dempsey.”

Zach replied in kind and quickly clicked off the call. He was still in sweats and a tee from earlier, so he grabbed his jacket and tossed it over one arm. Downstairs was dark and quiet- May had a nine-thirty bedtime still, though Zach knew for a fact that as soon as mom thought she was asleep, his sister huddled up under her blanket with the laptop or a book or who knew what else.

Every once in a great while, they’d bump into each other in the kitchen around eleven p.m..

What mom didn’t know, right?

Zach pulled his phone from his pocket almost as soon as he was in the car, sending his mom a brief text telling her he’d gone for a run and would be back by his midnight curfew, then went ahead and checked the weather for tomorrow.  Thankfully, the forecast hadn’t changed, still projecting them going back and forth between overcast and partly sunny with moderate temperatures that would at most mean a light jacket for Zach and probably not even that. Alex would almost certainly be in layers, but that was how he dressed the majority of the time anyways.

And now that he was thinking about Alex anyway…

Zach opened up their messages. They’d seen each other enough today that there weren’t too many, but he hadn’t even been able to say goodnight or anything. The thing with his mom had kind of derailed routine.

He started a message explaining what had happened, but quickly found himself erasing it in favor of a vague “ _hey sorry got caught up. Talk tomorrow. I’ll be there at 8 ❤️ let me know if you want to eat together or if I should already have breakfast”_. They’d have plenty of time to talk tomorrow, and he didn’t want Alex waking and then possibly staying up late trying to comfort him. He had to be well rested for tomorrow, for both their sakes.

It was going to be a long day, but the thought of getting to not only see Alex bright and early but also get to spend the whole day with him in the middle of the week spurred something in him, like fluttering just under his ribcage. Zach felt kind of guilty for planning so much of tomorrow as if it was more a date than what it was. At the same time, though, it was helping him feel sane. There had to be a balance between honoring what Hannah had meant to him and what he’d found with Alex after.

He blew out a stream of air, long and slow, as he switched on his bluetooth and connected it to his car. Almost immediately, song filled up the small space. It was one he’d found last week in their clearing, his and Alex’s. It was a little less mainstream than most of his favorites tended to be and definitely slower, more thoughtful, than he usually liked, but Alex had relaxed into him as it played and the fact that it was kind of romantic but didn’t use pronouns made it easy to relate to the two of them. Zach turned it up as he left for the Jensen house, picturing what it would be like to slow dance with Alex like he had before Spring fling, but this time for their own sake.

Justin bolted out the door almost as soon as Zach had pulled up by the curb, hoodie on but unzipped over a ratty T-shirt Zach recognized from some intramural thing in freshman year. It was kind of hilarious that it still fit him even if he was filling it out more than he had back then. Zach had outgrown his own before sophomore year was even close to starting. He paused the music on his phone just in time to hear the passenger door handle get pulled on and unlocked it after a pause, grinning.

“Hey, thanks asshole. Most of the trails are already closed,” Justin said as he climbed into the passenger seat. “What’s up with that anyway? Who closes nature?” And then answered himself before Zach could with, “Fascists, probably.”

“I don’t think that’s right,” Zach said, though he was already laughing, then continued, “And so what? Screw it, right?”

“Screw it,” Justin echoed. “I mean, what happens if we get caught? We get a stern talking to?”

Justin mockingly wagged his finger at Zach, then slouched back into his seat looking completely content.

Zach reached over without looking and poked him in the face, grinning when Justin slapped his hand away.

“It’s worth it,” Zach said a moment later, not sure if he was more telling Justin or trying to reassure himself.

“You only live once,” Justin agreed. “But, it’s the dead of night and we’re going for a run, which is like the start of every bad horror movie or Criminal Minds episode; so, heads up Dempsey- if we get murdered, I’m coming back and haunting your ass.”

“Wouldn’t I be murdered too, though?”

Justin barely paused.

“Fine, I’ll haunt Standall.”

Zach looked sideways at his best friend. Justin was focused on the scenery passing now, but there was no telltale smirk to suggest he knew anything he shouldn’t.

They went to the “park” about twelve minutes from where Clay lived, this one more sparse than the two Zach and Alex went to most often, with an old riverbed flocked by weeds and wildflowers winding a similar path to the even pavement of its trail. There was a perfunctory little playground on the opposite side of the trail, and a gazebo about twenty feet from the place where the trail split in two, only barely visible from where Zach and Justin stood, stretching out their arms in the darkness. They’d parked a ways back, in the the cul de sac a block or so over, and, as far as Zach could tell, the security for a place like this amounted to maybe the occasional drive-by. It was almost too bad. Part of him wondered what face his mom would make if he had to be escorted home by police, wake her up to red and blue lights and panic and...

Guilt came instantly, fervently, and Zach surged forward, yelling for Justin to _“try to keep up”_ as he went off like a shot down the trail.

“Ass,” Justin bellowed after him, but then took off as well, wasting no time in catching up.

They raced, whooping and laughing and talking shit into the darkness. Zach ran until his breath came fast, until his thoughts were all but nonexistent, until the black of the night began to look blue.

Eventually, they slowed, dropping into steady jogging and companionable silence. The noise from the roads was blunted by distance and the hum of crickets and katydids in the fields. That noise would be gone before too long as the mild fall weather picked up chill heading into winter. Sometimes you could still hear the insects into mid November, but Zach had a feeling this year would be too cold for them to survive that long. Soon enough the only sounds he’d have when he ran at night would be either his own, his pounding heart and steps and head, or the manufactured music from earbuds.

As it was now, Zach savored the way the summer chorus had clung through early fall, how all he could hear was that and the thrum of his pulse in his ears and his and Justin’s rhythmic breathing. It was the kind of soundtrack he could feel at home surrounded by.

They ran about twenty yards down the trail on its left-hand fork before Justin suggested backtracking, the pair of them slowing to a walk as they neared the gazebo for the second time that night.

“Wanna go in?” Zach asked Justin.

He felt calmer now, more in control, more like he could clearly see. And so he could see even more than he had before how jittery Justin seemed. The running had helped him, too, but he was still kind of on edge, twitchy, and Zach had caught him rubbing his fingers together, reaching to scratch or wrap his hand momentarily around the inside of his elbow.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed immediately. He still sounded the tiniest bit winded though he was clearly trying not to, putting on a weak front that Zach could effortlessly see through, that they both knew he could.

They two of them had been working on conditioning together for the last several months now, trying to get Justin back into shape after how the drugs and homelessness had deteriorated his muscle mass, endurance, and strength. They’d made huge progress, actually, but he still took longer to catch his breath than he had before, and Zach had seen him get the shakes after some of their more intensive workouts. He was struggling more tonight than he had since shortly after getting clean again; Zach could see better just how much the more that they slowed and walked together.

“How badly do you want to get high right now?” he asked as they entered the gazebo. “Scale of one to ten.”

Justin scowled at him and socked him in the shoulder, then dropped to the ground, spreading out and yawning widely.

It kind of looked forced.

Zach went to the low bench on one side, a marble or granite structure that surprisingly felt at least as warm as the rest of the night. He sprawled out on it, awkwardly trying to arrange his limbs in the limited space, while also trying to look like he wasn’t trying at all.

Justin’s laughter made it pretty clear his attempts weren’t going super well, but it must have done something for him anyway, as Justin finally spoke up.

“It’s like a five. Maybe six. But y’know before you called it was like an eight or a nine, so…”

“I actually kind of wanted to too,” Zach admitted. It had been fucking ages since the last time he’d let himself smoke up, or, fuck, even drink. Probably not since Alex had woken up from his coma.

“Running was better,” he said. He even thought he believed it.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed. “Nothing compared to sex, though,” he sounded wistful for a moment, maybe a tiny bit bitter.

Or maybe Zach was just projecting.

“Is that what you were going to do before I called?”

Zach was only half-teasing, though he tried to keep his tone light.

He kind of had to wonder. After all, Justin and Jess were both vulnerable right now, and that was usually when he’d noticed them seek each other out. That, or when things were going too well. One of them always had to break open what had recently been fixed.

If it were a choice between what Justin would relapse on, at least Jess was better than heroin.

“Fuck no. Man, I wish,” Justin groaned. He stretched out his arms in front of him and Zach heard a crack that compelled him to follow suit. He felt wrung out, and he felt almost new.

“Nah,” Justin continued. “I was hoping if I went long enough without hooking up with anyone else after Jess, she’d, y’know. Change her mind or something. It was dumb.”

“Yeah. I mean,” Zach stared up at the top of the gazebo, the way the beams seemed to come together in a point and almost interlock, “maybe it was, but I get it, dude. Besides, you’ve done dumber.”

“Don’t remind me,” Justin said, snorting softly, a little self-deprecating with a huge heaping side of humor, maybe a dash of nostalgia.

“Remember when you thought we could do like a spring formation the way cheerleaders do to help you dunk back in eighth?”

“I really fucking wanted to dunk,” Justin retorted, grinning at Zach. “Not all of us are built like trees, Dempsey, damn.”

“You are,” Zach reassured him. “Just, you know, one of the short ones you can’t climb without breaking.”

“Oh, fuck off. At least I can fuck someone without crushing them. By the way, how is church girl?”

“Did you eat some mushrooms when I wasn’t looking?” And maybe that had been a little too mean a response, but Justin didn’t seem to mind or think anything of it at all.

“Come on, Zach,” Justin rolled over and kicked Zach’s ankle. “We both know you’ve been getting some.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Zach told him easily. It was a lie, sure, but not like… a whole one. He wasn’t technically getting any, at least not how Justin meant.

“What’s the girl’s name?” Justin asked. He was almost whining.

“There’s no girl,” Zach informed him, and Justin’s eyes narrowed.

“Because she’s not a girl, she’s a woman? That’s a lame loophole, man.”

Zach shook his head, but didn’t bother with arguing further. There was nothing to prove anymore, not to Justin. Same as he wasn’t going to ask Justin to prove shit to him.

“You can talk to me when you want to,” Justin said after a moment, something like surrender in his voice. Not the resentful kind Zach had heard from him so often, either. Just like he understood what it was to want some things to stay inside, to not have to spill out all your secrets and all your guts to everyone that asked.

Justin had always been been good at that, keeping things on the down low when he needed. Then again, up until a little over a year ago, there had been virtually nothing he wouldn’t tell either Zach or Bryce.

“Thanks,” Zach said quietly. “Not just for that, but for coming with me tonight. I really needed to get out of my house.”

“Your mom?”

“Oh yeah. She’s… not happy about me missing school. Or a lot of things lately.”

Justin hissed sympathetically.

“Mrs. Jensen, uh, Lainie, whatever, she and Mr. Jensen are, like, weirdly chill about it. About all kinds of shit. And it’s not the type of chill my mom was, you know, where she just didn’t care if I wanted to go out or get high or whatever, as long as I came around sometimes and didn’t cost her too much money or bring cops knocking. I don’t even know how to react to it. They’re trying to be all understanding and supportive and shit.”

He sounded frustrated, which Zach didn’t totally get because having a mom and dad that wanted to talk to you but also were just trying to be there for you in whatever way you needed them- that was basically a dream.

Then again, these weren’t actually Justin’s mom and dad. Not even his adoptive parents, yet. Zach wasn’t entirely sure what they were or where everything was in that process, just that it was happening. Just that it wasn’t finished.

It was a can of worms he wasn’t opening tonight.

“I could never live with Clay,” he said, a little thoughtfully, a little as an invitation to complain.

He’d be more than happy to hear Justin bitch about their friend, and, hell, maybe carry back some of it to Alex. _Hey, Alex, did you know Clay breaks wind like a motherfucker, has morning breath that smells worse than LAX two days before Christmas, and dresses like an emo garden gnome because his mom picked out his clothes for him until he was like fourteen?_  

“He’s not that bad,” Justin said, just this side of begrudging. “He needs to get laid, though.” Then, with a sort of exaggerated grimace, “Fucking hell, so do I.”

  Apparently, so did Zach.

“I have to be at Alex’s by eight,” Zach realized, checking his watch. “Shit, we’ve got to head back.”

“Fucking eight? Why the hell would you do that to yourself? Fucking eight. And how did you get Standall to agree to that shit? He hates mornings more than I do.”

“I wanted an early start,” Zach said, forcing himself up.

“And he didn’t tell you to fuck off?” Justin thankfully sounded more amazed than suspicious. “Dude, tell me your secret.”

“I don’t even know,” Zach said, shrugging on one side as he helped Justin to his feet.

That really wasn’t a lie. Yeah, he was well aware by now how Alex felt about him. They’d been basically dating for almost two months now, been closer than Zach had ever been to anyone else for a lot longer, and the care between them was clear as day, reliable even.

He still didn’t know how it was that Alex would give to Zach so much and so often. Not so much physical stuff as understanding, acceptance, a willingness to take care of Zach in what ways he could and let Zach take care of him in turn. Any of the others offered to carry his bag or help him when he didn’t explicitly ask, they’d get at least some choice cuss words in their direction, but Alex was different with Zach, had been different even when Zach hadn’t necessarily deserved it. It was nice not having to cajole tolerance, just having it there for him to rest in. Zach could be helpful and doting and too touchy and restless and whatever else he was. Sometimes, it built friction between them, but mostly it was like letting go, like instead of sinking or swimming he could just float, and Alex would be there beside him.

“It’s that irresistible Zach Dempsey charm,” Justin said. “I swear, once upon a time, mine was even more potent than yours. I’m off my game.”

“You totally are.”

“Think there’s some kind of physical therapy thing that would help?”

“I think that’s just regular therapy, bro,” Zach said, and Justin elbowed him, laughing.

“Fuck you.”

“Running’s probably good, too,” Zach said charitably. “Race back to the car?”

Instead of answer, Justin promptly took off, whooping once more into the night as he ran. Zach gripped one of the gazebo’s wooden beams, looking around, taking in a lungful of chilled air and stardust; then, he pushed off and into the night.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

When Zach got to the Standall home Tuesday morning, he was gratified to find the cruiser gone and only Mrs. Standall’s car in the driveway. She answered the door almost as soon as he’d knocked, smiling warmly.

Alex was so much more like her than he was his dad, Zach thought. More afraid and abrasive and a million other things that were just him, sure, but when it came down to it, the heart was so much the same.

Sometimes, Zach thought he was the same way with his mom, but worse. Like she’d given him all her worst qualities, and what he’d gotten from his dad was nowhere near enough. Between both their images, these days Zach barely knew where he fell anymore.

“Zach,” Mrs. Standall said, pulling him in for a quick hug. “Look at you, right on time. It’s actually great, because my shift at the hospital starts in about half an hour. I left some cash here on the counter, so you boys could get breakfast, see a movie or something, not that either of you don’t have your own money.” The look she gave him reminded Zach of his attempt to hand Mr. Standall his wallet last week, and he suddenly wondered at whether it was a story the man had shared with his wife.

If her gently teasing smile was anything to go by, probably.

“I didn’t wake Alex up yet,” she added, looking a little guilty. “I don’t think he slept very well, honestly, but I can go get him up now if you want.”

“I can do it.”

Zach tried not to sound too eager, and, thankfully, Mrs. Standall’s only real response was to rub a hand over her forehead, looking tired and pensive and not at all concerned with how interested Zach may or may not be in waking up Alex.

“I’ll just come up with you, let him know I’m leaving, and then head out,” she said decidedly. “Heck, maybe I’ll have time to get some doughnuts or something for the break room.”

Alex was sprawled half on his side, one arm curled beneath his pillow and with his comforter pulled in around him. There was a hum of music coming from his phone on the nightstand, which Mrs. Standall pursed her lips at, looking for all the world like she was having to physically, painfully, tamp off a lecture.

“Alex,” she brushed back his mussed up hair, then shook his shoulder, maybe a little harder than she had to. “Alexander.”

He tossed his head once, then blinked awake, and Zach leaned into the doorframe, smiling despite himself. Already, he felt like he’d run a mile and was halfway through a good cooldown. Like all the bad tension had melted away and all that remained was a kind of easy energy he could do what he wanted with.

Beneath that, he was tired. But the good tired that he could as easily cast off as he could embrace.

“Mom. What time- Oh. Zach?”

Alex had caught sight of him quickly. His bleary, blue eyes were probably the warmest thing Zach had ever seen.   

“Zach just got here. I thought I’d let you sleep, sweetie.”

She carded fingers through his hair, then pulled away.

“I know you were up and down a lot last night.”

A flash of guilt went across his face, and Zach thought he saw a similar expression on hers, lightning-quick, before being buried beneath that same solid but exhausted love she so often seemed to radiate.

“I gave Zach the whole run down, okay? So, you two just take care of yourselves and each other.  Call me if you need me. Dad’s going to be pretty stuck at work today, but I’ve already got a couple people I know can take over for me in a pinch. Don’t feel bad if you need to call.”

She was being kind of a broken record, but it was the way Zach was pretty sure all moms sounded when they’d talked with you about something recently and were really trying to hammer the point home.

“I’ve got Zach, mom, I’ll be fine,” Alex stifled a yawn against his hand, even as he forced himself more upright in bed.

His smile was less than convincing, but his mom took it anyway. Zach guessed she probably had the practice.

“Alright then. I’m out. Love you, kiddo.”

“Love you, mom.”

“And you, Zach. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to, okay? We care about you too.”

Zach’s chest tightened up a little. He looked her in the eyes, hazel brown and nothing like Alex’s but also so much like them, and he nodded and said, “thank you,” and he thought somehow she understood just how much he meant it.

And now, respectfully, if only she would leave, so he could lay down in bed with her son.

Like the best mind reader in the world, Carolyn Standall smiled at them both again, eyes open, heart threadbare but right out on her sleeve for them, squeezed Zach gently but firmly on the arm, and went off down the hall. Less than a minute later, he heard the sound of the front door open, the car unlock, the front door close.

“So,” Alex said. “You want to get breakfast or-”

“Or,” Zach interjected, shooting what he hoped was a look of tired benevolence his boyfriend’s direction. “We could probably sleep another hour.”

“Or two,” Alex murmured back, already dropping back against his pillows.

His tone was equal parts bargaining and contented and cute as hell, not that Zach would ever tell him that. Zach pulled off his shoes and slipped into the bed, pulling Alex against him and pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek, which Alex sleepily returned in kind.

“We have the day,” Zach said. His eyes were heavy already.

“Mmm,” Alex leaned into him, his stronger arm wrapping around Zach’s.

“Sleep, Zach.”

And he did.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Hannah held Zach’s hand. Her eyes were as cool and blue as rainwater. They reflected his own like a funhouse mirror.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. Her voice was too loud in his ears. Hannah Baker surround sound. “Are you thinking about Alex?”

There was a scar traveling the length of her arm. He traced it with choking horror. A twin one on the other side.

“Do you think it hurt?” she asked. “Do you think he was in pain?”

There was that edge to her voice, like she was expecting a certain answer from him, and he didn’t know what to say.

He couldn’t talk at all.

“He died all alone,” Hannah said, looking him seriously in the eyes. “That could have been me. Sometimes, I think… it’s too awful.”

He couldn’t reassure her. He couldn’t move or speak or do anything but look at her.

This wasn’t real.

The understanding didn’t help, but it did ripple the surface of things. Hannah quivered, and for a second Zach was looking at nothing. For a second, he could see her grave. But then she was there with him, kneeling on dry soil, and the name on the marker had changed to Alex’s.

He was digging in the ground and he was screaming and it was silent and Hannah’s eyes on him were the saddest color he’d ever seen.

And then they were brown, not the warm, wonderful kind, but like the dirt all over his hands; and then they were red, and there was blood puddled over a bullet hole in a coffin. And her eyes were empty and black and there was nothing and there was nothing and there was-

Zach had made it almost two hours before he woke up, feeling disoriented and frantic. Alex’s skin was all around him, their arms tangled, their stomachs inches apart. He had one foot between Zach’s ankles and his head was turned into the crook of Zach’s shoulder. Zach took an unsteady breath and slid a hand under Alex’s shirt until he found his boyfriend’s heart. The thump of it was reassuringly even, but Zach couldn’t breathe. And then he was crying, and Alex was awake, a crease of concern and confusion between his eyebrows as he looked at Zach. Alex’s arms tightened around him, both of them, though Zach could feel the left trembling with the exertion the gesture took.

He’d cried more in the last two days than he had in many, many months.

“I don’t know about you,” Alex said when some time had passed like that, Zach’s tears and their bodies so close together, “but I’m wide awake now.”

His voice was both wry and kind, and Zach smiled despite himself.

“Definitely.”

His eyes were wet and so was the shoulder of Alex’s t-shirt, but the tears had stopped falling, and his chest didn’t hurt so much anymore.

And Alex’s shirt was an easy enough fix.

Zach tugged on it questioningly, and, simple as that, Alex let Zach pull it up over his head, toss it off to the side somewhere in the vicinity of his desk. Zach’s own shirt wasn’t so much as sweat damp, but fair was fair, so he yanked it off and threw it some direction or other anyway.

Alex’s mouth attached itself to the base of Zach’s neck, all open mouthed kisses and painfully soft teeth scraping over skin, then moved up his throat, across his jaw, and finally kissed him directly. Zach felt himself moan into Alex’s mouth and bit lightly on his boyfriend’s bottom lip in hopes of eliciting a similar response. Alex  pulled him in impossibly closer, and Zach felt his nails dig into the skin over Alex’s heart. It was thumping faster now, and the sensation went from beneath Zach’s fingertips into his veins into his own heart. Zach pulled on Alex’s hair with his free hand, then clenched it around the back of neck. Alex’s body was searing against his, still flushed with some heady combination of sleepiness and want.

Zach could only imagine what he looked like. His face was probably that weird type of splotchy pale-but-not-pale from crying, his eyes dark from shitty sleep and lust, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Alex obviously didn’t.

He shifted, pulling on Alex more, like if he could just touch enough, if he could just hold on hard enough, maybe he could make himself forget what it was like to envision a world that didn’t have this boy in it.

The air felt suddenly sticky and claustrophobic.

Zach’s fingers had brushed over the scar on his boyfriend’s head, and with it came screaming back the nightmare. He grunted and pulled back, clenching his hand into a fist. Alex’s heartbeat disappeared for a second as he scooted back, and Zach heard him apologizing though he couldn’t really understand why. He took one of Alex’s hands and turned it so it rested palm up on his thigh. Alex was quiet, watching. Zach ran a finger down from the crook of elbow to the inside of wrist, tracing unmarked skin to pulsepoint, then let two fingers track his boyfriend’s pulse for a moment.

Alex was here with him, real and alive and not going anywhere. Not as long as Zach had anything to say about it and not as long as next to Zach was where Alex wanted to be.

Zach drew a deep breath and heard how it seemed less inhale and more shudder. He could fix that.

Alex looked scared.

The panic faded as swiftly as it had come. Zach reached out for his boyfriend. He held his face, kissed him soundly, then let his forehead rest against Alex’s. For a solid minute, they just lay like that, bodies close, breathing together.

“Should probably brush my teeth and take a quick shower or something,” Alex said. “Isn’t it a little early in our relationship for morning breath?”

Zach grinned and nudged his shoulder into Alex’s. The world had slowed down to just them again.

“Yeah, you better go get cleaned up before I find another hot weirdo to fool around with.”

“Pretty sure Clay’s still single,” Alex retorted. “And Tyler. Maybe Chloe, or is she too blonde?”

“I don’t mind blonde,” Zach said easily. “I didn’t with you. And there’s at least a couple girls I’ve hooked up with...”

Alex looked unimpressed.

“Spare me the list for now, okay? It’s still early.”

Zach laughed, though for the first time that morning he felt almost awkward and like maybe he needed to defend himself.

“It’s not really a list,” he said.

Alex stared back at him, a little amused, mostly incredulous.

“Two names is a list. You definitely have more than that.”

“Yeah, well,” Zach went to continue on but found he had nothing. It was a fair point, besides being so not a rabbit hole he wanted to go down anytime soon, let alone today.

Alex raised his eyebrow kind of like he was waiting for Zach to go on, though; so he did.

“I only ever slept with Hannah and Lucy. And once with Allison, kind of.”

Alex squinted at him.

“What part of ‘spare me’ confused you, dude? The ‘spare’ or the ‘me’?”

“Uh?” he honestly wasn’t sure. “Lucy was blonde, I’m pretty sure,” Zach told Alex instead.

“Oh my God, Zach,” but Alex was laughing and then he was limping over and pulling Zach into another kiss, hot and strong and far too short, and putting his head against Zach’s shoulder as he laughed some more.

Alex took to the bathroom to get ready a minute later, and Zach took to his desk chair, pulling up the forecast once more, then the group message chain, and finally his email. He’d never actually checked it last night, opting instead to crash almost as soon as he’d gotten home.

Early, Alex had said. It was a quarter to eleven already, shit.

Zach was so busy yawning he almost missed the email and had to scroll back up to make sure he’d read correctly. Peter Standall. He’d finally replied?

Zach swallowed, thumb hovering over the message, then shook his head, starred the email to reference later, and scrolled back to the top of his inbox to make sure he hadn’t missed anything else that would be easier to deal with. Nada.

Zach hadn’t actually told Alex he was reaching out to his brother, had he? It was before things were official between them, before he’d had so much as a clue what he was doing.

Not that he really seemed to have one now.

Alex’s bathroom door opened, and then he was there with just a towel low on his hips and his damp, dark hair sticking up all over his head, and Zach had been thinking real thoughts hadn’t he? Like… Alex’s natural hair really was nice, and man, Zach hadn’t actually been paying attention to any morning breath or whatever Alex had joked about before, but the fresh, clean smell of his soap rolling like steam from the bathroom made Zach’s mouth go dry and his stomach knot up with want.

Alex’s eyes met his, blue and bright as ever, and Zach heard himself groan a lot louder than he really had any business being.

What the hell was he supposed to do, though? It was like he’d somehow teleported into the porn dimension, where boyfriends just walked up in nothing but a towel and then-

Alex cleared his throat, red high on his cheeks and his smile unusually self-satisfied.

“You’re going to need to go. Like, out there,” he gestured at his door.

“Is that what you want?”

He really didn’t mean for his voice to be that low and suggestive.

Alex grinned at him, but there was an edge to it. Like he was anxious about something.

Zach promptly stood and headed for the door, taking care to make sure he didn’t seem frustrated or anything. What did he think this was, _Zach and Alex Make a Porno_?

Alex leaned unexpectedly against him as he went to pass, and his smile was more relaxed now, but also kind of rueful.

“It’s just if you stayed in here I’d probably have kissed you and, I don’t know, sat on top of you in that chair and…” Alex breathed in sharply, and Zach could only imagine how that sentence ended. “Anyway, it’s probably a bad idea to blow off your plan just to screw around. Especially on an empty stomach.”

“You need food with your meds, right?” Zach asked.

If he’d been looking for a solid mood-killer, that definitely did the trick. Alex pulled a face, then turned away from him, seizing his cane roughly from beside his dresser.

“You probably want your shirt,” he called over his shoulder, then limped to it and a second later had hurled it Zach’s direction, barely sparing a glance as Zach lunged forward to catch it.

Fortunately, if there was any way back into Alex’s good graces, it was definitely through junk food.

“This isn’t the way to Monet’s,” Alex pointed out, looking sideways at Zach.

They were in Zach’s car, music already going but turned down low enough to talk over.  Alex had apologized before they were even outside, though Zach wasn’t really sure he’d needed to. It wasn’t like he’d started cussing or anything, and there was definitely no reason to feel bad for not throwing well- a skill Alex had basically never possessed as far as Zach knew.

“You’re right.”

“Are you actually going to McDonalds with me?” Alex perked up, staring at Zach. “There’s no way in hell. I mean, I’d like it, but-”

“No way in hell,” Zach confirmed. There was a lot he’d do for Alex but not that.

Alex didn’t bother trying to look disappointed. Mercifully, he knew Zach better than to have believed it was a real possibility.

“Ice cream’s a good breakfast, though, right?”

“Waffle cones,” Alex replied after a moment. “Definitely works.”

They went to the ice cream place just a block or so down from the boardwalk, perfect considering Zach’s plan for the rest of the day. It was very pointedly not the parlor he’d been to so many times that summer with Hannah, but one of those ancient, locally-owned places with virtually no space inside to order, let alone to eat. They’d installed a drive-thru probably five years ago, just long enough for it to look about as aged as the rest of the joint, and there were an assortment of stone tables scattered to one side of the building, a couple more recent ones stretching along the perimeter. Zach and May used to come here all the time when May was more kid than teen- then less often as she grew old enough to be really, really adamant about eating inside and away from the barrage of fruit flies, gnats, and mosquitoes.

They pretty much always closed after the end of October, so this was prime timing.

“They have coffee too,” was Alex’s first observation. “How haven’t we been here before?”

Probably because the last time Zach had gone was with May and his dad about two weeks before his dad died. May had whined the whole time. Zach had spent at least half their time texting about his plans with the guys for the rest of the day. Dad had been more frustrated than usual, telling them on the drive home that it was the last time he’d be taking them out for ice cream if they didn’t adjust their attitudes. Zach could still remember how he’d scoffed at that.

Zach thought maybe his dad would be glad he’d come back, glad he had Alex, and glad he had no interest now in making the same dumbass plans with the same dumbass people instead of focusing on who he was with in the moment. He’d learned, or he was trying to.

Once they’d ordered, Alex made his way over to a table, a small one close to the building, while Zach waited and watched him. There was no-one around to care how often Zach looked at Alex, no need to even try to be inconspicuous on a late Tuesday morning, and he was going to relish the chance to relax as many of his defenses as he could.

Alex had left his jacket in the car at Zach’s suggestion, considering the day felt even warmer than expected and he had on a long sleeve shirt anyway, but he had his elbows tucked against his ribcage like he was cold. He caught Zach’s eyes on him and relaxed minutely, nodded toward the view of the boardwalk and the water stretched out beyond it. Zach got the ice cream and large iced coffee and headed over to his boyfriend, dropping right next to him and sitting close.

“If you’re cold, this might not have been the best decision.”

Alex shook his head, taking his ice cream and looking around quickly before tilting his head a little to rest against Zach’s shoulder.

“I’ll live. The ice cream’s worth it. Besides, you’re like a personal heater.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm. That’s, like, half of the appeal.”

Zach shook his head and stole a drink of Alex’s coffee. It was some kind of salted caramel concoction Zach hadn’t even realized was on the menu. And on second thought, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Alex just had some insane power over anyone that made drinks where they’d willingly experiment and go the extra mile to try and impress him.

God forbid he ever went to an actual bar.

“What’s the other half?” he asked, and Alex shook his head.

“Not answering that. Way too cheesy. Anyway, you know.”

All Zach knew was if Alex had been hoping to avoid real sentiment he was in the wrong company today. Then again, Alex was leaning into him, and he was smiling, and he was right- Zach did know. Or he had a good idea, at least.

Alex was staring at the coffee, swirling its contents idly with a far-away look on his face. Zach squeezed his knee gently, and Alex refocused on him.

“Your mom said you didn’t sleep well?” he remembered.

Alex shrugged on one side, looking down at their feet beneath the table. Zach hooked his ankle under Alex’s.

“I’ve slept worse,” he said, a brush off if Zach had ever heard one. “It was nothing compared to your nightmare earlier. I’m guessing that’s what that was anyway.”

Zach hesitated, took a too-large bite of his ice cream and held it in his mouth until the pang of the cold melted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Alex swallowed some of his own ice cream and seemed to examine the swirl of the soft serve closely.

“Do you?”

Not really. Then again, maybe he needed to.

“Hannah was alive,” he said, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Alex. “And she was all scarred up and talking about how you’d died. Like you guys had switched places.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a minute, then: “Wasn’t it better?”

Zach stared at him, and Alex closed his eyes, tilted his head back. The sun cast down, setting his profile aglow.

“It wasn’t,” Zach said firmly. There was an undertone of anger he couldn’t stop from seeping into the words. Anger at the question, at the concept. At the fact that either of them had even thought about it.

Alex sighed and looked over at him.

“In my dream, it was,” he confided.

Zach didn’t know what to say to that, where to begin, so he set down his ice cream and hugged Alex tightly instead.

They stayed like that, just holding onto each other, for what felt like a long time.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“I could always carry you if you get too tired,” Zach told Alex when his face pinched at the notion of leaving the car where it was.

Alex laughed humorlessly.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Very subtle.”

“You know we can stop as much as we need to. It’s really not that far.”

“Maybe I’m just worried about your self-esteem if you can’t keep up with me. You ever think of that?”

Zach grinned.

“Then I guess I’ll have a lot to talk about with Singh the next time I see her.”

Alex groaned, but he was also kind of smiling again now. It was progress, at least.

“Fine,” he relented. “You win. But you’re not carrying me down the fucking boardwalk.”

“Alright, alright. That’s fair,” Zach told him, snickering, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

Alex rolled his eyes, but when Zach entwined their fingers he didn’t complain or pull away.

Walking while holding hands and taking into account Alex’s cane was trickier than Zach had expected. He had to be extra mindful about his pace so as not to trip his boyfriend or himself up. It had been something like ten minutes, and, honestly, Zach thought he was doing a pretty good job of it, all things considered. But then, of course, Alex made a soft, frustrated noise, one he’d made a couple times already, as his fingers twitched in Zach’s of their own accord, and Zach forced himself to pause and reevaluate. He dropped Alex’s hand in exchange for putting his arm around his waist, gratified when his boyfriend automatically moved into step with him. This was a little more familiar, a little easier to strike a balance with.

And, really, it was just as nice. The contact was all Zach really wanted.

“What are we doing down here anyway?”

Zach gestured vaguely ahead of them, and Alex grumbled under his breath but didn’t ask again. As they walked on, their silence was complete, but also comfortable, companionable.

The sun was high overhead, scattered clouds doing little to diminish its rays. Around them, the path was more empty than not, their company amounting to the occasional middle aged jogger and pairs of senior citizens power walking. Some moms were pushing strollers or trying to direct hyperactive toddlers. No-one close to their age or that even cared enough about them to spare a second glance.

"The docks?” Alex asked as Zach slowed, taking in the view, the memories it brought.

Zach tightened his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, glancing around more out of habit than anything else before letting his fingers dip just beneath the hem of Alex’s shirt, pressing into the skin over his hipbone a tiny bit harder than he might normally. Alex made a little sound in the back of his throat and leaned in closer to Zach but otherwise didn’t react as Zach guided him out toward the port.

“We sitting or something?”

“Yeah,” Zach told him. His voice was low, its volume scattered by the gentle breeze.

Alex let go of his cane, allowing Zach to support what weight he couldn’t hold himself. It wasn’t something he did often outside of PT sessions when he absolutely had to. The trust implicit in that gesture loosened some of the tension building in Zach’s muscles, smoothed out the knot that had been beginning to form in his chest.

His hand rose further under Alex’s shirt, brushed over part of his stomach up to his side, bracing Alex with fingers an inch below the bottom of his ribcage as he eased them down together, careful to avoid where Alex’s cane stood behind them, about a foot from the dock’s edge.

“It’s beautiful here,” Alex said quietly after a minute.

Zach was so grateful for how he could tell Alex was a little puzzled but mostly just taking Zach’s choice of location for what it was, trusting Zach to have his reasons.

In front of them, the water was shimmering, little divots in its surface slipping away almost as quickly as they formed. The sun was reflecting gold in the horizon, the sky a canvas of yellow, pink, white, and blue. Zach realized his hand was still wrapped around Alex’s side and let it fall slowly until all but two of his fingers were splayed over the top of Alex’s jeans, the ones remaining still holding firmly to the skin just underneath his shirt.

“You don’t think anyone will see?” Alex murmured after a minute. The question sounded half-hearted, if that, and almost a little drowsy with comfort. They were pressed so close together. Zach thought that was pretty much his favorite place to be anymore, at Alex’s side.

“I don’t think so,” Zach mused, letting his head tilt to touch Alex’s briefly. Then, he pulled back, swallowed, looked again out at the horizon, the endless stretch of water. “No-one important. I don’t care today anyway.”

“Okay.”

At the lack of argument, Zach held him minutely tighter, turned and pressed his lips tenderly to Alex’s temple.

“The only other person I ever really brought here was Hannah,” Zach said after a beat.  

He only noticed the reaction because he was right there, could feel how Alex stiffened just a little, pulled back slightly. But he didn’t try to leave or yell or ask any questions.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered after a moment, barely audible, and Zach wasn’t really sure who the apology was for, him or Hannah or them both. Maybe the line where water and sky seemed to meet, that place just beyond the reach of comprehension where forever seemed to live. The suggestion of something greater.

Zach took his hand from Alex’s side and reached instead for where his hand was trembling against the wood.

“How’s your leg doing?”

“It’s fine,” Alex said airily, then amended, “Maybe a little sore. That was a good walk from your car to here, liar.”

“Gotta get that PT in.”

“...Right. Twisted physical therapy exercises aside, though, I’m okay I think. What about you? Are you alright?”

Zach looked at Alex sideways, smiled despite himself.

“I thought I might not be but yeah. I’m... good, actually.”

“All things considered?”

“All things considered,” Zach acknowledged, squeezing Alex’s hand. “So, how would you feel about a little more walking?”

“I don’t know, man. Are we going to wander around an abandoned shipyard or something next?”

Zach laughed. God, it was nice to feel so light.

“That’s our next date,” he told Alex, bumping their shoulders. “Actually, there’s one of those lame old-school arcade places about a block and half over. It’s pretty run down and only like a third of the machines work but…”

Alex was grinning when he looked over, the sun against the blue of his eyes like Zach was still looking into the stretch of water, cerulean and gold and endless possibility.

“Hell yes. Now?”

“Yeah,” Zach told him. “Come on, I got you.”

“Don’t get too handsy,” Alex teased. “Save it for the arcade, Dempsey.”

“If we’re the only ones in there,” Zach let the words trail off suggestively, and Alex smirked at him.

“I’ve gotten pretty good at handling a joystick even with just the one side that works right,” Alex said offhandedly as Zach helped him stand.

Zach snorted loudly, pulled Alex hard against him.

“You really sure you don’t want me to carry you there? It’d probably be faster.”

“Fuck off,” Alex said, shaking his head. His eyes were warm, lips twisted up like he was trying to suppress a grin.

Zach put his arm around Alex again and took one more long look around them at the docks and the ships and the bobbing water.

“You ready?” Alex asked.

He thought he was.

“Let’s go.”

He imagined Hannah watching from the end of the dock as he walked away with Alex. He thought she’d be sad, maybe, a little- but she’d also be smiling.

Zach hadn’t been to the arcade since he was ten, and it had been in pretty rundown shape then. Now, it was a little different, patched up in some places and all but falling apart in others. Mostly, it just looked like someone had tried to take it over, remodel and modernize, but decided the project wasn’t worth the effort after all and ditched out before they were even  halfway through. There was a mural of characters on one of the exterior walls, a bunch of the classics (Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Samus, Ms. Pac Man, etc.), along with what looked like tags of newer or more controversial characters, only some of whom Zach recognized (the dude from the Vice Grand Theft Auto game, Ashe from Overwatch, what Zach was pretty sure was supposed to be one of the Black Ops zombies, even Lara Croft). Impressively, the graffiti characters looked more put together than the classics by now.

Hell, all the peeling paint had made it nearly impossible to distinguish Luigi from a mushroom or Kirby from the poof of Princess Peach’s dress.

“Kind of looks like she’s pregnant,” Alex observed, nodding his head at the pink and yellow mess. “And baby Kirby’s about to crown.”

“That’s disgusting,” Zach told him.

“No shit. It’s the miracle of life. Of course it’s disgusting.”

Zach grinned.

“You know, I was there when May was born.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m not lying. Dad was trying to get back from a conference and got stuck in traffic, and he told me to take care of my mom. So I stayed in the delivery room with her. My grandparents were there, too, in case things went wrong or whatever, but the doctor had me help cut the cord and everything.”

Alex was shaking his head, looking kind of amazed.

“That’s so weird. I can’t imagine doing that.”

“Probably because in your family you’re the younger sibling.”

Zach swallowed and went to the wall, leaning against it. Alex followed, eyes moving from Zach to the outlines of characters and back again.

“You know, my mom didn’t want me to be,” Alex said after a minute, “She was actually pregnant a few times when I was little, but she kept miscarrying I guess. Eventually, my parents just decided it wasn’t meant to be.”

He was avoiding Zach’s eyes entirely now, his face closed off in a way it hadn’t been all day.

“For a while,” Alex continued, so softly Zach had to inch closer to be sure what he was saying, so softly Zach wasn’t sure he meant to tell this story aloud in the first place, “when I was like nine or ten, I thought they should have gotten to have one of the other babies instead of me. Like they’d have been happier with someone else and God or whatever the fuck had made a mistake letting me be the one to make it.”

“Well, I’m really glad you’re here,” Zach offered quietly, reaching out and taking hold of Alex’s hand.

They were words like rocks that he’d been carrying around with him all day. All year, actually. The rest went unsaid, but he thought maybe they were both remembering their dreams again and hearing it just the same.

_Even if Hannah’s not._

_Even if we both wish she was_.

No matter who else was or wasn’t, he was happy that Alex could be here. And happy he was, too.

Alex let his head roll back against the wall, then turned to face Zach with a wry almost-smile.

“So, do you actually know this place is open? Because it kind of looks condemned.”

Zach laughed loudly, far louder than he’d planned. He hadn’t checked, actually, but he was pretty sure the lights were on and there was a car in the parking lot.

“Let’s go check.”

It was, indeed, still open, though the inside of the arcade was only slightly less dilapidated than the outside. Most of the games had signs proclaiming them out of order, more than Zach had remembered, and there was a figure perched behind the counter toward the front of the room that looked like the college student version of a mountain man, solid muscle and hair everywhere and precisely zero interest in the presence of customers (or lack thereof). A thick stack of textbooks by the cash register was  being ignored in favor of what looked like one of those manga books May was into.

“Hey,” Zach said slowly. The man waved vaguely without looking up.

“So, can we just do whatever?” Alex asked Zach pointedly. “Seeing as no-one’s really here.”

This got the man’s attention, albeit barely.

“No sex on the machines. Most are coin operated if you actually want to play. Mario you just have to give it a good wack. Same with the claw machine by the party room. Otherwise, do what you want and know that if you try to rob this place, there’s nothing worth taking, and I will stomp your faces in. If you want to talk, please turn on music so I don’t have to listen.”  

And then he was turning the page in whatever he was reading, once more acting as if they didn’t exist.

“Shit,” Alex said. “I was really hoping to lose my virginity here.”

“Too bad about the sex rule,” Zach agreed, elbowing him conspiratorially.

“I don’t care as long as it’s in the party room,” mountain man advised them drolly. “Fair warning, though: the last time the floor in there was cleaned was probably before I was born.”

“Gross,” Zach muttered, and Alex laughed at him all the way back to the fucked up claw machine.

They each “won” about three dusty stuffed animals and a couple random knick-knacks before ditching that in favor of donkey kong, soon followed by a racing game, and then some classic air hockey. Alex was losing badly, but they’d basically abandoned any real rules in the last thirty minutes or so and settled instead for seeing who could pull the most ridiculous play to get the puck into the other person’s side of the table. The guy up front, true to his word, didn’t so much as glance up when Alex managed to send the puck flying behind his counter, indifferent even as Zach rummaged around the so-called “employees only” space.

By now, Alex was struggling a little more, though, so when Zach had finally made his triumphant return with the puck, he put it in his own goal and insisted they go into the party room for a break. Alex put up remarkably little fight, even for it being just the two of them.

Inside the party-room, there was a sizable pool table on one side of the space, a few beaten up bean bag chairs piled around it. Another big table Zach assumed was probably meant for kids’ birthdays was folded against the wall, chairs stacked up at its side.

“I was kidding about the sex,” Alex said. “Today anyway.”

“No shit,” Zach retorted, and gestured to the pool table.

Alex simply stared at him. He was leaning on his cane hard.

“Zach, words are good.”

“It looks pretty solid, right?” Zach kicked at the base of it and the thing didn’t budge. “Get your mind out of the gutter, man. We’re just gonna sit on it for a while. Listen to music. Cool off.”

“This is such a bad idea,” Alex said, but he was obviously trying not to smile, and he was obviously going to go along with it anyway. “How are we even doing this?”

“Seriously?”

Zach gave Alex a lift up onto the lip of the table, maybe letting his hands linger a beat or so longer than was strictly necessary, then hopped up himself. The space was even smaller than he’d anticipated but Zach stretched out his legs as best he could, pulling out his phone.

“How much you wanna bet my battery’s higher than yours?”

“Nothing,” Alex retorted. He was still balanced a little precariously with his legs over the side of the table, his stronger hand gripped around the edge. “I know it is.”

“You know, you could probably lie down on this thing.”

“How many people do you think have had sex on this?”

Zach looked at the table critically.

“Like actually on top of it or against it?”

Alex shook his head but reached for Zach’s hand and maneuvered slowly closer until he could lean against Zach’s knee. Zach had been going to try to find a good playlist or something, but considering how Alex was looking more and more exhausted, Zach settled instead for throwing his library on shuffle and pointedly pulling his boyfriend in closer.

Zach remembered what it had been like to hold Hannah on the pier, standing with his arms encircling her body like it was something precious. Like she was something precious. He let the memory come of her dark hair, the way she smelled and smiled and touched him like he was something slightly baffling but maybe precious too. He’d treated her like she meant nothing as soon as other people entered the picture, and the way she’d looked at him had changed then, but first had come a closeness and care he’d never felt for anyone else before or after.

Until Alex.

And it wasn’t the same, but it was.

“You can talk about her, you know,” Alex said. “I won’t break or anything.”

Zach remembered being in Hannah’s room, reading with her, touching her, trading smiles with her. He remembered kissing her behind the movie theater. He remembered betraying her inside it.

“She was my friend,” Alex said.

Zach remembered seeing them in the halls about a month into the sophomore school year, talking and laughing. He’d stared until Bryce’s shoulder hit his, chuckling along with the “ _Fuck, I get it. That Baker chick is hard not to stare at, isn’t she?  Her ass is anyway._ ”

“ _Between that and the neon faggot hair it’s hard to know where to look,_ ” Monty had joked and the guys had all laughed and horsed around and talked shit until the bell rang.  

“Actually,” Zach said slowly, “could you tell me about that?”

“About being friends with her?” Zach could practically hear his eyebrows raise.

“Yeah. Just, pretty much everyone else that was friends with her was, like, into her I guess or trying to get with her at least, other than Tony and Ryan, and I can’t really talk to them. It’d be weird.”

“Not really. Tony’s not that bad and Ryan’s annoying and pretentious, but he’s pretty funny. Anyway, you forgot Jess,” Alex pointed out.

“No, that’d just be weirder. Talking about my kind of ex with my boyfriend’s ex.”

“Point taken.”

Alex shifted a little, reclined against Zach a bit more. Zach let his cheek rest against the top of his boyfriend’s hair.

And then, pensive but obliging. Alex began to talk about his friendship with Hannah, telling Zach about endless texting and sending dumb memes and videos. About the truth or dare game where Hannah had taken him aside to make sure her so-called “bi-dar” was right about him and he was ok to talk about it if it came up (because of course she and Jess both had just assumed he was bi, but kept that knowledge between the three of them when he’d asked).

Alex told him about shitty horror movie marathons spent mocking the dialogue and effects and speculating wildly and ridiculously about the theme and symbolism. Monet’s after school with coffee and venting and solidarity. Jess had apparently tried to help them both with math, and Hannah tried to help Alex and Jess in turn with their English papers, while Alex talked Hannah through history and they both tried to help Jessica with her assigned reading. Mostly, they’d talked about nothing and everything, joked around a lot. The girls had come up with dumb dances and they’d all made food together (and as often burned it).

Gradually, the stories came fewer and further apart, the music taking up the mantle of filling the silence. Alex’s head was heavy and warm against Zach’s chest, and Zach saw his eyes close. He stayed very still, thinking about Hannah and about the side of her Alex had gotten to know that Zach hadn’t and about how much he wished he knew what she would say and do if she were still alive and he and Alex were together.

Alex stirred within maybe just five minutes or so, shaking his head against Zach and rubbing hard over his eyes.

“How much longer do we have until we have to meet up with everyone else?” he asked, the words half stuck in a yawn. “Please tell me I didn’t actually fall asleep.”

He looked and felt in Zach’s arms as if he still might, regardless of the skeevy setting; honestly, Zach was more and more right there with him, although it was really the last thing he wanted to do at the moment.

Zach glanced at the time reluctantly. He had mixed feelings about meeting up with everyone else, but he was starving, too, so…

“We’ve got like an hour before we need to head there. How are you doing?”

“Uh,” Alex frowned and forced himself upright. “Resting helped, but I think I need to get off this table. Could you give me a hand down? Is there anything else you wanted to do before we left?”

Zach hopped down and turned, pulling Alex forward and then bracing his hands against Alex’s waist. A slower song had come on, the one he’d heard in his car the other day, and there was an image he couldn’t get out of his head.

“Would it be totally lame if I wanted to dance?”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Totally.” Then: “Do you want to? You know how bad I am at it.”

Zach leaned forward and buried his head against the crook of Alex’s shoulder.

“It was pretty nice last time,” he said quietly against his boyfriend’s neck. “When we were dancing in your room. But then we went to the dance and you were with Jess- and shit, I was so fucking jealous.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Zach told him, one hand coming up to rest against the side of his face. “I wasn’t sure why, but I really wanted to be the one with you. I really wanted to dance together again.”

“That’s kind of nuts,” Alex murmured. Zach could feel the dimple in his cheek. “Fuck.” Alex paused and let out a shaky breath. Zach could feel his heart hammering, though he had no idea why or what Alex was really thinking. “We’ve got some time to kill. Let’s do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Zach helped Alex down from the table, looking around. There was more than enough space for them, certainly more than there had been in Alex’s room. On a whim he went and flicked the light switch. There was the smallest bit of sunlight shining in through the blinds and the colored fluorescent glow of all the arcade games filtering in from the doorway. Alex was watching him, something both guarded and fiercely vulnerable in his eyes. Zach imagined he might look about the same.

He restarted the song, then went to Alex, and Alex leaned in, put his hands on Zach’s waist. Blue and red and white light flickered against the wall. Zach held him, one hand on Alex’s shoulder, one splayed over his hip. They were closer than they’d been the last time they’d done this. Alex moved with him, looked up at Zach. Zach couldn’t look away. His throat was dry, but he could feel himself smiling.

This part right here was just theirs. It was just about them.

Zach pulled Alex in closer, and Alex made a joke under his breath about how it wasn’t really dancing if he couldn’t move.

It was enough.

He wasn’t sure how long they danced. Like this, it was hard to think about time or about going anywhere or about what day it was. When they stopped, though, three songs had passed. Zach had barely heard any of them.

“You’re going to need to take all of those,” Alex told Zach, gesturing at the pile of their winnings from the day. Zach grinned and threw one of the bears at Alex, cheering in surprise when Alex managed to catch it, only to have it hit his arm a moment later.

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring the car,” Alex said.

“Yeah. That was...maybe not my best idea. But we could use the exercise, right?”

Alex’s skepticism was all over his face.

“I can walk and drive back to get you,” Zach suggested, and Alex rolled his eyes.

“No way,” he told Zach. “I can handle it.”

“You just don’t want to be alone with Reggie,” Zach teased him.

“You’re right, I don’t. You’re the better company. Barely.”

They started walking, and then Alex stopped beside the claw machine and said, “Wait, Reggie?”

“It’s Reginald,” the man called out. “And you two better have used a condom. Safe sex is the only sex, do you hear me?”

“This may be my new favorite place,” Alex mused.

They spent most of the trek back to Zach’s car laughing.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“There you guys are,” Courtney yelled across the parking lot. “Come on!”

“Here we go,” Alex said quietly, and Zach smiled at him, bumping their arms in what he hoped was a pretty casual way.

The group was gathered on and around Clay’s car like it was actually his bedroom, Sheri and Jess up on the hood, Clay between Tony and Justin with his arms crossed over his chest and an almost chastised look on his face. Ryan was in the passenger seat of the car, one arm hanging out the window. Courtney stood close to him.

“I thought you guys were headed here a while ago,” Clay said as they came closer, his voice a little reproachful.

“Yeah, we took a detour,” Alex told them. His own voice held a note of apology. “We ended up stopping at the cemetery to see Hannah’s grave.”

“We were going to wait, but then thought it would be better to do it before sunset,” Zach added.

It looked like Clay was about to say something more angry, but Alex elaborated before he had the chance.

“It’s a lot easier to trip in the dark, with the cane and all.”

“Oh. Yeah, that, uh, makes sense. I kind of figured we’d go after dinner, but I didn’t think of that.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Sorry.” And he looked down and kind of scuffed one shoe against the ground.

Zach had to press his lips together to avoid laughing. He suspected he wasn’t the only one. Jess’s dark curls were in her face, but he could see something of a smile.

“Don’t be,” Clay told Alex awkwardly, then looked around at everyone. “Uh, everyone good to go in now? I’m really fucking hungry.”

They’d gone not to Monet’s but to one of Hannah’s favorite restaurants, some insane Asian fusion place Zach had heard several disparaging remarks from his mom about. He’d had the california rolls once before and found them surprisingly good, though most of the “Chinese” side of things was lukewarm, lackluster, and, of course, largely inaccurate to what the actual cuisine should be.

“What the hell is that on your neck?” Justin asked as they sat down.

Alex was across from Zach, Clay and Justin on either side of him, innocently busying himself with extracting chop-sticks from their wrapper. From next to Zach, Jess leaned into his space and pulled on the collar of his shirt, grinning wolfishly.

“That is a big-ass, hickey, Zach.”

“Did you have that last night?”

Justin reached across the table toward him, and Zach smacked his hand away. Justin promptly turned on Alex.

“Did he go see church girl today? How long were you actually with him?”

“Church-girl?” Alex repeated, nose kind of wrinkled.

“I don’t actually know if she’s from his church, but Zach’s definitely been seeing someone and not telling us.”

“What,” Clay said, eyes narrowed on Zach, “one secret relationship didn’t teach you anything?”

“I did it,” Alex told them.

Ryan choked on his water and muttered, “Oh, this is going to be good.”

Zach sent a glare his direction, then looked back at Alex questioningly. His heart was pounding hard, and all he could think was _what the fuck?_ Alex shrugged.

There was silence, then: “Jesus, Standall, like we’d buy that. You don’t need to cover for him.”

Alex put up one hand and shoulder in a kind of mock surrender.

“Don’t go Inquisition on him then, and I won’t.”

Silence reigned for another minute. Zach held his breath, and Alex twirled one chopstick around experimentally like it was a drumstick.

“Fine. Consider the subject dropped,” Justin said finally. The look he shot Zach said it would be picked back up later, but Zach couldn’t care less for now.

The rest of the table kind of muttered their agreement, shooting Zach suspicious looks but switching to talk of what they’d done over the course of the day and what they wanted to eat.

A couple minutes later, his phone buzzed on the table. Alex had texted him. Zach looked at him, and Alex tapped his own phone with one finger, expression blank, eyes warm. Zach unlocked his phone, curious, expectant. He thought maybe it would be an explanation of what the hell had just happened, and, well, it kind of was.

 **Alex** _I’ve got your back. Talk more tomorrow. ❤️_

Zach was smiling despite himself.

 **Zach** _Apparently you’ve got my neck too_

 **Zach** _kinda hot but maybe warn me next time_

He finished sending his replies and saw he had a message from Mom, the preview of it showing a single sentence about remembering his curfew. Rather than answer, Zach flipped his phone upside down on the table and stole Justin’s chopsticks from his plate, taking the wrapper off and balling it up to throw at his best friend.

The rest of the night was lighter than he’d expected, and it was everything he’d needed.

He thought even Hannah would have been impressed.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“Mom’s asleep,” May greeted Zach when he got to his room.

She was sitting on his bed, much as their mom had the previous night.

“Did you have fun with Alex?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Even with all the sadness today, he couldn’t deny that he had. It had actually been pretty great all around.

Zach went and sat on his bed about a foot from his sister, pulling off his shoes. He was confused but tried not to let it show on his face.

“Is everything okay? Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, be in bed?” he asked after a moment.

May was looking past the picture on his desk at where his computer’s screensaver was playing. He’d switched it to a picture slideshow back in August, a combination of family photos and pictures from various sporting events and a bunch of ones of his friends. Right now, it was Alex at the concert they’d gone to for his make-up birthday party. His face was illuminated by the lights from the stage, crinkled up with a wide dimpled grin. Zach was in a corner of the picture as well, smiling as he took the selfie in that huge, embarrassing way he could sometimes

“Yeah,” May said. “He’s pretty cute.”

“I guess,” Zach said slowly. The picture dissolved into one of their whole group at Monet’s after Hannah’s memorial. Zach and Jess were on either side of Alex, crowding him. Everyone was beaming, Hannah’s picture in the background over them.

 “So, are you guys like in love or something?” she asked.

He could tell somewhere past the buzzing in his head that she was trying to sound casual.

“I don’t know,” Zach said eventually. His heart was racing.

“Well, he’s really cute,” she told him. “Even with the cane.”

“May.”

“Mom doesn’t know for sure,” she said, like it was supposed to be a comfort. Maybe also a warning. “You might want to figure out when you’re telling her.”

He guessed he did need to figure that out.

Fuck.

“I love you, Zach.”

May touched his shoulder, then scooted closer and tilted her head to rest against his shoulder.

“Is he worth it if Mom gets mad?” she asked. “That’s the real question.”

It wasn’t, though. A question.

“Definitely.”

“Then, you’ll be okay,” May said, and he could feel her smile.

“It’s not that easy,”Zach said after a moment.

“I know.”

Zach didn’t know how she did, but he was grateful for it, grateful for his sister’s comfort even though he had no idea what to do with it.

“Do you need to go right to bed or can we play a game of chess?” May asked after a minute.

Zach pulled back from her.

“I could stay up for a bit,” he said. “You’re sure Mom’s asleep?”

“She said she had a migraine and was going to take something to help her sleep,” May said with a shrug. “That was at 9:30.”

Okay then. Just some quality time with May. He could do that.

“Let me text Alex,” Zach told her, and it was so strange to say it out loud that way, knowing that she knew what Alex was to him or at least had a good idea of it. “Go get it set up, and I’ll be right down.”

May ran off, and Zach went to his desk and put his head in his hands, taking a second to just breathe and think. Then, he called Alex.

By the time Zach joined his sister downstairs, his head felt clearer. Nothing had been quite what he expected today, but it was okay. He would be okay.

“I’m going first,” May said. “Since you didn’t tell me about your boyfriend.”

“Fine,” Zach said back, rolling his eyes.

He had a feeling she’d be using that a lot with him now.

To his surprise, Zach found he didn’t really mind.

“I’m still going to win,” he told May.

She moved one of her pawns forward and smirked at him.

“We’ll see.” Then- “Hey, does Alex play?”

Zach laughed. He felt so light right now.

“I’ll ask him,” he promised her.

And first thing tomorrow, he would. For now, he had this game and his sister across from him and one less secret on his chest, and he wanted to fully live in that. The rest could come later, and Zach would figure it out with all his people by his side if he needed them.

His sister was right. He’d be fine. Maybe, they all would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote from "Hold Each Other" by A Great Big World. You can find it here (and totally should): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSMb50u78Aw
> 
> It's Chanukah for me, so happy holiday season everyone! I hope you all stay safe and warm <3 This chapter was 40 freaking pages, most of it pretty languid, but things should pick up some next chapter. Thank you for all your continued love and feedback; it means the world to me. For what it's worth, the slow dance scene I originally envisioned as being to "Downtown" (the song played over the canon dance scene) but have since found a few songs I thought would be great for it, so I tried to keep it vague and I'm hoping you all could imagine whatever worked best for you. The dock scene (and the plan to have them dance at the arcade) was actually one of the very first things I wrote for this- before even the first chapter- and I only edited a smidgeon to make sure it fit with the surrounding material. Anyway, I'm basically not leaving tumblr until it legitimately dies or I do, so my lame as fuck general blog is still around for anyone that wants to reach out (lunalitsol). This is one of my favorite chapters, so I hope your guys enjoyed it. Lots of love and light to you all!!


	8. Unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: mentions of Tyler and surrounding canon; bullying (including physical, verbal, sexual, etc); physical assault; negative self-image and talk; references to Jessica's rape and trial; mentions of Bryce.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 8:** UNSAID

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_“Can’t be my selfish nature, can’t be my sin._

_Are these feelings I long for best left unsaid?_

_You can read me._

_Oh, I know you read me. You get in my head._

_I won’t keep it- I won’t keep it to myself._

_You’ve won again. ”_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

**Zach,**

**Thank you for thinking of me.**

**I’m sorry it took so long for me to write you back. School keeps me really busy but it’s also just hard to think about all this stuff with Alex sometimes, especially when he doesn’t want to talk to me all that much. Can you tell me how he is?  I know there’s a lot of hard days coming up. Our dad told me he’s been talking to that guy Tyler and is insisting on going to some sort of hearing… I don’t know a lot about it, but it seems like a really bad idea. Has he talked to you about this? I know you guys are close and he obviously cares what you think, so idk maybe if you’re also not on board we can all convince him not to go... If you are on board, I’d love to hear why. Honestly I think the next few months are going to be hard enough for him without worrying about this guy, who sounds pretty unstable himself (no offense, idk if you’re also his friend). Im worried as Alex’s older brother about him pushing himself too far or trying to take to much on. My gut is you might feel the same?**

**Anyway let me know. I hope you’re good too. From everything I’ve seen, I’m glad Alex has you. But all of this stuff with him can be a lot to handle so I hope you’re remembering to take care of yourself too dude.**

**Tell Alex to text me or something once in a while, ok? I know that excuse about his thumbs is bullshit.**

**Talk soon.**

**Peter Standall.**

“Hey.”

“Hey!”

Zach blinked rapidly, exiting his email and dropping his phone into his car’s cup holders.

Alex was standing beside the passenger door, smiling slightly, something nervous but bright in his eyes.

“Here,” Zach said, getting out of the car hastily. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. You know it might take me some time but I can figure out getting the door open by myself.”

“Nah. I mean, you could, yeah, but I’ve got it.”

Alex paused, looking at Zach, the car door open behind them and one of his hands resting on it while the other strayed toward Zach. It stopped just shy of Zach’s fingers, and Zach swallowed, let his hand brush Alex’s before jamming it into his pocket.

“What’s going on? You seem weird. Did something happen with your mom?”

Zach gestured for Alex to get in, and after a moment more of waiting for an actual response, he mercifully did. Zach wasn’t sure how to answer, where to begin, what he could actually say. And it wasn’t like now, right before they went to school, was the right time to get into it about the Tyler thing.

Alex looked over at Zach as he climbed back into the car, then down at his lap.

“If it’s about dinner last night, I’m sorry, but I didn’t really think it would be a big deal.”

Last night. Zach mentally flipped through the events of the previous evening and was on the verge of asking what Alex was talking about when it clicked. The hickey. Alex’s nonchalant attempt to claim responsibility.

His chest felt tighter just remembering.

“You didn’t really think it would be a big deal or you just didn’t think?” Zach asked before he could stop himself. Like a dam breaking open.

He couldn’t bring himself to look his boyfriend in the eye but felt Alex staring at him just the same.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re just… You can be so reckless,” Zach said, more to the steering wheel, and the sky, and the phone in his fucking cupholders than actually to Alex. “Do you even think about the consequences of shit you do? Ever? Before you do it, I mean, not just feeling...guilty after.”

He felt simultaneously like he needed to go back home, lay down for a while or something, and like he needed to find a park, go for a run.

Maybe if he ran hard enough, he could make all the worry and agitation that had knotted up in his chest disappear.

“Of course I do, Zach. Look, yesterday, I just thought that I had to talk you into keeping things secret in the first place.” Alex spoke slowly, his words careful, incredulous, and concerned. “And I didn’t want you having to deal with everyone giving you a hard time. Is that really what this is about? I thought… you seemed fine when we talked last night.”

Zach swallowed hard, mouth twisting, but otherwise didn’t respond. The air in his mouth tasted sour.  

“What’s actually wrong?”

Zach blew out a breath, flexing his hands around the steering wheel. He tightened his grip until his nails bit into his palms, then made himself ease up, try to replay what had just happened in his head.

Alex hadn’t done anything other than remind him of what had happened at dinner, and even with that, he was right. Just last night, Zach hadn’t cared about that. But then morning had come and that stupid email had somehow crawled under his skin, mentioning Tyler, mentioning how much stress Alex was already under, how much worse more pressure could make him.

But that wasn’t Alex’s fault, was it?

“Nothing,” he told Alex finally. “Nothing’s wrong.” Then, “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

And it was. Alex’s brother had brought up one of Zach’s biggest worries, one he and Alex _still_ hadn’t sorted through, but that was no excuse to be distant or a jackass.

“It’s fine,” Alex said after another beat of silence.

Neither of them had so much as put the music on.

“It’s not like I haven’t lashed out at you before.”

And man, he felt that, shame churning in his stomach and behind his eyes.  

“You have a TBI,” he said, and because apparently he was bound and determined to be a jerk today, the words came out pointed.

“I wasn’t exactly a bucket of sunshine before I shot myself though,” Alex replied. “Seriously. Look, Zach, you don’t have to tell me what’s up if you really don’t want to, like you can tell me to fuck off for a while and I will, but...”

Zach took another breath, then reached out for Alex.

“I’m not going to tell you to fuck off.”

“Okay.”

“May and I were just up late, so I’m tired, and,” Zach took a second before continuing, aiming to be honest but also to not make anything worse. “I just realized we still haven’t really talked about the Tyler shit. And yesterday was so much better than I thought it would be, but it was still… what it was. I know none of it’s an excuse to be a dick to you though.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, and when Zach looked over at him, his eyes were focused out the window, watching the streets go by. “But I get it.”

Zach went to continue, but no other words would come. He squeezed Alex’s hand, then dropped it, returning his grip to the steering wheel. In the corner of his eye, he saw Alex’s head drop against the window.

Neither of them spoke again until they got to school.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Thank God for football practice.

Zach was on the field. The sun was out and high overhead, leaving a gleam on the grass. Zach’s skin was hot all over, his jersey sticking to his arms. The season would be over soon- the Hillcrest game was in a few weeks and most of the guys were betting on it being the end of their lucky streak.

As long as Zach could find a way to fuck over Bryce on the field, he didn’t especially give a shit. All the more time for basketball, anyway.

Monty was just ahead of Zach, looking back at him periodically with that dumb smirk Zach wouldn’t mind putting his fist through, but at the moment he could barely care.These days they were mostly staying out of one another’s way anyhow. Since the Bryce vs. Montgomery showdown, Zach had taken to eating lunch or breakfast with the guys from the team a couple times a week; when he did, Monty made his shitty comments, but he made them low and from the other side of the table and at a small enough rate that Zach could pretty much pretend they didn’t exist. He suspected the other guys had told Monty off for fucking with Zach too much and driving him away, so he’d been keeping more of a lid on his bullshit. Now, there was no use getting bent about Monty talking the same amount of crap Zach’s direction he did with most anyone else. Especially not when the majority of the other dudes were cool, and it was easy and familiar getting to hang with them.

Zach had the sense that Alex wasn’t really thrilled about his decision (and Clay had outright declared “it’s dumb but it’s your life, so…” before ditching him to talk with Justin and Sheri), but none of the rest of his friends cared all that much if Zach gave the old crew thirty minutes of his time now and again. And Zach had to think that if it was really bothering his boyfriend, he’d hear about it. How many times last year had he exploded over the company Zach kept being what it was? And that was before they were as close as they were now. Before kissing and cuddling and their goddamn dicks were involved.  

Before Alex had taken over so much of his heart.

They were just finishing up a quick scrimmage, Coach’s face more clouded than the sky and his barking criticism giving way more and more to aggravated quiet, when Zach felt a body hit his and went down.

All he could see was grass and cleats and the glare of sunshine. There was a knee on his arm, heavy and bruising.

“What the fuck?” his voice came out muffled and angry. His heart and head were pounding.

“Shit man,” Jamie said. “Total accident. I don’t know what I tripped over. A rock or something.”

A few yards back, Monty was sniggering.

“Whatever,” Zach snapped. “Get the fuck off me, man.”

Jamie rolled away, and Zach forced himself up.

“You boys get back to it or I’ll have you doing suicides for a week,” Coach hollered. “You’ve got five minutes to finish. Dempsey, you good?”

Zach felt his jaw lock, standing roughly and scanning the field once before nodding to Coach. A few of the guys looked entertained but most were just watching. Monty shoved Jamie jokingly, calling him a damn klutz and something else Zach couldn’t hear. There was still an oppressive buzzing in his head, something hot and ugly under his skin.

“It’s amazing Coach can still call them suicides,” Montgomery said once they were in the locker room.

“Yeah, wouldn’t that be triggering?” Chris Martinez took off his helmet and clipped Monty on the shoulder with it. Beside them, Jamie was grinning.

“I don’t know,” Monty said, faux thoughtfully.

“Maybe we should ask an expert,” Jamie chimed in, and Zach could fucking kill them for this routine.

“Zach?” Monty asked. “We’d love your take. Or do you need to take some deep breaths and answer us at lunch?”

Zach was right about to slam his gym locker and then maybe put his fist through Monty’s face for real when Tyrone Hampton’s voice cut in, deep and easy and solid enough to crush a dude if he wanted it to.

“Shut the fuck up, de la Cruz. Man, you still can’t even breathe regular after what Walker did to your nose.”

Tyrone shook his head at Monty, slow and patronizing, lips slightly curled. Beside him, Hector and a couple of the other guys were grinning.

“Yeah, it squeaks almost as much as your mom’s bedsprings,” Hector announced, reaching out and tweaking the tip of Monty’s nose. He pulled back quickly, offering fist bumps to Zach, Tyrone, and Damien, their team’s absurdly tall kicker.

It was a shitty joke, but Zach was laughing. He’d love a framed picture of the look on Monty’s face. Maybe if he took some, he could put together a fucked up photo album of his own.

“Whatever,” Monty said after a moment. His eyes were going between some of the guys and Zach. “I’ll get my revenge on the field, right guys?”

The reminder of their team’s upcoming face-off with Bryce immediately brought on a round of good-natured cheering and jeering and back thumping, and Zach joined in before he could begin thinking about it. This dynamic was his second-nature by now. It had been for most of his life.

It was almost easy to forget the taunts and the knee that had pressed into his arm before and the stupid ass water stunt a month ago. For a moment, Zach’s thoughts were just on beating Bryce. On that singular goal, their team was united, and none of the bullshit felt like it could make a difference.

If Monty and the dipshits he was friends with thought their petty sniping and a bruise or two could get Zach to break and fuck over that goal, they had another thing coming.

Practice had been good, Zach thought as he finished changing. Maybe ninety-percent great, ten percent shit, so it only was fair to focus on the positive and leave behind the rest. What was the harm, right?

Zach’s phone lit up with a few notifications as he headed for class. The group chat with everyone’s thumbs-up affirmation that they were safe and where they were supposed to be, a couple snaps from Justin, and three texts from Alex. Zach opened the ones from Alex before anything else. They were supposed to confirm with each other that they’d gotten to class, as well as note when they were on the way from one place to another.

Of course, the amount any of their friends kept up with the individual check ins was probably sporadic at best- not that any of them would tell Clay that. He’d only just shut up about buddy system improvements in the last week or so.

 **Alex** _Hall_

 **Alex** _In fucking sr class :))_

 **Alex** _Meet in the locker room before PT tonight?_

Zach quickly texted back, smiling a little now at the reminder. Their PT sessions continued to be one of the best parts of his Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  

 **Zach** _Hall. Omw to you_

 **Zach** _And definitely ;)_

 **Alex** _k. See you in a minute._

 **Alex** _And I didn’t mean like that but I guess who knows_

Oh. Probably Alex meant for them to have that conversation they’d been putting off. Zach’s stomach sank like a rock, but he kept going toward Alex’s special resources classroom. It needed to happen. They’d get to the other side. He’d try to apologize for this morning and explain again, better, why Alex’s involvement with Tyler was such a bad idea. They’d be fine.  

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

“So,” Alex said, eyes catching Zach’s and then moving away. “Do you want to talk now or what?”

“Like about Tyler or about this morning?”

“Both, maybe?” Alex suggested. His shirt was still on, shoes off, forearms resting on his exposed knees.

The gym’s locker room looked more red with Alex’s pale skin right there, everything bright and saturated. Zach sighed and went to sit on the bench beside him, so close their thighs and arms brushed.

“And about yesterday, too,” Alex added. His voice was too loud and casual, like he was trying to cover up nervousness.

There was a bubble of guilt in Zach’s gut.

“Yesterday was amazing,” Zach told him. “Seriously.”

He thought he saw a hint of a smile at that before Alex turned and pressed his face into Zach’s shoulder, murmuring, “Exactly,” into the sleeve of Zach’s shirt.

“This morning I was just thinking about the Tyler shit and…”

“I know.”

They were quiet, for a moment focused only on sitting together, on being together.

“About the Tyler thing,” Alex said, and sat up and looked at Zach directly. “I have to go, I’m going, but if you really don’t want to, that’s your choice.”

Zach felt his heart rate pick up.

“You’re going,” he repeated dumbly. “What, like it’s not even a conversation?”

“Um.” Alex’s eyes had darkened minutely. “Not really. I have to be at the hearing. I wrote a letter on his behalf that I’m reading.”

Zach stood quickly, staring.

“You what?”

“Tyler asked me to,” Alex said, his voice going high and hard and defensive.

He asked- when- Oh. The fucking letters.

“You said Tyler only wrote you to tell his side of the story.”

Alex’s face twisted up with guilt of his own.

“I lied,” he said after a moment, eyes on Zach’s. “I thought if I told you, you’d be sure he was trying to manipulate me with his side of things or whatever.”

“Because he is,” Zach exploded. His chest felt like a fucking linebacker was sitting on it or some shit.

What the fuck was Alex thinking? What happened to no secrets?

“I don’t think so,” Alex shot back. “And even if he is, it should be my decision. I’m sick of everyone thinking their opinion fucking matters more than mine.”

“It should,” Zach said roughly. “Not more than yours, but it should fucking matter, Alex.”

“It does,” Alex said, and the anger had gone from his voice like a blink.

Zach wished his own would go so easily. It was burning inside of him.

“What about your doctors? They’re okay with it?”

Alex drew up a little more, hurt mixing visibly with the irritation in his face.

“Yeah, they are.”

“How’d you swing that? They wouldn’t let you testify for Hannah but for Tyler?”

“Zach, they said ok. Can you just drop it? Please.”

“Whatever. Let’s get on with PT then.”

Zach pulled off his shirt, drawing a deep breath and releasing it slowly as he went to grab his bag and shove his clothes inside. Just as he was unzipping the duffel, he saw movement from the corner of his eye. The next second, Alex’s fingers were probing the skin just above Zach’s elbow, drawing a bit of pain to the surface.

“What the fuck happened?”

“It was nothing,” Zach said, the words coming out weaker than he’d meant them to, almost plaintive.

Alex’s eyes went narrow and hard, and Zach felt completely transparent and dumb and pathetic and still so helplessly mad he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“That’s bullshit.”

“Let’s go,” Zach repeated curtly, shoving his clothes into his gym bag and yanking the zipper closed, forcing back his feelings. They needed to get to what they were actually here for.

What the hell else was there to do? If Alex wasn’t going to at least discuss the fucking hearing and whatever else...

“Zach.”

Zach turned to look at Alex. All his muscles were taut, and he saw Alex’s were too, his whole body tensed up like for a fight. But he was very still, and his eyes softened just a little when Zach stared into them.

“Are you trying to protect me or something?” Alex asked finally, quietly. “I don’t get it.”

Maybe. Or maybe he was protecting himself.

Maybe both.

When Zach didn’t answer, Alex’s head dropped down, his eyes closing. Zach could see him inhaling deeply, could see his hands shaking.

“Okay, whatever. Look, I-” Alex started but then stopped himself, and no matter how frustrated Zach was, he couldn’t just sit and stew while his boyfriend was actually trying to communicate with him.

“It was just a stupid thing at practice today,” Zach forced himself to tell Alex. “Jamie said he tripped.”

Alex scowled, but didn’t object or push any more.

Zach’s heart felt like a jackhammer. The air in here was too still and too stale. He so desperately wanted to get outside to the chilled water and gentle wind and first pinpricks of emerging stars.

“Can we just talk more in the pool? Or after?”

When Alex didn’t immediately respond, Zach went again and sat beside his boyfriend, automatically putting an arm around him. Alex just as automatically leaned in.

“I don’t want to do PT,” Alex muttered finally. “I just want to, like, make out for a while or something.”

“We can’t skip PT.”

Or Zach couldn’t; Alex just shouldn’t. It was important to help keep him at least maintaining the progress he’d made. Zach knew Alex, and as shit as he might feel right now, skipping the physical therapy too much and possibly losing some of his improvement would make him that much worse. It was like what Zach’s mom had said the other day- they’d skipped a few times lately, and it was a slippery slope.

But then, maybe none of that meant they couldn’t start the actual PT a little later still. He had to be able to meet Alex halfway somehow. That was the right thing to do here, wasn’t it? Or would it be better not to compromise? Would it be better not to go against Alex at all?

Zach wished he could get a better read on his boyfriend, but it was like he was too far gone in his own head to be sure of anything. Like they both were. He turned and pressed a kiss against Alex’s jaw, then his lips. Alex kissed him back instantly, both desperate and demanding, and Zach felt himself melt a little beneath the response. He let himself let go, wrapping himself around Alex firmly, kissing him deeply. They moved with one another, Alex’s stronger hand on the side of Zach’s neck, Zach’s fingers in Alex’s hair and braced up against his back. He started automatically shifting down, as if  to lay them down together, but remembered at the last minute that the bench they were on was very much not bed sized. Alex put his forehead to Zach’s, laughed breathlessly at him, and Zach kissed him again.

When they next paused, Zach pulled Alex against him, allowed himself to hold onto Alex as tightly as he needed and trust that he would say if it was too much.

“I’m really sorry,” Alex said into Zach’s shoulder. His voice was a little muffled, a little meek. “I shouldn’t have lied. Shouldn’t have-”

Zach extracted himself just enough to hush the apologies with another kiss. He didn’t need more anyway. His heartbeat felt so much calmer now, his head clearer even with its light fog of contentment and want. Kissing had been a good idea. Compromise had been the right move. From here, it felt like it would be easier to move forward, or like it might be- so long as he tread carefully. As they.

“I shouldn’t have been a dick,” he admitted. “We good?”

Alex hesitated, and Zach reflexively held onto him again.

“I asked Clay to give me a ride to school tomorrow.”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

 **Zach** _Could still cancel your ride_

 **Alex** _Dude_

 **Zach** _I’m sure Clay won’t care_

 **Alex** _We are not still having this argument._

 **Zach** _Except we are_

 **Alex** _this is_

 **Alex** _so frustrating my hand doesn’t want to fucking work right_

 **Alex** _Zach I’m sorry but you’re not changing my mind about the Tyler thing_

 **Zach** _You don’t owe him anything._

 **Alex** _It feels like I do._

 **Zach** _So what, are you getting rides from Clay until after the hearing is over??_

 **Alex** _ffs_

 **Zach** _So you are_

 **Alex** _if that’s what you want_

 **Zach** _Is it what you want??_

 **Alex** _Zach lo_

 **Alex** _That sent too early nvm. Having a hard time staying awake sorry_

 **Zach** _?? Just find me when we can actually talk I guess_

 **Zach** _Ok. Goodnight_

 **Alex** _Zach_

 **Zach** _❤️_

Zach had sent the heart without even thinking about it. They were in a weird not-argument argument, but… How could he not? They were still them, and that wasn’t changing. What they had, he couldn’t lose, not now or like this or at all. Before they’d parted ways tonight, Alex had still kissed him goodbye, had still looked at him like he always did, even if there was an extra layer of hurt and anger between them. But, then, his phone was silent. And sure, Alex might have already fallen asleep, but-

 **Alex** _goodnight._ _i_ ❤️ _you_

Zach’s heart sped up for an entirely new reason. He considered texting back, almost did, but then stopped himself. What was he supposed to say? Especially over texts? And they’d promised to try and talk more tomorrow.

The conversation might just go a little differently than how he’d thought it would.

Zach reread Alex’s last message again. His stomach was warm. His throat was dry.

He stared at the little heart, at the ‘you’ and the ‘i’, and he turned the word “love” over and over in his head until he fell asleep.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

Zach Dempsey did not like changes to his routines, and he very much did not like driving to school alone.

Why Alex had wanted a ride from Clay of all people…

Sure, Zach guessed Clay was Alex’s best friend beside Zach these days, kind of like how Zach was with Justin (albeit infinitely less cool); but what could he do for Alex that Zach couldn’t?

Compete with him over who knew the most obscure music? Compare notes for their ‘In Defense of Tyler Down’ speeches?

Okay, so once again, Zach wasn’t in the best mood.

He’d kind of expected Alex would clarify what he meant or at least acknowledge it come morning; on the contrary, though, he’d so far received nothing but radio silence from his boyfriend. Maybe if he knew what the hell Alex was thinking, if he’d texted what he had deliberately, if it even was what it sounded like- fuck, if he could get any answers whatsoever, that would be amazing.

Instead, he’d seen Alex get walked to their shared first class by Clay Jensen, barely even catch Zach’s eye for its duration, and then Clay had come in five minutes before the end of the hour to “help make sure Alex got to second period on time”, complete with a note from the vice principal.

Zach hadn’t seen him since, hadn’t received anything from him in the way of check-ins, nothing, and it was only getting more frustrating.

So much so that Zach was thinking he might eat lunch with the jocks again today; after all, having to sit and eat a foot or so away from his boyfriend without addressing the elephant in the relationship wasn’t something he was especially pumped about.

“So, trouble in paradise?

“Fuck off, Ryan.”

Next to Zach, Ryan shrugged. Zach could feel himself being examined closely, but when he looked over Ryan was focused on his nails.

“You were saved by Justin Foley’s obliviousness the other night, but it didn’t look like you were expecting Alex to drop the truth bomb like that.”

“Don’t you have something better to do?” Zach asked, roughly opening his locker and yanking out the textbook he needed.

Ryan sighed.

“Thank you for asking, but no, I don’t. I broke up with Chad.”

“I didn’t know you were dating,” Zach said flatly. The ‘ _And I don’t care’_ was almost as audible as if he’d said it aloud.

“We weren’t really, mostly just hooking up. Debating poetry.”

God only knew with Ryan if he was talking about literal poems or something sexual- and Zach so didn’t want to think about either.

“Why-” he was going to say _‘Why do you think I want to hear about this?’_ but cut himself off when Ryan’s eyes went wide, and he gave an exaggerated wince.

There was the tiniest bit of excitement in his face that Zach immediately disliked.

“What?” he asked, and he couldn’t bring himself to care how aggravated the word came out.

“Your boy,” Ryan said, pointing, “just saw you standing here and turned to go the other way.”

“What?”

Zach wheeled around just in time to see Alex, walking between Jess and Clay in the opposite direction of Zach- and his class.

“I know you’re new to the whole gay dating thing,” Ryan mused in what was almost a stage whisper beside him, “but that’s not a great sign.”

Zach scowled at him and slammed his locker shut.

“I’m just saying.”

“Well, fucking stop,” Zach snapped.

Ryan’s eyes narrowed, and he stepped ever so slightly closer, back straight, head mockingly tilted.

“Look, I’ll support Alex when this secret boyfriends shit inevitably hits the fan. You?”

Ryan gave him an appraising look, then a single, tiny shake to his head, like what he saw was incredibly disappointing, like _Oh Zach, could you be any dumber?_ Like _Oh, Zach, could you fuck up any more than you are already?_

Zach didn’t know how to even begin responding, how to begin to explain just how good he could be at being a dick when his insecurities were all so close to the surface; so, he simply shook his head back at Ryan, jaw tight, stomach twisting, and left in the direction of class.

As he was turning the corner, he thought he heard a crash, like someone hitting a locker. He kept walking.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

**Peter,**

**I tried talking to Alex.**

**Haebjshbvwsjuhcsiuhfwkal**

Zach groaned, backspaced over the keysmash, and then stared at the blinking cursor and blank space. What the hell was he supposed to say? _I tried talking to Alex. It went very badly and now he might hate me (and love me?) and everything is fucked and confusing. So thanks for that._

Fucking hell.

“What are you working on?”

Zach had jumped half a foot and hastily minimized the window before he registered it wasn’t Mom’s voice but May’s.

Still.

“Uh, homework,” he told her, spinning to look at his sister and forcing a smile.

May squinted at him.

“Gross. Is that always your code word for porn?”

“What? No? Why the hell would you even think that?” _Or know about that?_ “What the hell are they teaching in your school?”

May rolled her eyes.

“It’s seventh grade, Zach, not pre-k. You sound like mom.”

He didn’t know if he’d ever been so offended in his life.

“I do not,” Zach exclaimed roughly, standing and going to the door, looking both ways down the hall just in case she’d enacted some kind of speak-of-the-devil jinx. “Jesus, May. It was nothing.”

“Sure,” May replied. Her tone was laced with skepticism. “Whatever you say.”

Zach grimaced.

“I swear. I was actually just trying- I was trying to send an email to Alex’s brother, actually.”

May’s face scrunched up some.

“Why?”

He really wished he had a good reason to give her. Instead, he only shrugged, and May rolled her eyes, coming in and sitting cross-legged on his bed. Zach let himself relax a little in his chair as he pivoted slightly to face his sister head on again.

“So, what’s up? Did you have a specific reason for coming in here or just really miss me?”

May barely reacted to his teasing, but perked up a little at the reminder.

“Oh yeah. So, we have sex ed at school tomorrow.”

Zach wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any direction she could go with this but steeled himself. Mom wasn’t exactly great at talking about anything, let alone sex stuff, and he’d rather May talk to him than not. Or he knew it was better for that to be the case anyway.

“Okay,” he said slowly.

“And the teacher said we can just write any questions we have and put them in a box anonymously so they get answered. And I don’t really have any, maybe one, but I thought I’d see if you wanted me to ask some for you.”

Maybe instead of emailing Peter, Zach should be googling the melting point of the human brain. It sure felt like he was getting close to it, whatever it was.

“I wouldn’t have to read them or anything,” May added, probably because of whatever the fuck expression he was making. He had no clue what it was, but then, he was barely sure of his own name at the moment.

“I’ve had sex already,” he said dumbly, and May’s face scrunched up even more.

“You said you didn’t know if you loved Alex yet, though.”

“It wasn’t with Alex,” Zach clarified, completely avoiding the matter of not needing to be in love to have sex, or any further discussion of where he stood on his feelings for his boyfriend.

He wasn’t going to touch the love thing again until he and Alex got their chance to talk about it. Whenever the hell that would be.

May frowned at him.

“How many secret boyfriends have you had?”

“I wasn’t with any guys before Alex,” Zach explained after a moment. His face and neck felt hot. “I’m not gay.”

“Oh I know,” May said quickly, looking away from him. “The news about you and that Hannah girl wasn’t just all over your school, Zach. Duh.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” May said pointedly, but then she looked at him again, tilting her head slightly and raising an eyebrow. “Anyway, you’re missing the point. It’s different with another guy, right? Or with a guy that has the same stuff down there that you do. Right?”

This was the exact last conversation he’d ever wanted to have with his not-even-teenage sister.

“May. I don’t need you asking questions for me. I’m your older brother.”

“So? I like when I can help you out. You never let me,” May complained. Then, she smiled a little and reached out and poked him in the kneecap. “You’re too protective, dummy.”

He wasn’t willing to consider whether or not she had a point. When it came to her, he didn’t think he could be too protective.

“Look, Zach,” May lay back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. “You’ve always had my back, and I just want to make sure you know I have yours too. Even if it’s just by helping you ask questions or talk, you know?”

Zach took a deep breath, in, out, and let the words sit a moment. It was something he hadn’t been doing enough of lately, probably. This was a weird way to go about being supportive, but it was intellectual, and it was sweet, and it was honest, and it was very May. Zach could appreciate all of that.

He still wasn’t about to break down his knowledge of sex, gay and otherwise, for her. Maybe in ten or twenty years, and even then she’d have to get him very, very drunk.

“Look, if you have questions, you should ask them,” he said finally. “And you can ask me or the instructor or both. I’ll do my best to be cool about all of that, okay? But this is one area where I can help myself.” Zach paused, surveying his sister and the beginnings of frustration in her expression, then forced himself to take another deep breath and add, “If you really want me to confide in you or whatever, I could probably tell you some dating stories or something.”

May sat up straight, the mild annoyance rapidly dropping off her face.

“Really?”

“Really. Deal?”

“Deal,” May agreed, offering him her hand to shake. Then, “Okay, so, what was your first-”

“Later,” Zach interrupted, laughing despite himself. “And PG stuff only.”

“PG-13,” May argued, and Zach narrowed his eyes at her.

“PG.”

“PG-13.”

“PG-13 after you turn thirteen.”

“Deal,” May said again after a moment, and they shook hands once more. “Hey, what do you think about me becoming a lawyer? I’m pretty good at getting my way and dad always said that was half the battle, right?”

“Oh my God, get out of here.”

Zach shooed her out, only allowing himself laughter when she was at least half-way down the stairs. He went back to his desk, picked up his phone, and almost called Alex. In his head, he was already telling his boyfriend all about what had just happened. But then, he opened their chat, and the last thing in it was that message from him from last night.

Alex hadn’t found him at school, and since today was the day they were both busy after- Alex with his barrage of appointments that technically started even before the last class of the day let out and Zach with the study group- their silence hadn’t really been breached. Sometimes, Zach picked Alex up after his support group let out so they could still hang for awhile, but Alex would have messaged him more than an hour ago for that.

It felt dumb to long for contact so much when it had been less than a day, but there it was. After all, they had a rule. They were always supposed to talk things out after fights, no silent treatment allowed. The problem was that technically they had talked, and, technically, this wasn’t so much of a fight as it was that one of them just needed to initiate the conversation. Zach was still pretty sure that the ball was in Alex’s court to pick things back up, but even if Zach were to try, he didn’t know where to start.

His May anecdote probably wasn’t it.

Zach put his phone back down reluctantly and looked again at his email.

**Peter,**

**I tried. He might usually care what I think but not on this one. I guess I get why. I’m not actually friends with Tyler, but somehow Alex is or thinks he is. He’s trying to be a good friend. I think he’s also trying to prove something.**

**I don’t know how to get him to understand he doesn’t have anything to prove. And there are people who love him who don’t want to see him backslide again.**

**Maybe it’s the kind of thing best said by an older brother.**

Zach sighed, rubbing hard at one of his eyes before making himself reread what he’d written. This was weird territory, and he had no idea what he was doing. He just felt stupid.

Shaking his head at himself, Zach saved the email as a draft and redirected his attention to one from Clay. It was a rundown of notes about his latest paper, with an edited copy attached and a slightly passive aggressive couple lines in the message’s main body. Like everything else, study group had been a tense, terse mess. It was almost like they’d all been on their best behavior leading up to the anniversary of Hannah’s death, and it passing had let the floodgates back down, but with that shadow hanging still overhead. Half of them seemed fed up with one another, and Zach had felt like he was constantly getting eye rolls and suspicious glances in his direction. Something about how Ryan had been pushed into a locker by Monty earlier with witnesses putting Zach right there and not intervening.

About getting suspicious he was keeping secrets and still sometimes eating with the jocks, and _seriously, Zach, how many times do I need to explain what a comma splice is?_

And more than Zach. Justin and Clay were picking fights with one another almost as much as they both were trying to with Zach. Courtney and Ryan had started bickering over the best way to handle what Courtney called “minor bullying”. Even Sheri and Jess had been unusually snarky with one another over a project they’d partnered together on. Mercifully, no major fights had broken out, and they’d still managed to get some work done, but it had come close a few times.

Close enough that the only surprise to this email was that Clay hadn’t written something more along the lines of:

**Hey Zach. Turns out you’re just as much of a coward as we thought you were. Go fuck yourself.**

**P.S. I’ll be giving Alex rides to school from now on because you’re a shitty boyfriend who can’t protect him. Justin’s taking over his PT because he’s less of a clueless dick than you are.**

Okay, maybe Zach was projecting a little. This week had just been one of the most exhausting rollercoasters of his life.

It didn’t seem like that was stopping anytime soon.

Zach trudged his way through his homework, then went for a run. That combined with the shower after cleared his head just enough that he could fall asleep, but barely that.

In his dreams that night, he watched himself stitch his own mouth shut in a mirror, while behind him, everyone he knew went one after another up to a window and jumped out of it. He couldn’t tell them not to. He couldn’t even turn around.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

The next day, Alex got dropped off by his dad in the cruiser. Zach had been by the front doors of the school, keeping anxious watch while Clay and Sheri talked about French class and Justin gave Zach shit for not knowing he and Clay weren’t giving Alex a ride until they got to school without him.

Alex caught his eyes from across the parking lot and Zach started walking before he could stop himself.

He was just a few yards from Alex when Monty, Chris, Jamie, and Trevor showed up, a few other guys from the team flocking them.

“Oh, hey, guys it’s Zach and his- what are you again, Standall?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Montgomery?”

Alex’s eyes had narrowed, and his voice was caustic around the words.

Monty smiled widely at him.

“It’s funny you think I don’t already.”

“Fuck off, Monty,” Zach snapped. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Ooh, Dempsey, save that aggression for the field,” Jamie crowed from over Monty’s shoulder. “It’d suck if you got suspended right before we play Hillcrest.”

“You should already be suspended.” Alex sounded suddenly furious. “Fucking pathetic. Just another fucking bunch of rapists! You think we don’t know what you did?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Monty snarled. “With that fucking hole in your head. Keep your mouth shut.”

“He’s so used to having it open for Zach, he doesn’t realize no-else else gives a fuck what he has to say,” Trevor said, elbowing Chris gleefully.

Monty smirked, eyes almost gleaming, and Alex huffed, the sound dismissive and cool, though to Zach’s eyes he was practically seething.

“Jealous, huh? What, you guys don’t get enough out of blowing each other?”

“Alex,” Zach tried to interject, but Monty’s goading had pretty much all of his boyfriend’s attention.

“Why would we be jealous?” Monty asked, moving closer toward Alex. “Of you? Poor little Alex, who can’t even kill himself right or keep a girlfriend satisfied.”

Zach moved in quickly, stepping half in front of Alex just as he was about to throw himself at Monty, his fist already coming up.

Alex was cussing at his back, but Zach didn’t care. Couldn’t care.

“Back the hell off.” He said the words through gritted teeth, jaw clenched, heart pounding in his ears. “Before I make you.”

Alex was breathing rapidly, standing so close Zach could hear how the air seemed to shake as he took it in.

“Don’t,” Alex said, and Zach knew exactly how much he was working to force the words out, probably hating himself for saying them. “Fuck him. He’s just trying to get to you. Well, too bad, Monty. It won’t work.”

Like Zach didn’t already know exactly what game they were playing. And it had already almost worked.

Monty smiled, and Zach thought that he knew just how far under Zach’s skin he was getting.

“See you, Dempsey,” Chris said.

“Later, Standall.”

The goodbyes were said like jokes, all the guys laughing as they walked away.

“Fuck you,” Alex yelled after them.

It only made them laugh harder, like a fucking pack of hyenas as they retreated.

“What the hell was that?”

Zach looked over. Justin and Clay had made their way over. Clay was anxiously scanning Alex, Justin watching Monty and his crew with a dark expression on his face, something like worry knitted into his forehead.

“They’ve been fucking with Zach.”

“Alex,” Zach said, and even he hadn’t expected the sheer volume of frustration in his voice.

“Whatever,” Alex said back. “Fine.”

“Is that why you guys are fighting?” Clay asked. “We’re supposed to all be telling each other this shit. Jesus.”

“I’m going to English.”

“Alex, class doesn’t even start for twenty minutes.”

Alex met Zach’s eyes again. There was a challenge to the look, but also a question, and far more worry than there had any right to be. Wasn’t Zach supposed to be the one that was scared?

“I’ll walk with you,” Zach said.

“Do what you want,” Alex retorted, but the words held no fight.

“This conversation isn’t over,” Clay warned. “We’re talking about this at lunch.”

“I’m with Jensen. Something’s up, so we’ve got to handle it. As a team, right?”

“As a team,” Alex echoed, and Zach felt himself smile, despite everything, at the sarcastic undertone to his voice.

As they left, Zach reached for Alex’s backpack automatically, and there was another pause, but then Alex let him take it. They walked to their first class, silent, but side by side.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

Zach really should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣  

From sixth through twelfth grade, if Zach Dempsey were to be asked what his favorite class in school was, he would immediately answer with ‘lunchtime’. Food and hanging out and no work to do- yeah, it was a no-brainer, only narrowly beat back in elementary school by the wonder that was recess. If pressed further, he’d say gym was cool and that science wasn’t bad either, but lunch was really where it was at.

Right now, he’d rather be in calc or fucking civics than sitting at this godforsaken lunch table, though.

“Have you two not even been checking in with each other?” Clay was fuming so much he was saying everything like it was a punchline or some shit, and Zach had the feeling that in Clay’s head he might very well be shaking all of them hard enough to break their necks.

“It’s been less than two days, and there’s still the group chat,” Alex retorted, visibly annoyed.

His defense only made Clay laugh the kind of laugh Zach suspected usually precipitated murder, or at least a very thorough maiming.

“Alex has got a point,” Tony said, and Clay turned on him, eyebrows going so high they almost touched his hairline.

“So do you, though,” Tony tacked on, a little placating, though as soon as Clay turned away Tony’s eyes widened like he’s just seen some truly alarming shit.

Zach snorted at the exchange and Tony fixed him with a hard look.

“You have something to say?”

“You have to do a lot more than that to get Zach talking,” Justin sounded half like he was having a go at Zach and half like he was just sulking.

“Seriously, Justin?” but nobody else seemed to share Zach’s outrage.

Alex was biting his lip when Zach glanced his direction, looking anywhere but back at him.

“We should just go after them,” Cyrus announced when the silence went a bit long. “Show them we’re not going to let those dickheads keep running the school how they like. We drove out Walker. They don’t know who they’re dealing with. Right?”

“Bad idea,” Tony said immediately.

“Seconded,” Ryan chirped. “At least, we can find a better way to deal with them than fists.”

“I don’t know. Ignoring it hasn’t worked.”

“If more of us were supporting Tyler, maybe we could get him to actually press charges against Montgomery and the other two for the assault. Any of you think of that?”

Alex was looking directly at Zach as he spoke this time, but his eyes dropped within seconds of  Zach’s meeting them.

Maybe because the words had instantly made Zach furious again, and it showed. Maybe because even he heard how much of a stretch it was. Zach hoped it was the latter, even though he was almost positive already that it wasn’t.

“Yeah because trading the good of many for the possible punishment of three is always a good idea.”

“Whatever,” Alex said. “You just don’t care because it’s Tyler, and you still want to punish him for what he did to Hannah and what he almost did to the rest of us.”

“That’s not-” Zach cut himself off, clenching one of his fists against his knee.

“That’s a good point,” Ryan mused. “Let’s be real, Zach, you’ve never liked Tyler.”

“The last thing we need is for any of us to get hurt for something that might not even work,” Zach said back. It felt like his voice was vibrating deep in the pit of his stomach from all the rage that had sprung up, all the worry.

There was no way Alex didn’t know that he was the main reason Zach was so against this. The fact that he could even suggest it was something else was infuriating.

“You remember what happened with Jess,” he tacked on, and Jessica looked at him like _You complete fucking asshole. Why would you even say that?_

Maybe because he was one. It sure felt like he was right now, but he could just barely care.

“Are you fucking kidding, Dempsey?” Justin asked, standing roughly. Jess promptly pushed him back down and stood herself.

“I don’t need you comparing me to Tyler Down,” she said. “And for the record, asshole, at least I did something. I’m glad I did. If you, if any of you, are sitting around feeling sorry for me because I tried, then you can go fuck yourselves.”

“Jess-”

“And you don’t need to even try protecting me,” she added, rounding on Justin.

Alex was shaking his head, staring down at his food like he was completely fed up with it and everything else.

“I’m going to the weight room,” Zach blurted out before he could think himself out of saying anything. “Alex, can I talk to you?”

“I’m still eating,” Alex said, even though he hadn’t had more than two bites since they’d all sat down almost thirty minutes ago.

“Please,” Zach said, and Alex looked up at him almost through his eyelashes, squinting a little, before nodding reluctantly.

“Fine. You owe me food though.”

“Deal,” Zach agreed automatically.

“With sugar.”

“We’ll talk about it.”

Alex sighed but began gathering up his trash. Zach stood and went to help him. Jess, Justin, Clay, and Sheri were in full confrontation now, but they paused long enough for Justin to tell them to “get the fuck out of here” and Clay to make some patronizing comment about how they needed to “figure their shit out” since all the rest of them had been fine before Zach and Alex started arguing ( _yeah, right_ ); meanwhile Jess had the audacity to shake her head at Alex like he was offending her by leaving with Zach.

The guilt that went briefly across Alex’s face was enough to make Zach mad at Jessica all over again, even if he still felt a little guilty for bringing her up in this to begin with.

They walked together, a gap between them that it took everything in Zach’s power not to bridge.

The weight room was situated just off the locker room, about half its size and with panes of glass walls on the interior side, as well as an exterior door that was locked pretty much all the time, its only other entry point at the far end of the boys’ locker room. The room was pretty well set up with equipment for weight training, as well as an assortment of treadmills, ellipticals, and medicine balls, and every now and again Zach would go there when shit was too much or the guys would all hang out in it during an “extended lunch”. Alex had joined them only twice, and both times had gone pretty poorly, so the fact that he’d actually agreed to come along with Zach made it difficult to stay as angry with him as Zach had been just five minutes ago.

If he were really honest with himself, he wasn’t even sure anymore why he was so pissed off, other than just being scared. And he already knew that wasn’t a good reason. Maybe because he felt like Alex was shutting him out somehow, or because it felt like he was still playing fast and loose with his own wellbeing, putting other people first that totally didn’t deserve it, recklessly lashing out at people that could seriously hurt him…

Right. That was why.

Zach shoved his hands into his pockets, shouldering open the locker room door and keeping a foot in front of it for Alex.

And.

Zach had just gone to move away from the door when it opened into his back and hands caught on him, shoving him forward. He heard Alex yell, too close, too far away.

Someone’s foot connected with his ribcage and then another hit his back, and then he was being dragged and he heard something slam, and he started struggling harder, thrashing. He’d almost gotten loose when the floor changed, went from concrete to the coarse carpet of the weight room. Zach wrenched himself free, and one of the guys shoved him again, this time back toward the wall-length mirror. He hit it hard, head rebounding off glass, and surged forward again, but they were gone.

Where?

Zach’s head was spinning, but he forced himself to try and head toward the… the now closed door. Why the fuck was the door closed?

Zach tried the handle, and it didn’t budge, and that wasn’t at all acceptable because he needed to find… Realization hit him harder than the mirror, and he slammed his fists into the door as hard as he could once and again and three more times before he turned and saw the glass wall. Through it, he could see Alex being restrained against a row of lockers, but they weren’t doing anything more than holding him there, occasionally jerking him back tighter against the metal, and watching for- oh.

They saw Zach see them, and even though his vision was swimming a little at the edges, Zach recognized the expected faces. Jamie. Chris. Trevor. And Monty, who popped up in front of Zach, looked him in the eyes through the glass. His mouth was set in a grim line, but his eyes were practically grinning of their own accord.

Zach’s gaze returned to Alex, who was staring back at him as best he could with his head pulled back against a gym locker, tilted sharply up. Monty said something, made a motion with his hands Zach couldn’t discern, and the guys dropped Alex abruptly, converging on him.

The only thing worse than seeing him and not being able to reach him was knowing he was so close but not being able to do either.

Zach reached for the door again, yanking on the handle. He thought he was yelling, but wasn’t sure. Everything felt like a dream or maybe a nightmare, but at the same time it was too real to be either. He threw himself against the door hard enough to feel the impact through his whole body, but it still didn’t so much as shiver. Zach pressed close to the window again, trying desperately to make out what was going on, but all he could see was the cluster of solid bodies and almost blurred movement. He bellowed Alex’s name against the glass and Monty turned to look at Zach, to watch him, something like a leer twisting his mouth.

Distantly, he remembered Tyler, what Monty had done to him when he got him alone, and then there was bile rushing up his throat.

He spit it out and kept screaming, cuss words and threats and his boyfriend’s name and fuck only knew what else.  

At long last, or what sure as fuck felt like it, the door opened. Before Zach could even start to believe in a miraculous savior, Monty and Jamie came in, hauling Alex between them. Zach went for them, slammed into Monty even harder than he had the door. He got his teammate against the wall and sent a fist careening into his stupid, smug mouth. There was blood on his knuckles, but it wasn’t enough. He hit Monty again, in the stomach this time, and was inches from landing the next punch when Monty put his head forward into Zach’s chest and managed to get enough distance to land a hard shove, sending Zach stumbling back into the rack of dumbells and falling. A starburst of pain from his ankle momentarily stole his breath and focus. The next thing Zach knew, Monty was looming over him.

“Keep fucking with me, I dare you,” Monty said, “You even try being a rat and next time I’ll make what I did to your other freak friend look like a picnic.” Then, he spit at Zach, shook his head mockingly at the both of them.

Jamie came in and threw two things Zach’s direction. Their phones.

“Time,” he told Monty. “Let’s head.”

Monty turned to leave, but stopped by the door and called back over his shoulder, “You better get some ice on that ankle. We’ll miss you at the game tonight, Zachy.”

The door closed, and Zach thought he could hear the soft click of its lock turning.

“Alex?” Zach’s voice sounded so normal that it felt foreign.

“Fuck.”

“Fuck, Alex,” and Zach’s arms found him, wrapped him up.

His heart still felt like it was at the peak of a violent crescendo.

“Your head,” Alex murmured, and Zach wanted to yell at him and kiss him and maybe possibly cry.

“Yours too.”

Alex’s head was bleeding like a nightmare, but when Zach’s fingers found the source it was minor enough to assuage some of his fears, just a cut that didn’t feel too deep, the beginnings of a nasty bump. His cheek and eye were bruising up rapidly, and Zach traced the swelling carefully.

“I’ve had worse,” Alex groaned, leaning into him hard. “Brain’s already damaged.”

“Shut up,” Zach told him, but held him tighter, and Alex held him right back. “I couldn’t see what they were doing to you. What-”

“I’m okay,” Alex whispered, like somehow he could read Zach’s mind. “They talked some shit. Think they might have cracked one of my fucking ribs, but I put a locker door into Martinez’s face first.”

Zach nodded, his head pounding a little at the motion.

Did his boyfriend always have to go full badass when it was most dangerous or inconvenient?

“Is your ankle-?”

“I don’t think it’s broken,” Zach murmured. He reached one hand down to prod gently at the injury. At most a fracture, but probably just a sprain, thank God.

“They locked the door, didn’t they?” Alex asked. It sounded more like a statement, but Zach gestured in the affirmative anyway.

“Can you tell how fucked our phones are?”

“Looks okay,” Alex answered after a brief pause. “My screen’s kind of got a crack at the top, and your screen protector’s shot, but that’s all I can see.”

“Awesome. Okay.” Zach took his phone and peeled off the shattered protector. “I’m going to call-”

“Don’t say Justin.”

“Justin,” Zach finished.

Alex groaned again, and Zach cradled one side of his face, swiping his thumb tenderly over his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Sorry,” he said, though he was well aware he didn’t sound sorry at all.

Alex took a deep breath, one of his hands finding Zach’s knee and squeezing it gently.

“Look, Zach, I-”

A knock on the door interrupted them, and they both started at the sound of the door unlocking, pulling apart a bit to stare bemusedly at the door as it opened one more time.

“Did I call him?” Zach asked. “I didn’t yet, did I?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe we’re, like, sharing a hallucination.”

“Holy shit,” Justin said, coming toward them quickly.

“What the fuck happened?”

Tony. Oh man, Zach had never felt so much gratitude for such a little man.

“We got attacked by some crazed girl scouts,” Alex said blandly. “And then decided to come back here and do some lifting to repair our egos. Didn’t even get to keep the cookies.”

“When was the last time you lifted something heavier than single-serve orange juice, Standall?” Justin asked.

“Probably when I saved your life, asshole,” Alex retorted, and Zach barely held back a laugh. Justin basically deserved that one.

“Whatever.”

“You two look like crap,” Tony cut in. “Can you walk? Alex, where’s your cane man?”

“I don’t know,” Alex said. “One of those assholes took it.”

“Hopefully it’s not broken.”

“All of them together couldn’t break that shit,” Alex said dismissively, taking Tony’s offered hand up and leaning heavily against a nearby treadmill.

Zach grimaced, pulling himself up as well and testing his ankle. He could put some weight on it, but not too much, and it was painful. He was almost certain it was just a sprain by now, which meant Monty was right; he definitely wasn’t playing in the game tonight. Fuck. If he played his cards right and the sprain wasn’t too severe, he could maybe still get put in for the Hillcrest game or even the one next week, but no way Coach would let him play tonight or push himself too much right before basketball started.

“I’ll look for it,” Justin volunteered, dashing back toward the locker room.

“Monty and his pack, right?” Tony asked. “Justin saw them leave almost right after you guys did. He and Clay both tried calling. Good thing we decided to just go ahead and check on you, huh?”

“Oh yeah. Good timing,” Zach grunted.

He could feel Alex’s eyes on him, but avoided looking. The panic was still high in his veins, and now that the initial relief had faded, he was as angry as he’d ever been.

“Yeah, it was. You dumbasses could have been stuck in here for hours.”

Zach was pretty sure they could have just called someone as planned and not been, but whatever. Somewhere beneath all the red clouding up his brain, he was grateful, just there was another part of him that felt like everything was spinning far too much out of his control, and far too quickly.

“We’ve got to get your head looked at,” Tony murmured, and Zach looked at Alex again, swallowing hard. The bleeding had all but stopped, but the bump on his forehead was looking increasingly large and purple and horrible.

“Zach’s too. I saw him get slammed into the mirror.”

“You did?” Zach asked, surprised, and Alex nodded shortly.

“Tried getting to you.”

“You should’ve only tried getting away.” Zach looked down at his shoes, taking a deep breath, blowing it slowly out. “But I probably wouldn’t have, so I get it.”

Alex was silent.

“So, the bad news is I can’t find the cane,” Justin announced on his not-so-triumphant return. “But the good news is I can totally support your weight, Standall.”

“That’s not exactly what I’d call good news,” Alex said stiffly. “I’ll stick with Tony, thanks.”

The trek to the nurse’s office was long, or at least, it felt like it was. Thankfully, just a couple halls from the locker rooms Justin spotted Alex’s cane in a trash can. Several of the stickers had been scratched halfway off, and one of those fuckheads had taped a note to it, which Alex read and promptly crumpled into a tight ball, eyes dim and far away. He wouldn’t let Zach read it.

The nurse took one look at them and hurried Alex and Zach to the cots in the back of the office, her tone gentle but her eyes exasperated. Zach suspected she was almost as sick of this school as he was. She got their information, set them up with an ice pack each, as well as a bandage and some antiseptic on Alex’s head, then left to call their parents and for someone from the main office to come do an incident report.

Zach and Alex were across from one another, left to their own devices for at least twenty minutes, and Zach didn’t know how to start, but he was getting sick of this quiet between them. It was only making everything worse.

“I can still drive,” he said abruptly. _A+ conversation starter Dempsey._

Alex looked over at him briefly, then up at the ceiling.

“And I’m free tonight now, I guess.”

Alex laughed, shortly and not nearly as genuinely as Zach was used to, but it was something. A start.

“I’m pretty sure I have to get a CT scan.”

“So, I could come with.”

“Yeah? Do you actually want to be around me again?”

“I never didn’t want to be around you,” Zach said forcefully. “You’re the one who set up another ride and then avoided me for almost two days.”

Alex scowled at him.

“You’re so busy being mad at me, but how easy would it be for you to have just walked up and asked to talk? Are you forgetting who texted who last?”

Shame burned in his stomach and on the back of his neck.

“Exactly,” Alex said.

“Well, what was I supposed to do, Alex? I thought you’d at least want to say what you did in person, and I didn’t want to push you, okay?”

“Yeah?” Alex’s voice rose a bit too high, and Zach shot a look towards the front of the nurse’s office, but she was at the door speaking with someone, paying her charges no mind. “Well, maybe I’d rather you push me. Fuck, Zach, you usually do. But all of a sudden it’s like you’re mad at me, and even worse, you’re treating me like everyone else does, like I can’t take it when something’s wrong or like I’m just this fragile nothing piece of shit that will fucking fall to pieces if you talk to me like a person, and it’s not- I don’t get it! It’s fucking bullshit, Zach. And, I didn’t mean to text you that, I wanted to say it in person, but you could have just talked to me.”

Zach almost shot back that Alex could have talked to him too, but forced himself to swallow the defense down. It didn’t matter. He was- was he really-? Fuck. Everything else was right. Of course it was right.

“I didn’t expect anything,” Alex said after a minute, softer now. “I swear. You could have just said you needed time, or you know, that we’d talk when you weren’t mad. Whatever.”

“Alex,” Zach said thickly, and Alex fell quiet, eyes darting between Zach’s and the beige vinyl of the cot. “ I’m still mad right now, but you have to know I love you too, right?”

Alex shivered, swallowing convulsively.

“I got freaked out, and I got stupid, and I’ve been kind of a dick. I think- the Tyler shit got brought to my attention, and I think I got too protective. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you now.”

Just the words were enough to make Zach’s whole body hum with fear. He’d come so close before, and he’d lost so many people already. The idea had sent him into tailspin.

It was a reason, but he couldn’t pretend it was an excuse.

“I’m sorry,” Zach said, and Alex laughed again, entirely without humor.

“No. I’m sorry. It’s my fault you’re scared in the first place.”

“Alex.”

“God,” Alex whispered. “Damn it.”

“Alex.”

“Reckless, destructive piece of shit. I’m so sorry, Zach.”

Everything was burning. Zach didn’t understand what was happening. This should be the good part, right?

“I love you,” Alex said, looking up and meeting Zach’s eyes. “I really do. You’re the most important person in my life now. But we have to think.”

“What?”

“Not break up, unless you wanted that-”

“I don’t,” Zach interrupted him hastily. His heart pounding furiously. “That’s the last thing I want.”

He wanted it to be clear. For fuck’s sake, if he’d just taken the time to be clear about what he felt instead of second-guessing those feelings, instead of burying them, how many of the worst things in his life would be changed?

“But maybe we just need to take a week or something,” Alex said, and he was staring intensely at his ice pack now. “There’s a lot on the line for you, probably more than I’m worth if we’re being honest, and I’m trying really hard to get better, but I’m still this damaged person, you know?”

 _So am I,_ Zach wanted to tell him, maybe while shaking him hard enough to snap him out of this. Whatever this was.

And fuck, maybe Zach had also been wrong calling Alex reckless. He was more willing to take risks than Zach, sometimes too willing, but he also was the same boy that dwelled on all kinds of shit he’d done or might do and tried to find a better way. The same boy who’d stuck with their crew after the tapes began to circulate specifically because he’d calculated the dangers of leaving and knew they were too high. He was reckless, but he also wasn’t. Zach knew enough to know that. He knew enough to trust Alex.

So why wasn’t he?

Zach had been trying so hard not to let fear keep him from getting off the ground these last six months, and yet here he was.

Maybe he did need to think.  

“Love is big,” Alex said, and he sounded almost earnest. “It’s a lot, and I want to be able to handle it better than we did this week.”

“But not breaking up.”

“Not unless you change your mind,” Alex said, and laughed once, weakly.

Zach stood, limped over and squeezed in next to his boyfriend. Alex made room.

He didn’t care who saw them like this.

“So what does that look like?”

Alex paused, then laughed full on, for real.

“I have no clue. I didn’t actually think that far ahead.”

“Like no handies?”

“No kissing.”

“No… holding hands?”

“Like, we can just, I guess it’s like we’ll be pressing pause on the boyfriend side. None of the stuff we wouldn’t have done before dating.”

“Oh,” Zach said, and nudged into Alex a little, throwing him his best approximation of a grin, “so we can still make out!”

“Fuck off,” Alex said, but he almost smiled back.

He was so warm against Zach’s side.

“I love you,” Zach said, this time entirely without thinking about it. “Are we crazy?”

“Probably,” Alex murmured. “But we’re working on it.”

“I love you, anyway.”

Alex snorted.

“What- are you trying to make up for the single day it took you to say it after I did or something?”

Maybe.

Or maybe trying to say it as much as he could now, because he had no idea what time might bring for them.

“No matter what, I want you in my life,” Alex said, quiet again.

“Ditto,” Zach murmured and threaded their fingers together, lifting Alex’s hand in his, gently kissing the top of it.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

 **Alex** _CT came back clear_

 **Alex** _But my dad is on a warpath_

 **Zach** _Thank God_

 **Zach** _That makes sense. Tbh I want to kill Monty and all those creeps._

 **Alex** _Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just move them to a remote island and leave them there?_

 **Zach** _Like prison? Lol_

 **Alex** _Alcatraz: Take 2_

 **Zach** _Ok can I ask a question_

 **Zach** _Or two?_

 **Alex** _no Zach, questions aren’t allowed_

 **Zach** _I know you’re being sarcastic._

 **Alex** _:O_

 **Zach** _P_

 **Alex** _What is this, old school sexting?_

 **Zach** _I’m a little horny ngl_

 **Alex** _Me too but that’s what hands are for_

 **Zach** _Is that all?_

 **Alex** _You’re the wannabe biologist, shouldn’t you know?_

 **Zach** _fuck I miss you_

 **Alex** _It has been_

 **Alex** _four hours_

 **Zach** _And we talk and decide what we’re doing when I pick you up from group next Thursday, right?_

 **Alex** _That’s what we said._

 **Zach** _Ok well that’s a lot of hours. What am I supposed to do tomorrow?_

 **Alex** _homework maybe? College crap? Tell May how awesome I am?_

 **Zach** _I forgot to tell you the May story!! I’m gonna call._

 **Alex** _Give me 5 minutes and I’ll call. Gotta take meds and make popcorn._

“Before you tell your story,” Alex said when Zach picked up, “did you already ask your questions?”

“Pretty much,” Zach said, frowning down at his hands. “I almost asked about PT, but between the sprain and you… did you actually crack a rib?”

“No,” Alex said, sounding relieved. “The doctor said it was just deep bruising. She was more worried about my head, but it all looks worse than it is.”

It was the second best news Zach had heard all day.

“You went to the clinic?”

“My mom insisted,” Zach told him. “I told her one of the guys tripped and fell into me, and she gave me a lecture about being aware of my surroundings.”

“Fuck that.”

Zach smiled.

“She means well. She wants me to have the best future I can, which means doing everything possible to avoid missing games.”

“Fuck best,” Alex said. “You’ll be amazing, whether it’s some make believe best or not. But I get it.”

Zach paused, taking a minute to just let that thought sit like a gentle glow in his chest.

“You flirting with me, Standall?”

“Never,” Alex said, faux solemn. “Babe.”

Zach half-buried his laughter in his pillow.

“Tell me one more thing,” Zach said, when he’d finally finished telling Alex about May’s sex-ed inquiry, as well as how thoroughly she’d kicked his ass in both chess and scrabble the other night. “What exactly is it that we’re supposed to be thinking about? Or that I’m supposed to be thinking about?”

Because this still felt like exactly where he wanted to be.

“About you, I guess,” Alex said after a minute. “And me, and what it means, and what you want, like- if I really make your life better. If you think we have hope. I don’t know man. Everything I say sounds kind of lame, but I just want you to do what’s best for you. You know, like you can love me, but you also love your family, and sports, and Justin in what seems like a very straight way.”

“Very.”

“And all of this other stuff. And some of that’s already been jeopardized by our relationship, right? Like your mom?”

Zach wanted to tell him no, explain all the ways that didn’t count, but he also understood how it might look to Alex.

“I don’t know,” Alex said. “I’m trying really hard to think it through, but I just keep going in circles. What would you usually do for an important decision?”

“Make a list,” Zach said simply. It was something he’d had in common with Hannah, though he’d always kept his more emotional lists, like reasons why and reasons why not, locked up firmly in his head. “But I don’t want to do what I usually do.”

“Neither do I,” Alex murmured, then yawned into the phone. “Look, I’m exhausted. Maybe this will make more sense when we talk for real. Maybe it won’t. We’ll have to see. I think it’s good we’re at least trying.”

Zach forced himself to say goodnight and hang up, then paused, turning the phone over and over in his hand. It was strange. They were on this break-but-not-break, and yet, he felt like he was closer to Alex than he’d been before their fight.

Maybe this would break them. Maybe, hopefully, they could come out the other side of this and of all the other shit, even more solid than they’d been before. It was a thought he could hold on to, anyway.

 **Zach** _I love you_

 **Alex** _Dude. Thursday. 6 days._

 **Alex** _but_ _I love you too_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote from the song "Unsaid" by flor. You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSBkoEWDTEk  
> It's also not totally on topic, but this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzHJlOmuYsY&t=2s) from one of my very favorite shows ever was stuck in my head for something like 3/4 of this chapter. It's hilarious and amazing and apt but not- and you should all do yourselves a massive favor and watch/listen if you can.
> 
> This chapter was kind of brutal, so I hope I (at least mostly) did it justice. I'm working to be able to get the next chapter up before the new year, but we'll see how that goes... The next two chapters (originally one, but it looks like it'll be split in two at this point) will take place *primarily* in flashback scenes (with present day stuff, too), and I hope you guys love it anywhere near as much as I do so. I want to give my thanks as always for all the love and feedback- it seriously means the world to me, you guys. On a related note, chapter one was posted six months ago, and that is fucking wild. I'm so grateful you all joined me on this ride. For as long as tumblr lives, I'll probably be over there lame-ing it up (lunalitsol.tumblr.com), so feel free to send me an ask/scream at me/whatever if you wish. Sending love and warmth and wishes for happy holidays to all of you. <3


	9. Chanel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific warnings: homophobic slurs and bullying, some internalized homophobia, references to Bryce and Monty along with flashback appearances by them, references to prior assault, allusions to past and future drug use, discussion of canon character death.

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 9:**  CHANEL

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_"I don’t like to fight ‘til I’m fighting,_

_Revenge in the air makes my lungs sick._

_Chopper in the air like a gun trick, clips on clips like Mike._

_It’s really all._

_I see both sides like Chanel, see on both sides like Chanel._

_It’s really you on my mind. It’s really you on my mind._

_It’s really you.”_

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_Monday October 15, 2018_

**Zach** _You sure you don’t want me to give you a ride?_

Alex’s thumbs-up reaction to his message came a full minute later. Zach frowned at it, then flipped his phone upside down on the table, going back to glumly pushing around eggs with his fork. He could feel his mom watching him, weighing whether or not to say anything.

She didn’t, but May cleared her throat and rolled her eyes at Zach when he looked up, somehow making the gesture seem kind. 

“Are you going to eat that?”

Zach eyed his sister’s empty plate, then the scattered eggs left on his own. He hadn’t been especially hungry, but had managed to polish off half his breakfast before totally losing steam. They didn’t often eat together in the mornings, so usually when they did, he tried to enjoy it for all it was worth. However, with the tension lingering between he and his mom, May’s refusal to take his break from Alex seriously, and the fact that he was starting his week not getting to pick up his own boyfriend for school, Zach was having a hard time pretending like all was fine. He could sit here until it was time to go, try to eat most of his food, but small talk wasn’t wanting to rise.

It didn’t help that he couldn’t exactly go and train or whatever with his ankle sprained. He could drive and fucking limp around if he wanted to do something but not much else.

God, Monty was just the worst.

“Here.”

Zach reached for his sister’s plate and shuffled his remaining food onto it before sliding it back over to her. She grinned, nodding once gratefully, then paused with her fork in the air, considering him.

“When do you get to play again?”

“Hopefully next week. Depends.”

There was an infinitesimal chance Coach could have a change of heart about the game this Friday, but it seemed unlikely. The school was way too concerned about the possibility of exacerbating his injury and losing them one of their “star basketball players”.

Zach’s brace itched. He’d only had to wear something like it once before, back in eighth grade, and would happy if he never did again. His mobility was only slightly limited, but it was enough for Zach to already feel himself going stir crazy.

His thoughts immediately took a wistful turn to Alex, who was probably always going to need his brace, who had dealt with a much bigger change to what he could and couldn’t do than Zach was and had faced it with so much strength and heart and tenacity it kind of blew his mind to think about. If things were normal, he’d be picking Alex up today and could say something vague about how much of a badass he was for how far he’d come. Could kiss him and listen to music with him and-

This was going to be the longest week, and it had barely started.

“Well, the sooner the better. You shouldn’t be dealing with this in the first place. I understand boys will be boys, of course, but really.”

Zach’s mom was shaking her head, carefully swirling more cream into her coffee. Her eyes were the kind of dark he was never sure how to read, unwilling to meet his for more than a moment. Her mouth gave the idea of a frown but refused full surrender to it, and there was judgement in all the lines of her shoulders, expectation in the air. Zach pulled in a breath and held it in his chest overlong, using the slight burn of his lungs to even his voice.

“I’ll be more aware from now on.”

He was pretty sure it was what his mom wanted to hear, and she rewarded his instincts with a curt nod, a smile that was almost warm.

“You’re a good boy Zach. You just keep at it. Remember what matters: your training, your grades, your family. Your future. If you can stay on the right track, you’ll be great.”

“Right.”

“I think you’re already pretty great, Zach.”

May smiled at him, then promptly stole his orange juice, only slightly shrinking under their mom’s reproving glance.

“Of course, he is,” Mom said, not really to either of them. “But he can always be better. You too, May. You look ahead. You focus. You’ll go far. What you don’t do is let yourself get complacent or dwell on the past. We only succeed by moving forward and making smart choices. Finish your breakfast now, please. Zach, if you’re done, I’d like those dishes washed before you go. You’re not picking up the Standall boy, correct?”

“Not until Friday.”

He’d told her twice already but whatever. Her memory was a steel trap for some things- for what she thought was important. The rest not so much.

He wasn’t going to think about it. Just like he wasn’t going to think about the chance that Alex might not want Zach giving him a ride after their talk on Thursday, the chance that it might go badly or they might keep needing space.

Somehow, all the things he wasn’t going to think about were all he could seem to think about, anyway, though.

The silence of his car when he did go to leave for school didn’t help. It was worse, actually. Zach flipped on his bluetooth at the first red light and set his library to randomize. The song that came on was by one of those old bands Alex liked to nerd out over, with weird lyrics and a melody that veered from slow to fast. If he closed his eyes or even made himself stare ahead and ignore the emptiness of his passenger seat, it was almost like his boyfriend was in the car. Almost like everything was normal.

God, he wasn’t looking forward to getting to school.

Zach and Alex were supposed to be acting like all they were was friends for the week, but really, they couldn’t even seem to do that. They tried texting and automatically fell into selfies, flirty jokes, banter about masturbation, x’s and o’s. So, they had to give that a rest too, give everything more of a break than they’d initially planned. Alex had said he’d walk with Clay or Jess or Sheri or whoever between classes, and it was just a few days, and it should be no big deal. Especially for Zach, who had lots of other people he could hang with. And it wasn’t like they wouldn’t see each other around before Thursday.

He wasn’t sure who Alex had been trying to convince more, Zach or himself.

Even so, Zach wasn’t sure where the lines were, and the urge to find Alex, help him around, was already a near constant itch. If he could afford to skip- he still wouldn’t.

He wanted to see Alex in the halls, hang out with everyone, sneak handholds and carry his boyfriend’s backpack around. How lame was that?

Zach let himself sit in the car, hands tight on the steering wheel and eyes closed, until whatever song Alex had put in his music library ended, then shoved everything back and went into the school.

Just a few more days.

He’d try to think like he’d promised he would, but mostly Zach thought he’d pass the days like this, locking everything down and muscling through, pretending like he wasn’t searching out Alex in the hall.

It was almost funny. Over two years now he’d known Alex, and somehow, the more things changed, the more he found really was just the same.

He had no idea what that meant, but as soon as the thought occurred to Zach, he couldn’t get it out of his head. That morning, his mom had said he needed to keep his eyes forward, forget what came before. Those words were a mantra, one he’d heard so often and for so long that it should be tattooed somewhere in his brain. Maybe she was right, but it felt like the more Zach tried to heed her advice and ignore the past, the more it crept up on him. And the worse everything got.

This week was supposed to be about trying a different approach, wasn’t it? Or kind of, anyway?

Maybe that was exactly what he needed to do here.

It felt absurd. It felt terrifying.

Maybe, in this case, that meant it was right.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_August 17th, 2016_

“Check out the new fag.”

Monty’s elbow was in Zach’s side, his eyes pointedly on a guy walking down the hall toward them, eyes moving between class numbers and locker numbers and the paper in his hands.

“You checking out guys now, Monty?”

Bryce was smirking coolly. He bumped his fist against Justin’s offered one.

Zach glanced back at the dude. He was wearing some kind of cardigan over a button up, and his eyes flitted up to meet Zach’s briefly. He swallowed, looked away, picked up his pace moving past them.

“Hey faggot, where you going?”

Monty’s raucous laughter was all around them. Bryce was shaking his head in a mock rebuke, amusement on his lips.

“Do you even know he likes cock, Montgomery, or do you just hope he does?”

Zach joined in with the snickering on that one, even though it was a dumb joke, and he knew it.

“You saw his fucking hair. That shit’s queer as hell.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” Justin said, but he was laughing.

“You gotta rein in the wishful thinking,” Zach added, his voice full of faux admonishment.

“Hey, now, boy’s got a point.”

Bryce thumped Monty on the back and Monty grinned, almost preened a little at the attention. Sick.

Zach and Justin exchanged eye rolls.

“Alright, I gotta head. Boys.”

“Us too,” Zach nodded at Justin. “Baitz is a hardass from what I’ve heard.”

“Cool, alright, take it easy brother,” Bryce and Justin clapped one another’s backs, the rest of them nodding and bumping fists as they parted ways.

When they got to their World History class with Baitz, Justin nudged into Zach with his shoulder, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows pointedly.

The kid from before was there, conspicuous with his bleached blond hair, weird clothes, and _is that a piercing?_

“You think Monty’s right?” Zach asked, trying to be quiet. The room was still mostly empty around them but more and more kids were bustling in. “You think he’s a- that he’s queer or whatever?”

Justin shrugged.

“Who the fuck knows man? But I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be because of his hair. Monty’s such a dumbass.” Justin shook his head, grinning.

Zach looked back at the new boy. His eyes were on Zach, kind of narrowed. Zach tried to smile at him, a little awkwardly, and the dude shook his head and looked down. Zach couldn’t clearly see his face, but he noticed what looked like the start of a dimple in one cheek.

His throat felt dry.

“You. Name.”

Crap. Zach turned to face Baitz and offered him a grin that was probably too bright.

“Uh, Zach Dempsey. Sir.”

“Dempsey. And you?”

“Justin. Foley.”

Justin’s smile was easier, more charming and natural on his face than Zach’s could probably ever be, but their teacher only looked impatiently through it.

“You see that,” he gestured to the chalkboard on the side of the room where seven papers were taped in a row. “Those are your assigned seats for the semester. Find them. Memorize them. Live in them.”

Zach and Justin chorused back agreement to him and hastened to the papers, then to their spots. And just Zach’s luck-

“Uh, I think you’re in my seat.”

The new dude looked up at him, nose and forehead wrinkled.

“No. No way.”

“Uh,” Zach stared at him, disconcerted, then looked over at Justin. His best friend was watching, eyes gleaming with amusement. “That’s sixteen.”

“No,” the boy shook his head. He was looking at Zach like he thought he might be playing dumb or something.

He picked up his hand from the edge of the label on his desk, and Zach wanted to have the floor swallow him up for a minute.

“It’s fifteen. Sixteen is that one.” It was the desk right next to him, because, of course it was.

“Shit, sorry.”

The dude glanced up at him and shifted in his seat. His eyes were blue as hell, his arms skinny and crossed loosely over his chest. Zach noticed headphones peeking out from under the collar of his shirt.

He looked away and dropped his bag over the back of his chair, sitting down in what he hoped was a totally smooth and casual way. The class was about full now, and the teacher started talking, passing out papers reviewing shit like classroom rules and grading policies. Despite himself, Zach found his eyes going again to the boy next to him. He couldn’t know for sure, but he thought that when he looked away he could feel the dude’s eyes on him too.

He felt warm all over, hyper-aware of his long limbs and all the space they took up, of how his bangs hung a little into his eyes and his hair was plain, dark, slightly greasy from the morning’s run.

He got partnered with the dude on his other side- Ray, who had been in a couple classes with Zach last year- for the introduction deal Baitz wanted them to do: asking five interview questions and compiling them into a mini-history of the person they were assigned, to be presented the next day.

Zach already kind of knew Ray and vice versa, so he didn’t feel too bad about procrastinating the interview portion to listen in on the new kid and his interview with Mary Sanchez. Their initial greetings were soft, but thankfully she went first on asking him questions.

Zach honestly couldn’t even bring himself to care that it was probably weird to be so interested in this random dude who may or may not be into other dudes. He just wanted a name to put to the face, to the distinctive hair, sharp jaw, blue eyes. There was nothing wrong with that.

“Full name?” Mary asked, already sounding a little bored.

“Um, Alexander Dean Standall. But everyone just calls me Alex.”

Alex.

Zach wrote the name down without thinking on his own interview paper, then blinked down at it, shook his head, and scribbled over the name, writing his own partner’s on the line next to it.

“What’s Ray short for again?” Zach asked.

“Rayhan,” Ray replied, and spelled it out. “Then Ali Sha. I know Zach is short for Zachary, but what’s your middle name again?”

Zach spelled his middle name for Ray to write down, not the first time and wouldn’t be the last, but he was still mostly listening for Mary’s next question to Alex.

“Siblings?” Ray asked. “You have a younger sister right?”

“Yeah, May. She’s six years younger.”

A few feet from Zach, Mary was asking Alex where he’d moved from.

“Nevada. Near the Washoe Valley, not Vegas or anything. It was… pretty small.”

“Is that where you grew up before you came here?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Alex said. “But I was actually born here- or not here the city but here in California.”  He sounded kind of awkward, maybe even a little shy but like he was trying to hide it. Zach could relate to that.

“Oh. Do you have a favorite subject?”

Zach managed to hear him answer something about music before Ray poked him in the hand with a pencil to reclaim his attention.

“Dude. Come on, we’ve gotta get through this. What did you want to be as a kid when you grew up and what do you want to be now?”

“Uh… Shit.”

Zach actually had to think for a minute about that one.

“I wanted to be a baseball player or a professional SCUBA diver when I was little. Now, I’m undecided. I’ve been looking at marine biology lately, though.”

Ray scribbled down Zach’s answer with an impressed look, which was honestly a nice change of pace. Most of the time, all he got to be was boring, predictable, and practically invisible. He blended right in with all his friends, and it was fine, _he was fine_ , but even a second of feeling seen for just himself, of maybe not being exactly what he was expected to be, was also really nice.

Zach could hear Alex saying something about his first concert, his voice hesitant and self-deprecating and faltering in places, even as Mary started laughing at his story. Zach wanted to ask him to tell it, whatever it was, again, but forced his attention back to Ray. He had to focus. He’d heard Alex’s name, and then some, so there was no good reason to keep eavesdropping.

When class let out, Justin caught up with him in the hall and thumped him on the back just in time to see one of the new girls scurry by. Hannah, he was pretty sure. She’d helped host that party with Kat he hadn’t gotten into.

“She is so hot,” Justin said.

She was. Zach nodded, and let his eyes linger on her as she walked away.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

The first thing Zach realized: Ray, his usual partner in this class, was out sick. The second: Justin had already charmed one of the few girls in this class that was not only hot, but also good at the subject and way up Mr, Baitz’s ass, into working with him. No way could Zach ask that Justin ditch her to be his partner instead. Bro code or some shit.

Who was left?

Automatically, his eyes caught on Alex’s hair to his right, then took in that the other boy was still glancing between his open textbook and the rapidly diminishing pool of potential partners like he wasn’t sure what to do or who might work with him.

It made sense that he was holding back some. Zach had seen him hanging out in the halls and stuff with Hannah and the other new girl this semester, Jessica, but no-one else- and even that had only started in the last week or two.

For someone that stood out so much, the dude had done a pretty good job of sticking to the fringes so far at Liberty. Probably for the best. The guys were still all convinced his hair made him a fag or whatever, but outside of occasionally getting shit yelled at him in the halls, Alex had avoided becoming a real target yet.

Zach suspected it was exactly because he stayed low key and seemed to know his place. It had to be lonely, but then, Zach felt that way often, himself, even with all his friends.

Whatever. Best not to think about it.

“Hey.”

Zach cleared his throat a little and moved to drop into the empty seat in front of Alex, straddling the back of the chair so he could face him.

Alex looked up, dimples already deep in his cheeks.

“Hey,” he said back, regarding Zach. His voice was easy and open, his eyes warm, but more watchful than he sounded, almost guarded.

“You’re not already taken, right?”

“Like, in the Liam Neeson way or as a partner?”

Zach stared for a second, then laughed as the joke registered.

“Either?”

“Yeah, neither one applies, actually. Unfortunately.”

“I’m down to fix the first if you are.”

Alex’s face crinkled.

“Zach. I mean, it’s Zach, right?”

Zach nodded. He kind of suspected Alex had known, but was trying play it cool. If he were a girl, it’d be fucking cute.

It kind of still was, and maybe weird but in a nice way. Not cute cute. Not like a girl smiling at a book or doing a sweet dance or doodling hearts or whatever. More like a puppy trying to act tough cute. That kind.

Zach curled his hand tighter over the back of the chair and made himself focus on what Alex was saying.

“Look, that’s cool and all, but I think I probably need a partner for this more than I need some buff dude to rescue me from a kidnapper. Unless you know something I don’t.”

What was it with Zach and making himself look dumb? And always at the worst times, too.

“No! No, uh, I said that wrong. I meant the other one. I just thought we could be partners. I mean, like, if you did get kidnapped, obviously I’d-”

“Dude,” Alex interrupted, looking far too entertained and a lot more at ease than he’d been a minute ago.

Shit, right.

“So… partners?”

“Sure. Yeah, okay.”

“Great.”

Zach had already made enough a fool of himself, so he tried to sound aloof, but it was hard when Alex looked about as relaxed as Zach had ever seen him. Maybe it was just because he thought Zach was too dumb or lame now to be a threat. Maybe, though, it was something else. Zach would like to think it was. Like Alex could tell that Zach wasn’t out to make fun of him or be a dick the way a lot of the guys still were.

Either way, stupid or not, he was kind of psyched to work with Alex, get to know someone a little different. Maybe they could even become something like friends.

The project was going to span the next month or some shit, the first big one of the semester. They were supposed to randomly pick a country in the continent or part of the continent they were currently discussing (which was Western Europe for now) via some kind of lottery; then, they needed to research whatever place they got, put together a presentation about it, write a three page essay discussing what they’d learned, and bring in an artifact related to the culture, something like a food or an actual item like native currency or even clothing if they could manage it. Blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit, whatever.

History wasn’t exactly Zach’s best subject; memorizing dates and names was just so much harder and less interesting than memorizing plays and team rosters. Alex, however, seemed to have a pretty good grip on it, from what little Zach had seen.

Maybe with Alex’s help, he could swing a good grade instead of just a barely passing one.

“You two are partners?”

“Yes, sir,” Alex said, and Zach echoed him.

Mr. Baitz nodded and noted their names, then held out a jar filled with scraps of paper, barely looking at them.

“Take one. No cheating.”

“Go ahead,” Zach told Alex, who kind of smiled like he was surprised but dutifully grabbed a paper.

“Finland,” Alex said after a second, telling Zach more than their waiting teacher.

“Nice.”

They exchanged their information towards the end of class, putting phone numbers in one another’s contact lists, and texting their addresses to each other, since they’d definitely need to work on the project outside of school. The rest of class period was spent plotting out what their strengths might be, what topics they might want to cover, and figuring out when they could work together outside of school between their schedules. Alex was apparently in jazz band, but their practice always got out before football did, and they didn’t have a concert until after the project deadline.

On the way to communications class second period, Justin expressed his sympathy for Zach not having a cooler partner or at least a hot one. Zach didn’t know how to explain just how little he cared, that he hadn’t even thought about it until Justin brought it up, so he kept his mouth shut and settled for nodding in what seemed like the right places.

They met up at Alex’s house the next Saturday since Alex said no-one else would be home and Zach figured that meant it would be easier to concentrate- which it was, but only for about an hour.

He’d underestimated how easy Alex would be to hang out with and how quickly they’d both get distracted.

“I don’t think we’ll need music for a powerpoint.”

“Are you kidding? Dude. The music will make our project way cooler than everyone else’s. Plus, it’s a good excuse not to talk as much. Trust me.”

Zach looked sideways at Alex. He was scouring a page on popular Finnish music, the glow from the laptop highlighting his features, how blue his eyes were, the furrow between his dark eyebrows, the movement of his lips as he periodically mouthed something he read or along to a brief audio clip, almost without realizing he was doing it.

He looked away quickly, scanning over the rest of Alex’s room.

“Oh, hey! Is that Halo 5?”

Alex looked over.

“Yeah. You like it?”

“It’s not bad,” Zach said, then paused, and shot Alex his most charming grin. “We could use a break, right?”

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“So,” Justin started, leaning toward Alex a little in a way that made Zach instantly suspicious, “Standall. Alex. You got any crushes at Liberty yet?”

“Uh, why?” Alex squinted at Justin over the top of some kind of coffee flavored milkshake. “Do you?”

Justin grinned wolfishly, and, man, if Zach could take back his shrugged allowance of Justin tagging along with him to see Alex today, that would be great.

“Hannah Baker’s pretty hot. You’re friends with her, aren’t you?”

“You could say that. She and Jess are pretty much my best friends so...”

Alex’s eyes were wary, going between Zach and Justin

“That’s impressive,” Zach spoke up, crossing his fingers that Justin would get the fucking message and switch subjects. “That you’re best friends already. I mean, it’s been like two months since school started.”

“Yeah, well. We get each other, I guess.”

“You paint each other’s nails and gossip about boys?”

“Dude,” Zach protested, but Alex smiled, looking at Justin evenly.

“Yeah, but only on Wednesdays. Thursdays we practice kissing, and then Friday is obviously when we get high and have orgies.”

“Wait- what?”

Zach’s voice came out too high, but neither of his friends seemed to notice.

“No shit! Are you serious?”

“No.”

Alex’s voice was flat, but his eyes were smiling as he took a long drink of his shake. Zach swallowed and took a swig of his own, looking at Justin.

Justin was grinning, shaking his head. He pulled the straw out of his milkshake and gestured at Alex with it. Specks of ice cream landed on Alex’s face, and he swiped a finger over them as he listened, putting it in his mouth. Zach licked his lips and looked away, grabbing a few fries from the middle of the table.

“Okay, you’re funny. Are you always funny?”

Alex shrugged, one-sided. Something in his face seemed like it was relaxing.

“He’s always funny. I told you that.”

Zach chased the salt from the fries with another quick slurp of his drink. He had to force himself not to look at Alex as he spoke, just in case he gave the wrong impression or something.

“Yeah, yeah. I ever tell you you’re starting to sound like your mom?”

“Fuck off, Foley.”

Alex was laughing across from Zach, and it occurred to Zach how easy this still was. For all their differences, somehow Alex had already won over Justin and it was looking more and more like he could even fit in with the rest of Zach’s friends. He never would have seen it coming, but it was the best development he could have asked for. Zach liked being kind-of friends with Alex, but he’d been worried once their project was over, the guys would start asking questions, and eventually they’d make him choose. And that would be that, because between Alex and the group of friends, teammates, and connections he’d been cultivating for years, there wasn’t genuinely a choice.

If he could actually just bring Alex into the group, none of it would be a problem.

And if Justin really did like hanging with him, that was a huge step. As much as Zach was friends with Bryce, Justin was the one with the inside track. If Justin was behind Alex hanging with them, Bryce would give him a chance, and so would everyone else.

Zach busied himself with his shake, eyes on Justin as Alex cracked a couple jokes about Freud and other famously fucked up theorists. He looked thoroughly amused.

“So, Standall. You’re having lunch with us tomorrow right?”

Zach nodded slightly when Alex looked at him, trying not to let on how he was holding his breath.

“Uh, yeah. I guess. I mean, that’d be cool.”

And that was that. Fucking lunch. Alex was in.

This was too good.

“You’re not actually gay, right?”

Zach about choked on the fry he’d just put in his mouth. Fucking hell Justin.

“No. Not gay,” Alex said simply.

“There were just some rumors when you first started, that’s all.”

It was a pitiful attempt at a reassurance or something, but thankfully Alex barely looked at Zach and didn’t acknowledge the words at all. There was nothing in his face that said he was offended or hurt. Still.

Not gay. That was good.  It wasn’t something he cared about, per se, but since when did that matter?

It was the world they lived in, the school they went to, the crowd Zach ran with. Alex not being into guys was essential if he was going to actually get brought into the group. That kind of thing didn’t fly. It was an unspoken but cardinal rule, one Zach had been aware of since maybe even his peewee days. Hell, even if he was were to be kind of into guys, which obviously he wasn’t since he definitely was into chicks, the key was not saying anything aloud. Focus on the stuff that would work going forward- like girls.

Liberty High was crap for a lot of things, but there was no shortage of cute girls to look at. Zach thought briefly of Hannah- her blue eyes, her attitude, her curves- and took another long drink, reminding himself that for now she was Justin’s to chase.

“You should put in a good word for me with Hannah. I bumped into her in the hall the other day, and I totally think she’s into me.”

“That is so not happening.”

Alex ran a hand through his hair and sighed, glancing at Zach, then at Justin again.

“But- and I know this might sound crazy- but you could try just talking to her yourself. You know? That’s a thing people do.”

“I’ve heard of that,” Zach added. “Kind of old fashioned but it might work.”

Justin grinned and told them to shut the fuck up, but Zach could see him thinking about it and knew Alex could too. There was a twinge of jealousy at the thought of Justin and Hannah, but, again, it was easy enough to ignore. So what if Zach also liked her, or thought he might be starting to anyway? Justin was miles better with girls, and Zach had seen how Hannah looked at him. Out of all the guys, Justin was like chick kryptonite.

Besides, he’d move on eventually. And probably Zach still wouldn’t have a shot, but who knew what the future held?

Anyway, the more important thing was that today had been a victory, one Zach hadn’t expected.

Zach knew that. What he didn't know was why, if all that were true, he was still so on edge. 

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

“You don’t really like Bryce, do you?”

Zach kept his eyes focused on the TV as he spoke, figuring if he didn’t look directly at Alex it was like there was no pressure- and maybe if there was no pressure he wouldn’t get defensive the way Justin always did and would instead just answer.

“What gave me away?”

Zach thought he felt Alex turn slightly to glance at him, so he let his eyes flick over.

He hadn’t expected the admission to come so easily or maybe even at all. But then, Alex always surprised him with what he was and wasn’t willing to say aloud, even sarcastically.

“You’ll get used to him,” he replied eventually. “On your left. He’s actually pretty great. Always has killer parties. And he’s… Fuck, thanks. He’s got your back as long as you can prove you’ve got his.”

“Yeah, sounds like he’s got a really kind heart.”

“Dude.”

“Look,” Alex said, “I don’t care. I can play games with the guy, and he’s...almost not terrible. It’s whatever. He doesn’t know or doesn’t give a shit whether I like or don’t like him anyway, right?”

“True,” Zach admitted. “So, you’ll keep hanging out?”

“Yeah, Zach. Of course. Who else would I hang out with?”

Zach thought about that one for just long enough to help Alex take down a big cluster of zombies.

“You’re friends with Hannah and Jessica still aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but. It’s a little weird because I’m kind of into Jess, and you know, Hannah’s got a lot going on with that stupid picture going around. Anyway,” Alex took a breath and aimed last minute for the zombie that had just reached him, “my dad really likes that I have male friends now.”

“Yeah?” Zach asked, admittedly kind of entertained. “What- is he, like, a real guy’s guy?”

“You could say that,” Alex replied noncommittally.

“Was he an athlete?”

“Uh, I guess. I mean, he played football in high school, but I don’t really think he was that good. He also played some baseball. Allegedly.”

It wasn’t information he’d expected. He’d kind of thought maybe Alex’s dad was a rocker or maybe a businessman who’d had a band in his garage back in the day. Something that fit more with who Alex was.

“Maybe you should try out for one of the teams or something then,” he suggested, only kind of kidding. He’d heard some things about Alex’s ineptitude in gym class rivalling even Clay Jensen’s, but it was worth a shot. “It could be in your blood.”

“No, I-” Alex paused long enough to shoot two zombies that had been almost on top of Zach’s character, and Zach would have been embarrassed about how much Alex was fucking carrying them in the game right now, but he’d made his peace a while ago with the fact that Alex’s gaming skills were superior to his own.

Plus, he was kind of enjoying being able to talk like this. Being able to listen. Alex was easy to listen to.

“I’m pretty sure my brother got all the athletic genes or whatever. My parents put me in tee-ball once when I was like seven, and I gave myself a black eye trying to hit the ball.”

“You have a brother?” Zach asked when he was done snickering.

“Yeah. You have a sister, right? May?”

“Yeah.” Zach was impressed he’d remembered, though he tried not to let it show. “She’ll be eleven in January. How about your brother? I’ve never heard you mention him before.”

“Peter’s older. He just turned twenty-one this summer. He called me, like completely wasted, and spent thirty minutes trying to convince me we should get matching tattoos. We’re… not close.”

“If you tried out for one of the teams, maybe you could, I don’t know, bond with him some.”

Zach couldn’t really imagine having a sibling and not being close to them.

“What sports did he do?”

“Football and baseball. And swim team one year.”

Huh. Well.

“You could swim,” Zach suggested. “You’ve got kind of the body for it, right? You just need to put on some muscle, but it’s good for swimmers to be small. May swims, actually.”

“Uh, thanks Zach.” Zach glanced sideways in time to see Alex roll his eyes. “The comparison to your sister really sold that one. You know I’m, like, an average height, right? You’re just freakishly giant.”

“You’re shorter than Justin and Monty,” Zach laughed.

“Fuck off.”

“And it’s not so much being short,” Zach continued after a moment. He had to force himself to continue looking at the video game and not at Alex as he spoke. “It’s also muscle mass.”

“Fuck off,” Alex repeated, huffing out something that sounded like a laugh.

“Well... You’ve definitely got the build for- what is it, jazz band?”

Alex groaned and paused the game, flopping backwards on his bed. Zach almost laid down next to him, but he thought maybe that would be weird, and he could only imagine what the guys would have said if they saw.

Instead, he turned slightly and pulled one of his knees up onto the bed.

“Sorry,” he said after a moment.

He wanted to say more, maybe call himself on possibly being an asshole, which really wasn’t how he liked to think of himself. Maybe make it clear that he didn’t actually think Alex was as small as he and the guys were always giving him shit for, and that he definitely wasn’t, like, bad to look at.

“I really don’t care,” Alex told him. “I’m used to it anyway.”

Zach thought maybe the first part was a lie, but he really didn’t know Alex well enough to say for sure- and even if he did, he wouldn’t call him out on it.

“Do you want to try a different game?” Alex asked. “I’ve got the Doom reboot. That’s pretty cool.”

“Tired of zombies?” Zach asked. “Or just of having to watch my back?”

“Both,” Alex replied, and sat up and looked at Zach. “You ever try E before?”

“E? As in ecstacy? Uh, no. Why?”

Alex made a low sound in the back of his throat and stood, going and grabbing his guitar. He strummed it a few times, then sat down on his bed again with it in hand. Zach had only seen him play once before for some impromptu performance at school, but he’d seemed like he was pretty good. Alex started tuning it almost automatically, looking anywhere but Zach as he spoke again.

“I did it once before we moved here. Just been thinking about it. It’s nice to get out of your own head for a while, you know?”

“Yeah, I think I get that.”

Zach got it a little from drinking and occasionally smoking pot, but mostly from training. When shit got too heavy, he could focus on running or working out, and the world would be clearer after.

“Well, there’s a guy on the baseball team you could hit up. Jeff. He’s nice. Doesn’t really hang much with Bryce and the rest of us, but I bet he’d help you out if you want.”

Alex nodded but didn’t otherwise respond.

“You know, we drink and smoke and all that shit at Bryce’s. I don’t get high a lot but if you want to…”

Still nada. Zach cleared his throat and seized the first subject change he could think of.

“So. Jess, huh?”

That got his attention back.

“Yeah. I don’t know. It’s crazy that she’d like me, but I think she might? We’re hanging out just the two of us Friday, and I kind of think something might happen, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Crazy wasn’t the word for it that Zach would use. Jess wasn’t his type, but she was definitely hot. She could have been with any number of guys if she wanted but being into Alex kind of made sense. Wasn’t that what everyone supposedly wanted- a good friend they could screw around with or whatever? Especially girls, but even Bryce sometimes talked about wanting loyalty as much as he wanted ass.

Zach would be happy if he could get either, honestly. He was really good at fucking up that kind of thing.

Zach reached out to poke Alex in the shoulder.

“Looking to chip in your V-card?”

It was the dumbest thing he could say, the kind of lame joke he’d heard from the guys a thousand times and only really thought was funny once. Alex huffed some approximation of a laugh, looking down at his fingers on the strings of his guitar.

“Totally. Yeah, that’s definitely- that’s definitely what I was going for.” Alex laughed again, a self-conscious sound Zach was going to completely ignore.

If Alex and Jess did date, the guys would say worse. He’d have to get used to it.

Zach clapped him on the shoulder and stood, stretching.

“Come on. Let’s go. Just gotta make the food for our presentation, and we’re done with this fucking project. I’m so ready.”

“Right,” Alex said, standing as well and putting his guitar away. “I found a recipe for these, like, Finnish cinnamon rolls. Looks good and not too hard.”

“Finnish cinnamon rolls? What’s the difference between those and the American ones?”

“Uh, different shape, kind of. And there’s brown sugar and...cardamom or something? They’re not really cinnamon rolls, just similar. I forgot the technical name, but- whatever. They looked fucking delicious, okay?”

Zach shrugged, grinning.

“Okay. Yeah. Respect for Finland and all that. You’re not totally shit at baking, right?”

Alex pushed him lightly, one corner of his mouth pulling up.

“No, but you better carry your weight. Teamwork should be a thing of yours, shouldn’t it?”

“Oh, totally. Go team.”

Just like that, any tension was gone. Everything was chill and easy again.

They burned the first batch of cinnamon pastries, or _korvapuusti_ , because they were so busy laughing and talking, getting another game set up on the downstairs console. That was fine. There was time to keep trying. Zach had to think he could keep doing this with Alex for hours and still not get bored.

He wouldn’t say it aloud- not to Alex or anyone else. He couldn’t. He was pretty sure it would sound weird, like too much.

Zach let Alex play music as loudly as he wanted while they worked together, and let himself get absorbed in the strains of strange sound and rhythms of baking. It was too easy.

It was too right.

Less than a week later, Jess and Alex were officially dating. Zach didn’t go back to Alex’s house for another four months.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

Zach’s dad died three weeks after the end of sophomore year.

The world was gray, but it was like nobody else saw it or wanted to talk about it.

Zach wasn’t sure he’d know what to say even if they did.

When the news broke, texts streamed in. One or two calls. Fifty fucking texts.

Zach said he’d see everyone the next day and turned off his phone.

When he saw Justin, his best friend pulled him in for a rare hug. Said, “It’s fucking bullshit.” And Zach had felt, for just a second, like the words screaming in his chest had been pulled right out. A little of the pressure eased off.

And Justin said, “How about some distraction?” And wrapped Zach’s fingers around a bong.

Zach shook his head, pushed it back into Justin’s hands.

He didn’t want a distraction. He didn’t know what the fuck he wanted, other than his dad back.

Alex hugged him, tight but fleeting.

“I’m sorry,” he offered, voice sincere, hushed as if to keep the sentiment just between them.

His eyes met Zach’s, and almost like he was forcing the words out and they were supposed to mean something else, he told Zach, “We don’t have to talk about it. Unless you want to.”

“No.”

Zach’s voice was abrupt, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Alex nodded, and stepped back, taking the bong from Justin. Bryce clasped Zach’s shoulder bracingly.

“Man, it sucks. I’m sorry, brother. Already sent a flower arrangement over for your mom, but let me know if we can help with money or anything. My parents are more than happy to write a check or make some calls for mama Dempsey. Cool?”

“Yeah,” Zach said. His voice sounded bland, flat. Wrong.

Everything did, but what did that matter?

More hands shook his, awkwardly patted his back. Zach would almost rather they didn’t do anything. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

But this was what he had. There was nothing better on the horizon. He had to just handle it.

He came back the next day, let the empty words and gestures surround him. It was half like everybody had forgotten already.  

And then, a text. From Hannah, of all people.

 **Hannah** _Sorry about your dad._

No fake-ass follow-up. No reminder that he shouldn’t be talking about it or that people would only listen if he obliged them to.

Hannah, just reaching out.

Zach normally might have tried to blow past it. Today, he was tired. It felt like all the words he was holding inside might kill him, like they might solidify and obstruct his airway. Zach was going to fucking suffocate, and his friends would barely even look up from their video game.

He didn’t feel bad leaving.

⚣;⚣;⚣;⚣

_Thursday October 18, 2018_

The office aide was at the door, which meant Alex was leaving for the day. Right on time. Zach reached out, tapping him on the wrist as he went by, and Alex looked back at him, something soft in his eyes. Zach didn’t look away until his boyfriend was gone, but when he did, Jess’s eyes were where his own had been.

When she realized she’d been spotted, Jess smiled weakly, more like a grimace than anything, and said, “Thursdays suck, huh?”

“The worst.”

He was hoping this one would have its bright spots, but dread was heavy in Zach’s stomach. Yesterday he’d stopped in to see Singh, and he thought talking to her had helped him get a clearer idea of what he wanted and how he felt, but, a day removed, that sense had faded. It wasn’t even just the distance between he and Alex, but also with everyone else. It had been a long while since Zach had felt so alone, and it was oppressive. This disconnect was familiar, but it was nothing he wanted.

He had no clue how to bridge it, only that he had to try.

“Your translation’s all over the place.”

Zach looked up to see Jess, a friendly but still strained smile on her face, gone within seconds.

“Señora Davila just said to pair up. I thought I’d see if you wanted to. For the peer review.”   

It was on the tip of his tongue to refuse, but Zach bit the urge down. Things were still so weird with Jess, oscillating between them being staunchly on the same page and in completely different chapters. He cared about her as much as he always had, but it was hard not to get hung up on wanting to defend Alex or make it clear that he wasn’t Jess’s to string along again, unintentional or not.

Which was totally unfair. And totally not what Alex had said he wanted. So…

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let’s do it.” Zach counted out a breath, and he thought that when he smiled at her it was kinder and more sincere than it had maybe been in some time. “You’re like a million times better at this than me, anyway.”

“True.”

Jess grinned, dropping into the seat in front of him and taking his paper. He took hers in turn, though he knew already his review was going to be weak as fuck. Spanish was already a subject he was pretty mediocre in, and he really wasn’t on his game lately.

Probably good he was benched for tomorrow. Even if his ankle was barely bothering him so far today.

They worked steadily through the rest of the hour, and Zach actually felt a little better about things with her and his ability to mend fences with everyone else by the time the bell rang. He had just practice and study group to get through now, then he could go and get Alex. They could talk, and they could fix this. All of it.

“You have football now, right?”

Jess had already gotten her bag together and was looking at him expectantly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Cool. I’ll walk with you.”

He almost told her “thanks, but no thanks”, but there was an anxiety radiating off her he couldn’t bring himself to ignore.

“Yeah, alright.” Zach waited until they were out of the classroom to ask the obvious follow up question. “What’s going on?”

“I just-” Jess sighed, tightening her grip on her bag slightly. “I thought I saw Bryce earlier. In the parking lot.”

“What?”

“I don’t know if it was him,” she hurried to elaborate. “He wasn’t in his car, but- I mean, I don’t know. But it’s been messing with me all day. It’s been a year, and sometimes I still feel like I’m going crazy. It doesn’t help that everything’s weird with our friends.”

She looked sideways at him, a little pointed, and Zach shifted his backpack on his shoulders uneasily.

“It’s probably just the Hillcrest game coming up that’s messing with you.”

“Probably.” Jess paused, and he heard her breath hitch before she carried on like nothing. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Speaking of the game, though, I don’t think I’m going to make that one. Sorry. Sheri, Chloe, and I are doing this girls’ night thing. Maybe Courtney and Tamika too. Too many triggers, too much testosterone. You know?”

“That makes sense.”

Honestly, it might be good not to have to worry about the girls being there. Thankfully, Bryce wasn’t a real danger for any of the others; maybe that meant Zach would have an easier time focusing.

Jess tugged on his arm lightly as they approached the locker room, leading him off to the side of the hall. He glanced around warily, but no-one of concern was in sight.

“You know, you can talk to me too.”

Zach forced himself to look at Jess again, floundering for something to say that wouldn’t be a lie.

“I know.”

It was the best he could think of, but it didn’t seem to reassure her.

“Okay, but you’re not. You’ve been weird. Especially with me.”

Zach let out a gust of air, feeling his hands clench at his sides. It was true, and he knew it. The fact that he understood didn’t help all that much, though. He already had to have some big, fucking emotional talk with Alex later today. Wasn’t one enough? It sure as shit was for him.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he tried.

Jess took a half step back, her arms crossing over her chest, shoulders pulled up.

“Sorry only does so much. You could at least tell me what I did.”

“Everyone’s been-.”

“No,” Jess said, shutting him right down. “Everyone’s been a little pissy, sure, whatever. This has been going on a lot longer than that bullshit. Is it still the fact that I cheated on Alex? Because I keep thinking it can’t possibly be that, but it’s also the only thing I can think of.”

“Yeah, it’s a little that,” Zach snapped back at her. Heat was rising under his skin. “I know everybody else is over it, but-“

The words stopped coming. He didn’t know what to say. What exactly did he have to hold against Jess? It wasn’t like she was going to cheat on Alex again. And he couldn’t exactly hold some bullshit moral grudge without being the biggest hypocrite. He had his own shit, but there was no concrete excuse he could give her.

For fuck’s sake.

“Look.” Jess sighed. “Whatever.”

“Jess.”

Jess shook her head.

“Nevermind. You clearly don’t want to tell me what your deal is, but can you at least tell me what’s happening with those assholes for jumping you and Alex?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing,” Jess repeated, incredulous. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Zach hated it- of course he did- but it didn’t feel like there was another choice.

He and Alex had been on the same page about keeping names to themselves and riding things out. Zach mostly because he kept thinking about Monty’s threat at the end, that he’d do worse that he had to Tyler somehow. Zach had no idea what that meant, but he also wasn’t going to risk it. They’d seen what going to the authorities had done last time, and it was jack shit.

If they could keep their heads down, especially through the end of the football season, hopefully Monty and the others would chill the fuck out. Then, this could be a non-issue.

Sure, Alex wasn't great at keeping his head down. Monty wasn’t great at letting shit go.

It was still the only plan they had.

“You saw how much they fucked up Alex. And me. We push back, rat anyone out, and shit just gets worse.”

Jess swallowed but nodded.

“Yeah. I hate it, but I guess that makes sense. And you’re okay playing with them still?”

“I’m handling it.”

Jess stared at him for another moment, then said quietly, “Okay.”

“Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been a jackass. I’ll work on it. There’s just a lot…”

“Oh, I know. Me too.”

Shame dug into his stomach, razor sharp.

“I’ll see you at study group,” Jess said, her voice about as uncomfortable as he felt. “Good luck out there.”

“Later.”

Zach’s voice was too quiet, and Jess too far away by the time he said it, for the affirmation to matter. She probably hadn’t heard him speak at all.

It wasn’t worth repeating.

Practice was brutal, like it had been the rest of the week. Monty and his crows weren’t even bothering to lay low, apparently counting on the fact that if Zach or Alex had named names they’d have known already. They were right, of course, but it was still a load of crap. Thankfully, since last Friday’s debacle, they’d at least limited themselves to talking shit instead of anything physical. Words could be managed. Anything more right now and Zach might very well find himself being interrogated about some _mysterious disappearances_ by his boyfriend’s dad.

A few more hours until he could reunite with Alex and hopefully get past all this drama.

Zach dawdled on the field after practice, stretching and tossing a ball from one hand to the other while his teammates filtered inside. He hadn’t even bothered to change today or pretty much at all this week. The less time spent in the locker room the better. Coach had said he could hang out in the weight room if he wanted, but Zach wasn’t about to touch that place with a ten foot pole. With everyone inside, he could take a minute to focus, try to relax his body one muscle at a time, breathe in sunlight and grass and pretend everything was fine. It helped, kind of. A run would have done more, but he’d work with what was in front of him. Better that than not doing anything at all.

Even taking the extra time, Zach got to Clay’s house within minutes of everyone else, bumping shoulders with Justin as they raced up the stairs. Clay and Justin had new bags of chips for the group to share, though Clay was clearly unconvinced it was a good idea. Zach thought it was fucking brilliant, personally.

Today, he needed help with a persuasive essay for english class about the pros and cons of taking a gap year after high school, as well as some of his calc homework. Jess was in the latter class with him, and she immediately seized what he’d done so far, handing him her own english paper to look over. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Clay start going to town with his red pen on what was probably Zach’s essay- he never ripped into Sheri’s that much. Asshole.

“Hey, Zach. Your turn to set up music, man.”

Tony looked restless already, his textbook for bio class open in front of him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I took your week, remember?”

Zach did, but he couldn’t have given less of a shit. The music had been a Tony mandate to begin with, the plan to switch off who got to pick what they actually listened to courtesy of Ryan and Justin’s protestations. Still- probably the dumbest thing in the world to get into it with Tony about, just because he didn’t feel like putting effort into picking shit. Zach settled for something of a compromise, syncing to Clay’s bluetooth radio, throwing his whole library on shuffle, and setting his phone upside down on the rug a few feet from him.

Maybe he should have thought that one through more.

Zach was in the middle of putting a note about how much he liked this comparison Jess had drawn between mold and corruption in the legal system and how both seemed to affect people at the bottom of the food chain or whatever most when the song changed, and Tony said loudly, “Frank Ocean! What the hell, Zach? I’m impressed.”

Zach laughed, only half listening. Jess had used a word he didn’t know the meaning of, and he wasn’t sure if he should circle it to look up or what. What was with these people and their bizarre SAT words sprinkled in everywhere. Should he know it? Was he that behind or was he just surrounded by freakishly smart people these days?

“This is pretty cool,” Justin said, and the toe of his shoe prodded Zach’s knee. “But is it supposed to be gay or just, like, bros that are enlightened or some shit? Like that club Marcus was running last year. The vibe is kinda 'yes-homo', but-”

“It’s definitely supposed to be gay. This song was basically a bisexual anthem a few years ago.”

Ryan’s voice sounded bored, but it was enough to get Zach’s attention.

It was just a song. No-one looked suspicious or even all that interested, other than Tony, Justin, and Sheri, who was moving subtly to the beat as she read.

The key was not to react.

“Hey, Jess, what’s this supposed to mean?”

Jess frowned but moved closer to look at the paper.

“Oh, that’s like when something is poisonous basically.”

“Okay. That makes sense.”

Jess smiled and started to move back to her spot when the song changed again, and she turned back around to squint at him, asking almost in unison with Clay, “Joy Division?”

Their voices were incredulous. From the couch, Ryan made a soft sound, half tut, half suppressed laughter. Justin was pulling a face like _what the fuck is this_? Tony’s eyes were on him, mouth in a line, and Zach was pretty sure Clay’s Yoda comparison had never been so apt.

It’d be really great if  the stupid rug could turn into quicksand about now.

“Dude,” Justin said, “you’ve been spending too much time with Alex.”

“I-” Zach’s face felt like it was on fire.

What the fuck was even happening?

“No, it’s- he just, like, hijacked my phone and put a bunch of his weird music on there one day, so…”

Zach laughed, and it sounded almost normal for how much the word _‘asshole’_ was starting to pound through his brain.

“Oh,” Justin said, and Zach almost thought this was done. He could just pick up his phone and change playlists and- “Oh shit, Alex isn’t bi, is he? Like the last song?”

“Uh.”

“I mean, it’s his business,” Clay said. “But I always kind of figured he was.”

“Oh, me too.” Sheri sounded unconcerned.

Zach kind of felt like he was going to black out or wake up any second now. Waking up would be good.

“Hey, it’d be cool if he was. Do you think I could just text and ask him or are there, like, rules or whatever?”

“There are definitely rules,” Jess spoke up, and for the first time Zach remembered that she already knew about Alex. From the look she was giving him, she was almost definitely putting some pieces together.

“Don’t text him,” Zach added. “Seriously.”

Across from him, Clay was looking from Tony to Jess to Zach, confusion giving way to something else. Disbelief, maybe, and anger. His face was pale and tense, jaw locked tight and gaze narrow as he suddenly stood from his desk chair.

“Holy shit.”

“Clay.”

The warning in Jess’s voice seemed to barely ping his radar.

“You’re fucking kidding. You dick.”

“Clay,” Tony cautioned.

Justin’s face was scrunched up, and when Zach caught his eye, he mouthed, _"what the fuck?"_ looking completely lost.

“Okay.”

Zach took a deep breath, and the song changed again. Another of Alex’s bands Zach couldn’t even remember the name of. Something obscure and indie and very obviously not Zach’s though.

They were already talking about Alex. Might as well rip off this bandaid, right? He could leave or change the subject if he really wanted, but… no. He couldn’t. He was doing this.

Fuck.

Zach forced himself to meet Clay’s glare head on, then to look at Justin again before he plowed ahead, aiming for cavalier. If he treated this like it wasn’t a big deal, maybe it didn’t have to be. It was a long shot, but he had to go for it regardless.

“So, by the way, I’m dating Alex. That’s a, um, a thing. That’s been happening.”

“I’m going to kill you,” Clay announced. He was practically vibrating with righteous anger.

“Wow. Do you hear yourself right now?”

Ryan seized a pillow, lobbing it in Clay's direction.

There was a slight possibility Zach had been judging Ryan too harshly before now.

“Wait, hold the fuck up, Alex is church girl?”

The hickey wasn’t on Zach’s neck anymore, but he rubbed the spot where it had been anyway. His brain felt like when he overworked a muscle to the point that it became almost numb, uncooperative.

“This feels wrong,” Jess said. “Without Alex. Zach, you don’t want to be having this conversation behind his back.”

She was right. Zach knew that, but he rounded on her anyway. What the fuck else did she expect him to do? They’d all been figuring it out already, hadn’t they? He couldn’t just leave when they already had partially figured out the Alex part, anyway, and, fuck, this had been weeks or months in the making. How was Zach supposed to keep fighting it?

“That’s rich coming from you, isn’t it?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Just like that, Jess was practically seething.

“Are you fucking kidding, Dempsey?”

He’d been so concentrated on Jess and Clay’s furious faces, Justin’s shove took him back a few steps. Zach’s shoulder clipped the book case hard.

“Hold up!”

Sheri had barely raised her voice, but it sounded loud- commanding.

“Hold up,” she repeated. “This is not our business.”

“How is it not?” Clay asked, like the idea it wasn’t was both infuriating and hilarious. “He’s doing to Alex what he did to Hannah.”

“And lying,” Justin added. “Why the fuck would you guys be lying to us?”

“We’re not supposed to be lying to each other,” Courtney chimed in.

Fucking Courtney, queen of hypocrisy, throwing her hat in the ring.

Then, she said, “Oh, no. Is this why you were with Alex and Mr. Standall at Monet’s a couple weeks ago? I must have made that so awkward.”

Like she was embarrassed- like that somehow mattered.

“How long have you been going out with him, Zach?”

Justin looked like he was covering up hurt, or trying to. Zach cleared his throat.

“Uh. Pretty much since before school started. August.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“This isn’t about any of us,” Tony said loudly. “Everyone shut the fuck up.”

The room went quiet. Clay was clearly fuming, and Justin was getting there.

Jess wouldn’t look at him.

“Um, look, I’ve actually got to go pick up Alex, so.”

“His support group doesn’t let out for another hour.”

Jess’s voice was almost dull, but with an edge to it. Like _how stupid do you think we are?_ Like _literally everyone knows you’re just making an excuse to get away._

“They get out early today. Actually.”

Lie. Zach was just desperate to get out before he fucked everything up even worse.

“Whatever,” Justin said.

“I’ll- we’ll talk about this later. Just Alex and I have to have this talk and it’s important, and I have to, like, let him know about this, too, so…”

“A sex talk?”

“Shut up, Justin,” Tony said loudly. Then, “None of us will say anything to him.”

“No promises.”

“Ignore Clay.” Tony leveled a stern look Clay’s way. “At least for tonight, no-one will say anything.”

“Unless Alex reaches out,” Jess added, and Tony nodded at the the amendment.

“Maybe we don’t need to fucking talk to either of them. Since they don’t want to talk to us.”

“Don’t be a bitch,” Zach snapped at Justin.

He was cold and hot all over, chilled to the bone but with his blood hovering just below a boil.

Justin shook his head, muttering, “I know you are, but what am I?” under his breath like they were in fucking kindergarten instead of seniors in high school.

Zach snorted.

“Whatever. I’m gonna go pick up my boyfriend.”

“Congrats.”

Justin’s voice was churlish. Zach ignored him; ignored Clay’s glower and Ryan’s pursed lips; ignored Courtney’s wide eyes, Jessica’s tightly crossed arms, Tony’s too-perceptive stare, Sheri’s aborted wave goodbye.

He couldn’t deal with any of it right now.

He still felt bad, though, leaving things like that. Leaving his friends like that.

_Pathetic._

Zach got into his car, curling his hands tight around the steering wheel, flexing his fingers a couple times, then he was yanking on the damn thing, releasing his grip to slam into it with his palms again and again until the sting finally reached his brain.

It was easy to calm from there, the momentary breakdown bringing a fresh wave of almost-serenity. Who knew how long it would last, but Zach was going to savor it while it was here. He glanced up and caught Jess looking down on him. She nodded slightly, and he returned the favor, some guilt creeping up. Zach swallowed hard, checked the time. He’d call her with a proper apology tonight. He owed her that and more.

For now, though, Zach had to figure out how the fuck to explain any of what had just happened to Alex- and how he was going to kill the hour and change until he could actually pick his boyfriend up.

They were going to have two hard conversations. What would make that better or easier? There had to be something he could do.

Zach was pulling into a gas station before he could think it through. Cool ranch doritos, hot cheetos, and three different kinds of those icebreaker mints to start with. He went through all the different coffees twice before deciding against getting any, then grabbed a box of hot tamales and one of sour patch kids. Some indulgence wouldn’t kill anyone. Zach was still antsy when he left, but not as much as before. Now, they needed drinks. He looped around the nearest drive-thru a few times before changing course and going to one a few blocks down, getting a large shake for them to share. There was still the better part of an hour left, and the drive to the facility where group was held only about fifteen minutes.

By the time Zach got to the parking lot, he still had a ten minute wait. He’d ended up running into Monet’s and getting coffee to go for Alex, as well as water for himself. Then, he’d caught sight of the sign for a local Mexican restaurant, so now of course he had a bundle of their carnitas street tacos, the enticing aroma filling up his car. He was going nuts wanting to have one, but also wanting to get out of the car, maybe go up and wait for Alex outside the glass doors, maybe just walk the parking lot. His ankle was healed enough for that, at least.

Zach stayed where he was, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. More than anything he needed to chill out, collect his thoughts.

His phone vibrated loudly for what had to be the tenth time since he’d left study group and Zach grumbled, pulling it out and turning it on silent after verifying none of the messages were from his mom, May, or Alex. There were a couple snap notifications from guys at school, but everything else was Justin, Sheri, Tony, Justin again, Jess, Ryan, and Justin a third time, and even Courtney. They’d call if it were an emergency, and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to any of them or hear what they had to say. Later. For now, all he wanted was to be able to focus. Get this right somehow.

He wasn’t sure all the coping skills and comfort foods in the world could make this conversation go smoothly, let alone the direction he wanted it.

Zach had done the thinking about himself and Alex that he’d agreed to doing, even more of it than expected.

And Alex had his points about Zach getting overprotective and carried away. He had even more of one about how hard this was and might continue to be- the last day and week and fucking year all gave that note plenty of credence. Hard work was fine, but Alex knew Zach, didn’t he? Knew Zach liked to keep the drama low, knew that as much as Zach cared about more shit than he was really supposed to, he also had a hard time letting himself give that away.

Alex had missed the mark on other things, though. He hadn’t jeopardized Zach’s relationship with his mom. And he’d been wrong about what he was worth, like he always was.

The thing was that even when they argued or shit got rough, being with him was easier than it wasn’t and it was better than the alternative. Caring about him had always been hard to resist, going back further than Zach had let himself acknowledge. As much as their relationship had changed, that core hadn’t. Evolved, yeah. Grown when he gave into it. But he’d always liked Alex one way or another, and Zach had always cared.

That wasn’t stopping. They’d both understood that. But Zach also wasn’t okay with going backwards if he could help it. They had to be able to remember what came before, while still moving towards whatever came next. Things would keep evolving and challenges would keep rising, but Zach was as strong as he sometimes felt weak, and he was sure that he could handle it all just as well or better with Alex by his side. As his boyfriend. As the boy he loved.

The problem with all that was he’d still fucked up. The problem was that he thought this break had always been more for the sake of Alex’s insecurities than his, and as much as Alex said he wanted Zach to push more, Zach didn’t know how much he should, especially when things had gotten even more screwed up barely an hour ago. With his help, kind of.

Jess had been right. He really needed to say sorry to her, make it up somehow. Maybe they could take his car on a day trip or something and he could let her drive. It’d be nice to sit in the back seat with Alex. Justin or Sheri could come along, sit up front with Jess.

Assuming they were all still good, or could be. He hoped so, but who knew with Clay? And Justin was angrier than expected, on top of being almost legally brothers with Clay, so…. Who knew how those conflicting loyalties might play out? Zach knew he couldn’t take anything for granted with that dichotomy involved.

He’d have to think about it later, though, see what their messages said after his and Alex’s talk. Zach wasn’t going to risk ignoring it all on the hope that shit blew over; their friendships were too important, even if he was also a little pissed about their reactions. He’d known for ages, since the start, that at least Clay’s would be bad, but they had to find a way past it. Zach was willing to do some work to make that happen.

If the messages were any indicator, all but one of his friends seemed willing to as well.

There was a knock on the window, and Zach looked up, smiling when he saw Alex. He got out of the car and went around to greet him. Alex barely glanced around before leaning into Zach. They pressed together against the side of the car, just holding on for the first time since last Friday. For a moment, nothing mattered but this, a comfortable embrace they’d both sunk into. Zach could hear his own heartbeat steady in his ears, feel Alex’s against his chest.

If his friends knew how much he'd missed this after less than a week, they’d give him so much shit. If it were Bryce and the other guys, they’d be positively roasting him.

Screw what anyone else thought.

“Why does it smell like tacos?” Alex asked against Zach’s shoulder.

He couldn’t help but laugh.

“Because I got you tacos.”

“Fuck, you must really love me. Or you really want some.”

“Both,” Zach told him, shameless.

Alex pulled back just enough to peer around Zach into the car.

“What the fuck did you do, rob a convenience store? Is that Monet’s?”

“Had some time to kill. I got you that hot chocolate mocha thing you and Jess were talking about last week. There’s also some chips, some candy, a milkshake… and I needed to tell you something before we talk.”

Alex’s brow furrowed, though his mouth had pulled in and up the tiniest bit like he’d had a funny thought.

“Don’t tell me you cheated on me and slept with Justin. That would be an actual rock bottom.”

Zach grinned, pulling him into a teasing kiss.

His stomach couldn’t seem to settle between proverbial butterflies and stones, anxiety and joy twisting together in his gut like flipping between sweet and sour candy.

“You want to talk in the car or go somewhere?”

Alex looked up at him for a moment, then closed his eyes, kissed Zach a final time.

“Depends what you need to tell me.”

Zach raised his hands thoughtlessly under Alex’s shirt, letting his fingers skim over the skin on his back. Probably not wise, because it only made him want more, but whatever. He swallowed back a low groan.

“Are your parents home?”

“Nah,” Alex murmured. “Not for a while.”

He’d let go of his cane to lean into Zach again during the last kiss, and his good hand was curled into the small of Zach’s back, the press of skin to skin warm and welcome, eliciting a buzz of electricity in his spine, some awakening hardness. They were getting distracted, though that was par for the course.

Zach wet his lips and had to force himself not to put them on Alex’s neck in this rapidly emptying parking lot.

“Let’s go then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title and quote derived from the song "Chanel" by Frank Ocean. It can be listened to at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnbsIl2BnWw
> 
> *quick note: I've been going nuts combing through the season 1 and 2 timelines while writing this and had gotten all turned around over the guys' birthdays. Having rewatched again in the last couple weeks, I realized we did get confirmation before Alex's birthday episode that he was 17, and there's a feeling that Zach is one of the older ones in their class + no statement to indicate he's still 17. Because of this, I've decided he turned 18 between seasons 1 and 2 and he and Alex are both 18 throughout this fic. Which seems much more accurate than any other possibilities now considering how American schools usually work with age. Having said all this, I went ahead and edited to make the numbers more consistent in previous chapters so from here everything should line up. Also apparently now the show is putting Justin in football? What. Ever. We're just gonna take this up as creative license (like the fact that Courtney and Ryan are still around and involved), whoops.
> 
> Sorry this one took (quite a bit) longer than anticipated! Cold/flu season is still in full swing over here and my family's been taking turns getting sick. I've been down and out with an upper respiratory infection for almost a week now. Thankfully, on the road to mending and was finally well enough to finish this sucker up. There were actually two more scenes at least I initially planned for this chapter but ended up moving last minute to the next. This may be the closest we've come so far to both a cliffhanger and a chapter primarily consisting of set-up, but hopefully enough happened to keep your interest ;) Anyway, thank you all as always for your feedback and love. I didn't get to reply to anything because of the aforementioned bouts of illness we've been dealing with, but I can't say enough how grateful I am. Please feel free to leave any thoughts, concerns, questions, etc. or drop some screaming to my ask box on tumblr, whatever. Sending you guys so much love. Remember to take care of yourselves and the people that matter to you <3


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